| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/12/2009 4:20:39 PM | ^^^^ she kinda said it ..lol.
Moonie I can understand how you feel as I said I know a few ( two) other ladies who thought they were going to be back in the free world as it were but they stepped up and took whatever measures they needed to to make sure that the grandkids had what they needed .. be it emotional, physical or financial matters. One even went so far as to get custody ( and from what I understand of the situation it was a good thing but thats another thread). It wouldnt matter to me as I understand the situation and the thing I look at is the person when I choose to start or evolve a relationship the kids are just icing on the cake. Situations will always arise be it in one form or another that will cause a bit of a hill in a relationship. The thing is most people dont realize it still takes energy to move even on level ground. The hills make you realize why you like coasting from time to time..lol.
Edit post. Oh and I forgot to add one thing.. Moonie its okay to be a mushy marshmellow as long as there are no sticks or fire around. But occasionally there will be sticks and fire .. when those times happen just ask for some chocolate and graham crackers so stuck over the fire you will at least you will be a hot sticky sweet mess that many will love to be around | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/13/2009 6:27:29 AM | Tazed said:
If they want something and they ask my SO, she's to say "Gee I don't know if you're allowed. What did your father say about it? You should ask him. No I will not ask him for you." I know this can be near impossible for some people, so I don't let my expectations get out of hand. I think it would be easier with someone who never had children though, but maybe not. I don't know.
I do this now with my grandsons/daughter, since I live with them, and this is HER turn at child rearing...however, when she works and I'm in charge, I take over. It would be ridiculous to wait till she gets home. Some things need to be dealt with in the here and now.
When she was younger though, I got into a live-in relationship, and first he tried to stay in the background for most of the child rearing...but then I noticed that if he DID try to step in when needed, we encountered the "Your not my dad and you can't tell me what to do" routine. I knew that wasn't going to fly, so as I came to trust his judgement with her, I purposely let him be the one to make some decisions when he knew his would be the same as mine. (I let him play the 'good guy' role, as well.) There is a lot more harmony in the house when the child has to respect both elders. Most things were run through me first in private out of the child's hearing range, so she thought the decision came from him, although they came from me.
I've learned from being a foster parent how bad it is when the child KNOWS there are limits....they push them. A foster child KNOWS you can't touch them, so they can go to extreme behaviors, and there is not much you can do. I rarely hit my daughter either, but the knowledge that I COULD if she misbehaved, was usually enough to keep her in line. Make sense?
~DC~ | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/13/2009 7:05:56 AM | The type of man that I'm looking for can come with or without younger children---It's not a deal breaker. While having very young children would present a difficult turn in the road from where I'm at; for the right individual it would be worth it.
I agree with this,
Well, I'd like to add that I think being a good father makes a man more sexy. I like to see that side in a man - it adds to his complexity and depth. You get to see how compassionate, loving and mature he is. Good parenting skills in a man are a turn-on,
A man that I dated recently over the last year was one that I particularly liked for many reasons; but one of them was that even without being a dad, he had some amazing qualities about him that I liked...the kind of the qualities that point to him being a terrific father. He's in his early 40's without children and unfortunately thinks this is unlikely to happen at this point--which is of course a shame.
I think for me anyway that it is very likely that the right man for me will be a father or someone like this last fellow - a guy that gets it...someone who has the type of empathetic tolerant nature that I tend to like and someone that understands what that whole parent- emphasis was and is in my life (albeit to a lesser extent now). | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/28/2009 3:30:09 PM | This is exactly how I feel about younger children:
The type of man that I'm looking for can come with or without younger children---It's not a deal breaker. While having very young children would present a difficult turn in the road from where I'm at; for the right individual it would be worth it.
I agree with this,
"Well, I'd like to add that I think being a good father makes a man more sexy. I like to see that side in a man - it adds to his complexity and depth. You get to see how compassionate, loving and mature he is. Good parenting skills in a man are a turn-on."
I'm currently dating a guy with younger children and have not met them yet. The only problem is that they take a lot of his time. He understandably wants to spend as much time as possible but it leaves little time for us. It's too bad... I'm not sure how much longer I will date him because of it. I really like him but if we can't spend much time together, then what is the point?
So in theory they are not dealbreakers, because I like younger kids. I hope I get to meet his soon. But in practice they may be dealbreakers... no time is no time, however you slice it. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/28/2009 4:41:50 PM | "Well, I'd like to add that I think being a good father makes a man more sexy. I like to see that side in a man - it adds to his complexity and depth. You get to see how compassionate, loving and mature he is. Good parenting skills in a man are a turn-on",
I agree! However, young children are a deal breaker for me. I raised my girls alone for ten years and I am past wanting to deal with all that comes with having small kids. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/28/2009 4:43:37 PM | | Good father or dependant on clinging to a relationship with children. Sexy to me doesn't work that way. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/28/2009 5:41:06 PM | "Good father or dependant on clinging to a relationship with children. Sexy to me doesn't work that way"
I believe the point they are trying to make is that a good father has the ability for compassion, sincerity and maturity and to be one who can love. All of which a lot of women seem to find as admirable qualities in a man they would consider for a long term relationship. This is what makes us sexy in their eyes.
A father who is there when needed by his children at times doesn't necessarily make him one who is "clinging" to his children by any means although I do understand the context of your statement. Personally I don't depend on my children for anything other than their own ability to be the best people that they can be. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/29/2009 6:05:06 PM | I must be the wierd duck in the pond.
I don't see young kids as a problem. My 3rd wife had 7 kids the youngest being 3
12,17 and up.
Didn't bother me at all.
She is the same age as a couple of my grandkids.
And yes I take an active part in her life now and see her on weekends now.
So to me it is not a deal breaker. Being younger than my oldest daughter that is!!
take care   | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 4/29/2009 6:17:49 PM | Okay, my definintion of young is a child who can't dress, feed, bath, or wipe their own butts. No, I don't want someone who has "young" children. Been there and glad it's behind me.
Grandchildren? Don't have any yet. I will be able to give them back and have piece and quiet restored again.
My ex fiancee used to be obsessed with his youngest, even though he did have family own who would have offered assistance???
Nope, if you got younger children, I've got a wonderful 10 year old who is great with younger children (I teach 'em well......yes, I do......LOL), and will make sure I won't trip over your 2' child with a pot of boiling water I just pulled off the stove to drain.
Annie | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/4/2009 4:45:31 PM | | Well, this thread sure explaina a lot. I guess I'll have to wait another 8 years (on top of the previous 9) before trying to get a date. d;-) | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/8/2009 8:00:15 AM | Me too DUIS. My kids are 9 &11, I have a good visitation schedule. I suppose that I should consider myself unavailable for a few years. Ah, nope.
Pat | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/8/2009 1:09:09 PM | I've had men say to me they prefer to date someone with no children....at all....of any age, and all I can say is "fine"....you do what you want, because I sure as Hell am gonna do what I want! I've even had them say they would date me if I had a son and not a daughter......which I think i pretty stupid, but anyway.....
I think bashing people because they have children is just as nasty as the folks who bash the childless.....and quite a bit of it goes on in these forums......
Can't we all just get along?????? | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/8/2009 2:22:21 PM | Brand new to the forums and found this thread fascinating. Reinforced my belief that there is someone for everyone, and that we are what our past makes us. (or at least it influences us)
My view is children are a blessing and bring richness into my life - not away. I actually peruse profiles looking for men who do talk about their children - and how much they see them, as it can indicate (and yes just indicate theres always a lot more too each story) character qualities I look for. I broke off with a guy who ws always to willing to dump his kids to fit in with me - I want someone who knows the meaning of true commitment and loyalty and responsibility - not their own immediate gratification.
and yes I speak from experience because I have seen my childrens pain as there father drifted away from them to busy with his own needs to move on and find "happiness" Again our pasts influence us.
So I agree with brown lady1953 "Cant we al just get along' and respect each persons right to individual needs and choices.   | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/8/2009 4:19:53 PM | I've had men say to me they prefer to date someone with no children....at all....of any age
I've had someone tell me he wants someone with "no kids at home."
When you have young and teenage [not moved out] children, playtime [for you] is over.
Only playtime with you! If anyone doesn't live alone, obviously their privacy has limits. There are always times, and other places, to play, if one really wants to, but some, like you, have no tolerance for limits. You must have you own place to play in, and since you don't want a long-term or committed relationship you could be missing out on some really "fun" playmates. (Not me of course)
So I agree with brown lady1953 "Cant we al just get along' and respect each persons right to individual needs and choices
Yes everyone's entitled to their own preferences! | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/8/2009 4:30:25 PM | I have a friend whose mother died when she was young. Her stepmother did not take any interest in the stepchilren that she took on, resented them in fact. It has hurt my friend all of her life, she felt unworthy of being loved. As luck would have it, she was infertile. She married a man with three kids and let me tell you, she is a fantastic stepmother. She is their friend, but she is a parental figure to them as well when they are in her home.
Adults who love our kids and who want the best for them are a good thing. I think boundary lines have to be observed to a point and the kids to feel comfortable loving their stepparent. Having said that, I think it takes a very unselfish person to be a stepparent and to tolerate ongoing issues with CS, visitation, etc. I asked my friend once if she ever resented cancelled vacations due to ongoing money iisues above and beyond CS going out the door and she said no, nothing that she wanted was more important than what his kids needed. I marvel at her and if I were to date a man with kids, I hope I can take a page from Judy's book because she does it all right.
I have raised my girls and now, I am looking at having more freedom. Young children do not fit into the lifestyle I am trying to acquire, however, life throws us curve balls and for the right man, I might have to reconsider my position on this issue. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/8/2009 10:12:00 PM | It depends on how it's (the relationship w/ your child) is presented.
If you make it seem like you are looking for an "instant Mommy" or part-time babysitter ,then your responses will probably be poor.
If you sell it as a non-negotiable "package deal" (particularly to woman that were single parents themselves) you may have an easier time.
Personally,I'd advise against dating women that don't have children in your position;most probably would lack the necessary empathy to make for a successful partner. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/9/2009 7:42:49 PM | | I have found that frequently men run for the hills lol, when they find out I still have a 13 yo and a 16 yo still at home. Lol they run before they even meet them. I dont find that it is an issue if the guy has younger children. I dated one nice guy several times, he knew that I had younger children from our first talks. But into the third date he told me that maybe we shouldnt date anymore because he really didnt want to get involved with a woman with children. I thought this was maybe just an excuse, who knows lol | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/9/2009 9:33:53 PM |
I dated one nice guy several times, he knew that I had younger children from our first talks. But into the third date he told me that maybe we shouldnt date anymore because he really didnt want to get involved with a woman with children. I thought this was maybe just an excuse, who knows lol
Rainey, it does sound that way doesn't it, that it was an excuse, if he knew from the beginning you have young children and then decides not to date after 3-4 dates because of that reason? If it's OK for 3 dates it should be OK for 10 or 20, right? If there's something someone knows is unacceptable from the beginning then they should just not go there at all. If you want to be friends that's different, but that should also be made clear in the beginning. Sorry that happened to you, it's disappointing at least and hurtful if you really like someone and get your hopes up. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/9/2009 10:18:21 PM | "A father who is there when needed by his children at times doesn't necessarily make him one who is "clinging" to his children by any means although I do understand the context of your statement. Personally I don't depend on my children for anything other than their own ability to be the best people that they can be. "
OP...I don't for a min. think of you as co dependant. However, it is scary how many older men I have had contact me over the years who have gone from having a co dependant marriage to being co dependant on their adult children.
OP I think you get it, I think I get it. The co dependant folks need to check out co dependant meaning . At first they will hate it. Quickly they will be free and happy. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 5/10/2009 8:28:09 PM | Since I have no children, that doesn't inhibit me. But, I have no problem with someone who has kids. As long as the lady is honest about having them, and correctly states their ages, it's all good!
But someone shouldn't hide the fact of having children then "spring" it on the guy many dates later. So, no, it's no deal breaker for me... | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 6/14/2009 5:01:02 PM | | A lady that I casually dated had a under 10. As there was a nice 50/50 time split with the dad, I was okay, as it gave us every other weekend to come and go as we pleased. If the relationship had moved to the next stage I was quite prepared to interact with the boy when he was with mom, and adjust our activities on those weekends, as I love children. The issue for me would have been when he got to the rebellious teenage years (which happens from time to time!). | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 6/14/2009 5:21:01 PM | | Ya know...there was a time I thought that being a CP dad would be a deal breaker...then I found that my parental status wasn't the deal breaker...it was the attitude's of some women....and so I started to look for women who's profiles spoke of acceptance...and lo and behold....there's plenty of them out there.... I seem to have found my special one...and she's a CP mom....soooo....OP....look for women who have the proper attitude about children!!! | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:07:15 PM |
A lady that I casually dated had a under 10. As there was a nice 50/50 time split with the dad, I was okay, as it gave us every other weekend to come and go as we pleased. If the relationship had moved to the next stage I was quite prepared to interact with the boy when he was with mom, and adjust our activities on those weekends, as I love children.
...That reminds me of a very embarrasing situation I wnt through when my son was around 10. I met a real nice guy and he thought it would be nice to interact with my son, so he invited him on a day trip to the mountains with us.
Unfortunately he, ( my son) acted like a little jerk all day regardless of my friend's best efforts to try to get to know him. It was one thing after another, he was being disruptive, disobediant just going out of his way to sabatoge the day. Finally we decided to pack it in for the day and head back. My son, had wandered off for a bit so for the first time all day we had some quiet time together. The lake looked so serene and peaceful, he put his arm across my shoulder and we sat... just taking it all when my son plops himself down beside us and says, " I miss Daddy, don't you Mom?"....time to go home. haha
Thank goodness those years are behind me, now my son just wants me to be happy.
...maeflowers | |
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