|
|
|
|
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:37:39 PM | Scott, lucky for me the new man came with two grown, degreed and well-adjusted sons who live elsewhere. And I adore his dogs... which also have softened my daughters' losses of their own pets this past year (we rescued them about 3 years ago and they both developed severe genetic illnesses necessitating having them put to sleep).
Poor guy. I suspect he is less thrilled with my daughters but probably relieved only one is under 18. LOL! | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:41:01 PM | | I adore children, but that age range would be a deal breaker for me too, I'm afraid. I have an 18 yr old at home, and my house is always full of teenagers. I have friends and neighbors who bring their younger children by to visit often, and I love them all. I offer them every ounce of love and affection I have. But when I need some down time, I can say no to anything at any time with no guilt. If I feel like taking off for an evening or a weekend, the kids here can figure it out. And having been a stepparent for many years, I can say I've dealt with all the baby mama drama I ever intend to. I might make an exception for an exceptional man, but he would have to be something REALLY REALLY special. I have a friend who had a 17 yr old and an 18 yr old, then remarried and started a new family.....Her new babies are angels, but not a day goes by that she doesn't ask herself What have I done? I'm sorry you're experiencing this problem, but I can definately understand why it's happening. Once you have raised your family, you're entitled to be a little more selfish with your time. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/31/2009 4:29:23 PM | | Well no matter what the age of the individuals its always "a package deal" as a few have pointed out. I fault no one on the choices they make on what relationship to persue or not and once again thank-you all for your input. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/31/2009 5:30:34 PM | moraima, I agree with everything you've posted. I tried to write you but not in your mail requirements.
Why is fine if someone who has had children says they don't want to date someone with small children cause "they've been there and done that", but let a single, childless person say that and it's just wrong and they must be selfish?
I have chosen to remain childless, always have. There is no such thing as too much birth control.  Kids aren't my thing and I don't feel the need to apologize for it. The only reason to have kids is to make them do menial tasks you have no interest in. I've also remained unmarried by choice. Dodged that bullet 3 times. But that's another topic.
I will also say, I will date a man with small children but I won't get serious with one. It's my choice. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/31/2009 5:55:30 PM | PB: I dont think anyone is telling Moraima who to date; rather, it's the other way around.
Why folks with kids don't concentrate on dating other with kids is beyond me. Guess in a lot of cases they (maybe not OP) want their cake, and be able to eat it too.
I do find it confusing how some posters have no problem telling people what to do, and then turn it all around when people object. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/31/2009 6:57:17 PM |
Well, I'd like to add that I think being a good father makes a man more sexy. I like to see that side in a man - it adds to his complexity and depth. You get to see how compassionate, loving and mature he is. Good parenting skills in a man are a turn-on, imo. I was thinking this, the whole time I was reading, and there it was...finally someone said it! I feel the same way...a good father is 'extremely sexy'!
To answer the question, I would have NO PROBLEM with it at ALL, providing that he was a good father. In MY situation, the father did NOTHING for my daughter, but could take off and do whatever he wanted while I had to ASK if I wanted to do anything. If it was going to be THAT situation again, I wouldn't go for it, but I sure would be MORE than willing to put in my SHARE...
Who says you can't travel or take vacations with little ones? The vacations change somewhat...as it becomes Disneyland or theme parks, but I'm still a kid and that sounds like fun to me!!
Ya know, OP...I'm finding the same problem, and I'm only 'helping out' with my grandkids. It DOES limit me, but this won't be forever...maybe another year or so...but it doesn't bother me...I'd rather weed out those type people now, so when I'm free, I will be with those compassionate, caring people who are what I'm looking for anyway. Think of it as a 'weeding' tool, and it won't bother you so much.
Whoever said that you were too old for the under 40's???? What are they thinking? I was 35 when I had my daughter, so I dated younger at the time...mainly because that was the age that had kids the same age as my daughter...so you may HAVE to look younger, just to find the common interest. Let me warn you, though...as soon as you do, the older women will be jumping all over you because you don't want women your own age. *sigh* You can't win them all...don't even try.
BTW, I notice that you are in Canton, Ohio. Hi neighbor! I was born and raised in Massillon. (I couldn't say this in a private email because of your age restriction.)
~DC~ | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/31/2009 8:45:01 PM | | Thanks for the comments DC and howdy back neighbor.. Dont worry I wont hold your being a Tiger against you if you dont hold it against me that I was a Viking..lol. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/1/2009 3:26:09 PM | Definitely not a deal breaker for me, but then I have an 11 year old myself. It is hard to date when you have younger kids at our age. That said, I would not trade this time with my child for anything. With my first two I was stuck just trying to survive. With this last one, I am independent and we love to travel and go places together. Having walked the step family road once, I would not do that again. No co-habitation or marriage for me until the last little duck leaves the nest.
Best to you!
BZB | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 7:06:28 AM |
Well, I'd like to add that I think being a good father makes a man more sexy. I like to see that side in a man - it adds to his complexity and depth. You get to see how compassionate, loving and mature he is. Good parenting skills in a man are a turn-on, imo.
I can see the same side in a good grandfather and then his grandchildren are mine to spoil, indulge and send home!
 | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 8:09:53 AM | I dated a man who had two teenage children.who spent one evening a week and every other weekend with them. He also attended all of their soccer games, most of their practices and parent-teacher conferences...He told them about me but I never did get to meet them. Just by what he said about them, they seemed like great kids !!
Yes, there were times that unexpected kid issues came up and he would have to cancel a date, but having raised children myself, I understood.
It was never an obstacle in our relationship. Among other things, it was one of the reasons I really liked him; for being there for his children. The two of us spent plenty of time together on the other days and the days we didn't see each other gave me an opportunity to spend evenings with my female friends and to do other things that I liked to do. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 8:41:26 AM | "Why folks with kids don't concentrate on dating other with kids is beyond me. Guess in a lot of cases they (maybe not OP) want their cake, and be able to eat it too."
My point is that too many people want a new person to accept their package deal, but don't want to accept package deals of another person with children, so they try to get someone without children to get involved with them.
It is similiar to the profiles of people who want to date someone has has multiple things to bring to the table that they do not. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 9:04:01 AM | Very interesting thread indeed! I have often entertained the idea of how I would feel dating a man with younger children. And as I have said, I would be open to the idea if he was an "active" participant in the care of his children. Not just looking for someone to take care of his kids. Now, however, I am faced with a grandbaby with two parents who "think" they are adults. No matter how much I do not wish to be the main caretaker, there will definately be involvement on my part with the raising of this child. Now? What man would wish to enter into that arrangement? We just never know when life will provide another "twist" and we have to adapt... | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 9:37:14 AM | | I don't think that someone having young children would be a deal breaker for me. I don't think I would date someone with a baby though since whatever relationship this child was a product of obviously did not end very long ago,and I have no interest in being the rebound person. I would prefer to date men who already have all the children they want since they will not be having any from me.At my age having children is out of the question. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 10:47:43 AM | No dealbreaker for me. But I have custody of two young ones (and a couple adult kids who are on their own now). Once they leave the house, as traumatizing as it is for me, their rooms are magically transformed into a library, den, or playroom. When troubles hit them, instead of handouts I give them a heartfelt pat on the back and a "There there.... I'm sorry to hear that. Now..... tell me your plan to deal with this pickle".
There is a dealbreaker concerning my kids though. If I have someone in my life, they can be an adult friend to them, but no more. No intersessions. Ever. Discipline and all decisions are mine and their mother's. If they want something and they ask my SO, she's to say "Gee I don't know if you're allowed. What did your father say about it? You should ask him. No I will not ask him for you." I know this can be near impossible for some people, so I don't let my expectations get out of hand. I think it would be easier with someone who never had children though, but maybe not. I don't know. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 11:04:39 AM | ^^^How far would you take that Tazed? If a woman is involved in your life, has met your children, spent time with them, and then lives with you and them? I can understand major decisions for sure. But? The lady in question, I would imagine, is taking an active role in the family dynamics right? So she isn't allowed ever to assist your children? Could she never take your daughter on a girlie shopping spree for the latest fashions? How about a day trip somewhere, just she and your kids? Maybe you are busy? You get my gyst hun, or am I really messing this one up? | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 11:10:22 AM | There is a dealbreaker concerning my kids though. If I have someone in my life, they can be an adult friend to them, but no more. Ohhhhhh.....I have a problem with this one. Been there, done that, in spades. An adult is an adult. A child is a child. To expect an adult to live in the home with childen, to be the partner of those childern's parent, and they are only a friend? No. Sorry. Doesn't work.
What if, for example, the woman sees one of the children breaking the household rules, your rules. As she is only 'their adult friend,' does she tell you about it? Does she talk to them and tell them to tell you? Does she ignore it? It doesn't work. It doesn't work on any level.
Of course, if you are talking about only dating, and not a serious long term relationship, things are different.
I think it would be easier with someone who never had children though, but maybe not. I don't know. Given my personal experience and the fact I've never had children, I would say this is not necessarily true. Anyone you do this to, have this expectation of, you put in an extremely difficult and probably uncomfortable position. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 12:09:43 PM |
If I have someone in my life, they can be an adult friend to them, but no more. No intersessions. Ever. Discipline and all decisions are mine and their mother's. If they want something and they ask my SO, she's to say "Gee I don't know if you're allowed. What did your father say about it? You should ask him. No I will not ask him for you." I know this can be near impossible for some people, so I don't let my expectations get out of hand.
Taze, IMHO, in a cohabitation or marriage situation your expectations are already out of hand. A reasonable adult shouldn't have to consult you every time before dealing with the children. It is your responsibility as a parent to insure the persons you introduce into your children's lives are mentally stable and share views similar to your own. On top of that, it is your responsibility to have a clear understanding and agreement with that person regarding things like household rules, acceptable/expected behaviors, schedules, and consquences. If you can't establish and agree on those things with someone then you probably don't need to be with them anyway. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 12:31:04 PM | | I wouldn't run from it. I am pretty open to people anyway. I always try to put myself in their postition.......and today even through a lot of us have adult children. Would they be accepting if our adult children moved back home? Or how would they treat my adult Daughter....she is still my flesh and blood? So if they are willing to accept my children even through they are grown......I am more than willing to accept theirs. Grown or not. Besides having found just how hard it is to find someone to have those kind of feelings for......the children wouldn't be a big deal. Find someone of value that knows what is the really important thing is something special. I have found that older men that now have children seem to take better care of those children. And hopefully better care and more concerned about those they love..... | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 1:35:47 PM | How far would you take that Tazed? lol. Moon baby, those are the ground rules. You can bet you're booty the woman I end up with will have the sense to know ground rule are just that, and not a keep-your-nose-out-of-my-life thing, that the girly thing is cool, and she can shop, fashion, day trip till the cows come home. Hell, I'll even have a rib steak waiting for her when they get home.
Taking an active role in the family is, dare I say, expected and welcomed. Sitting back and watching a kid play with matches is not. I would also expect that the woman would be an extension of my eyes and ears, and it's important to know that the kids know that too. The most important way to make a child feel sucure in life is to supervise them. It a "I have your back" kinda thing.
Ismene2To expect an adult to live in the home with children, to be the partner of those children's parent, and they are only a friend? No. Sorry. Doesn't work. Then call it a role model, or an adult friend who is a responsible adult. It doesn't matter what you call it, the end result is someone they can rely (is this the right word?) on.
WindRoperyour expectations are already out of hand. Guess we won't be dating then huh. lol
... it is your responsibility to have a clear understanding and agreement with that person regarding things like household rules, acceptable/expected behaviors, schedules, and consequences. If you can't establish and agree on those things with someone then you probably don't need to be with them anyway. lol. I'm not about to write all worldly scenarios and permutations of, because I'll miss some for sure. Then get her to memorize them on top of that? It's my responsibility to make sure the woman I move in with is smart enough to be reasonable, and recognize not to push for something she would already know I don't agree with. It's bad enough to find myself occasionally negociating with my kids for something they want. I sure as hell don't want to do it with her too. And a "let's wear him down" routine would be recognised as hostile.
I've dated a few women who automatically went into mommy mode with "you should" at the beginning of every third sentence. And they haven't even met the kids yet. That's the best way for me to ensure I won't be available for the next date.
During the last 2 years they only met and got to know one woman. The last thing they'll ever see is daddy with a revolving harem. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/10/2009 2:56:28 PM | I didn't suggest you write down every worldy scenario. That's just a stick-man argumentative diversion.
If a woman you 'move in' can be assumed to be smart and reasonable, then why should she have to run everything by you? I don't know any smart women who would find that reasonable at all. Most likely a smart woman would tell you she was under the impression you're looking for a partner, not another child.
A smart woman who is being an extension of you would bring unacceptable behavior to the entire household's attention by making you aware of it in the children's presence. Let's assume that everyone agrees or can see that she has a point. So, then, a consequence would established for furture incidents. Should such future incident occur while you are not there, having previously discussed the matter, she shouldn't need to run it by you again or wait until you get home.
As for your example of a woman conspiring with you kids to wear you down and get what she and they want, smart women don't play such childish games. What you're describing sounds more like a gold-digger with a Peter (or Penny as the case may be) Pan Syndrome on a fixed income. LOL!
I do agree that a woman, especially one who hasn't even met your kids, shouldn't be telling you what you should and shouldn't do (or how to raise your kids). | |
|
| |
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/11/2009 10:01:59 AM | I love children, but my daughter is 32, and I have no grandchildren. I have two great nieces that live 1,000 miles from me whom I "spoil rotten" in lieu of grandchildren....but I'm the "fun" person in their lives......I don't do the "day to day" kiddie routine, and honestly, they can wear me out....
....so at this stage of my life, I am more a "grandma" type person -- "love 'em up and send 'em home", as opposed to a "kiddie day to day eldermommy".
Sometimes we screw around with nature, in my humble opinion. There is a perfectly good reason that women become less fertile as they age....... | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/12/2009 11:54:26 AM | It would seem so life has been brought back to this discussion. So I will touch on a few things I have seen since it's second breath.
Miss moon I understand your situation and know more than a few who are in it as well. One who is local to me here and one who lives in another state. While it is never easy to be in such a spot from many standpoints ( emotional, physical and financial) we still want teh best for our kids and in this case grandchildren. Your actions speak volumes about your character to me. and others I am sure, and they are all positive things. I know given the situation it doesn't make you any less relationship worthy at all.
Tazed I understand what your saying and can respect where you are coming from but I do see that not everyone will appreciate the point your trying to make.
The thing I have noticed most about being the parent of a younger child at this point in my life is that while the kids dont come with "manuals" I have already "built a few" and have a better handle on how to go about it. So I guess in some folks eyes that devotion to the lives we helped create does make us appear a bit sexier to some. To some others I guess we are still viewed as "tied" to a young kid. Personally I think that is a compliment and consider it as such knowing that while I have such devotion and still have more to spare that the loss of the "knot" is theres much more than mine. Good luck to all. | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/12/2009 12:12:12 PM | Well Not?
I have always considered myself as a single Mom, even though my ex did live with us during that time. He just simply opted out of being a Dad. Lived in the basement wachting movies day after day after freakin day! lol
So really? If you have a young child, and I were to have fallen in love with you, then that is my lot right? While I do not seek out a man with young children, I wouldn't shy away from one either if he was the right fix for me. And as I said? Now, there will be a grandbaby on the scene and I am still struggling with that one and how much of an involvement I will have. Cept I am a big mushy marshallow and that is exactly what scares me! lol | |
|
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/12/2009 2:30:37 PM |
Now, there will be a grandbaby on the scene and I am still struggling with that one and how much of an involvement I will have. Cept I am a big mushy marshallow and that is exactly what scares me! lol
It's a hard call, Moonie - but at the end of the day, it's a baby. I so can understand your disappointment (because your son is soooo young) and trepidation (because it is SO much responsibility and freedom is just a sniff away), but you'll figure it out. You're a smart woman who is also a kind and loving one - and a baby ... well...is a gorgeous, smelly, loud and adorable thing to have around.
Tazed, know where you are coming from. Having strangers tell me how to raise my kids would completely turn me off - but it's a hard call to set ground rules before the stage is even set. The adult friend thing is a good idea, but you have to be able to trust the woman you choose to become involved with. You have to be able to trust her to have the good sense to know when to step in and when not to. Otherwise, you're really setting the groundwork for a battlefield here...but good luck! | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
