| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 3:41:54 PM | I predict a whole generation of spoiled, self-centered, unable to wipe their noses kids grown into adults just from what I see around me.
My younger son is high-functioning autistic, diabetic & broke his ankle last week. He lives w/ Dad since last summer- guess what? he is independent & doesn't run his parent's lives...not too much that is...
I have seen parents w/ "Normal", "healthy" kids allow themselves to be jerked around by the kids- translation: the parent is emotionally screwed up & has an unnaturaL ATTACHEMENT TO THE CHILD BECAUSE THEY CANNOT RELATE NORMALLY TO AN ADULT IN AN INTIMATE MANNER. THE CHILD IS USED AS CRUTCH.
There are many good parents who do NOT do this, but many NOT SO GOOD PARENTS do.
So no young kids, no one too close to their kids.
Being a good parent means you've raised your kid to be independent | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 4:09:32 PM | To be told that people with children should only date people with children is absurd. It seems however that this poster feels it's ok for her to tell me what to do, but I'm not allowed to respond in kind.
I do agree that some people should avoid children at all costs.
And I agree and didn't mean to imply that either in my response to Procol, it's just usually easier (for those with children to date others with children). Maybe that's why they have the question on the profiles "Do You Want Children?" If someone says "does not want children" you can safely assume they don't want yours. If they say "undecided" they may be open to accepting yours. Of course, it's not something easily assumed, you could meet someone and all your preconceptions of what's "acceptable" are changed, because of that person (and maybe their other little persons). | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 4:19:36 PM | | God bless you Molly. I hope you find them again someday showing others the type of kindness and caring you taught them. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 4:23:32 PM | Maybe that's why they have the question on the profiles "Do You Want Children?" If someone says "does not want children" you can safely assume they don't want yours. If they say "undecided" they may be open to accepting yours.
You know that one question like alot of others on a profile seems to be a grey area and has many definitions and I remember reading a thread awhile back on it. While some take it ( Don't want children) to mean I am going to give birth to any, but I dont mind if you have kids. And others mean it to be I just dont want kids. So comunication between the parties is important.
As for the posters who say those of us with younger kids should be looking ofr the same. I know as a father of a younger child who has re-entered the dating world that I would prefer someone who has children because they understand not only the joys of having a child but the demands ( homework , ball games, illness, etc.) as well. As I mentioned in an earlier post I have experienced the "blended family" before so I very well understand the package deal. This doesnt mean necessarily that someone who hasnt had children is any less desirable to me. It means in my part of pond there are the ones who swim here with me and the ones who wont because of my younger offspring. I havent given up hope at all..She's out there. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 4:30:50 PM | God bless you Molly. I hope you find them again someday showing others the type of kindness and caring you taught them
Ditto that! Those girls will NEVER forget the love and care they received from Molly and hopefully that will be a source of comfort to them in times of hardship.
I know as a father of a younger child who has re-entered the dating world that I would prefer someone who has children because they understand not only the joys of having a child but the demands as well. As I mentioned in an earlier post I have experienced the "blended family" before so I very well understand the package deal. This doesnt mean necessarily that someone who hasnt had children is any less desirable to me. It means in my part of pond there are the ones who swim here with me and the ones who wont because of my younger offspring. I havent given up hope at all..She's out there.
I agree 100%. Also, even though I really don't want young children myself at this point, I really respect someone who's a good father and a family man, so I look at that as a positive thing. None of us live in a vacuum or bubble and as I said earlier, preconceived notions can fly out the window under certain circumstances. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 5:17:36 PM |
when there are children involved, the DRAMA increases ten-fold ... it gets complicated ... and ... for the most part, I CAN'T NOT love the kids ... I don't miss him a bit ... but I spent a lot of time wondering what happened to those two girls ...
There is a lot of truth in this remark. Although I've never had children myself, I once dated a guy (a real jerk) who had a lovely daughter who lived out of state and had a strained relationship with him. Years later, I've often wondered how she grew up. I even dated a guy whose dog I loved and missed the dog instead of him. No, I'm not comparing kids to dogs, but you can get just as attached.
I love kids myself and made the decision ages ago to not have them, mainly because I could not live up to my standards as a parent. Pushing 50, I wish to only become involved with men without them or have grown kids, it's just a preference. It seems as though there are a lot of people who still have kids at home, its a shame that you can't all find each other. Good luck, OP. | |
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ndulj
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Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 57 | |
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 6:35:20 PM | I have to say it IS about the drama. It isn't that I begrudge a man his joy in experiencing all the love and emotion that goes with a child. I have experienced that same joy and drama.
I have sat in the stands and prayed they succeeded in their endeavors, I have agonized over the reports from school, I have paced the floor when they are sick and injured, I have rejoiced when they shone. I understand that they MUST be there for those things.
But understanding doesn't mean that I want to put my life back on hold while they do it. I have done it, now it is my time to live a life as an adult without those restraints(joyful as they were at the time)
Just my two cents. | |
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lmbb61
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Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 58 | |
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 6:52:22 PM | | I have a 9 year old, and being a widow I have her all the time. I've never found it a problem. Date women with kids around that age, makes it a bit easier. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 8:10:43 PM | Personally my experience has been that it's difficult to blend families. If you both have small... er... children then the parenting style might be different. I have yet to meet anyone who hasn't had significant drama from the other parent... myself included. It doesn't leave much leftover when raising a child to have the energy for a healthy relationship. I suppose I believe date but don't move in with someone til the kids are out of the house... lol... because like Landra I would not respect a man who was a parttime parent and then behave as a "superdad" when he was around them... Maybe I really believed that the Brady Bunch existed... Parenting in short is a fulltime job along with putting food on the table... I have tried it all and personally it never worked out... I decided then not to take things to seriously until my kids were grown... and it's fine by me..
Oh and Greeneyes I absolutely agree with you also.. some people are raising true brats who won't know what hit them when they are grown...
I also adopted a new puppy and he is going to find out who the leader of this pack is... ME.... I have become a new fan to Cesar Millan... just think about it people you have owners who totally mess up with how they are with their pets... let alone children...
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 8:24:56 PM | You know, I dated a guy for about a year who had three kids - the eldest was severely retarded (he was 16 with the IQ of about a four-year-old) and the second eldest had juvenile diabetes. He had them every weekend. I had my daughter, who was a year younger than his youngest girl.
Yep, there were times I wished they could all disappear..lol...INCLUDING my own. But that's who he was. They were a part of who he was.
In the end, it wasn't the kids that broke us up. There were other reasons.
I can fully understand where posters are coming from when they say, my kids have grown up. It's my time now. Or, I don't need the drama.
But - but - kids grow up eventually. They do leave home.
And, like the OP said, even when they are grown up, they're still part of our lives. Their dramas will still be our dramas, to a degree.
But the way the OP described his situation doesnt sound like too much of an imposition on any future romance, imo. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 8:35:33 PM | FFS you are very correct about grown children... mine are still living with me and it's fine by me... the difference is I don't have to manage them anymore... but as with extended family and friends you discover that a couple isn't in their own universe and as in another post we have our aging parents. It will always be something. I guess I'm worn out with the energy needed for small children. I have a good friend (female) with two young kids... but it's just different then with a man... communication about children is different and they don't accuse you for interfering.. it's just a discussion...
I will enjoy grandchildren someday but then I can give them back at the end of the day... children are precious... and I suppose the operative is never say never... ever... | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:00:39 PM | | I would like to make a point here that I feel rather personally about.. I have seen more than one opinion made about the amount of time I have to spend with my son. I, early on after the divorce, had midweek visits ( two one week and then one the next) when his mother lived closer ( 5 miles and then 20 miles away) and two years ago she moved farther away ( an hour and half drive time in good traffic) for employment reasons. While the quantity of our time has diminished, for me the quality hasn't. We have to make the best of the time we have together and it doesnt matter what we do because its our time. To me is that we are together when we do it, even if it is talking about silly things that we see on the ride back and forth from picking him up or taking him back. So in my sons eyes it doesn't matter what we do I will always be a super dad. I dont have to spoil him with anything other than my attention for him to know I am a great parent. I have done the same with all of my children and they some of the best people you could ever hope to meet. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 6:34:04 AM | "Why folks with kids don't concentrate on dating other with kids is beyond me. Guess in a lot of cases they (maybe not OP) want their cake, and be able to eat it too.
To be told that people with children should only date people with children is absurd. It seems however that this poster feels it's ok for her to tell me what to do, but I'm not allowed to respond in kind.
I do agree that some people should avoid children at all costs.. "
So please explain why you would want to convince people who don't want children in their lives at this point, to date people with young children?
Are you saying that you want to date people with no children so that you will have the benefits that come with the no children in the picture? Are you saying it would be easier than trying to blend a family? | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 6:46:58 AM | | ^^Mori hun, I think to make a statement such as "folks with kids, should only date other folks with kids" is restrictive. Least that is how I see it. You are putting those folks into a class unto themselves. As I have said before, I wouldn't personally seek out a man who has young children, but if I met, was strongly attracted to, found him to be all that I want in a man, would I turn my back simply because he had a young child? Hell, I don't think so. Dating is a minefield of hits and miss...if I connected, I would sure do my darndest to make it work. jmho | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:07:46 AM | Dating getting along with someone is a pretty hard job in itself.
Add children.
Pets.
Jobs.
And all those other little goodies we all need or want can make relationships pretty hard.
Its not only the "Young" children I've seen and been around those that have "Grown-Adult" children in there 20's - 30's & Yes 40's that make dating the one you want impossible or unthinkable. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:08:27 AM | ^^^MOONIE!!!!
Even when I was single I never not dated anyone because they had children.
Now that I have two of my own that hasn't changed. If I found someone to love I could not give that up because of some idea of "my time".
But I guess some people have different priorities. So be it...
edit: Yes scott, so the ideal is to find a SO without children, pets or a job???
Sounds like a plan!!! | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:37:04 AM | Thank you, Notdesper8atall, for creating this thread.
Like you, I have encountered women on PlentyofFish for whom my having visitation with my youngest child (9 years old) is a "deal breaker." I am actually grateful for their honesty. This is an "over 45" thread, and women and men have a right to be in a "been there, done that" stage of their life, if they choose.
A responder stated that the POF "does not want children" category implies that the person does not want YOUR children. It's actually ambiguous, I wish POF was more explicit. Usually if someone says they love "travel," that's a dead giveaway that a single dad, with either full custody or just visitation, will not be acceptable.
I am greatly surprised by the number of people who have responded thinking that dating a divorced man with children is going to force "motherhood" responsibilities on to them. My children have a mother, they don't need a second one.
Also, it would be irresponsible for a single father to introduce a date to his children until the relationship had progressed to an appropriate level. I don't know what was going on after 10 months, but there are no deadlines on this. Taking it slow is definitely preferable to rushing things, for the kids' sake.
It's funny, I wonder if an over 45 person with elderly parents to take care of is considered as much as a "deal breaker'? Certainly, similar issues will pertain. Ponder that. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:48:04 AM | It's funny, I wonder if an over 45 person with elderly parents to take care of is considered as much as a "deal breaker'? Certainly, similar issues will pertain. Ponder that.
^^Have to tell you? I am taking care of my Mommie Dearest whilst her apt is being repaired from a burst pipe and water damage. Quite honestly? I can't ever imagine anyone wanting to "tolerate" me whilst I am under such an obligation. Hell, I can't even tolerate the situation myself!
OT: See? Really, there are all kinds of reasons for the why's of how relationships work. I just like to leave things to fate...see how it works out. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:52:25 AM | Hudson you bring up a very good point, there are definitely similarities.
Dating is a mine field and everyone has their right to look for what suits them, for me it wouldn't be a big deal if they had small children or elderly parents. Still having a child in school probably makes it easier for me to say that, for someone that is done with the raising, more power to them, I rather find out very early on like I said in my earlier post then them putting on a fake front and it turns into a issue later.
The OP has the standard Ohio visitation, I know it well since it applies in my family also. Seems a lot take issue with the time he spends with his child, from what I understand he follows the guidelines given and just like in my household if possible more time is spent but the bare minimum is the schedule. Not everyone is able to live next door to their ex spouse or within reasonable distance for daily visits, which would in some cases not work either. It boils down more to quality and consistency then a count of days. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:11:07 AM | lets turn it around for a sec.. single here, no kids but enjoy them. Not an orphan so I know how a family with kids works.. but most men will not give me the time of day basically because I dont have any. I'm pretty flexible & understand not being avail because of visitation, sickness, graduation etc. I can certainly find something to do at that time & not pout that I am not being wined & dined.  . Have never been high maintainance anyway.
But I think to restrict yourself to "no kids vs kids" could make you lose out on a potentially great partner. Its all about compromise. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:17:48 AM | When I first got single from my first marriage, many years ago, i had a three year old and an 8 year old and i had them all the time. i had several women use a variation of the "your a great guy, i really like you, but your kids are too much" (not behavior wise simply responsibility wise. now considering my ex's mental state at that time i can understand the whole "babymommadrama" avoidance thing. If your kid is an important part of your life stick to your guns. they are only yougn for a while and you have limited time to enjoy that. theris only so long they believe in santa or want you to play catch or monopoly with them. if any lover of mine did not want me to enjoy , and maybe even be a part of herself, those years i would not want her around really. trust me on this one, the day will come when you will not be an important item in your kids life compared to their friends and gf/bf. enjoy those days you have and let the people who come in your life know that is a part of your life you are not willing to give up and if they are not onboard with that let em go gracefully. no point in being angry about it ( i was shocked then bemused personally) but do move on and move on quickly. after all if you are chasing a relationship with a built in problem a good relationship might pass you by.  | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:25:32 AM | Whenever I see "love to travel" all I think of is someone looking for financial support for their globe trotting...
In general, if you have absolutely no baggage by the 45+ age group, I would be very cautious. Only way to do that would be a life of complete self indulgence. Most people become entangled with family at some level. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:59:48 AM | " I think to make a statement such as "folks with kids, should only date other folks with kids" is restrictive. Least that is how I see it. You are putting those folks into a class unto themselves. "
No, it is the folks who had the children who put themselves in a class other than they were in when they didn't have children.
"Whenever I see "love to travel" all I think of is someone looking for financial support for their globe trotting..."...................so all the women who are single and have been for years, and travel internationally several times a year.............and you think they don't pay for their travel themselves..........too funny. Not having children frees up all kind of my disposable income to do with as I like. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 10:30:24 AM | Been there, done that and I would not do it again unless the child(ren) were in high school and self sufficient. I am not the selfish type but when a child is included in most dates then three becomes a crowd.
If the fourteen year old daughter was not out to dinner with us or with us at concerts or the movies then she was always having to be carpooled to her friend's houses and picked up which broke up our week-end plans. Finally it was just too much when he invited her on OUR romantic vacation get-a-way to Vegas. What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas and they did stay while I left. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/27/2009 10:34:05 AM | | I interpret the "Wants Children" question on the profile page as "Do you want MORE children not as do you want his or her children.... | |
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