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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?      Home login  
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 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 126
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?Page 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
GRP60, you are gonna have a problem here till that "separated" becomes a "divorced" ~~ no hard feelings, that's just the way most women here feel. Meaning keep on keeping on, do your work, and you'll be fine.

Promise.
 Dave of Indiana
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 127
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 5/21/2010 4:12:28 PM
Well, is it equally disgusting if a man only wants a woman for sex?

We all know that there are men out there that are like this. The comment about just wanting emotional satidfaction is we become a source and after fulfillment we're tossed back into the back seat.


Really which is the worse of the two; emotional gratification or sexual?

It depends on who is being used, though women will complain more. Anytime a gender uses the other for fulfillment and then pushes them aside until there need arises again it is wrong: emotional or sexual. The one being "used" feels offended. The interesting point is that in western society women are not held accountable for this to the degree that men are.
 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 128
Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 5/21/2010 6:57:53 PM
the majority of the men i've recently dated are after a "forever after" relationship.
some of them have made it plain to me that they want sex immediately upon dating...
others have gone the grope at the end of the evening, maybe hoping to influence a decision on my part for a bit of instant action...
(yeah, right!)...

we all have different needs,
i love sex as much as the next person...
but i want hot sex with someone who finds me equally as exciting...

not just any man i may happen to spend a couple hours of my time with...
 navywoman
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 129
Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 5/21/2010 8:09:52 PM
daffie: you are lucky as the majority of men I have dated are after sex and not a forever after relationship. I have also found that most of these same guys don't like intelligent women so when I actually have something intelligent to say; they run. So, its a good weeding process. To me if a man can't respect me as a human being; he is not worth the time to even date; let alone have sex with.
 944man
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 130
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 5/22/2010 9:13:49 AM
Maybe it's quite simple. We're all more mature, wiser, older. We may have made mistakes when younger, jumped into something too fast, didn't get out of something fast enough. Hence taking our time, being more cautious. Being single or just dating is better than being in a bad relationship. We date and find someone we really like but they don't like us as much. Someone really likes us, but we don't like them as much. Some we like only to find out their agenda is different and it goes teh other way too. There are good and bad in both genders. No one said it would be easy and it's not. Best to lift your head up, tighten the belt and don't give up. Just like anything in life if you don't try you won't find what you are looking for.
 louise1359
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 131
Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 5/25/2010 3:35:06 PM
The original post said happiness wasn't substantial, but I could not disagree more. Maybe that has something to do with how one defines happiness.

Of course it is always wrong to mislead someone (people who say they want long term when they just want sex, for example), but that does not mean the relationship was worthless, while it lasted. Did I have fun? Was the sex good? Presumably, I'm not tolerating boredom and bad sex for some future "pay out," so other than some sadness (if I was attached), what have I lost if/when the other person moves on?

I'm not sure why people feel "used," b/c you can only be "taken" for what you agree to give.
 Happy Rider
Joined: 4/30/2005
Msg: 132
Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 5/30/2010 10:53:43 PM
"If it lasts 6 months or 6 years or the rest of their life is not the goal when starting out.
Exactly...but at least bring 100% of yourself to the table. You only get back from a relationship what you put into it.
~just saying~"

That's it! If you aren't there, then you can't reap the rewards. You have to put yourself back out there and take a chance again or otherwise live without the opportunity for a relationship, whatever it may become. Life is short, and there are no guarantees on tomorrow, so if you sit on the sidelines waiting for the right moment, or to find the "right person", you may end sitting a lot more than anything else!
 Safe Hands
Joined: 3/11/2010
Msg: 133
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/8/2010 12:50:29 PM
The internet creates the illusion that more people are available than the reality. Just because a profile is up does not mean that person is truly available.

Some may have just gotten out of a relationship and some may have been looking all their lives. The relationships may have been bad or may have been good.

Generalizations may be a bad thing, but more men tend to be on a sex hunt and more women like the idea of the chase and "collecting" interested men more than having to face up to actual relationships.

The biggest fault I can lay on anyone is that they simply don't want to commit time and effort.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 134
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/9/2010 6:50:19 PM
aha, this is the first time i've posted since these "format" changes--finally figured out how to change the view and "zoom out" --although i may become blind from squinting!

well, as usual, i just don't see these male/female differences. of course, depending upon your sexual preference, what "bad" you experience or observe is because you have a particular market segment within the sexual preference of your choice. plus, we each are our own common denominators as to who we attract or seek.

for all the men who pay alimony, there are many more women doing the same now. there are also those parents who get little or nothing from their children's non custodial parents! then, in my crowd, it's always been pretty much a 50-50.

as to goals for a relationship? that is a whole other angle. it depends upon each person's personality, experiences to date, etc. for many who were traditional in the past, they are now letting loose. for others, we seek to still have hope in finding that one special person. others who have lost their spouses, hope to find a "second one". some are weary. some on both sides need hormone replacement, lol.

they did a study on spouses who had stuck together for many years and still managed to be in love. they showed them pics of their actual spouse and then degrees of enhanced photos. each faithful spouse pointed at the enhanced pic and sincerely thought that was the "REAL" one as pertained to the object of their affections.

my point is that as we age, it not only is a shock to look at ourselves in the mirror, but it can be a shock when you first meet someone and have to deal with your current "age". if you are together for 30 years, you grow old together and don't notice these things as much.

reacting to the looks/age of someone for the first time is also aggravated when you meet someone who has also misrepresented themselves in their online photos--often of ten years ago! or someone who has a serious grooming issue or whatever. when young, you could let your mate know something needed cleaning up. but how do you tell an adult, who you've met for the first time?

what this can lead to is one of two things. you look at all the good stuff and become determined to go past that old "hot" reaction to when you were younger. or, you go and find someone young and "hot" to screw around with-- a human OBJECT. for most, that can not last--unless you go from one to the other.

i try to be forgiving of both myself and my "date". frankly, i am more critical of myself. this is not "settling" however. because what i have found in deep sensuality/sexuality is that often that first turn on to someone is not necessarily carried out to the finale! so, in the same way, you can find someone attractive and then turn off to him/her after s/he opens up and you get to see who this person really is---the reverse can come true and with this you can delve to a deeper level.

each getting to know someone takes time. for me, dating at 61 has been exhausting. i try to pace myself. i figure three quality encounters can pretty much tell me if there is any hope for chemistry.

if you get past this, then there is the real work. i used to think my future with "my man" would be living together and married. now, i am not sure. that will depend on the lifestyle habits of each, how flexible each person can be, values, spacial/location issues, ad infinitum. my male and female friends, all searching likewise, seem to agree.

i know some who just live together, some who marry and some who are very loyal and have been together for eons, but prefer to have their own homes and some place to retreat. this is no longer an assumed issue. but for those who assumed in the past, look at them now. some still married and the other half now single. not much difference.

i have to do one step at a time. the most important is to know when the person is emotionally available and clear about whether they love and respect you and are faithful. the rest is up for grabs, given the current reality.
 toongirl61
Joined: 6/2/2010
Msg: 135
Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/12/2010 7:13:27 AM
While sex is a very big important part in a lasting relationship, I wish to find fellows who don't think it's how you "get to know a lady". ewww. Dating should be about talking/sharing day to day events, finding common grounds, goals, hobbies. Sex should be what comes after all that is sorted out over the months of dating....if you enjoy each other's company and have truly melded a comfortable relationship, the sex should rock and knock your socks off.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 136
Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/13/2010 5:53:05 AM

Dating should be about talking/sharing day to day events, finding common grounds, goals, hobbies. Sex should be what comes after all that is sorted out over the months of dating.


The thing is to find someone that is running at your speed and things can indeed be wonderful.. If he is worried about not seeing tomorrow and rushing to the finish line he is missing smelling all the lovely roses along the path.. Plus it can't simply be as good lets face it your anticipation has hardly been built up..

A little restraint goes a long long way towards being explosive..

thecatsmeoww
 NotNative
Joined: 5/16/2008
Msg: 137
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/13/2010 3:22:16 PM

Some of the other things I noticed is attitudes, blaming the other person for their unhappiness. I have to admit many men have a changed position on relationships. No matter what in many cases a guy comes out of a 12+ year marriage, he usually has kids and gets wacked with alimony, hence his once burned attitude about marriage. Women though have expressed the same thing, now looking for a relationship not necessarily marriage.


For crying out loud. If he comes out of a 12-year marriage and got "wacked" with alimony, it's his own stupid fault for marrying a woman who didn't work outside the home, or one that didn't earn close to his salary. Pennsylvania quotes the average salary for RNs at $63,000 per year. Teachers average in the high $40,000s into the $50,000s. Engineers and industrial hygienists and HR personnel go higher than that. There's no reason to have a housewife in today's world.

Now, as for remarriage: Simply don't make the same mistake twice. Don't marry a dependent who does not work, or someone with few employable skills. Don't marry someone with a pile of debt and low earnings or assets, or someone who can't hold onto a dollar, or someone who is always siphoning off your joint assets to the gawddammed kids from the previous liason(s). Have a prenup. If you have a house in your name, keep it in your name. If you sell your house, keep the money in your own private account. Keep his and hers separate finances, and also have a joint account or two for household expenses. Any gifts or bequests or providing for a spouse after death can be handled through wills or trusts or life insurance.

Courts do not award alimony to women (or men) who are demonstrating that they earn enough to support themselves. They also do not award it for under 10 years of marriage. And they do not award it for life, at least not in the 3-4 states I have resided in.

Men's attitudes are ridiculous. Cry, cry, cry. They cling to stupid outdated stereotypes, blame "marriage" when it's their own foolishness and bad decisions that adversely affected them, and I have run out of patience with excuses. If you don't want to marry, just say so and offer a practical alternative. Don't come to the table with nothing to offer. And don't sit around doing the whining "I got burned, and now I'm so scared" sphiel. I have heard that lame-excuse crap so many times that I've lost count. WOMEN: PUT THAT SHTICK RIGHT AT THE TOP OF THE "GREATEST LIES" LIST. THAT'S WHAT IT IS. A lie, and a pity-poor-me play for sympathy, and to keep you from kicking his a** out the door.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 138
Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/13/2010 6:29:01 PM
NotNative -- wow!

I will be sure to run all candidates through an obstacle course to make sure they are physically fit. I will talk to their physicians to review medical history. I will require a polygraph test to establish a baseline for future reference. I will consult their accountants and attorneys to be certain they've been frugal and won all legal battles. I will give them the state sanctioned test for accountants to be sure they know how to handle money. I will double-isolate all money exchanges by running transactions through a third bank in Nassau.

Thanks, I almost slipped and actually TRUSTED someone....who knows what that could lead to?!
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 139
Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/14/2010 6:59:36 PM
So ya... I'm going to attempt to steer this thread back to the OP's original post.

]I have to admit many men have a changed position on relationships.

I have to say that you are half right in making that assumption...but in reality...it would probably be more accurate to state that BOTH genders (at our age) have a changed position on relationships.

For example: I once had a very wealthy man ask me "what have you got to offer me?"
Well...let me tell ya....my first knee jerk reaction was to tear a strip off him for being such a pompous a$$!!! Seriously, I thought how dare this man question my self-worth and value as a human being just because he was in a position where he could BUY anything he desired.

So I turned his question around and asked him in response "What have you got to offer me that your money CAN'T buy?"

Guess what...he couldn't come up with an answer.
 throwit2me
Joined: 6/23/2009
Msg: 140
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/16/2010 12:50:30 PM

For example: I once had a very wealthy man ask me "what have you got to offer me?"
Well...let me tell ya....my first knee jerk reaction was to tear a strip off him for being such a pompous a$$!!! Seriously, I thought how dare this man question my self-worth and value as a human being just because he was in a position where he could BUY anything he desired.

So I turned his question around and asked him in response "What have you got to offer me that your money CAN'T buy?"

Guess what...he couldn't come up with an answer.


Free@Last, that's a great question that we all could stand to ask of both ourselves and our prospective love interests, though perhaps not out loud.
 callmelori
Joined: 12/3/2008
Msg: 141
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/25/2010 4:33:08 PM
I agree with F-A-L. I think both men and women have a changed position on relationships. I know I don't want to get married again. The one thing that continues to amaze me is all of the head games people play (men and women). Mostly, I see men's head games, because I don't date women. It's just hard to find someone who is honest, with himself and with me. People say they don't carry baggage, but I gotta say, I think everyone does and I think it gets worse the older we get, especially if the person is angry. I've encountered a LOT of anger. It has amazed me. In Internet dating, I think people (both men and women) are much more inclined to get angry and be downright rude in the initial phases of contact (email). It's starting to make me question whether I even want to date. Who needs that in their life?

Lori
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 142
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/25/2010 7:39:13 PM
"People say they don't carry baggage, but I gotta say, I think everyone does and I think it gets worse the older we get, especially if the person is angry. "

I hear what you are saying. However, there are people (like me) who have had a good marriage, have no children, have been been abused, or cheated on, have been widowed for a decade or more, so just maybe they don't carry baggage. Going into datingland, and see all the angry, guilt, co dependent on children............blah, blah, and we have to ask why bother dating.
 Rusty474
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 143
Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 6/25/2010 8:31:28 PM
I too have been widowed for over 5 years, great marriage, son grown and a 12 hour drive away, never been cheated on or abused. Baggage, don't think I have much if any. I want a relationship, I want a partnership, I want to share my bed with that person every night. Yes, I have seen angry and bitter but I've also seen kind, caring and open. I also see those that say they have no baggage but they are also saying "it's my way or the highway" which to me is right up there with angry and bitter. So if it's "my way or the highway", why bother dating. When I married 30 some odd years ago we didn't fit completely together like a jig saw puzzle piece, we grew to fit together. It's pretty hard to find that perfect fit right off the bat, it takes time, patience, nurturing, etc. and if you don't have the time to give to the process, why bother dating.

I think we will all find the "relationship" that works for us. Some will keep their own home, some will blend a home, some don't want another partner in any way, shape or form, some will be content with friends, some will get a dog and some will be happy with themselves alone in their home. To each their own.
 callmelori
Joined: 12/3/2008
Msg: 144
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Posted: 6/26/2010 11:10:51 AM
Like a few that have posted recently, I had a good marriage for a long time, no screaming, no abuse, etc. In fact, I'm still great friends with my ex and will always consider him family. When we separated in 2003, we put the welfare of our sons first and have never had any significant issues, even through the divorce. (We shared the same attorney.) Our relationship is not the typical divorced couple relationship, but I think it's because we still respect each other and care about each other's well being.

I agree, Rusty, if it's "my way or the highway" that is the same as angry and bitter. In my experience, if it gets past the initial phase (email, phone calls, first date) I give it a chance to see where it goes as have the people I've dated for any length of time. I agree that developing a relationship takes time and I state that I'm looking for someone to be friends first and see if it can develop into something more. I'm hopeful that I will eventually find a relationship that works for me, but I'm also realistic in thinking that it may not happen. I'm happy with me, though, so that would be OK, too.

Lori
 Forest_Explorer
Joined: 2/10/2009
Msg: 145
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Posted: 6/27/2010 6:46:32 AM
Posts 143 and 144:

I can see where an argument over what a "my way or the highway" attitude means may develop, so I will attempt a clarification. Of course I'm only speaking for myself, but other men might agree with me.

There is abundant evidence on these boards that many divorces occurred because the husband didn't pull his weight (in whatever way) in making the relationship work; and that these types probably wouldn't be good relationship material the next time around. However, there is also abundant evidence that there is a significant population of men in the pond who have a demonstrated track record as good relationship material, yet are divorced. In my case - and I suspect in many others - the ultimate reason for this is making a mistake in judgment and marrying the "wrong" (i.e., incompatible) woman in the first place. If having a "my way or the highway" attitude relates to how a man would conduct himself on a day-to-day basis in a relationship, then I agree with the two posters who have said it's as undesirable as bitterness. However, having a "my way or the highway" attitude can have an entirely different application, relating to partner selection process rather than the actual relationship. I - and I suspect others in my position - have in middle age a much more sharply, and narrowly, defined idea of what works in a relationship than we did as young men. For me, "my way or the highway" means primarily that I will not consider a romantic relationship with a particular fishette unless she is on the same page with me in both values and relationship goals. Those of course aren't the only requirements for a successful relationship, but it seems to me that a relationship cannot succeed without broad agreement in both of those areas. For me, the reason for my requirements is to attempt to choose more wisely than I did 20+ years ago.
 onlyfootprints
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 146
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Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 7/2/2011 6:55:41 PM
There seems to be a misconception here regarding sex between the genders. Many of the opinions expressed here seem to imply that it's only men that benefit/enjoy sex, the woman is just being used. I've been kicking around online dating too long until recently and most of the women I've dated were just as interested in sex as I am. (Of course I want some sort of a relationship before it happens) I don't think any of them felt they were used anymore than I would have felt used. JMO
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