| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/16/2009 11:20:21 AM | | Beach what happens here is nothing, in real life it is ten times as bad. Some guys just see it as a numbers game, go through enough and you find a winner. Some just give up trying, they live their lives and if they bump into someone great, if not that's just as good. A few I know work really hard to become just the kind of guy women seek, and then they get their revenge by rejecting them. There are all kinds 0ut here and we all have different ways of dealing with rejection, but many of those ways cause women to complain about the way we act, which is funny since we are the products of the way they treat us. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/16/2009 11:26:16 AM | I realize that rejection isn't really possible when someone doesn't know you. Since things have to be mutual, if they aren't it's a mismatch, not a rejection. People like who they like, same as I do. To me the success is that I approached. I have no control over how it turns out...I also can't be a match with someone who's not into me, so I consider that a win-win. Also, I never had to have a bf, so staying single a little longer is just a bonus.
But I'd rather say something and find out it's no in 30 seconds than wonder what might have been for a couple weeks. Hands down. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/16/2009 11:54:05 AM | I personally believe rejection is a confidence builder. Sure if you ask someone out they might say no and it stings for a second or two, depending on the experience, but then you move on with the thought/feeling of at least I was brave enough to try.
-Michael | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/16/2009 12:54:56 PM |
I realize that rejection isn't really possible when someone doesn't know you.
Aww, i was about to post that. When did you get so smart?
People will reject you for any number of reasons. They could just be in a bad mood for all you know. Who knows, who cares? There's 10 other people you could've asked while fretting about just one insignificant person. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/16/2009 3:43:56 PM |
I deal with rejection by not asking anyone out
Amen to that one, that too is pretty much how I deal with it. Besides, after so many of the "read/deleted" emails I have sent over the years I now know better than to even try any longer. But yeah, rejection sucks big time and it NEVER gets any easier to accept or handle. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/16/2009 3:59:29 PM |
mrd50...Worse are the few instances where, after a number of correspondences with someone and some mutual interest is established, the e-mails abruptly stopped. Further information was not provided. In one case e-mail's were exchanged for 11 continuous weeks. In another instance I searched newspapers trying to discover an accident or death.
It casts a slight pall on your gender. Yet I still view each situation optimistically with 'disinterest' (look up definition), which I'd advise you and everyone else to do.
If you like the person you are and comfortable with yourself, rejection should not significantly affect you adversely. (But my frustration mounts incessantly.)
Well mrd50, try not to blame our gender. It happens the other way around also. Someone who seems deeply interested and then, ::crickets chirping:: silence. Did I say something? What happened? I know one instance where he was planning to take me to dinner and asked me where I wanted to go. I hemmed and hawed (why can't men just make a suggestion within their budget?) and finally named a slightly expensive place that I had a hankerin' to go to. I planned to go there any way and did with my son. The fellow never ever called me back. I suppose I got labeled ...I would have paid my share. There may be reasons to just drop out off the edge of the world, I have on occasion, red flags or just plain working a lot of hours ...in fact I was thinking on that subject for a new thread.
...rejection should not significantly affect you adversely.
Well said, true. I don't think it really affects me significantly, but to say it does not affect at all is lying to oneself, in my humble opinion. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/16/2009 4:25:36 PM | "I deal with rejection by not asking anyone out"
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I haven't read the whole post but that sounds like fear to me - no pain no gain. If you choose to live that way you'll be a very lonely person. It is definitely better to stick out your neck and face rejection than avoiding it. Everybody's been rejected sometime and it doesn't matter who or what you are. One has to accept that not every man or woman out there will want to be with you. It's a tough blow to take when someone turns you down. Probably the worst thing to do is not trying at all, or just giving up. A lot of people do that because they can't handle rejection. Life's full of risks and comes with no guarantees anyway. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/16/2009 4:28:00 PM | As much as I hate the phrase personally...
"That which does not destroy us, makes us stronger..." - Attributed to Nietsche
If there is ever a place this phrase should be taken to heart is in the area of rejection... | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/17/2009 5:17:31 AM | | Rejection is the worst, at least for me it is. I've been rejected so many times now it's starting to chip away at my motivation for just about everything. Not really depression, more like so preoccupied with trying to figure out why so many nos that I can't rebuilt the motivation lost. It certainly would be nice to be asked by a gal for a date/dance for once, as it's very aggravating that us men carry that burden 90% of the time in a place that supposedly men and women are equal. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/17/2009 7:17:43 AM | My ex- told me something very wise in the rejection/numbers game. She was a remarkable woman in that although not a confident person, she almost always got what she wanted and pursued it with the monster in Alien tenacity. Her story:
.....After breaking up with you I joined a famous on line dating service. In month one I received 650 winks and emails. I went through them carefully and selected the top 10 and made a plan to meet all 10. 5 didn't like me, 5 I didn't like. After returning from meeting the 10th I found a 651st email/wink and I married him.
So Golfcoast, why am I writing to you? He cheats on me with every woman in sight, and he's not fussy. It turns out the business he said he owned is not a business but a place for him to hide his unemployment. Worse of all he's a Democrat ewwwwwwww. Any chance you and I can try again? The twins are due in 2 months and after that we can get a nanny and you can stay in the guest house if you want until they are grown if they get to bugging you unduly.....
So the lesson for all of is clear, when we are rejected there is a very, very high probability the rejector is going to step in it. If we're who we need to be we get a shot at a re-do. If we are very smart, we won't do re-do's lol. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/17/2009 3:54:39 PM | ^^Actually it's never a loss for the person who's not interested, as...well, they're not interested. It's a mismatch, and neither person would benefit from it being any other way if it's not mutual.
Sounds good tho when you're pissed off. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/17/2009 4:26:50 PM | ...
And the chemistry thing, how can we tell in this two dimensional environment? Why not meet and see if we hear the "audible click?"
I think I do prefer the read/delete to some of the answers I get. I seem to be a little more philosophical and just shrug the shoulders. Rather than, the latest, "I don't feel the attraction." Yep, read/delete says "not interested" just fine.
Guys gauge up-front chemistry based on physical attraction, 9 times out of 10. We have all different wish lists, but some kind of looks-based "type" is high on it, you can bet. So looks are something that are easily checked out in 2D on a site like this, and it makes perfect sense to rule out someone he doesn't find physically attractive (just as women routinely read-delete emails based on their own criteria.)
The business of spending time together to see if we click emotionally and something grows over time is all fine and dandy in the vanishingly unlikely event that it happens with someone who's already in your life.... But it's not a good reason to try to start a friendship with a complete stranger from the internet. Most people have plenty of real-life friends already. (If they don't, wouldn't you find that a little sketchy?) And a friendship where one person is attracted and the other isn't is awkward enough if it happens naturally - Do we really want to seek out that kind of situation?
As for fear of rejection, I think all of us deal with it to some extent (perhaps with the exception of a very few "naturals")... And of course those who sit back and let everything come to them. But if you take that tack, you're limiting yourself to the people who happen to have the nerve and interest to approach you first.
Kudos for breaking with tradition and being willing to make the first move! The good news is, the nerves go away with practice. Eventually we learn that girls (or boys) don't bite, even if they aren't buying what we're selling. The pain and embarassment of a simple rejection is all in our own head (unless of course they mock us resoundingly in front of all of our friends, and let's be honest, that's pretty rare!)
Being cheated on by a spouse of 10 years is a rejection of all of that time together and probably a pretty huge amount of effort put in to the relationship... But a no from some person you emailed on PoF cost you all of the five minutes or whatever it took you to compose the note. I've learned to treat the situation with no more seriousness than it deserves, and let's face it... Not so serious!
Look at it this way - Each rejection saves you wasting any more thought on someone who isn't interested, and narrows the field ever closer to The Right One!
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/17/2009 4:40:13 PM |
The thing that I have always felt, is often men don`t understand why there is a rejection. In my case, it is 99% fear, usually of what his motives are. What does he want? If I accept spending time from him or go on a date, what will be the repercussions? Is he safe, what does he want to do to me ( that is hurtful), is he trying to get something from me? ( sex, money, take advantage). Is he going to open up a big can of worms, drama, whatever , if I get to know him. Basically, can this human being hurt me, and is this their motive as to why they want to know me? So for me, it has nothing to do with looks, if a man is good enough, etc. I need to feel safe, and secure that whoever is approaching me is not going to rip up my life or endanger me. That takes time to develop that trust, and most men aren`t willing to take that time.
Interesting... So how is the poor guy going to develop that trust, if you don't agree to spend time with him?
Quite a paradox...  | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/17/2009 6:30:12 PM | The faster you stop worrying about the rejection part of trying to meet people,the better!
I think you have to think of it as a challange in finding the right person for yourself.
This doesn't mean hitting on everyone in site,but just people who you might be actually interested in getting to know better.
Yes.rejection can be hard,but it shouldn't deter you from finding happiness with someone,and never worry about what your friends or other's may think if they see you get shot down,
Nothing ventured,nothing gained! | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/17/2009 6:30:47 PM | | l don't see it as a rejection in a personal sense either...how can it be, they don't know me. There is an offer made and a decision made whether or not to accept it...no biggie either way, at least not in the beginning. lf it don't fit, don't force it...it is what it is. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/17/2009 7:44:48 PM | | I've tried telling myself that it's not personal but it just felt like a delusional self-deception to me. Whether they really get to know me or not, they are basically telling me that they do not like who I am, or at least how I present myself, so it definitively feels personal to me. I also never really think of it as their lost but as a mutual loss instead, which is not any more comforting. The best way I know to handle rejection and move on is to try my luck with someone else, try to focus on doing other activities that I enjoy, keep busy and try not to think about the "why"s, the "how"s and the "what could have been"s. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/17/2009 11:45:49 PM | | ^^You can't take something personally someone has no control over. You have no control over a woman liking you that you like, and a woman you like has no control over her attraction to you or lack of it. Therefore it's merely a mismatch. It has to come from both sides to be a match. If it doesn't you shrug and move on to the next one. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/18/2009 12:50:02 AM | | Ok, I have been here for a while now, and I sent dozens of ORIGINAL, THOUGHTFUL messages to women I find attractive and yet nothing. I might get 1 or 2 responses, but nothing worth while. Yet, I see women writing things like "about to give up" on their profiles. It's blowing my mind how these women have set these ridiculous standards that are just F***ing it up for everyone. One girl wrote something on her page like " if you have pics with sunglasses on, keep it moving".... Really??? Another thing is why would you volunteer your phone number & not pick up? why waste someone's time? New York is overflowing with singles and I see why. The women here are F***ing horrible!! They seem to only want white guys or suit-&-tie guys or some sort of perfect dream guy that doesn't even exist!!! You try not to let it get to you, but everyone has a limit before they say F**k it and give up. Especially if the reason you are being rejected is simply because of the color of your skin or the clothes you wear. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/18/2009 6:34:51 AM | | Hey MR OK don't blame the white guys stuck in suits, it's the black guys with game LOL, just teasing ya man but it's nothing racial, it's woman, the oldest most unsolvable mystery of them all. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/18/2009 8:40:16 AM | Rejection is a part of life.
A published short story has usually been rejected 11 or more times. There's an author who sold his first novel after more than 400 rejections.
In sales they will tell you that for every 10 cold calls you make, you'll find one person willing to talk to you, and for every 10 people who talk to you, one will buy.
Job hunting is the same way.
Why should finding an intelligent, funny, lovable, loving, lover be any different?
What's that old saw? "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince."
Ketch | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/18/2009 9:51:11 AM | | I agree with you ketch. thats why i sent DOZENS of Original, Thoughtful messages. (no cut & paste) I've been in sales before so i'm very familiar with the numbers breakdown. You can say i've kissed a lot of frogs, and instead of finding a princess, I just have a mouth full of warts.... | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/18/2009 6:33:50 PM | | I've been making a lot of first moves on this site and I've found that rejection is considerably less common for women. The only rejections I've ever experienced were either 1) no response, or 2) a reply email that simply answers a question I posed but doesn't pose a question back, therefore leading me to assume the guy isn't interested. And the majority of messages I send do get answered with genuine interest, so I never really feel the sting of rejection on this site. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/18/2009 7:23:08 PM | A few of my friends on here who've signed up recently have been doing the things Mr. Ok is doing, and like them getting few responses. It'd be interesting if POF had some sort of a flirt button where you can give them something to indicate you're interested. Ego or not, if you spend 5-10 minutes writing someone a message to only have them 'Read Delete' you before even reading it, then over the course of time that obviously adds up. That's my concern with it, guys try and sound sincere and genuine in their message and don't even get a 'sorry, not interested'. Maybe another idea that's probably been floating around is a drop-down menu of quick responses, like 'Sorry, into someone else at the moment', 'I just don't think we click' and 'Thanks for the message but I have to get offline now' etc etc.
Would that make women more inclined to get back to men? | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 7/18/2009 7:49:03 PM | 1. I keep hearing guys say they're taking over 5 minutes to write a message. What are you guys writing to each of these women, a short story?
1a. Dating will take some time and effort if you want the best results. Doing nothing won't get you anything.
2. Why do men HAVE to get a response, even if it's a crappy one? Wouldn't you only want responses from women who actually like you? I don't understand why a guy complains about not getting an inbox full of rejection e-mails. | |
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