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| | What motivates you to look for a relationship?Page 5 of 9 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) | sweetness-one: Hmmm..to be honest, OP, I'm really still not seeing why you would think that one needs to separate the motivation into two separate categories anyway, with one or the other coming out as the "main driving force" (ie--primarily for sex, or primarily for companionship), or that the two wouldn't be tied to each other, where a relationship is concerned
A product of my own introspection, I suppose. I was in virtually back to back live with relationships, and the most recent didn't end until mid-February. At first, there was overwhelming joy in having my own space, doing things on my own time, and not have someone demanding every minute of my time, with one "project"after another, that just "had to be done".
Admittedly, I was with someone who was far more "needy" than I realized, but I was in no hurry to find that level of "togetherness" any time soon. I'd resolved to take 6 months away from dating.
However, after about 4 weeks, I felt the "stirring" of interest in "looking" again, and if the "right one" were to come along, then to begin all over again. In analyzing what it is that I most "miss" about not having someone in my life, I realized that it is physical intimacy, with someone I also have strong feelings for, that I am starting to urgently miss.
All the "little things" are important in having those feelings, so I'm not looking for "just sex". Thoughts of trips to the grocery store together, though, aren't what create the intensity that would break the inertia of living life alone, although it's all part of it.
Why should the two be mutually exclusive?
They aren't. I never separate the two. It's others, who have a dating paradigm of weeks or months "getting to know each other", and wanting deep emotional intimacy BEFORE there is physical intimacy that seem to, in my mind, have that separation. For me, "getting to know each other" and "becoming great friends" in a relationship, CAN'T be separated. One feeds into the other as the relationship grows, and in the "good ones" "two" can truly become "one", body, mind, and spirit. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/5/2009 2:36:52 PM | RenaissanceMan1950
Dude!!!
You stated, “the question was about which is the "first" want/need that motivates someone to get out and start all over again? It's about "A" or "B", not "all of the above".
Answers are easy, it’s asking the right question that’s the hard part!
As most have shared with you, there is no “A” or “B” , and they are both one.
Consider this: We all want the same thing…… to know and be known with someone that wants to know us and be known also…… on an even keel.
You want the “Close Encounter”. The ultimate acceptance. And you want it now.
And we all do.
But at what point in practicing our quick draw do we stop shooting ourselves in the foot!?!?!?!
You very honestly shared, “In analyzing what it is that I most "miss" about not having someone in my life, I realized that it is physical intimacy…”
Re-think that a few times….. Simmer slowly….. Season lightly, Alcohol as necessary.
Bottom line….. Most only use the top 1/3 of their lungs, and get along just fine. Free-divers, and Women Japanese pearl divers have learned to go deeper…..
Hey!!! I didn’t write the manual! But there is something about fulfillment withheld, surrender delayed, conquest repelled, that makes a Man dig a little deeper. And the Man is rewarded with treasures.
Truth seems to be….. Something happens when “the itch is scratched to early”. However unintentional.
I have been guilty many times over, and hate to imagine how my actions so short changed the both of “us”……..
Like someone up above said earlier…. “One definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing….”
And another thing….. (BEEP!!!! Please deposit another 3 dollars…. :)
I am SO done with having to explain or defend myself, my views, my ways or why I do/feel/think/say the things I do to anyone, and if dating also means that I have to defend the very core of my humanity over a lousy cup of coffee,
product of my own introspection, I suppose. I was in virtually back to back live with relationships, and the most recent didn't end until mid-February. At first, there was overwhelming joy in having my own space, doing things on my own time, and not have someone demanding every minute of my time, with one "project"after another, that just "had to be done".
Admittedly, I was with someone who was far more "needy" than I realized, but I was in no hurry to find that level of "togetherness" any time soon. I'd resolved to take 6 months away from dating.
However, after about 4 weeks, I felt the "stirring" of interest in "looking" again, and if the "right one" were to come along, then to begin all over again. In analyzing what it is that I most "miss" about not having someone in my life, I realized that it is physical intimacy, with someone I also have strong feelings for, that I am starting to urgently miss.
All the "little things" are important in having those feelings, so I'm not looking for "just sex". Thoughts of trips to the grocery store together, though, aren't what create the intensity that would break the inertia of living life alone, although it's all part of it.
Why should the two be mutually exclusive?
They aren't. I never separate the two. It's others, who have a dating paradigm of weeks or months "getting to know each other", and wanting deep emotional intimacy BEFORE there is physical intimacy that seem to, in my mind, have that separation. For me, "getting to know each other" and "becoming great friends" in a relationship, CAN'T be separated. One feeds into the other as the relationship grows, and in the "good ones" "two" can truly become "one", body, mind, and spirit. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/7/2009 6:15:54 PM |
You stated, “the question was about which is the "first" want/need that motivates someone to get out and start all over again? It's about "A" or "B", not "all of the above".
Answers are easy, it’s asking the right question that’s the hard part!
As most have shared with you, there is no “A” or “B” , and they are both one
They are, and they aren't. I encounter a lot of really nice women, both in real life, and online. However, if a woman doesn't engage my "he" seeking her "she" , then it's just pleasant conversation. I have real life female friends, who I enjoy talking with, meeting for lunch as friends, or "doing stuff with" as friends, but, if there is no "desire" of a man for a woman, it's "just friends".
Friends are a great part of life, and I value those in my life who are friends. However, friendship is uncomplicated and "easy". It's that rare women, who sets me on fire with desire, with whom "having it all" is possible. | |
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| Virtual relationship?
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:31:52 PM | | I find it is best to build an online repertoire with each other first- I know most men become really annoyed with the wait some even become down right violent with a hateful attitude. I don't want to be involved with a man that doesn't have patients and feels like I owe him my time for the exchange of a few words. I think people take the online dating scene a little TO FAST... When they should be stepping on the breaks. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/8/2009 7:17:50 PM |
Companionship motivates the over 50s
I would not be so absolute certain sure of that m'dear. . . .
Woobytoodsday, absolutely spot on. Despite the stereotypes that some may have of men in their late 50s, I am very much a sexual animal, tuned into chemistry. I have companionship with friends, and would never look on the internet for "friends" alone. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/8/2009 7:31:03 PM | I always get the urge to get to know a man right around income tax time. Have no idea why.
I don't really look for a relationship. More a friendship. Someone I can LIKE. Someone who might LIKE me.
Tough to find in a single male. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/8/2009 7:44:56 PM | I am a single mom to a 2 year old little girl.... I feel like it is wrong to want and have love sometimes. I feel like I have so much I have to do to better our lives that.... to actually find mr. wonderful who is going to fill the void in my life is asking way to much.... and is almost wrong a little. But what would motivate me is.... I always have my family. And that is great but I want someone to hug everyday.... kiss everyday... make dinner for and you know.... & even though I am still learning to cook....appricate it and me. Blah!!! But someone to fill the void.... someone who can reciprocate.  | |
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seaga
| | Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 109 | |
| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/8/2009 9:58:59 PM | | To answer the question its very simple. I want to be in a relationship with a woman who I can share my life with. Someone who will be there for me and offer me that support that only someone of the opposite sex can offer. I just want to know that I have someone who can be there for me no matter what. That is an simple as it gets. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/9/2009 5:36:20 PM | I might have a slightly different response. Still analyzing my thoughts to be sure though.
Intellectual pursuits and the desire to learn seem to be an overarching driving force for me in life. The desire to learn about and to understand relationships provides the stimulus needed for me to get off my rear and date.
My last girlfriend told me that I showed her two primary emotions: passion and drive (hey, it was a short relationship). Before I was 25, I did not seek out dating or a relationship. I wanted sex for sure, but was too lazy to go out and take it. My roommate summed it up perfectly when he stated that I just didn't care. Apathy was the word of the day. From an external perspective, I could see firsthand all the issues that came up in relationships and it seemed like it just wasn't worth it just to have sex.
The primal urge for sexual intimacy is likely the first thing that I noticed, but I think of it as an urge that is closely tied to emotions. It is something I felt and feel, but for years didn't act on directly. Intimately, I am a giver and my preference is to do what I can to make a woman happy. I noticed at an early age that doing so in my imagination is nowhere near as rewarding as doing so with a woman in real life. So the desire to make a woman happy on an intimate and intellectual level is quite strong for me.
In addition, I have been fortunate or foolhardy enough to take the time to fidlde around with my hormones enough to learn a thing or two. I found that when I lowered my normally high sex drive, I had far less interest in dating. An expected outcome. I chose to do it in such a way that I also moved most negative emotions out of the way temporarily (lowered estrogen levels). When I did so, I realized I was quite happy alone and that pure companionship was not a strong driver for me. I want and need companionship, but a little goes a long way. I don't need to be physically close to someone or even to talk to my closest friends at all. The bond is strong enough without need for reassurance.
Anyhow, that is my perspective and I am sure it will evolve over time as I learn more about myself. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/19/2009 7:41:27 AM | This is a very interesting question.
I realize this is a fairly old post, at least for the instant communication of these fora, but I stumbled across it while peeking at the OP's historicals, my curiosity piqued by many mutual opinons.
I came here with, I'll admit, very specific and selfish goals. And I knew going in that they were such. So here goes;
I wanted someone who:
- was interested in having sex with me as often as we could get together
- wouldn't have sex with anyone else as long as we were intimatly involved
- had his own place
- wasn't married
- wouldn't get "clingy"
- wouldn't ask me to leave my husband
Oh, and - was interested in having sex with me as often as we could get together.
Okay, so you asked.  | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/19/2009 8:25:47 AM | I have to be honest and say that I have no idea what I want now.... I have been single about 4 years and have to say I really enjoy it...I have put on my profile that I think I am ready for something long term but if it doesn't happen along in the next 4 years I am not going to be bitterly disappointed. I never feel lonely even though I live alone.
It feels really good to be enjoying my own company after all these years of 'needing' a man in my life and couldn't contemplate jumping in to a relationship just for the sake of having that man there and certainly not because I want physical intimacy ~ I am long past the point where I worry about what people think of me so having a good sex session out of a relationship is fine with me.
I suppose what motivates me to keep looking is that there are some things that are nicer to do with someone else rather than on your own so I have stated that I am looking for an activity partner . I love meeting face to face and do that fairly regularly but as yet haven't met anyone that really floats my boat or that I could envisage spending copious amounts of time with. I will continue to meet and make friends and maybe that 'special' smiley active guy will happen along.
Also I am such a firm believer in not mixing business with pleasure so although I work in a largely male environment I won't date any of the men... I rarely meet men I want to date on the dancing scene... I am treated as one of the lads in my gym (which is just how I like it) and I am not in to night clubs so for me the net has opened such an avenue to meet some really genuine people that I wouldn't ordinarily meet.... and YES there are some very nice genuine guys out there! | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/19/2009 5:36:17 PM | | Honestly, I just get tired of doing certain things alone. And yeah, it would be nice to one day meet someone who's as into me, as I am into them. That's always nice to hope for. It doesn't happen for everyone, but I think that's one of the main things that keeps motivating so many of us. We keep hoping for a connection with someone out there, that we've never had with anyone else. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/19/2009 6:25:56 PM |
I think that's one of the main things that keeps motivating so many of us. We keep hoping for a connection with someone out there, that we've never had with anyone else.
I'm glad that someone chose to revive this thread, because this post hits home in my current state of thinking. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/19/2009 7:02:20 PM | | I guess for me it's because I just miss having that person to share life with. I have my best friends and my family so my life is almost complete. At the end of the day I just want that someone to hold me and love me. Unfortunatly, after being in an 8 year relationship and getting back out on the dating scene...it's much harder than I thought it would be. Everyone seems to either be looking for the next best thing or they are still not over the last heartbreak they endured. Yet still I feel like it's worth putting my heart out there. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/25/2009 8:52:54 PM |
I just miss having that person to share life with.
Having the ideal other, the one person with whom it's possible for 1+1 = more than 2, is not something that any of us can just go out and find. Whether one credits Providence, karma, or serendipity, it's what one hopes for, but not something within the power of any of us to just "go out and find".
So, the OT was premised on one being "post" relationship, and deciding it's time to get out there again. Is the first motivation to find a sexual relationship, or to find companionship? | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/25/2009 9:20:45 PM | " the first motivation to find a sexual relationship, or to find companionship?
OP,
I reread your initial post, I see it.
For me my motivation is companionship ( Romantic, adult). Avoiding STD by being exclusive and committed. (very important motivation that also follow). Let's not forget this.
Sexual relationship would be meaningless if there is no companionship aspect.
Post relationship, means After working on motivation toward achieving the hope of finding a Relationship that is unique each of them. Then, I Might have to "settle/compromise" on few items on my list (ie if companionship, chemistry, Love?,etc is great, but sex is not that great).
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/25/2009 9:24:26 PM | You can't win if you don't play. So while I agree with this:
Having the ideal other, the one person with whom it's possible for 1+1 = more than 2, is not something that any of us can just go out and find.
I think wanting to find a perfect match is a perfectly legitimate reason to look for a relationship.
It seems, OP, like you want to narrow the motivations down to sexual vs. companionship. It's not black and white.
I want a romantic relationship in my life. The thing which distinguishes a romantic relationship from all the others - friends, work, family, acquaintances - is sex. It doesn't mean I'm looking for first date sex. It means I want a romantic relationship. I can get companionship anytime. I have friends, et al, and I can get more easily. The harder thing to find is a good person who meets my standards for a romantic relationship. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/25/2009 9:50:51 PM | What an awesome question! Thanks for sharing this post!
What motivates me?
Well ...
I think part of it is that I feel I have alot to share with someone--- and sharing and being a part of someone else's reciprocation of that is one of the best feelings you can ever have! Loving and being loved... as so many have said, "its the closest thing to magic that we have".
I am also motivated out of loneliness .. and motivated out of a need for sex as well!
I have learned to live alone, but must admit its nice having someone to help keep the bed warm :)
Other things that motivate me-- activity partner- having a man to share common goals with and create dreams together (its always easier to create and meet your goals when 2 people are focused on the same task) and in some ways, financial security (such as it is these days with investments and retirements dumping left and right) .....
Oh yes and SEX....
(or did I say tha already?) he he he | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/26/2009 6:53:52 AM | | OP: I am not interested in dating, especially females in my area. I have not found a female who interests me in years. I am not saying all females are bad; it's just that all of the good females I meet are married and I don't believe in pursuing married females. I don't expect to find any single females that are high quality. I imagine this will prompt lots of females saying the same thing about men. I don't care. I am here to post messages on forums. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/26/2009 7:56:57 AM |
Companionship motivates the over 50s
I would not be so absolute certain sure of that m'dear. . . .
Woobytoodsday, absolutely spot on. Despite the stereotypes that some may have of men in their late 50s, I am very much a sexual animal, tuned into chemistry.
OP this is one comments that many men make .... ""Despite the stereotypes that SOME may have of men in their late 50's, I am very much a sexual animal. Well you are not alone. It gets kinda annoying that so many men (I say men as I am a woman) say they are different than most men. That they have higher sex drives than most men, that they are nicer guys than most men, that they are bla bla bla than most men. News Flash ... most men say the exact same things. so no you are NOT different than MOST men, you are just the same.
The only thing that I have noticed about the you, OP, since I have been on the forums is that you go after the sex, move in with much younger women then come back on line. MOST men take the time to find the full connection and not move across a few states to have sex, move in with a woman and her kids only to move back out again in a year and on and so forth.
You seem to see such as a relationship that didn't move forward, and not as a failed relationship and I congratulate you on your singular thoughts on this one. As for me and I would guess most people men or women would not want to be packing moving packing moving and so want to be sure right at the beginning of an involved committed relationship that ALL the aspects fit their life and what their wants/needs are and not just a fraction. Meaning the sexual part and let the other part be a surprise as we go along.
Truthfully RenMan when I saw you back on the forums I actually felt bad for you. If I were 59 and holding I could not take a few one year live ins. I have a girl friend who has been alone nearly the same amount of time as I have ... 9 years ... and has had three live in relationships during this time. Yiikes !!!
Yet I will meet a man, and not be so interested ... she keeps telling me "Oh you have to give this guy or that guy a chance", even thought it is against my better judgment. .... So anyway one day I was asked out to meet this man on date/meet three, my girlfriend is saying give him a chance bla bla bla. So driving down the highway I am thinking ... I am actually taking advice from my girlfriend who is moving out man #3 all the while I have been alone and her life has been drama filled and mine has been ... yes lacking SEX but oh my god, very fun and drama free. Urrrrrrkkkkk wishing I was turning the car around, but went out on the date and was fully satisfied that he was NOT the man for me.
OP I know you want to divide motivation, and long ago when you and your SO kept pushing down my throat yours and her opinion on first date sex, and that sex was THE most important aspect in a relationship I and a few other kept fully disagreeing with you.
So now in the same amount of time ... one and a half years later, I am still looking for the COMBINATION that will satisfy and fulfill me you have packed moved and un packed and merged with a woman with young children, THEN packed again and un packed and perhaps had a few broken hearts along the way. I know you want us to think your way is the right way, but my brain just DOESN'T work like your does. I am thankful that I am waiting for MR. RIGHT for ME.
Cheers
Savona  | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/26/2009 8:14:02 AM | Re: Post #125
Ah, one of the favorite sports for some in the fora, ignore the topic, and attack the OP. 
Funny thing, you got several things wrong, and then attacked the straw men of your own making.
#1 My statement, in response to an earlier poster, who made the blanket statement that "men over 50 want companionship, and younger men want sex"...was to say that the "stereotype" isn't valid. I did not say that I'm "different" or "exceptional", merely that to say that men over 50 aren't sexually driven isn't true for some, or maybe most, men over 50.
#2 where did you draw this conclusion?
you go after the sex, move in with much younger women then come back on line. MOST men take the time to find the full connection and not move across a few states to have sex, move in with a woman and her kids only to move back out again in a year and on and so forth.
No, I haven't "moved in" with "much younger women". I had a relationship, where a much younger woman moved in with me. There's no plural to it, and I didn't move.
Now that I engaged your off topic attack, perhaps we can rejoin the topic, which is what motivates one to seek a relationship in the first place? As you referenced, when my relationships over the past few years ended, I didn't view them as "failures". The primary reason may well be that what initially motivated me to seek out a relationship, was a response to sex drive, with a woman who I found attractive, and who was similarly motivated. Since those relationships did just that, for a significant amount of time, they accomplished the initial goal.....thus, they were successes.
In terms of this point in time in my life, it's complicated. I wasn't really "looking" very hard, when I rejoined, precisely because, after 10 years post divorce, of having "1 year" relationships, I have been growing weary. It's all too easy to find those 1 year sexual relationships, but I wasn't sure that it was "worth" it anymore. On the other hand, without Providence involved, it's all too easy to get sucked into a dating paradigm with someone, who just wants a "friend", and for whom sex isn't important. Getting caught up in THAT would be a failure, and I'd have to deal with the feelings of foolishness in the aftermath.
In any case, the question seems to have resolved itself in my life, but this month old thread still seems to draw some interesting responses. | |
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| What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/26/2009 8:18:57 AM | I'm not motivated to look, or search, or hunt or any of that - but will be motivated to consider it only when someone crosses my path that trips my hormones AND my brain at the same time, and intrigues me to want to know more.
I've been single a long time, so not only am I used to it - I appreciate it. I don't see what being single a long time has to do with needing companionship. Sex is nice within a relationship, but can be handled separately if necessary. Wanting to share things with someone is only relevant to whoever I meet and end up involved with. Without a person in mind, wanting to share my life/dreams/whatever with "someone" is a silly concept.
*shrug* | |
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