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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 26 | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/16/2009 3:29:14 PM | In the world of today, we women, who wanted equal rights, are now expected to make the first move. Especially on dating sites.
First off, I applaud you and all the other women out there who take the initiative to email guys and take chances. More too often too many women seem to cling on to the idea that it should totally fall on the male to take on 100% of the risk in approach. Some even feel that a guy should just "know" that the girl is interested without any signals whatsoever.
It's also funny how those same women seem to be chronically single. So kudos to you and all the other women who either send out clear signals to men they are interested in or even go further and approach. 
How have you guys dealt with all the rejection?
It's tough, but you learn not to take it personally.
Sometimes it'll take a toll on your self esteem when you send out tens to hundreds of emails, only to see one "read" with no reply or "read-delete" or worse "deleted" (meaning he/she never even read your email) after the next. It'll drive someone to be bitter and think the opposite sex is shallow and couldn't find a good mate if he/she hit them with a baseball bat.
With those small rejections, just think in terms of Edison: "I have not failed 1,000 times. I have
successfully discovered 1,000 ways to NOT make a light bulb."
Don't think you failed 100 times with 100 emails. Justify it in your mind that it's 100 people most of whom will be later complaining about how they can't find a decent man or woman...but yet still refuse to look past possibly unrealistic standards. See it as 100 people you probably would have dated and not clicked with.
Only time rejection ever bothers me is when it's something deeper. When you meet someone, talk to them for weeks, go out on several dates, and then they suddenly vanish or do a 180 and reject you. Worse if you share intimacy with that person. From there it's better to take a little time, let the small wound heal, and move on.
Also...don't take all this very seriously. You'll go nuts. Come home, send some emails, maybe tweak or add/remove photos every week or other week, and then go about your life. While I found the right woman for me, I unfortunately did not find her on a dating site. I met her through a friend, but I also like to think I met her when I wasn't really taking the dating realm seriously and I just went about my life happy with myself. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/16/2009 4:08:56 PM | To address the original post...
42 years ago, in my young teen years, when it wasn't "correct" (hahaha) for a gal to ask a guy out...
who says we gals still didn't feel 'rejection'?
We couldn't do the asking... but we might have tried in all sorts of ways to get his attention.
When he DIDN'T ask us out... it was our form of rejection.
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/16/2009 5:54:49 PM | | If we are talking about rejection on the internet remember that most people here have some reason why they can't meet in real life. Many times it is because they live in small communities far from cities. Other times is they have lifestyles that are not the best for meeting. But rejection on the internet is may times by people who have serious social problems. I have meet many very nice women on the internet, but the odds are slim. When you get a fade away it is a blessing you just might not know it at the time. Ever had a fade away and then run into the person in real- time. I rest my case. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/17/2009 6:35:32 AM |
You're making men sound like a whimpy little boys:
He would walk across the room (ooooh!)
he has to walk, all the way back (oh nooooo!)
Landra, you are so hot, you've probably never been rejected. The rest of us plain Jane's have had to deal with it. I was drawing on old memories from when a group of us girls would sit at a table and wait for the guys to ask us to dance. And I did watch, "the walk of shame" where the poor fellow would ask a pretty girl to dance and she would, sometimes rudely, turn him down. Some of them would never ask another girl the rest of the evening, others would immediately ask another girl. Doesn't make them whimps, I was admiring their courage. Because of that, I would never turn a fellow down when he asked me to dance the first time. The current memory, for me, is asking guys to dance and getting turned down three or four times in a row. To be honest, I quit asking. Call me a whimp if you want to. I will own it. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/17/2009 6:45:30 AM | | i do not ask women to dance they ask me.some women are very hurtful to guys there not attracted to.just say no thank you.guys be happy because you most likely got away from a night mare.here is my favorite thing to say.most women want a bradd pit type,but they do not look like angilina joli. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/17/2009 7:39:30 AM | Heh, I like this thread, My views of being rejected was very different when I was back in high school (its not THAT long ago). Now, there likely 40,000 women within my area that could interest me, if one turns me down it goes to 39,999. No point wasting time on the ones that dont give/have interest in me.
Just keep looking, you will find someone if you don't give up. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/17/2009 7:51:22 AM |
More too often too many women seem to cling on to the idea that it should totally fall on the male to take on 100% of the risk in approach
Although this sounds nice, it has been my experience that men still like to be the persuers. Any man i have ever persued, automatically assumed because i took the initiative, that i wanted to bang him. So i quit doing it. I have better luck by letting them persue me. | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 35 | |
| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/17/2009 11:57:54 AM | Landra, you are so hot, you've probably never been rejected. Aww- that's sweet .. thank you. But wrong. I've not only been rejected, I'm usually the one most guys don't approach- ever. I'd never turn a guy down for a dance (and I'm a ballroom dancer)-- but let me tell you, usually I'm generally not asked to dance as often as I see other women getting asked. It goes both ways. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/17/2009 3:27:07 PM | | It happens, we have to contact them, they seem interested and give their number then we have to call them. After that the games start, we have to convince them to actually meet. If we are lucky enough to meet they basically moan and groan how tired and broke they are and make it difficult to see them. There can be some good times, but they are only to keep us for their use until they finally decide there must be someone better on a dating site somewhere. And people wonder why some of us refuse to take this kind aggravation. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/17/2009 4:49:06 PM | Faint heart never won fair lady.
When I was a teenager i used to ask loads of girls out or for a dance.
The rejections just went over my head, I didnt care as there are plenty more fish in the sea !
I would be very impressed if a woman asked me out.
Would be even more impressed if I fancied her lol | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/21/2009 4:12:56 PM |
Those "reasons" are only other people's opinions or how they perceive me and whether their opinion/perception of me is correct or not, they're entitled to it. But it doesn't and shouldn't change the way I perceive or feel about myself IMO.
It's all about perception and I agree with you, oldsoul. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/21/2009 4:45:50 PM |
How have you guys dealt with all the rejection?
Basially by now writing to anyone anymore.
I find a profile, that after reading, I think, wow. I send a note and ...nothing, or read deleted-but sometimes it is difficult to not feel a little stung, or think, "How do you know, you didn't even give me a chance?!"
OP this happens to with nearly EVERY letter I sent. I always try to send a note telling them what I liked about their profile, interject some light, tasteful humor, some wit and refer to some of their interests and at times remark on what seems like similar interests yet with nearly every letter I send I see it go "read/deleted" so I have all but stopped writing now. In fact I haven't sent a fitst contact letter in nearly 6 months because I now realize I am undateable and with that understanding I let anyone that might find me interested in me write me first, at least that way the letter won't go read/deleted and I WILL write back. But as of late I have just been a forum junkie. Better luck in the future OP. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/21/2009 8:31:23 PM | How have you guys dealt with all the rejection?
By not pursuing love anymore...... I also keep a quote in the back of my mind that I heard a long time ago --- "their rejection is God's protection".... Maybe there is some truth to that nowadays. Love is not 'simple' anymore. Too many complexities in people's lives, too much drama, too many games, too many people juggling people around, too many 'ghosts' that people deal with from their past, too many hidden skeletons..... So, in the end, it might just be a blessing in disguise. And there's always the forums to remind me how messed up love has now become...... oh well....
Best of luck.... I hope your courage pays off.... | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/21/2009 10:30:29 PM | well too not take it personally is a good thing.lolIve been single for over ten years.And I still try.lol.Rejection can make you a little numb after awile.Not in a bad way ,just more of a cut too the chase idea.But I think its safe too say guys take rejection well for the most part.Although some take it bad too.But I also think most women dont know how much rejection most guys take,and dont give a second thought to a guys feeling when shes turning him down.So some will try to belittle you with hurtful words and stuff.
As a guys I say if you find a girl you really like ask her out .If she says no! dont take it as a mabye or ask later.move on.dont waist your time on someone who wont apricatie you for who you are anyway.lol | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/21/2009 10:33:59 PM | How have you guys dealt with all the rejection?
After having received a few contacts from women in whom I wasn't interested, I just remind myself that I'd rather get rejected than have to do the rejecting.
I find a profile, that after reading, I think, wow. I send a note and ...nothing, or read deleted, or you just aren't what I am looking for.
That hasn'r exactly been my experience. I expect to not receive replies from women whose profiles are are essentially content-free lists of qualities that just about anyone will claim to possess. So, if a woman is looking for a ``nice, honest, caring, blah, blah... guy,'' I just figure she's braindead, has no idea what she wants and is more than likely not going to reply. If I do get a reply, it usually surprises the jell out of me, so I don't really count those as rejections. I see it more like trying to betting a penny on hitting the 00 in roulette.
On the other hand, I can almost count on getting a reply from a woman who writes something unusual and who is clearly looking for someone who is intelligent enough to pick up on that an write something other than the usual trite bullshit. When I miss on one like that, then I consider it a rejection.
That is cool, but sometimes it is difficult to not feel a little stung, or think, "How do you know, you didn't even give me a chance?!
You are making a few errors with that statement. (1) You assumed you ever had a chance, but I think a lot of people are too wishy-washy and consider it a REALLY big deal to actually reply and therefore, you were basically sending your message to /dev/null. I personally do not want a reply from someone like that. I've met one person who was like that and believe me, it wasn't worth it; (2) Assuming (1) is not correct, you were given a chance. After all, you sent a contact message. If the person read your contact message, perhaps what you wrote just didn't work for him in which case, you probably wouldn't communicate very well no matter how many chances you got. If he didn'r read it, then he probably did read your profile and something about your profile just didn't work for him. If he did neither, then he's in category (1); (3) Never expect anything from a person who is so inarticulate as to be unable to express him/herself in something that resembles the language it appears that it could be. Too lazy to write coherently = not interested in anyone who can read. If they don't reply, consider it a blessing instead of rejection. Better yet, don't even write, unless the person is really hot and all you care about is a yes/no answer to ``Hey - wanna fvck?''
Finally, if you;re trying to be all things to everyone, you aren't going to be especially appealing to anyone and in prticular the guys you really want to meet. Another reason rejection doesn't bother me is that I wrote my profile to discourage the kind of women I do not want to deal with. If they don't reply, it might be disappointing, but at least I ruled that person out by self-deselection BEFORE wasting a lot of time finding out we can't stand each other. Conversely, the women who do reply will have at least some interest in corresponding and perhaps meeting me. By the time you've sent 20-30 contact letters, you'll have a pretty good idea of how likely you are to receive a reply based on the profile of the person you've contacted. Just assume that those who can't be bothered to write complete sentences, spell and punctuate correctly and get reasonably close to acceptable grammar probably aren't really too serious and the lack of a reply is probably not about you. Crappy, content-free profile means you are unlikly to receive a reply. Anyone who writes a profile that self-selects the people he/she wants to reply, will probably reply if you naturally click with the personalty that wrote it.
If you've sent enough initial contacts out, you'll realize that most of those who don't reply are those you wouldn't expect to reply except through shear random chance, so it doesn't feel much like a rejection.
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/22/2009 12:30:27 AM | Beachdancer,
Thanks for the recognition of what we have done since we crawled out of the ooze or got thrown out of the Garden, depending on your view....
It does seem a little odd, doesn't it, that women (rightfully so) are demanding and getting equal rights in the workplace and in society in general...just to find out in some ways, "This is the cesspool that men have been wading in all this time?" Yup, and we didn't tell you how much it sucked, because we'd be labeled as whiny little girly-men.
It's not about dating, or giving another human being a chance. It's all about power. And the new variation of the age-old rejection two step I've coined is the "e-slap". The goal is to reject the other person within, say, 1 or at most 2 nanoseconds after they send an IM or e-mail to you....
"Unread / deleted" is the sissy, passive / aggressive way to wield this new found power. 8 year olds do it. (You don't want to know how many posters on this board are pre-teens.) Real power e-slappers have an auto reply that goes like this:
"How dare you take up valuable bandwidth and e-space in my e-mail box! You do not meet my (unstated, unobtainable) standards for a reply in person, so I have thoughtfully prepared this auto reply to deal with single cell bacteria such as you. (And by the way, when did bacteria get access to the internet?) Go back to your female parental surrogate (even if it is black and white only and not cable or digital broadcast ready ) and tell her / it that she / it did a terrible job of raising you! You are an insult to the male gender (Do bacteria have gender?)!
Get with the program, 'darlin. It's all about who e-slaps first....
Cheers! | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/22/2009 3:56:23 PM | funny how I just read this and I had a little debate with a friend about this issue...
beachdancer, I'm so glad there are people out there that understand that men/guys have been dealing with rejection for such a long time.
It definitely isn't easy, I've had a fair share of situations where I wasn't creepy and there seemed to be some interest (in person). I like to meet new people and make some friends, but they downright give me a nasty look telling me to scram.
But, I think it's actually easier getting rejected in real life. On POF, your message is ignored and that's it. There's no closure and no "sorry I don't think so". You become "invisible" to that person, at least when you're in person... they can't just read your message and ignore you. They acknowledge you at least, even if it's just with a glance.
I've messaged people, asking if they'd like to just chat about a common interest between us... and it was just ignored. It makes me wonder "am I not good looking enough to chat with you about a movie?". That's my take on it... | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/22/2009 3:58:14 PM | Both my sister and daughter chose their husbands. They made the first move. They are in very happy marriages. Both times, the guy was on the shy side and probably wasn`t sure of making the first move. So I think, as soon as the women were sure that there was a really strong attraction going, both ways, ( when the flames were already stoked to intense heat) thats when they went after the guy. By then, the guy was just
so overheated and enamoured, that I think he was relieved that she finally just took him. (really cute!)
For myself, I am not attracted to, or would approach very many men. But once in a great, great while, I have developed a crush on someone, really want to get to know them, I will work it a while to build up the heat. You know, be where he is at, really look nice, the whole subtle body language thing. I basically try to get them to the point that they make the first move, but if they don`t I finally will. The few times this has happened, I have never been rejected. I think women have to stoke the flames and take more time in their approach. I think you need to get the guy really hot for you first before you make a move for him. You need to somehow get him to want you before you make a move.
As far as online? I just pretend it`s not real life anyways so who cares? | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/22/2009 8:13:52 PM | Beach;
Read your posts - and the smart-a$$ in me just kept thinking "Welcome to MY world !"
Seriously - it sucks for everyone. I am not one of those really 'approachable' guys. Even when sitting down, relaxed and just doing the whole people-watching thing, I have been told more than once that it seems I am rather intimidating. Which I believe is total bunk, but then again - have never been asked to dance, go out, whatever by a woman.
But welcome to equality. Many a great thing about being male. A few not so great things to. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/25/2009 7:01:19 AM | | Well, to the guys.. I would recommend reading "The Game" by Neil Strauss. Also "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene. I don't personally agree with everything in the books (especially the Mystery Method), but it works. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/25/2009 8:05:40 AM | When it comes to online Rejection just forget about it. You will probably never see, or speak to that person again its ok no skin off your back. Its when women will lead a guy on for 4 months practically dateing him, and then go back to the guy that had raped her, and treated her like crap....
Sorry lol still kinda sore on it since it happened this weekend. In the long run though you just need to be happy with yourself, and know that there is someone out there its just might be a long road to find em. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 3/25/2009 4:35:09 PM | I've been turned down.
But never rejected.
The difference is in perspective.
Girls may not write back or date me simply cus I'm not what they're looking for.
Not because I'm beneath them or something.
"Rejection" is a choice you make to beat yourself up.
One you choose to feel bad about yourself.
Why?
Do not try to see your reflection in others.
Who we are does not change by who we're with.
or who we're not.
Only our ego sees it that way.
Loose that and you'll be smooth.
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