| | Being seperated but no divorce in sightPage 3 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | I hear people say the money thing all the time and I just don't get it...
if you wanted to be out of the marriage bad enough to go through a separation why on earth wouldn't you want to do it officially/legally? a few hundred dollars would seem worth it to me, then again I've never been married.
I just don't date separated people, personal choice and preference like *any* other.... | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/29/2009 7:18:05 PM | My self I believe in some cases it is the fact of losing half of what they have,
I am not saying some maybe deserve it but there are some who havn't put anything in to the marriage and the women are gold diggers and think they should walk away with half of everything,
I have seen it happen more than once , rather it be his second go, or her 2/3/4/ time to use a poor man..
But then there are some on here who never intend on getting a divorce, they want their cake and eat it to..
Single or separated often means the same thing,
I was separated several years before filing for a divorce, only because I had custody of the kids and I was too busy raising them to think of a divorce or another man so it doesn't always mean they are still living together or ever plan on going back.
I still wont date separated or prefer not to say.. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/29/2009 7:51:06 PM |
if you wanted to be out of the marriage bad enough to go through a separation why on earth wouldn't you want to do it officially/legally? a few hundred dollars would seem worth it to me
I used up almost all of my RRSP's fighting for custody. The lawyers wouldn't throw the divorce decree in when we finalized our separation agreement at pre-trial. If they would have taken care of it right then and there, it would be done. But since we had a high conflict separation, I'm guessing they figured they had us on the hook for at least another 10 $200 WITHOUT PREJUDICE letters each not realizing we both had intentions of firing their asses as soon as we walked out of the courthouse.
I would have paid the extra $300 - $400 at the time when I still had a little left over from my RRSP withdrawals, but that money ended up going to pay off some of the debt I got to keep in the settlement. And now I just don't care anymore. The lack of a divorce decree is not something that's having a negative impact on my life. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/29/2009 8:05:29 PM | Hi folks , so after reading a bunch but not all replys in here I have come to a coupple conclusions . So some people stay married but live apart and consider themselves seperated but do not go any further for the medical reason to keep the coverage . I would think that wouldbe illegal as well and if not it should be as you both have different addreses.
In regards to the so called money aspect of not having enough a person must remember that it takes 2 people to make a marriege and 2 to break the marriege . In the end it has both signatures on the divorce paper to make it legal. If one person doesnt sign then it is a contested divorce and it might cost a little more but then you know you are done with the other person and they will also get the hint that it is over.
From personal experience the ol seperated has backfired and the person has gone back to the marriege as they realized it was not greener on the other side . The divorce paper is like they say the final nail in the coffin and the past events are over and time to move on . If you do find that person to spend the rest of your life with it would be alot easier if the paper work was allready done and finalized to that him/her doesnt have it hanging over there head as well. Like alot less skelotons in the closet.
I do not know what the legal stuff in the U.S.A. is but it cant be all that different than in Canada . I also wonder why a person thinks they deserve more than the 50-50 split in a divorce as well ? | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/29/2009 8:14:04 PM | | I see a point in everyone's opinion . The separated have to be in a state of suspended animation or select separated [there aren't many and they want single]. I think everyone knows it's over,there's that point of no return when you feel hate and hurt. The poster with the crazy husband your branded now ,no one wants to stare down the barrel of a firearm ,which was pointed out previously. It's obvious to me all the ladies want a clear and free man as it seems like they want to be married once they see you in the flesh and approve.I'm not a goal setter ,I just give 101% and find that i have far exceeded the need. So I believe if the vicious spatting cycle cannot be broken' and you have been abandoned it would be nice to go somewhere do something with someone[I prefer women] that might make you smile again.And yes I also see the point that the ladies do not wan't to invest their time and emotions in the unkown possibilitys of the previous relationship. However that can even happen after a divorce. So you really never know,your just cutting percentages down and that's ok. For the rest of us its a phase of life that many has traveled before us, It's just our turn to be in solitude or maybe chase that dream we gave up to be available for marriage and a family. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:03:38 PM | So some people stay married but live apart and consider themselves seperated but do not go any further for the medical reason to keep the coverage . I would think that wouldbe illegal as well and if not it should be as you both have different addreses. -iwonder06
Not for most employers' insurance, they see it the same as the people who do not wish to date separated people. "It ain't over until it's over."
If one person doesnt sign then it is a contested divorce and it might cost a little more - iwonder06
Not true in Canada. You can file jointly or as a sole application. The only difference in cost, is you have to serve the other party. And contrary to
popular belief, it doesn't have to be a sherrif, or a proffessional server of any kind. It just can't be YOU. The person whos erves him/her, goes to
the courthouse, signs an affadavit (the court clerks notarize it, with no extra charge). | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 4:33:40 AM | Ok, to SOME degree I can understand why people might not file right away, however at some point and time there has to be a couple hundred bucks to file the paperwork. To say that it is only a piece of paper, well that piece of paper was oh so important when you did get married to that person, otherwise you would have just lived with them but you wanted it legally binding and quite a few spent probably a lot of money on that nice wedding, which part of that deal is to have that piece of paper.
Then when it comes to divorce and closing that chapter in life all the sudden the shoulders get shrugged and it turns into 'just a piece of paper' and I feel single, for all intends I am single. Well actually no you're not, you are legally married because..that piece of paper has not been filed.
I just don't get it but then I like closure and finishing my chapters in life before I open new ones. And yes maybe at some point I would like to get married again (never say never) and I sure would hate to have to try and find the seperated, long gone spouse.
To add to this, the person not finalizing their divorce would also make me wonder... what else is hanging out there that hasn't been taken care of, i.e. warrants, tickets...tax issues. I mean they didn't feel to take care of that personal issue, would they also be that blase about other things???? | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 5:10:24 AM | anudderbday48.. some good pointers there.
So true, That piece of paper was so important when getting married but now that the marriage is over it's just a piece of paper.
As for moving anyone into my home when I have children there, to me that is all wrong,
How many little broken hearts come with it,? Not to say the confusion it causes them..
Some times the poor kids don't know who to call daddy .
To me everyone is different and makes their own choices so who is it for me to tell anyone what to do,
Many of us have different believes... | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 5:23:20 AM | I have a good friend who has been separated for 4 years and no imminent plans for divorce for economic reasons.
Many people tell him that he needs to quit messing around and get it done. I tell him that no one is in a position to give him that advice because only he knows what he can do and what he wants to do. I can't imagine living a life in perpetual limbo is any path to happiness, but again only he knows. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 5:26:13 AM | Absolutely we all have a right to different believes as it should be. I have to say though it is nice to have this long of a thread of opinions without any personal attacks on any one of the posters.
I just mentioned why get married if its just a piece of paper to make a point, because if it is just that, then why bother marrying in the first place.
Itech... 4years is nothing, I work with a lady that is dating a guy that's been seperated for over 30 years. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 5:55:55 AM |
Ok, to SOME degree I can understand why people might not file right away, however at some point and time there has to be a couple hundred bucks to file the paperwork.
Yeah... there will be. In probably 15 or so years from now. In the meantime, I have bills and debts that I can't catch up on, so any extra money I have is going to those things first.
To say that it is only a piece of paper, well that piece of paper was oh so important when you did get married to that person, otherwise you would have just lived with them but you wanted it legally binding and quite a few spent probably a lot of money on that nice wedding, which part of that deal is to have that piece of paper.
We got the piece of paper free from the DJ. As for the wedding... her parents paid for almost everything. The only thing I paid for was $150 for tux rentals. Back then I wasn't paying child support, I was living in a two income household where we weren't paying rent or a mortgage... I had more disposable income to work with. My cost of living is much higher now.
As for the importance of the piece of paper... yes, back then I thought it was important. But thanks to my personal experiences, I have now learned that it's the people, not the piece of paper, that determine commitment. I completely understand if this doesn't sit well with people, and I am personally fine with that. I was in a hurry to prove to my ex that I was committed to her, and that's another lesson I learned. The divorce decree means something to you, not me. I don't buy things just to impress other people. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 7:06:46 AM | Personally, it's not much of an issue, nor was it for the women who dated me and entered into a long term relationship with me.
My divorce took 8 years. My ex was bipolar, and always in one crisis or another, plus she was very unrealistic and wanted more than was fair. Since she was willing to pay her lawyer almost anything whereas I could not afford to do so, I didn't press the issue or I'd probably have been destitute. So, in my case the smart thing to do was wait her out until she wanted to get it done. I'd have concluded it in those first months, and had offered her far more back then than she eventually got.
My patience was finally rewarded, and it made no difference to the wonderful relationship I was in during those 8 years. I also don't see the need for marriage, don't attach any moral issues to truly separated people stuck in similar situations, and had no need to force the issue sooner. If there had been a really good reason to push it, I'd have done so and probably paid a heavy price at least in legal fees if not in assets and support orders. It wasn't worth it - waiting was. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 7:28:08 AM | ForRumOnly
Thank you for your post. 8 years is a long time but still it gives me hope. It sounds a lot like my situation. I hope to get it done this year but I am hopeful that at some point he will be mentally ready and accept it and not fight it tooth and nail (with his mom's money of course).
I also don't see the need for marriage again. If I do it, I would prefer it be non-legal. That way no "law" can make me stay with someone. Sometimes ya gotta get burned to learn.
K | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 10:05:31 AM | Someone could be separated because of serious illness. There are many other reasons but being divorced is not a guarantee that the ex is a forgotten issue. I have a friend who was divorced for 5 years, then dropped his gf and remarried his ex. The 2nd marriage to each other is now on the rocks. So, I can say, each circumstance should be considered in its own merit.
And please, sep-a-rate. Is there really such a word as sep-Erate? Google it and it will ask you if you mean sep-A-rate.  | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 10:06:29 AM | Someone could be separated because of serious illness. There are many other reasons but being divorced is not a guarantee that the ex is a forgotten issue. I have a friend who was divorced for 5 years, then dropped his gf and remarried his ex. The 2nd marriage to each other is now on the rocks. So, I can say, each circumstance should be considered in its own merit.
And please, sep-a-rate. Is there really such a word as sep-Erate? Google it and it will ask you if you mean sep-A-rate. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 10:10:56 AM | I am so sorry enchanted, guess I need to change my profile now to state that my english as second language is not nearly as good as I assumed.
To think we made it 65 posts with people understanding what I ment...
Thank goodness for spell checkers on the forum  | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 10:36:35 AM |
To say that it is only a piece of paper, well that piece of paper was oh so important when you did get married to that person, otherwise you would have just lived with them but you wanted it legally binding and quite a few spent probably a lot of money on that nice wedding, which part of that deal is to have that piece of paper.
Actually I got married because I was 19 and that was the expectation of the family at that time if was in love. Today as a full grown adult, I don't find it to be an issue. I don't see the point of a legal marraige myself except for the things like insurance and automatic death benefits. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 10:40:35 AM | I was separated about three years b4 I was actually divorced. In my state you have to be apart for one year b4 a divorce can take place. In this case, my ex would not cooperate until HE met someone else and wanted to move on....and then we had to wait for a court date, and that took MONTHS!
After a while I just didn't care anymore. I had moved on with my life and had a new man who didn't care that I wasn't divorced yet.
My sister went through the same...ex wouldn't give up on the relationship, and they had a child which added additional time with the back and forth of custody issues. They were separated about 4 years b4 they were finally divorced. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 10:59:32 AM | OP,
That is because those who post 'legally seperated' can have their cake and eat it too.
If you are seperated, you are legally married. One would have to question why they are on a dating site? I would not consider a woman who is seperated. That is asking for trouble.
I wish these folks would take care of their matters and clear the air within themselves before littering the dating sites. The grass isn't always greener. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 11:05:43 AM | If things didn't work out for my husband and I there would be no divorce. I never intend to remarry and neither does he. Divorce is sometimes a lot more complicated than it sounds, trust me I know. Some people do it themselves and then find later that there are unresolved matters. Then again sometimes people have clean breaks. I've seen people seperated for 30+ years and never divorce. This only causes a problem when one of the people dies.
I don't see what the rush would be unless you're wanting him to marry you and he obviously is in no hurry to do that. That would be a conflict between you and your partner and him getting a divorce would probably not change that fact. | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 11:19:36 AM |
I hope to get it done this year but I am hopeful that at some point he will be mentally ready and accept it and not fight it tooth and nail (with his mom's money of course).
Wow. I admire your honesty and empathize for your situation ~ BUT ~ there are ways to get a divorce finalized regardless of who has the bank-roll. In EVERY state in the United States there are FREE moderators and grant monies to assist those in your very situation (for that matter, you can represent yourself for free and it is looked upon quite favorably in the Courts.) Good luck to ya.
~OT~ Separated is NOT single and it's not divorced. For me? That means it's NOT an option. JMO  | |
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| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 11:45:08 AM | Seperated for three years and tried the free court assistance. Was turned down. Not broke but still do not make that much with cost of raising child (little support of dad for daily upbringing, dental, medical, clothes, optical, etc etc..) But he will go buy him a four wheeler or snowmoble? For the 2 days a month he stays with him
Sorry went off course with my own issues. Procrastination with no desire to go back to relationship. Also, things are fine the way they are and you have complete control over where son/daughter are with out courts involved. Bad for support but good in other ways. Think I might be rambling just my own thoughts.
There are probably a million resons for this but everyone has their own individual one to express. Just like my exs views would be different than mine. | |
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medana
| | Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 74 | |
| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 11:58:36 AM | it's called being lazy. am a procrastinator at times. i hate it, but it's been yrs for me n still not final, finally sent him the paperwork last mo... lol
just didn't any anyone else to marry/date long term, so i didn't have motivation. it didn't bother me.
and isnt it better for taxes??
lol | |
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medana
| | Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 75 | |
| Being seperated but no divorce in sight
Posted: 3/30/2009 11:59:35 AM | it's called being lazy. am a procrastinator at times. i hate it, but it's been yrs for me n still not final, finally sent him the paperwork last mo... lol
just didn't any anyone else to marry/date long term, so i didn't have motivation. it didn't bother me.
and isnt it better for taxes??
lol | |
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