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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/1/2009 11:29:59 PM | | unemployment in OREGON 12.2 percent. add in the under employed and those whos benifits are drained and you got 26 percent. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/1/2009 11:32:39 PM | | The best I can say is see a need fill a need, thats we'll do. Not having a vehicle is a major setback, but we'll make it work somehow. the tools are owned 50/50 I've got the marketing knowhow and the comp. he's got the landscape experience. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 12:41:33 AM | Thankfully, not all women are as measured as some of the women on this thread. Sure, I can understand feeling hurt about past relationships that didn't work out the way you had hoped. That is called baggage and we all have some of it. Maybe some women here have had unpleasant circumstances dating men that were unemployed, but for the most part it sounds like a business arrangement.
For myself, I prefer a woman that is more balanced and understanding of the circumstances a potential partner may find her or herself in. It's called empathy and unfortunately it seems to be running a bit thin from what I'm reading.
If a man or woman can't handle the fact that their partners business is slow or are unemployed, then I'd say it is the perfect filter. Who needs that type of judgemental partner anyway? In other words, who made them the supreme being judge? It's just my opinion, but I'd say they could be missing out on some really great people just because they can't see past their partners wallet...
Many have said they would put their life on hold until they find a job, but many of us can afford to get together for a discount movie, a DVD, casual dinner, coffee, romantic walk, etc... but we should put our lives on hold? Yeah, I suppose so if the partner is only looking to be pampered, but my guess is that there are many people out there that are less judgemental that realize that judgements simply on whether someone is unemployed is a bit shallow and short term thinking.
Personally, I would rather have a woman in my life that enjoys my company whether I can afford a full scale restaurant or casual dining. It's not like there aren't a plethora of other people out there to date. But, I will say this, I have grown increasingly fond of women that are open and honest about their feelings on financial matters. Mostly because if I sense they are more interesting in my finances than what I'm about as a partner, then I gratefully thank them for their candor and move on to the next... | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:12:31 AM | "For myself, I prefer a woman that is more balanced and understanding"
Hate to break it to you, but just because a woman has priorities and being able to keep a roof over her head and expecting the same to be said of a man she is dating does not make her unbalanced nor callous. It's a standard she has and why should she lower the bar? Just get a job and stop sulking about it. I don't care what job, but seriously, find one or 4. Flip burgers, stock shelves, pick up trash.
Some of ya'll are making it sound like just because we want our potential partner to have a means of supporting himself we're just cold hearted biyatches.
It's a standard. Just like some of ya'll want people who are attractive, in good shape, intelligent, etc.
"Personally, I would rather have a woman in my life that enjoys my company"
And we will enjoy your company but I also want you to be self sufficient. Has nothing to do with baggage or being burned because I have not. It's just common sense to me. If you guys had a job, you wouldn't be whining about this. But you don't, so you now you want woman to take pity on ya'll and date you anyways.
Some guys complain about gold diggers, now you want to complain about women who wants you to be financially stable not to support her but just so that you can support yourself. Are you kidding me?
"Mostly because if I sense they are more interesting in my finances than what I'm about as a partner"
This is laughable because most of the women on here that responded seemed to be capable of taking care of themselves and just expect the same in return. We dont want what's in your wallet. I don't care about your finances because I want you to take care of my every need and whim. But be realistic. You need a J-O-B. Trying to make a woman feel bad about wanting a self suficient, employed boyfriend is in itself selfish.
I used to work for Compaq, remember that company? So being laid-off is not pretty. But I'm not going to whine about it. Just like I'm not going to try to convince a guy who is really attracted to petite women to like me. It's his call. Doesn't make him vain or shallow. It's a preference. So move on to that woman who doesn't care if you have a job or not. But being critical of those who want their partners to be equal<--isn't that what you guys preach about on other topics?, is silly.
But just like finishing school and not abandoning it for a romantic interest should be a priority. So is having a job. And I am clueless how either of those two can be looked down upon.
"many people out there that are less judgemental that realize that judgements simply on whether someone is unemployed is a bit shallow and short term thinking. "
Hey pot...it's me kettle. You think we're judgemental for just wanting you to have a job but you're passing judgement on us for not giving in on what we want for our future partner.
Ive only said I want anyone I start dating to self sufficient. I have yet to call you a lazy bum for not having a job. That would be judgemental since I dont know why you don't have one. But you're fine dolling out the criticism of us for wanting you to be able to provide for yourself by being employed.
I never though wanting someone to have a job and encouraging them to find one before he starts any kind of serious relationship would ever be frowned upon.
The other factor is the state of mind you wil be in when you're worrying about finding another job and what's going to happen. I don't see that as being conducive to dating someone new. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 3:06:44 AM | (Responding to the prior message from atlantis80)
Hi atlantis80,
I just wanted to respond to some of the things you said in your recent post above.
"Hate to break it to you, but just because a woman has priorities and being able to keep a roof over her head and expecting the same to be said of a man she is dating does not make her unbalanced nor callous. It's a standard she has and why should she lower the bar? Just get a job and stop sulking about it. I don't care what job, but seriously, find one or 4. Flip burgers, stock shelves, pick up trash."
Well, since you did break it to me, this is not a discussion about making enough to keep a roof over anyones head, unless that is what this all translates to most women. Is that what women are thinking when a man is unemployed? It seems worth exploring.
And, I guess a person can lower or raise the bar as they please, however we are only talking about dating. We're not discussing living together or getting married, although that may be the goal of many eventually.
By the way, I'm not sure why you thought I was sulking about anything? Although I have probably done something similar to all the jobs you mentioned, I'm not unemployed. I'm actually in business for myself and things are very slow due to the economy and a changing industry.
"Some of ya'll are making it sound like just because we want our potential partner to have a means of supporting himself we're just cold hearted biyatches."
I never said anything about cold hearted b.....es?
"And we will enjoy your company but I also want you to be self sufficient. Has nothing to do with baggage or being burned because I have not. It's just common sense to me. If you guys had a job, you wouldn't be whining about this. But you don't, so you now you want woman to take pity on ya'll and date you anyways."
It is just my opinion, but your interest sounds conditional on whether someone is self sufficient. Again, we're talking about being unemployed, not without self-sufficiency. After all many people receive unemployment income, right? I don't think many here are looking for pity, however it may shed some light on what you think of someone that is unemployed.
"Some guys complain about gold diggers, now you want to complain about women who wants you to be financially stable not to support her but just so that you can support yourself. Are you kidding me? "
As far as women go, I think gold diggers are in the great minority. I would classify a relatively small percentage as gold diggers, but I'm only one guy. I'm not sure what others have said on the forum that you have read. But, I wouldn't classify myself as financially unstable, but I would agree that business is slow and it leaves less money or dating entertainment.
"This is laughable because most of the women on here that responded seemed to be capable of taking care of themselves and just expect the same in return. We dont want what's in your wallet. I don't care about your finances because I want you to take care of my every need and whim. But be realistic. You need a J-O-B. Trying to make a woman feel bad about wanting a self suficient, employed boyfriend is in itself selfish."
Again, we are talking about dating. And, if someone is somewhat short sighted I can see how someone might be able to translate being unemployed into not being able to take care of themselves, but I think in most cases people bounce back eventually. I don't think anyone is trying to make any women feel bad about wanting a self sufficient and employed boyfriend. It's just my opinion. I think the majority of people can still date while unemployed, even if it is done in a frugal manner. The challenge is finding a woman that is understanding and flexible with what a man can afford. And, again it is not about being self-sufficient. Unemployment is usually temporary and it's just dating.
"I used to work for Compaq, remember that company? So being laid-off is not pretty. But I'm not going to whine about it. Just like I'm not going to try to convince a guy who is really attracted to petite women to like me. It's his call. Doesn't make him vain or shallow. It's a preference. So move on to that woman who doesn't care if you have a job or not. But being critical of those who want their partners to be equal<--isn't that what you guys preach about on other topics?, is silly."
Yes, as I remember Compaq was purchased by HP and they make a good computer. I'm not sure what other guys preach about as far as being equal, but I don't remember doing so myself. And, I agree with your advice. I actually do move on when we don't share compatability in this area.
"But just like finishing school and not abandoning it for a romantic interest should be a priority. So is having a job. And I am clueless how either of those two can be looked down upon."
You are correct in saying that a college education should be a priority, but most can manage a relationship during traditional undergraduate college. I'm not sure that either thing is being looked down upon. It's just that people can be still worthwhile to get to know even when they do not have a job. And, they will likely have the time to do so after a day of looking for work, right?
"Hey pot...it's me kettle. You think we're judgemental for just wanting you to have a job but you're passing judgement on us for not giving in on what we want for our future partner."
I'm not sure about the pot and the kettle, however I do agree with you that a person should be free to select their partner any way they feel fit. But, I'm still not convinced that someone being unemployed makes them unfit to be someones future partner, unless one feels that unemployment is not temporary. Most unemployed people will be working sometime in the near future. Call me optimistic, but that is my opinion.
"Ive only said I want anyone I start dating to self sufficient. I have yet to call you a lazy bum for not having a job. That would be judgemental since I dont know why you don't have one. But you're fine dolling out the criticism of us for wanting you to be able to provide for yourself by being employed. "
And, I'm sure plenty of the unemployed men out there are and will be self-sufficient, even if unemployed today. I appreciate your not calling me a lazy bum, since that would not be fitting. I don't think I was dolling out criticism based upon a womans expectations of a mans ability to provide for himself. or visa versa if the genders were reversed. Although there are some people that are unemployed that may not be able to provide for themselves financially, I would expect most will come out okay. It is interesting if this translation is what other females see, as I'm not sure men see being unemployed as not being able to support themselves. There's a new forum thread topic! Honestly and seriously, I find this interesting.
"I never though wanting someone to have a job and encouraging them to find one before he starts any kind of serious relationship would ever be frowned upon."
Wanting someone to have a job and encouraging them to find one before they start a relationship is not necessarily frowned upon. Infact, the encouragement would probably be welcomed by many dealing with unemployment right now. However, I think there is a difference between encouraging them and expecting them to find a job before they start a relationship with you.
"The other factor is the state of mind you wil be in when you're worrying about finding another job and what's going to happen. I don't see that as being conducive to dating someone new. "
If you are referring to someone feelings uncertain, fearful and possibly a drop in self-esteem due to being unemployed then I agree with you that ones mindset could be a factor. However, some may be able to handle things okay. Especially if their needs are being met by unemployment compensation and if they have saved for a rainy day.
Thank you for your contribution and for taking the time to respond to my posting.
Take care and God bless! | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 6:06:15 AM |
Some of ya'll are making it sound like just because we want our potential partner to have a means of supporting himself we're just cold hearted biyatches.
A man is not responsible for your bills even if he is living with you or married to you, your bills are your bills and yours alone. the only thing you should be especting from him is love and respect and of course sex.
So what's it too you he isn't working at the time, it doesn't mean he can't bring other things to the table and it most certainly doesn't mean he isn't a viable partner. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 7:53:58 AM | Again the problem isn't about money - the problem isn't about paying bills or even self sufficiency with me. The problem is that a man would want to date in that situation. Unless he's got a trust fund or doesn't have to work for some reason, he SHOULD be too worried about not working to comfortably date. He should be not in a right mindset to date.
Why? Because when I'm not working, I can't concentrate on dating - because making sure I can take care of myself is way more important than finding dates. Therefore I'd expect the same from someone else. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 10:57:47 AM |
Again the problem isn't about money - the problem isn't about paying bills or even self sufficiency with me. The problem is that a man would want to date in that situation.
That's Right - No Matter - You are Still a Bum - Yes, that means if you ever have been LaidOff or Fired from a previous job - YOU ARE UNWORTHY - You Ain't No Real Man.... | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 11:58:16 AM | | Not having a job doesn't mean you have to live like a monk in a monastery either. A combination of both dating and looking for a job is the best compromise. No one looks for a job 24/7. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 12:22:24 PM |
A man is not responsible for your bills even if he is living with you or married to you, your bills are your bills and yours alone. the only thing you should be especting from him is love and respect and of course sex.
So, if one in the couple looses his/her job and can't pay their own bills and contribute to the common expenses what's your solution? Break up?
So what's it too you he isn't working at the time, it doesn't mean he can't bring other things to the table and it most certainly doesn't mean he isn't a viable partner.
What "other things" do you have in mind? | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:16:59 PM |
So, if one in the couple looses his/her job and can't pay their own bills
My SO's financial problems are my SO's responsibility to fix not mine unless i choose to help.
contribute to the common expenses
There are no common expenses there are only my SO's expenses and mine, I should only help out if I want to otherwise my SO's bills are not my responsibility ever in any circumstance whether living together or married.
Example: if I move into a house that my SO is paying bills for like a mortgage, electricity, water, cell phone or for her kids that were born from another dad, those are my SO's bills not mine and I am not responsible for them unless I choose to help out.
What "other things" do you have in mind?
answered in the other post | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:47:05 PM | | It wouldn't bother me at all if he was trying to find work. I go out with people because I like them or think I might like them. No other reason. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 2:19:45 PM |
Example: if I move into a house that my SO is paying bills for like a mortgage, electricity, water, cell phone or for her kids that were born from another dad, those are my SO's bills not mine and I am not responsible for them unless I choose to help out.
What if you and your SO bought a house together? Would than mortgage, untilities and food be your common expenses? And if she can't pay her share what would you do?
answered in the other post
I guess I missed that. What was the post number? | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 3:43:03 PM |
A man is not responsible for your bills even if he is living with you or married to you, your bills are your bills and yours alone.
Nobody has stated otherwise. However...many people have agreed that a man IS responsible for HIS OWN bills. I pay my bills, I expect a man to pay his as well, at least if I am in a relationship with him.
Once living together or married, things change a bit obviously, the unexpected can occur and compromises can be made, but while dating? Why would I pay someone else's bills for them? I certainly don't expect them to do so for me.
I would think finding employment would be the top priority for the OP, though, not worrying so much right now about dating. JMO. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 3:46:32 PM | Being unemployed would hit my self esteem greatly.
And I feel bad if my partner has to support me.
Im only going to share my happiness but Im not going to share my sadness.
Thats just me. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:52:13 PM |
Nobody has stated otherwise. However...many people have agreed that a man IS responsible for HIS OWN bills. I pay my bills, I expect a man to pay his as well, at least if I am in a relationship with him.
That I would agree with but some of you are making it seem like an unemployed person cannot pay his bills and has no money so there for is not date able and not a viable partner and that is just wrong and shallow and it could be further from the truth.
There are other things to bring to the table other then money folks and there are certainly cheap things you can do for a date such as eat in.
The kind of people that won't date an unemployed person are also the same kind of people that wont be there when your SO gets into a bad accident and can't work forever.
Its definitely a true test in character whether your date will stick around when things go belly up because sometimes things will go belly up permanently. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 5:07:54 PM | That's Right - No Matter - You are Still a Bum - Yes, that means if you ever have been LaidOff or Fired from a previous job - YOU ARE UNWORTHY - You Ain't No Real Man....
That's YOUR take on it - though it's not what I said. If you feel that way, I guess there's not much anyone else can say to ya.
P.S. It's not about gender. That goes for women who aren't working either, including myself if I don't have work. Anyone who isn't and isn't worried enough not to be themselves until things improve to me isn't prioritizing right.
Not having a job doesn't mean you have to live like a monk in a monastery either. A combination of both dating and looking for a job is the best compromise. No one looks for a job 24/7.
True, looking 24/7 is redundant - but looking at least 2-3/5 is a good plan. And sure dating is fine if it happens naturally. It's more not good when you're out actively trying to hunt it down. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 5:08:01 PM |
The kind of people that won't date an unemployed person are also the same kind of people that wont be there when your SO gets into a bad accident and can't work forever.
Umm...no offence but, doesn't that seem rather contradictory to your previous statement, that a man shouldn't have to help pay a woman's bills even if they were married or living together? You are judging them as being 'shallow' for not wanting to START dating a complete stranger who is unemployed, but really, that is their choice and they don't know the person from Adam at that point. But you add they should also pitch in if/when their SO gets into a bad accident and can't work forever (which I would think would just be a normal part of an actual relationship/marriage) and then you contradict yourself again, by saying *you* would never pay a woman's bills for her, even while married? In essence, you just stated you would never return the favour, for what you seemingly expect a partner to do for you?
Just asking for clarification.  | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 5:22:33 PM | The kind of people that won't date an unemployed person are also the same kind of people that wont be there when your SO gets into a bad accident and can't work forever.
I disagree with that. When people start dating it's OK to have different preferences regarding income, social status and appearance of a potential mate. However, when already a couple and have history together, and one of them wouldn’t help the other in case of financial crisis, that person wouldn’t be there in case of a bad accident. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 6:56:41 PM | A lot of people are in between jobs right now, even women. Just tell her what you have planned for the future. Besides she might like it that you have more free time to spend with her!
Also, it helps if you have family money to fall back on! | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 7:16:49 PM | I have a friend who has been unemployed for 2 years.
Seriously in this economy you are worth half or less than half of what you were making before, in my friends case his savings are almost gone, his retirement savings are zilch and he still refuses to take any kind of job.
You can date while unemployed, but realisticly if you are too stubborn to get a job any job over minimum wage then it's doubtful anyone is going to take you seriously.
Women don't care about how much you are making they care about wether you are responsible, if you are too stubborn to change careers or be flexible in your salary requirements then how are you going to pay the rent being unemployed?
At least with a job in the low 20's you can at least have a roof over your head and a hot meal until things get better. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/2/2009 7:30:29 PM | Sorry for confusing you sweetness-one
My opinion behind all this is this which relates to that statement is this:
You shouldn't be judging a person by how much they make or whether they have a job before you even meet the person. There could be a valid reason as too why they are unemployed and there are other things a person can bring to a relationship like love and caring for you and the children you may have together which is why I said that a man is not responsible for your bills because those are your bills not his and you shouldn't be expecting your man to pay for things, he can voluntarily pay for things but beyond that is where its wrong.
Then I said "The kind of people that won't date an unemployed person are also the same kind of people that wont be there when your SO gets into a bad accident and can't work forever."...what if the what if the person is unemployed because of a bad accident an is only on disability so he puts unemployed on his profile does that make him undateable? I think not but a lot you that wont date an unemployed person, I can guarantee are the same people that will ditch the relationship when things get really tough.
Well thats my exact opinion on this. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/3/2009 12:11:11 AM | Hi everybody.
Wow! I had NO idea this thread had grown like this until recently (and I still haven't been able to read all the input) Thank you to those of you who contacted me directly to offer support; it helped. I've been remiss in responding to those who seemed open to further communication, and for that I apologize.
I did find a new job right before 7/4. It's going well so far, if a bit stressful (details...eh, irrelevant in this discussion.)
Unfortunately, getting that area of my life back on track did not engender a marked improvement in my personal, relationship Life. Shortly after I created this thread, I met a woman (online) who didn't treat me very well (details...not so much right now). Shortly after that ended, I met another woman who....eventually did pretty much the same thing.
Why is it so hard for people NOT to say things that they know are not true?
DjB | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/3/2009 12:47:30 AM | WomanInProgress:
You say it so much better than me. But I already feel like I'm beating a dead horse because some are just going to twist words because although they asked for opinions they obviously only wanted ones that agreed with their own.
But what you said pretty much sums up what I feel as well..
"And sure dating is fine if it happens naturally. It's more not good when you're out actively trying to hunt it down. "
If I was already with someone who lost his job, different story. But what I got from the OP was this thread was originally about men from this site being unemployed and dating women. Which would mean they are actively looking for dates not just happening upon a random girl. And in which case, I don't think that's right. JMO.
I would want to have a stable job, whatever it is, and be in a good place, financially and mentally, before I start seeking someone. Otherwise there's a lot of pressure associated with how and when you're going to be able to pay your bills and this can make someone irritable, anxious, emotional, etc. I'd rather they devote their time and energy to finding another job. It just sets the stage for a healthier relationship if the two are balanced. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 10/3/2009 4:09:31 PM |
Unfortunately, getting that area of my life back on track did not engender a marked improvement in my personal, relationship Life. Shortly after I created this thread, I met a woman (online) who didn't treat me very well (details...not so much right now). Shortly after that ended, I met another woman who....eventually did pretty much the same thing.
Why is it so hard for people NOT to say things that they know are not true?
Besides, dating is also a good way to network. Date people you aren't attracted to, yet they might have a rich uncle who has the perfect job for you! You can just maintain friendships with women, ex-girlfriends, etc.
It sucks that a lot of women want to "opt-out of a job" and raise kids, so they expect a Man to make a ton of money. but that is how life has been forever, so choose your woman wisely and make sure she can stay by you through the difficult times.
Besides, if you are unemployed, are you really expecting a LTR. Just meet new "friends with benefits" and tell them when you get a job, you'll be thinking about marriage and buying a house! | |
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