| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 7:30:27 AM | I had my first baby at age 21. Then went on for 30 years of my own birth children and special-needs foster children.
30 years of 24/7 living with one or more (90% of the time, more) young children.
It was a great life... not complaining.
BUT... not too sure I'd want to begin it all over again! 
I know for a fact I'd NOT want to get involved... be around.. ANY 'hassles' that can be present in custodial parents vs. non custodial.
And sooner or later... there usually ARE hassles of some sort. (note I said "usually")
A man with a young child... and no mother anywhere for the child... would not be a deal breaker. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 8:04:56 AM | Well, its pretty easy to pick out the ones who are mainly into themselves in this thread.
I don't think there are too many people who would choose to be older and raising younger children, but there are many who do end up there for all kinds of reasons. I wold much prefer someone who sticks with their kids as much as possible to someone who has moved on from them. One thing you can't really do much about is your kids... | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 8:16:03 AM | From a guys side of this issue I have mixed emotions on the younger kids and dating there mom's. Been there and done that. Not sure I'll jump back into one of those types of relationships as they all have the "X" that factor in and the drama and emotion that comes with that. Plus the kids when the come home from the "x's" place pretty much all need reprograming to fit where there at instead of at the X's.
Would rule out someone with children just saying... | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 8:17:52 AM | I, at my age, wouldn't set out to begin a new family! Nor under the conditions of my past marriage (he believed the female had all the childcare obligations) would I entertain dating a fellow with young kids. But??? Things have changed immensely where Daddies are concerned. They are now much, much more involved in the caretaking end of having children. So with that said? If I met some handsome, dashing devil with a caring heart? And he was actively involved in the day to day childcare and running of the household? Heck, I would be with him in a heartbeat! | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:15:13 AM | Just remember that you are dating them, not the children......which for many can be a deal breaker, or not.
Those of us that are significantly involved in the raising of our own child(ren) know the difference, and would prefer to keep that part of our family life separate from our dating life.
I would prefer to be an addition to that family, but not the main male influence. Most of these children already have fathers, and they should be working with them on the parenting skills necessary to produce well adjusted adults when they finally grow up.
One of the last things I want to do, is to become a substitute dad because the previous marriage did not work, and there are so many problems or lack of contact, that the children suffer because the adults could not work out their differences and and still be good parents.
A helping hand is one thing, but becoming the main influence is a totally different situation, and one that needs to be considered long and hard when children are involved.
Just my opinion......   | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:44:02 AM | | It would not be a deal breaker for me either. I am with the other posters who feel that children are a blessing. Although my own two kids are on their own, I would have not hesitated to become involved with a man who has small children. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:47:43 AM | "you are dating them, not the children"
Well, the children are actually controlling the dating whether or not they mean to. Their will be no cashing in last min. travel specials.............may be no traveling at all. Everything in fact, will have to be cancelled if there is an issue with the child(ren).
Children can directly end some relationships by just deciding they don't like the person their parent is dating. Ad the ex factor...............it is no wonder so many want no part of this lifestyle of being other other women or man. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:51:51 AM | Wouldn't be a big deal for me, if a guy has kids... I rather have them a tad younger because I can relate to them better. It is hard to find a partner when you have young kids in your 30's-40's, mine was 6 when we divorced years ago so I know where you are coming from. At first that was upsetting but after a while I just figured I much rather find out right away that potential partners aren't into that then them trying and then finding out later that it's not working for them.
Just remember to find a balance once you do meet that special lady. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:58:03 AM | I didn't like the idea of the 5-year-old daughter, now that my son is 18. I did speak to him on the phone when he called on a Sunday evening. Then it was "just a minute, my daughter needs me to put on her necklace, or bracelet, or fix the thing in her hair" so I was waiting on the phone. Then he said "I have to leave now to take her back to her mom's, I'll call you back" but he never did. I feel it's just as well.
I dated a man who had two older kids, teens, and he would break dates sometimes because of them. Not sure if it really was them or not, though, I felt he may have felt guilty and maybe manipulated at times (i.e., tested), or else it was his own conflicts about where his loyalty should lie. I never resented him being there for his kids, I admire that, but if you make a date with me and then change it at the last minute because daughter wants to go out to dinner, that I found hard to accept. I met them and we liked each other, just didn't get to the point of doing a whole lot of stuff together.
It would take a lot of patience and understanding and unselfishness. I've also met men who I know don't want to be around my son. Better to know in the beginning as there are no guarantees. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 12:36:46 PM | when I have dated men with children, I usually HAVE BEEN also dating the children ...
was in a 4-year relationship with a man who had partial custody of his 2 TWEEN-aged daughters ... we had the girls every other weekend and every other holiday ... about a total of three to four weeks during summer vacation ... he also preferred it if "the woman" was the child-care provider! so his children and I spent a LOT of time together ... good, fun, positive time together ...
eventually, it got to be where I was "staying with him because of the children" ... and they weren't even MY CHILDREN! I apologized and explained to the girls why I had to leave their father before I explained it to him ... THEY understood ... they said they were grateful I'd been with them as long as I had ... we cried ...
when there are children involved, the DRAMA increases ten-fold ... it gets complicated ... and ... for the most part, I CAN'T NOT love the kids ... I don't miss him a bit ... but I spent a lot of time wondering what happened to those two girls ...
Molly .....  | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 36 | |
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 12:41:05 PM | People make choices all the time. Some at enormous personal cost.
My OPINION is that I wouldn't be too thrilled with a man who saw his kids 6 days a month. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 1:00:59 PM |
People make choices all the time. Some at enormous personal cost.
That they do Landra, that they do! However, sometimes circumstances prevent us from having access to our children as much as we would like to. Then, there are others of us who can simply walk away without so much as a backwards glance. I do not fault the OP for 6 days a month. Heck, he is in his boy's life isn't he? That is a lot more committment than some folks I know or have heard about! I wouldn't reject the OP based on the amount of time spent with his child....then again, this really isn't the topic at hand....
OP? I think you should, as someone else here stated, maybe rephrase the part about how little time you would have to spend with someone between work and your boy. It gives the impression you are perhaps too busy to date, thus making a gal bypass you for having a young child? Just my own two cents.... | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 1:25:31 PM | | I don't care. I love kids, I have my own, and I can't drop things on a dime either. You need to find someone else with kids who understands your situation. If she really cares for you, she'll accept the whole package. I think a guy that puts his kids first is admirable. What would the opposite be - a deadbeat dad? Any, your little guy is eight? Hardly a baby. You only have him every other weekend, so what's the big deal? If you are dating women in your age group, I can't see how this would be a problem. If you are dating much younger women, or older women, I could see where there might be a problem. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 1:44:55 PM |
I am too old for that, and want someone who's been there, done that, and is at a place in his life where he's ready to enjoy himself, and give himself fully and freely to a relationship.
She said it best IMO. Someone else thought this was a selfish attitude. I don't understand that thinking. We are all entitled to make our own life choices and I choose to live mine without someone else's young children. My grandchildren will be plenty and I'd like to be free to devote my time to them. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 1:46:03 PM | Ooops. ...add on.
Besides, there are many single parents out there, both male and female. Let them blend their families. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 1:59:00 PM | Once again ty to all who have posted here. I see there has been some confusion and more than likely it is how things were worded. I appoligise for any confusion.
Landra ,I do understand your point of view on the 6 days a month comments.. A bit of background may clear this up. My son lives an hour and a half away so being there everyday isnt feasable (sp), although I wish it was. I have visitation everyother weekend and on certian holidays ( here in Ohio we go by a modified version of the schedule 'A' vistation for holidays and they alternate by year). In addition I have had him on many holidays where his mother offered me that time and I have always taken it. Although I can not be there on a daily basis, and he understands why, and also knows that I am never more than a phonecall away. He was two when we divorced and she did live closer ( until 2 yrs ago) and I had him for weekends back then as well as two mid week evenings. So I did my fair share of the diapers and potty training and all the rest, so I am far from being a sometimes father. I hope this clears that up for you and I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
The issue, it seems ( in my situation), is not about the amount of time I have to spend, it was simply the fact of the childs age and I dont fault anyone on their decisions. I also do not date at what could be considered out of my age range ( +/- 6 years tops).
I also have no problem in dating women who may have younger children.. it has never been an issue with me. Kids truly are a blessing even when they are trying your patience..lol.
My youngest sons mother had 3 of her own when we met and later married. While I can attest to the fact that "blending families" can be difficult at times, as we were married for 8 years and we both had custody of our children ( I had two from my first marrage). So I have experience with that situation.
Oh and I almost forgot to mention. He is one of the best looking ( sure I a biased I am his father..lol), well behaved 8 yr olds you would ever meet. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 2:08:54 PM | "Some at enormous personal cost."
Which is there choice. There cost. Not my cost.
Why folks with kids don't concentrate on dating other with kids is beyond me. Guess in a lot of cases they (maybe not OP) want their cake, and be able to eat it too. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 2:11:10 PM | | I also would like to mention that I am not offended by anyones answers here. We are all free to make our choices based on what is best for us. So there really are no right or wrong answers here. I was merely curious as to what others thought about this situation/topic. And once again thank-you all for taking the time to help me out with this. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 2:12:57 PM | Which is there choice. There cost. Not my cost.
Why folks with kids don't concentrate on dating other with kids is beyond me. Guess in a lot of cases they (maybe not OP) want their cake, and be able to eat it too.
Guess there's more of us than of you, Moriama. Bad luck for you; have fun waiting for someone who doesn't have any children in their life. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 2:16:16 PM | No worries OP. Thank you for being the type of person who respect preferences. If I had a dollar for every man who tried to tear a strip off of me because I wouldn't date him because he had a young child, I would be on vacation right now.
I don't understand why someone would read my profile and see that I have no children (wouldn't it make sense that it there was a big chance that it was by choice) yet still expect me to jump at the chance of having a relationship with him and his child.
The names I have been called for saying thanks but no thanks | |
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*Don*
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Joined: 1/30/2009
Msg: 47 | |
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 2:39:23 PM |
Guess there's more of us than of you, Moriama. Bad luck for you; have fun waiting for someone who doesn't have any children in their life. {msg. 45}
Sorry, Ms. FFS ... how many there are of a certain type of people means nothing. People don't come here to date the majority, the top 30% or the bottom 40%. People come to find 'one' person out of the sea of thousands -- well, most do anyway. And to change what you think about things because it's going to better match the majority, that it's going to increase your chances of finding just one person is really not that wise.
People that enjoy the company of and have children end up with those that are the same. Those that don't and don't, end up with those that don't and don't, as well. I really don't see the problem here, or why it should be a source of contention.
D | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 2:44:42 PM | As usual Don, you "get it".
"Bad luck for you" Only if I want to be you, which I don't.
It is ok. At the planet is able to sustain less, and less people, I can die in peace not worried about future generations of my children.
Some enjoy kids, some don't. Not an issue for me..............why others with kids make it an issue is beyond me. (See what I mean OP.) | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 3:31:38 PM | Wow...I guess I better give up on finding anyone huh?
How depressing these comments have been.
Procol, don't give up - see, there are plenty of women with young children who wouldn't mind meeting a man in the same situation, because they have more empathy and understanding and acceptance of the situation and the challenges it presents, and also you have more in common with them. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 3:39:28 PM | Sorry, Ms. FFS ... how many there are of a certain type of people means nothing. People don't come here to date the majority, the top 30% or the bottom 40%. People come to find 'one' person out of the sea of thousands -- well, most do anyway. And to change what you think about things because it's going to better match the majority, that it's going to increase your chances of finding just one person is really not that wise.
People that enjoy the company of and have children end up with those that are the same. Those that don't and don't, end up with those that don't and don't, as well. I really don't see the problem here, or why it should be a source of contention.
Don, I wasn't making personal choice a bone of contention.
I was referring to this comment:
Why folks with kids don't concentrate on dating other with kids is beyond me. Guess in a lot of cases they (maybe not OP) want their cake, and be able to eat it too.
To be told that people with children should only date people with children is absurd. It seems however that this poster feels it's ok for her to tell me what to do, but I'm not allowed to respond in kind.
I do agree that some people should avoid children at all costs.. | |
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