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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:04:13 AM | What happened is that you have believed her words of ardent love without backing it up with any actions whatsoever. I am always suspicious of "you are so much better than my ex" type of claims. ESPECIALLY AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Hello, can you hear the alarm bells ring? Ding dong, ding dong. It indicates poor judgement, confusion, thin boundaries and fire/ice temperament. It sounds like a 17 year old. It stinks of a promise of a drama. And you WILL be next. Her next boyfriend will hear all about how he is better than you (after one week of knowing him. BS to that. You lost a drama queen. Mature person takes time before they bond strongly with someone, empty words don't cut it. It takes a long time to get to know someone well so when they prematurely tell you this sort of stuff, you can be sure they are not talking about you, but about what their fantasy about you is.
You need healing. You are making this all about her, but the healing is needed in you. This takes time and effort but it's well worth undertaking. You feel she cares for you but can't handle love? Please listen to this and try to detach from it and imagine your friend would be thinking like this. Wouldn't you want to shake them and wake them up and say hello - why do you think you deserve to be treated like crap? Love is not supposed to hurt contrary to the popular belief. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:31:33 AM |
(Msg 47) The man says he's in love. I'm inclined to take him at his word. That'll fade, but 'til it does, he's not available to someone else.
His being in love and/or mourning a failed relationship will not blind him to the attributes of another person.
A couple of things I take into consideration. First, most relationships are supposed to start off slow. The new gal he meets today is not going to fall in love with him tomorrow. She'll be able to gauge his commitment.
Second, his past relationship was for 10 months, off and on. We're not looking at a long term marriage. He doesn't have a book full of memories tying him down.
It'd also serve as a distraction which would slow down his healing process.
This is where I most strenuously disagree. Being alone does not help one heal. All it does is produce scar tissue.
Because a person is alone, running events over and over in their mind, sitting at home on a Saturday night, they become bitter. I frequently read the results in the threads.
"I'll never devote my life to anyone again." "I'll always have plenty of outside activities so if the relationship ends it's only a part of my life." "I'll never depend/count on anyone again."
Those folks end up entering relationships half way because they endured their pain for unnecessary lenghts of time. They can't let themselves go. That's the baggage. They've been scarred.
An analogy may be someone being bitten by a dog. One scenario would be they are taken to hospital, given pain medication and the bite dressed. The wound heals quickly. The other is going home and dealing with the pain and resulting infection. The consequences drag on so when they're finally healed the incident is burnt into their memory.
Usually a failed relationship disrupts a person's life besides losing one they love. That's why people frequently join a gym or take up a hobby/interest as they need to fill their time. When a potential partner shows up they can't devote themselves to the relationship because they fear what happened in the past. The transition from a relationship life to one of gyms and hobbies was not easy. They fear letting go of their present life because they don't want to go through that adjustment again if a relationship doesn't work out.
That's why I always jumped right back in. I didn't want to become comfortable or accepting to a single life. I didn't want to deceive myself into believing that a single life would be fine. I didn't want to prove to the world I could function fine without a partner.
As much as people protest about not needing someone and raving about the single life many are still here, looking, because something is missing.
We can all live on our own but deliberately avoiding meeting someone, unnecessarily prolonging the single life just to prove we can, is, IMO, destructive. It's like not having a broken bone set properly. It will heal but it will never be right. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:42:37 AM | dave1234,
bitterness is not born from letting yourself being alone. It's born from one's attitude. I do not advokate being a hermit, but I would not advise anyone to get a rebound relationship. I too think any rebound thing will end up hurting someone. But if you feel like you have to, well do it. Time will show everything won't it. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/7/2009 9:37:40 AM | His being in love and/or mourning a failed relationship will not blind him to the attributes of another person.
This should win "quote of the day". ^^^
Being alone does not help one heal. All it does is produce scar tissue.
Because a person is alone, running events over and over in their mind, sitting at home on a Saturday night, they become bitter. I frequently read the results in the threads.
"I'll never devote my life to anyone again." "I'll always have plenty of outside activities so if the relationship ends it's only a part of my life." "I'll never depend/count on anyone again."
Those folks end up entering relationships half way because they endured their pain for unnecessary lenghts of time. They can't let themselves go. That's the baggage. They've been scarred.
An analogy may be someone being bitten by a dog. One scenario would be they are taken to hospital, given pain medication and the bite dressed. The wound heals quickly. The other is going home and dealing with the pain and resulting infection. The consequences drag on so when they're finally healed the incident is burnt into their memory.
Usually a failed relationship disrupts a person's life besides losing one they love. That's why people frequently join a gym or take up a hobby/interest as they need to fill their time. When a potential partner shows up they can't devote themselves to the relationship because they fear what happened in the past. The transition from a relationship life to one of gyms and hobbies was not easy. They fear letting go of their present life because they don't want to go through that adjustment again if a relationship doesn't work out.
That's why I always jumped right back in. I didn't want to become comfortable or accepting to a single life. I didn't want to deceive myself into believing that a single life would be fine. I didn't want to prove to the world I could function fine without a partner.
As much as people protest about not needing someone and raving about the single life many are still here, looking, because something is missing.
We can all live on our own but deliberately avoiding meeting someone, unnecessarily prolonging the single life just to prove we can, is, IMO, destructive. It's like not having a broken bone set properly. It will heal but it will never be right.
And this ^^^is the sound reasoning why.
It's born from one's attitude.I do not advokate being a hermit, but I would not advise anyone to get a rebound relationship. I too think any rebound thing will end up hurting someone.
Just some food for thought....... perhaps your position is a merely the result of slightly cynical( born from one's) attitude, and could benefit from a little more positive predeliction. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/8/2009 6:11:11 AM | This thread is now so long that, for the benefit of new readers, we should note that Lil Brooker apparently answered the OP's question back on March 31 -- less than two hours after he asked it. Specifically, she explained (msg. 20) that the behavior of the OP's ex exhibits the classic traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
On that same date, the OP wrote (msg. 25) "I want to thank all who shared insight with me...but Lil Brooker I could hug you right now." The OP explained that an article on BPD "seems to say exactly what happened with the exception of the last part about rage." Moreover, the OP said that his ex had suffered "a tramatic life including much abandonment" in her childhood. This observation is significant because fear of abandonment is a hallmark of BPD, as SleepingBeauty and VerityOne seem to recognize above when agreeing with Lil.
Since March 31, many interesting stories and insightful comments have been added. I do not intend to detract from any of them. Rather, I am simply observing that Lil Brooker hit the nail on the head. And, given that the OP has not posted here since that date, it appears that her advice went a long way to alieviating his anguish and confusion -- the typical condition in which we find people who are breaking free from a BPD-type relationship. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/8/2009 12:09:16 PM |
This is where I most strenuously disagree. Being alone does not help one heal.
Why would "not dating while still in love" equal "being alone"?
Taking some time to heal is far from equivalent to filling your life in order to avoid a relationship - that extreme translation is baffling to me. A breather allows one to start to feel better on one's own, so as to avoid inflicting leftover pain on someone else, and so as to be able to give them our full attention. It's healthy for both the person doing it and the next person they date. Nothing wrong with mourning of a lost relationship being a shared activity; but with friends, not dates.
Rebounding, which is what was recommended, is no good for either the party still in love or the person who has to deal with them being still in love. It's just plain bad advice. Whether or not the OP contributed to the end of this relationship, however unknowingly, we can't know - but we do know his GF was only four months post-divorce, which obviously is a huge trauma, and look what happened here.
Maybe she should've taken another couple of months to work on herself and what she really wanted. Certainly it would have done no harm. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/8/2009 7:41:38 PM |
(Msg 56) Taking some time to heal is far from equivalent to filling your life in order to avoid a relationship - that extreme translation is baffling to me.
That extreme translation is what people frequently recommend. The advice is along the lines of "rediscover yourself, do things you used to do before you were in a relationship, take up a hobby or join a gym"....those are the things usually recommended on here and in those so-called "self-help" books and I believe they are anything but helpful. It's the equivalent of playing a mind game with oneself.
Maybe it's just my take on people's comments but there are more than a few who express what comes close to what appears to be a fear of having another bad relationship. There is an inordinate emphasis on independence and having a life and not getting too tied up with someone else when, IMO, that is what a romantic relationship is. It's all about intertwining lives and that is something not everyone finds easy to do and the deliberate avoidance of relationships and the rebuilding of ones life as a single person presents problems later on down the road.
Whether or not the OP contributed to the end of this relationship, however unknowingly, we can't know - but we do know his GF was only four months post-divorce, which obviously is a huge trauma, and look what happened here.
His girlfriend is/was 37 years old and she was married only one year. Then she spent 10 months with him before leaving. As others have opined she probably suffers from a mental illness.
I don't want to Monday morning quarterback the relationship but things like "To this day still I am not sure why she divorced her husband ..........I never dug deeper with her only because she didn't want to talk about it until she was ready" would have raised a red flag.
Wanting to know why a relationship failed is not solely to establish blame but to evaluate what constituted sufficient reason to end a marriage. In this case maybe it was all her husband's fault but the question still remains, "What was the "fault".
I understand people just coming out of a long term marriage requiring time to adjust but that wasn't the case with the lady in question. As far as waiting and perhaps discovering if she does have a mental illness ten months passed and the OP still doesn't know.
I think it's a simple case of the OP ending up with a flake. There is no rhyme or reason for her actions and the best thing the OP can do, IMO, is move on.
Often a breakup is like getting mugged. One can run the events over and over in their mind....why did I go to the store so late, why did I walk instead of taking the car, what coat was I wearing.....when the reality is none of those things were the cause of it.
Unless there is an obvious reason it's nothing more than one doing what they want and there's no accounting for some people's actions. That's why it's important for the OP to get out there and date before he poisons his mind with all sorts of thoughts. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/8/2009 8:10:13 PM | | You are 42 with a daughter, never been married. She had just come out of a divorce about 4 months earlier...your previous relationship ended about 6 months prior but you were ok and had no 'baggage'. My guess is you ended your previous relationship to be free again and start dating other women. That is when you could be ok. Your baggage is that you do not want to see your shortcomings. I knew a guy who said that he was like a "magnet" for women with problems and that women cheated on him. Sounds like you. Are you a guy who says: "It is not over till I say it is over"? | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/8/2009 9:23:57 PM | I agree with the second message..basically as she said..it might be tough OP but it's something neither your nor I will be able to figure out..No one will..Period! Its the harsh reality..who knows Op, maybe you didn't do anything "wrong"..maybe she just found someone else who she think is "better"..bottom line is we don't know and I know where you are coming from and how you feel, because I as well as most people have had this or something close to this happen to us. Its one of the unfortunate parts or dating/relationship.
Cheers | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/8/2009 11:05:27 PM | | Word of advice, people don't give up on something if they think it is a good thing. Even if they don't share the reason they are giving up, there is a reason. If it was a good thing in that person's eyes..... then why would they walk away. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/9/2009 2:15:37 PM | Treselle...My previous relationship ended mutually and we both decided that there just wasn't anything long term for us and we both felt it was the best thing to do, we are still friends-with no 'benefits' and talk on ocassion...and no, to your question. I wouldn't be controlling in that way or "obsessed' where I have to be the one to end anything...it's always supposed to be a 2-way street at the begining, middle, and if it gets to an end. I never deny any shortcomings I have, I'm actually open to hearing them always, that's how one becomes a better person in life. I also want to add that to this day, I can't remember any relationship I've been in, no matter what terms it's ended on, ending the way this one has, they all ended in a mature and friendly way. This one, she became bitter and cold and acts as if she never knew me. Just the feeling when I do have to 'pass' her at work ocassionally(we only overlap maybe an hour a week at work) of how she can't even look at me is unbelievable.
I've been sitting back and checking the posts for a while just taking in all the comments.
So much has been said...and so much of it really does help.
AcesSparkle (msg60)...that's why I posted here, something I don't do and that's the only reason I joined the site is for these forums for this problem... I really have started to believe that she is just very confused about her emotions and feelings...due to many things from her past, not just relationships. I believe she was just as happy with what we had as I was unless she's just an habitual liar, and she's not.
I know there were many 'red flags'...one that comes to mind often is the short marriage, or the 'hot and cold' spells throughout the summer...but I want to be clear that I saw most of those and I knew she needed more space, I tried and maybe sometimes I failed there, I just don't know, but when I did 'move back' when I felt this, she wouldn't let that happen only sometimes coming on stronger. But regardless I saw the 'flags' but since I really believed in her and what she said she felt for me, I wanted to 'stick it out' for the long haul with her showing her that I did care and wouldn't up and run at the first sign of any problem..that I wouldn't turn my back like others (not just 'lovers') have in her past. Maybe as 'mahoganyrush' says in msg 41..it could be 'stupid chivalry' and maybe I did give too much sometimes by being 'too nice' (didnt know there was such a thing till now') but that's me and I did that because I thought what we had was very rare and special...and I have been around the block in my life and I do know good from bad relationships, I just never saw this coming the way it ended.
Also I don't want to send the wrong message here...I'm not posting for sympathy or to make me look like the victim...I was just truly amazed and dumbfounded in what happened and only wanted advice...which I thank all for. I also hope I haven't made her out to be 'so bad' honestly she's not, just the way she ended it all...which was wrong and cold.
As far as the BPD issues that have been discussed...I think alot of people exhibit some signs of that in some way, as for her I wouldn't go as far as saying I think she may have that but just exhibits many signs from her actions. I think she just plain fearful now in her life of being hurt again, and I also think many people feel that when they feel something may be too good too be true, they just think it's not. It's easier to run on the side of caution that take that chance for some.
Thanks all... | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/10/2009 9:59:32 AM | | The way she ended things was cowardly. Apart from that, yours is a breakup like any other. Don't let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch. There are many good women out there who will treat you better when you are together, and treat you more respectfully if they break things off. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/10/2009 1:54:37 PM |
As far as the BPD issues that have been discussed...I think alot of people exhibit some signs of that in some way, as for her I wouldn't go as far as saying I think she may have that but just exhibits many signs from her actions. I think she just plain fearful now in her life of being hurt again, and I also think many people feel that when they feel something may be too good too be true, they just think it's not. It's easier to run on the side of caution that take that chance for some.
You think you've been through the wringer-washer? Not quite yet. If things don't work out for her, she's going to need you again and will suck you back.
I'll wager my POF membership on BPD. You are thinking like a classic NON - excusing her bizarre behaviour for your own inadequacies. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/10/2009 2:20:20 PM |
(OP) about 6 weeks ago I did approach her to talk...the only thing she said was, and she was angry it seemed, was "I just didn't want to be bothered, I moved on, and I met someone"
So why are you still saying "without reason". I think you know what the reason was, right?
(dave1234) Why did she tell me she was seeing someone but wanted me to work on the marriage? Why was she seeing someone? I had no idea. I still have no idea and that was 25 years ago.
Sounds like she wanted you out of her house, and didn't want the hassle of a divorce settlement (that would probably involve selling off the house and dividing "her" assets.) Make sense? | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/11/2009 11:41:08 AM | | A friend of mine who is 42 and married for the forth time said to me:"Do not take women seriously....." You obviously did. Women are like the weather - today it's sunny, but tomorrow - who knows. So, enjoy the sunny days and run for the shelter when it's rainy. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/11/2009 12:56:14 PM | | Sorry this has been such a paniful process. My thoughts on this...the relationship between the two of you movied too quickly since she was only 4 months out from her divorce. Red flag was waving when she was unable to talk open what happened between her and her ex...meaning she thoroughly had not processed her own grief about her marriage and the ex. Her falling in love and wanting to marry you...was just a distraction for her to be in a "happy" space (not saying she didn't feel for you) because it's easier to be in that place, than to have to look at your own pain and sadness. When she was ready and takes some space from you on her little trip, perhaps she was able to put some perspective on her marriage and start to process her feelings - which includes anger....and you unfortunately happened to be her whipping post, just because you were there....not because it was about you or that you did anything wrong - she needed to lash out and vent her anger - it was just at the wrong person. SO mayber she did a little processing and it became overwhelming and now needs to return to the "happy" space again and has found a new "victim". She is obviously not in an emotional space to communicate her feelings about you - because she's trying to figure it out - she doesn't really know who she is, now as a divorced person..single,..dating - she really shouldn't be dating, particularly hurting others along the way - unfortunately that's how many people deal with their feelings, they just jump from one relationship to another - never reflecting on themselves or the lessons learned. Stop blaming yourself because it's not about you, yes it was hurtful for what she did - so what do you come away with from all this???? and after all she's put you through - she really can't be trusted emotionally, she's too unstable right now and you really need to give her the space she needs - She's not angry at you, she's angry at herself and her past situation. It's not about you - so you need to figure out how to take care of yourself so you can move on from this hurtful experience. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/11/2009 1:42:56 PM | I just dealt with someone like this...and she has some issues she is dealing with. I agree with another on here that said you dodged a bullet...be grateful and find someone healthier to be with.
The comment about falling in love and getting married so quickly.. red flag. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/11/2009 3:51:32 PM | If you can honestly say that you acted with the right motives, in good faith and honestly with this woman, then the logical thing is that it was her and not you. And you will get over her in time. And someday you will be glad that it ended.
A person comes into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. She was not for a season or a lifetime. You have to look at the reason, find the lesson to be learned, and learn it.
Two people have to meet at the exact right time in their lives to both be ready for a committed relationship. She obviously was not ready and maybe this has to do with some self esteem issues she has that have nothing to do with you, perhaps from her marriage where she was hurt to her core.
I am sorry for your pain but it is pain in life that makes us all want something better. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/11/2009 6:25:43 PM |
When you found out she was dating someone else you said you 'confronted' her about it. Why was there a need to confront. It is her life now and you two were no longer together.
Then after that you kept bugging her to give you closure. This is where it gets creepy to me. I understand why you did it but that does not make it right. I am not saying you were stalking her but you had no right to keep contacting her over and over again to find out why. We don't always get to know why.
Why can't we know why? I would agree that acefed was probably overdoing it a little, but he is entitled to some closure, especially if he paid for the ticket!
And he is entitled to ask her about her dating someone else(not at work), but he definitely was not taken into consideration.
My theory is that she was already involved with the new guy before her trip, prob at the same time her attitude changed.
It sucks that this happenened, but sadly it happens to a lot of people.
Take some time for yourself acefed, and rememeber each day that you are worth more than that!
cheers | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 4/11/2009 7:10:45 PM |
bitterness is not born from letting yourself being alone. It's born from one's attitude. I do not advokate being a hermit, but I would not advise anyone to get a rebound relationship. I too think any rebound thing will end up hurting someone. But if you feel like you have to, well do it. Time will show everything won't it. I agree with this.. rebounds, more often than not end up just adding hurt on top of hurt that has never been exorcized. The key is to "deal" with the pain and learn from it. Not, hide from the pain in another's arms and thereby placing your own issues "on hold."
OT: Op.. I won't judge you hinting at you having done something wrong in your relationship.. I will say that anyone who would take your money for a trip and then completely ignore you afterward.. Has issues that are beyond you being able to fix with your mere love. She has the "user" gene and no one's love will change that characteristic... she has no conscious. Sociopathic, Narcisstic or BPD certainly comes to my mind.
As for getting closure.. Well, that most always helps in the healing process.. unfortunately we don't always get that.. so, it's totally up to us to give the gift of closure to ourselves. When you can do that, it will be the first step on you getting over this one. How to do this:
Deal with your pain by distraction from the past (keep yourself busy), Concentrate on the present (one day at a time) then, Look forward to your future with lessons you've learned about yourself and how you will deal from here on in.
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