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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 9/28/2009 9:55:03 AM | | Good for you to encourage men to write you. I respect people, but it's different in the dating world. Individually, one should be aware of him-/herself and understands what some one has said in her/his profile before sending a message to the some one. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:02:25 AM |
So I'm beginning to think that maybe it's all in the definition of rejection!
There is only one definition ; He/She does NOT want to get to know you. Now you can try all kinds of "goosfraba" techniques to make yourself feel better about it, but at the end - rejection is rejection, no matter how you want to look at it.... 
online/offline, eye contact/body language/, good ol' "FK OFF!", "it's not you - it's me!"
They all the same... | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:07:04 AM |
HA ha, so some of you men want to "define" rejection BUT won't allow women to "define" it. So I'm beginning to think that maybe it's all in the definition of rejection!
I should think it's rather clear myself. The person doesn't want you or anything to do with you and has let you know this in words or actions.
The guy not being aware that you've got the hots for him isn't rejection. He's just unaware, if you make your feelings known to him and he still says no, then that's rejection.
I've had instances where a girl was giving me the eye or all sorts of "signals" and such, but to me it'd do a lot more good if you actually conveyed your feelings in words, instead of things that can easily be misinterpreted like a smile or eye-contact as being just friendly and nothing more. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:14:12 AM | Op I've rejected many women in my time, trying to bite on more then they can
chew, or women that have such high expectation and in hindsight I would be
completely turn of by their looks, then it's not only men that get rejected. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:50:44 AM | Cassago, Mass emailing works... just ask any spammer...
<div class="quote">Sometimes I wonder which came first--the mass emails or the rejection? Like, are men rejected so often that they give up and say, "WTH, they all reject me, anyway, I may as well hit on as many as possible in case one doesn't say no"? Or, did men START by the mass emailing thing and find out that women don't respond to it, then it started chipping away at their self-esteem?
Mass emails came first... Mass rejection came about 5 seconds later.
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:16:49 PM | | when i was younger i used to have problems getting up the confidence to talk to women, especially the ones i found attractive. i would be so worried about how i was going to be perceived or what i was going to say that i was socially paralyzed. then one day it hit me, i have plenty of guy friends and always get along with their significant others, and i have plenty of female friends from classes/work. people like me. once i realized that i no longer needed validation from women i approached because if they rejected me i knew they were missing out. i just approach them like i would anyone else. the thing is, when i needed validation from them i came off creepy and got rejected all the time. now i hardly ever get rejected and at times have five or six women at a bar or club throwing themselves at me (i choose the least desperate one if this happens). this isn't a product of the women i hit on getting older since i date girls in the 22-30 age range, with an occasional exception older or younger. i know it is cliche but you have to like yourself. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 10/8/2009 1:27:54 PM | well internet dating may not the ame thing as going to met someone at a bar or a nite club but rejection is rejection weather its read/deletes or the personyou seem attracted to just gets up and leaves. the dating world can be like a porta-john full of shit at times. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 10/9/2009 4:51:15 AM | | The first girl I had a crush on was in the 4th grade. I picked flowers and handed them to her in the school playground. She took them, ripped them up and threw them at me. 35 years later I happened to run into her, she still remembered that day and said, in hindsight I should've kissed you instead...It wasn't a problem then and isn't one now - rejection goes with the territory when you put yourself out there - when its supposed to happen it will happen. Unread/deleted though is one of my favorite psychological disorders ... -o- | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/5/2009 9:40:51 AM | My ex used to tell me the story of how she was obsessed with a guy in her class throughout late middle school and early high school, and she did everything she could to get him to date her. Eventually he finally figured out that she liked him (apparently her "signals" hadn't been strong enough) and, politely, outright rejected her. She called the experience "soul-crushing," that she'd put so much time and effort into the "perfect boy" and he did that to her.
Apparently that was her only rejection ever, yet somehow she was using this story to compare her experiences to mine. I had been OUTRIGHT rejected by over 500 girls/women (consecutively) by the time I graduated from college (yeah, I actually added them up) and hundreds more (though not all consecutive at that point) by the time I met her. And these are just in-person rejections. I'm sure I'm deep, deep, deep into the thousands if you want to include personal ad rejections, too. The only time in my entire life I didn't experience dozens of rejections in big chunks were the 2 years I dated her.
Has that made my skin thicker? Not one iota. And I'm a writer, too -- I have hundreds of pages of rejection letters piled up in my room. I actually don't take those personally anymore. But that's because somebody's judging my writing, which at times even I admit sucks . When someone's judging YOU, especially someone that seems perfect for you, that's completely different. It is impossible not to take that personally, unless you are truly a heartless human being. Or, in certain (or for some people maybe all ) cases, you just didn't care when you were asking.
A couple pages back, a woman said that men deal with a lot more rejection, just because men ask more. Well, you know how many women I would have asked out had girl #1 on the list said "Yes"? 1. Of course, that was first grade -- we probably would have broken up at some point thereafter, leading to me asking more women out, but you get the jist of what I'm saying. We wouldn't have to ask out a jillion women if the first one said "Yes." And I'm not blaming them for saying "No" -- I'm just saying, that's not a fair judgment against men for asking out many women. And it's kind of silly for women to get so fixated on one "perfect" guy and try all these freakin' "signals" forever and a day -- all my female friends plead guilty of doing it. Had my ex just gone up to the guy and asked him to "go steady" early on, she could have gotten over the heartache fast and found some other guys to focus on for that 2-3 years she spent obsessed with him. Sometimes you win that game, sometimes you don't, but you sure do waste a lot of time playing it.
And I'm sure those couple of rejections hurt just the same (although that "signals in the bar" example is not something I would consider "rejection" due to the lack of effort and the lack of the guy might not even realizing someone's even trying to get his attention!), but frankly I think it's pretty incomparable -- hundreds or thousands of rejections really start to pile up on you. It makes you eventually feel like a leper. It makes you feel less than human. It makes you feel like there's something wrong with you. And guess what? That's exactly what quite a few people (including the moderators) are saying: if you're getting that many rejections, then there's something wrong with the rejectee, not the rejector. Well, thanks -- that's even more fuel to this self-esteem bonfire. I had not even thought about the fact that there might be something wrong with ME.
Obviously the least-sympathetic person in this thread (besides that guy who never gets rejected who keeps tripping me out! LOL!) is womaninprogress, yet I have no problem with her whatsoever. I mean, I certainly think her posts are a little harsh, but I'm not on this site for posting -- I ended up here because I needed some answers to my primary reason for being here: dating. And her profile is awesome. Why? Because it tells me, right upfront, not to waste one iota of time emailing her, because I don't qualify to date her.
That's the biggest problem with this site: not enough female profiles saying "Stay the hell away from me, you freak." Oh, sure, there are quite a few that say, "Stay the hell away from me, you creep." But those aren't the same thing (I know, I wrote a whole book on it). And by God, if you are a creep, a warning isn't going to stop you from being one. But most freaks (who aren't also creeps) will see a warning against them and do as they are told. I have never emailed a single woman on POF who disqualified me in her profile (unless it had something to do with forums, and even then, I was just replying).
But the vast majority of women's profiles don't disqualify anybody. And occasionally I'll come across, "Don't email me if you don't think I'd date you" when there's nothing in the profile to indicate who she will or won't date!
I know, I know -- you start spelling out your "perfect man" or your "deal breakers" in your profile and you open yourself up for some criticism or possibly simply rejection because you're not "pc" enough or whatever. That's why I say POF could do a better job of preventing you from having to sound like a **** in your profile to prevent dozens of men from emailing you that you would definitely have no interest in, leading to more unnecessary frustrations on everyone's part.
But whatever about that -- POF will change if it changes in that regard. What I'm saying is, if women really didn't want dozens of emails a day to laugh at or stroke their ego with or whatever, it wouldn't be that much trouble to tell the nicer guys (which is probably most of them) to "stay the hell away" in their profiles. Because I'm not emailing anybody who tells me to stay the hell away. Yet I can still email almost any woman on this site within a certain age and distance range, because their profiles don't tell me not to. (And, yes, I do try to email women I have things in common with, but does that REALLY mean anything? Most of the women who have gone on dates with me, including my ex, have had little in common with me. They just found me attractive enough to spend time with, apparently. Meanwhile, women I could be twins with haven't had one iota of interest.)
So the jist of this is: you want to cut down on the number of pointless emails you get and see less threads from guys complaining about the lack of responses to their emails, you just bite that bullet and tell guys you know you will find unattractive to stay the hell away in your profile. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:34:46 PM | | Nobody likes rejection, but there comes a time in your life when you gain enough confidence to not care what anyone thinks of you in that manner, I seldem deal with rejection when I have in the past I just told myself the girl was missing out on something good... | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:41:40 PM | It's absolute rubbish to suggest that when you get rejected that your response will be that she is the one that is missing out. How can you possible think that after you have just asked a girl out. I would gather that you asked her out because you wanted to be with her, she says no, so then she's the one who's missing out????? How do you figure that.
Whenever I get rejected - I feel like sh*t | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:55:52 PM |
It's absolute rubbish to suggest that when you get rejected that your response will be that she is the one that is missing out. How can you possible think that after you have just asked a girl out. I would gather that you asked her out because you wanted to be with her, she says no, so then she's the one who's missing out????? How do you figure that.
Whenever I get rejected - I feel like sh*t
Normally in todays society When a man approaches a woman or writes to her online, hes making himself vulnerable and hes the one taking a chance at rejection...
See The way I see it is, I know who I am already and what I offer and I sometimes give undeserving women chances because Im a nice guy like that I give people the benefit of the doubt, so just because I was writing to a woman and she doesnt respond doesnt mean im missing out, the point is, Im already happy and content when I write to a woman I expect them to be able to tell Im not just any regular tool trying to get in her pants, I look at it as if Im throwing her a raft becuz shes probabaly drowning.....
Call it Co.cky but its just self assurance.........
Once your happy with yourself you wont ever let any women ever take away your joy and thats when you win....... everytime! | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:46:26 AM | if i may ad to this comcept a littile rejection is ok but what i finde if its used all the time with both partys male and female the over rejecting what is more like a self asteam gets pushed lower and lower and the bang thats wher the nervusness brakes out and shyness if rejection with out reason aint that good its more like a loaded gun  | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/10/2009 8:10:42 AM | 1. I don't consider someone I've known less than a minute able to "reject" me. A lot of people react strongly to that word, but I think it's out of context. I believe in order to actually BE rejected, you'd first have had to be accepted or the person in question would have to know a lot more about you than looking at you. It's lack of attraction, simple as that. It's not rejection - rejection implies choice, and people can't choose who does it for em.
2. Someone I'm attracted to who's not attracted to me is a mismatch, plain and simple. It's not their fault, nor is it personal to me. It's a matter of it being one sided. Since I only consider two sided situations, it doesn't compute.
3. It's no one's "loss" that there's no attraction. It's not yours because (if you have any self respect) you only want someone who's into you and it's not theirs because they don't have any attraction. Truth be told they probably forget all about it a couple minutes later.
If most people would look at this from both sides it would be easier. It's always rougher to be the one that gets the no than it is to be the one giving the no. However, it's the exact same situation no matter what end you're on.
Personally I feel men are more used to it because they approach more than women so it should be less of an impact, but overall neither gender should sweat it enough not to approach the next person. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/10/2009 8:38:32 AM | I have to agree with you that men have been dealing with this for a long time. It's our turn to feel the uncertainty. On-line dating makes it easier to reject someone, but I respect the honesty. I don't want to waste my time talking to someone who's only playing games, or chatting you up just for e-mail company. I'd rather know up front so I can move on. Plus, you never know why the rejection and as a result you tend to second guess it. Don't. We all have our reasons for rejecting someone as outlined below.
Also, I have to respond to SteveinOP's comments. On-line dating may not be the best but it's a place to be introduced to a lot more people than you would meet in a bar or night club. Also, remember that old saying "you only have one chance to make a good first impression". Well, that's the case here. Why can't you men seem to find better pictures of yourself? Lazing on the couch like a couch potatoe does not make a good first impression. Nor does pictures of your harley, your cat or dog, or pictures of 3 day growth of beard and bloodshot eyes. Yes, perhaps you percieve us women as looking for prince charming, and perhaps we have too high a level of expectation, but I really don't think that a decent photo, proper grammer, and an ability to correspond reasonably is too much to ask. When we see the lousy photos, poor introduction info or the first e-mail that says "hi, how ya doin'", we think that you don't have enough pride to ensure that you look good, have the ability to talk about yourself, know how to spell, or could potentially find us more interesting than your harley, your cat or your dog. Yes, the chemistry you feel on the first meeting plays a huge part in whether you click or not, but so does that first impression and if you can't make a good first impression on here, what makes you think you'll make a good one at a first meet? Remember, there is such a thing as love at first sight - you just have to make sure you're that sight to fall in love with!
Just my opinion - for what it's worth. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/10/2009 3:01:36 PM | Being used to something bad does not make it sting much less. I'm pretty sure any slave that's been whipped a hundred times or an abuse victim who has been assaulted a hundred times would tell you the same. Of course, being a former athlete, I can tell you that the first time you run a mile, it hurts like hell, but by the hundredth, you don't even feel it. But most likely, you chose to bring that pain upon yourself. Nobody in his/her right mind chooses to be rejected -- at least, that's never the goal. Running a mile one hundred times and being whipped one hundred times create completely different states of mind about the pain you are about to next endure.
And I have to tell you, quite a few women have relished rejecting me, so I'm not so sure it's the exact same situation no matter what end you're on. My all-time "favorite" rejection line from a woman has to be "Go out with you? But you're not even human!" And then there was the woman who made me feel so bad about having asked her out that I ended up apologizing to her for doing so -- and she ACCEPTED the apology. Man, college was such a fun time.
I've seen quite a few complaints from guys on POF about women not sending a rejection response to them, but given some of the face-to-face rejection responses I've had over the years, I'm fine not getting one here. I just wish (as I've said a thousand times before) that POF was better set up to prevent you from sending emails to people you could have known up front you had no chance with. One of POF's competitors has an interesting concept: you get to anonymously rate people, and if two people rate each other high, their profiles are put front and center on the list of possible matches during a subsequent log-in. If POF had such a function, I think it would make women far less shy about showing interest in a guy, because an email or even a "wink" might be a bit much to ask and obviously "viewed me" is not much good since that can mean other things -- this would be a highly indirect "wink" and it would only be obvious to the guy if the feeling was mutual. And guys would waste much less time emailing women that presumably had no interest in them (or hadn't seen his profile) since women's profiles that were actually interested in them would be at the top of the match list.
But, of course, that would probably eat away at the site's financial model, so, oh, well. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/10/2009 3:59:38 PM | People make me LAUGH.... believe it or not I've been rejected loads on this very site but I have a good idea as to why and it doesn't really bug me because I own some of the reason. But what makes me LAUGH is that this is an ONLINE dating site yes? Ok so what this enables people to do is to initiate interest with somebody WITHOUT all the drama/walk of shame/embarrassment etc of getting rejected IRL. So TAKE ADVANTAGE of this tool!
If you can't handle ONLINE rejection which is FAR less hurtful than RL rejection well holy shit you must be one fragile person and maybe you shouldn't date at all. It amazes me that some people don't grasp this wonderful tool sitting here for them to use and they don't use it.... | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/10/2009 6:52:50 PM | Women mostly get rejected from this site because they mostly only want to date up which leads to most men not wanting to date below.
Men mostly get rejected from this site because the women in their league mostly want to date up and a minority of men will only settle for less
That's why we see the same people (both genders) on here for such a terribly long time | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/11/2009 1:29:38 PM | Guys, just to show you an example of how females handle rejection, I'm copying this woman's journal entry from another dating site I frequent and my response to her.
When I've E-mailed some of these people that "viewed my profile", I never got a response back- my time is wasted, this blows as a result! If you E-mail someone is it not unreasonable to expect an E-mail in response?!!!!!! Either these people aren't serious about meeting someone, like to play games, or suffer from a lack of balls- whatever the case is, it bites colossally, and is profoundly evil on a level close to the brutal assassination of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his shockingly beautiful wife Sophie of Hohenburg on June, 28, 1914- (well maybe that's going a little far). BUT it does bite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep it real! Check ya' later!
My response:
Do you know how often men have to deal with this? We just take it as a matter of fact that 90% of the messages we send are going to be ignored. I think it's rude not to respond, but to compare that to an event which triggered the start of a war which killed 15 million people is hyperbole and disrespectful. Shame on you.
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/15/2009 2:25:12 PM | | Rejection is an every day thing my way and you know what I am so use to it that it doesn't bother me at all. I just take life one day at a time and not sweat it because one day those very same people that is trying to look for something better will be knocking on a close door of the one they turned down. | |
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| Rejection-men have been dealing with this a long time.
Posted: 11/15/2009 5:00:50 PM | | You only need one "yes". At the end of the day who cares how many "no" responses you got? If you are looking for a job and put out a lot of applications, the important thing is that you get a job. Best case senario, you have two or three "yes" responses and you choose the best. If you try to talk to a hundred girls (all of whom you're extremely attracted to) over the course of a year or two and 90 of them reject you, 10 of them give you a chance, and it only works out with 3 or 4 of them, and one of them becomes your girlfriend for the next couple years...in my mind that's actually still a pretty good trade off considering that I invested nothing more than30seconds each (it really doesn't take all that long to get rejected does it?) per girl and the worst thing that can happen is you don't get the girl...as if you would have gotten her somehow without making the attempt? Compare the pain of multiple rejections with the pain of spending years of your life alone and make your decision. | |
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