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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 AbortRetryFail
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 101
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?Page 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
WindRoper, I'm glad it works well for you to be friends for a long time before you decide to be lovers. Congratulations for knowing what you like. But it doesn't work for me and I prefer strong attraction at the beginning. Try not to judge people who prefer to be lovers early in a relationship. For your information, we did talk a good deal online and on the phone before we met. And who I met was pretty much who I expected. So it really didn't feel like meeting a stranger.

Also, some people, such as myself, have strong sex drives and basically can't think clearly unless we are "getting some." We will be thinking of sex more than half the time, which is a terrible way to get anything done in life. It pretty much clouds all judgment. So we get the sex part out of the way, and then we can start to think more clearly and see if we like each other as friends as well. I know that doesn't make sense to you, but it works for some people.

This is why I wanted to date other people. I want to see if I am with the right person, despite having sex early. That I was making the right decision. And so far, my one date with another person while with her only solidified the idea that I met someone who is quite compatible with me.

All I ask is that you don't judge people who choose to have sex early in the relationship. I don't judge people who choose to be friends first myself. Some of us just prefer it that way. This girl and I happen to have a good deal in common and will make great friends anyway, and there is nothing wrong with having lovers before friends. In any event, it is nothing to be ashamed of, and I just wish you weren't judgmental about people who do it that way.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 102
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 12:17:55 PM
I'm not judging you! I probably had more casual sex with practical strangers in my first 25 years of my life than you've had in your entire life. So, puh-leeeze, spare me the drama. Speaking as one who has been there and done that I KNOW the string of unsatisfying, unsuccesful relationships it leads to, and speaking to someone who apparently STILL hasn't figured that out I've tried to help you see the error of your dishonest ways. But you don't WANT to see anything. You wanna brag about your sexual exploits and conquests with attention seeking and self pity threads when you actually have no concerns or regrets over your actions nor any desire to make positive changes in your life. If you wanna be a narcissist who thinks with his d***, you won't be the first or the last and it's no skin off my back so knock yourself out. But when someone calls you on your bullsh**, take it like a man instead of turning it around and making it about them. That IS the flag and anthem of a true narcissist, you know.
 AbortRetryFail
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 103
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 12:50:21 PM
You wanna brag about your sexual exploits and conquests with attention seeking and self pity threads when you actually have no concerns or regrets over your actions nor any desire to make positive changes in your life.


No, I didn't go here for attention whoring and bragging behavior. I wanted help in a specific matter, and now that I got plenty of response on that front and think I have the matter resolved, I don't need answers about it anymore. This thread could just die because it has served its purpose. How is it narcissistic when the thread was about me and my problem in the original post? Truth in advertising. Also, I did acknowledge faults and shortcomings at times, but of course I will disagree that I am a rotten human being, which was the gist of half the posts. That I will argue against and deny. Who in this world thinks of themselves as a worthless person?

Maybe I will wise up some day, who knows? For now let me make my mistakes if I must make them. I am young. I can be stupid and think with only my "little head" I guess. Us men are that way for a while. Don't hate us for it.

But you think I should still regret getting into this relationship and that it is doomed to fail? Well thank you for your kind words and well wishes. Why do you think sex early in a relationship is a recipe for failure? Explain your reasoning, because I see no correlation.
 bklynrebel
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 104
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:27:18 PM
This thread is still alive, must be a slow news day.
 AbortRetryFail
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 105
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:38:38 PM
Barely alive - most have bailed at this point. Just you and that Windroper. No reason for the thread to really live anymore.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 106
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 2:49:38 PM

How is it narcissistic when the thread was about me and my problem in the original post?


Perhaps if you looked up the term you would know narcissism IS all about you. But, when the narcissist feels too closely examined and held accountable for his/her actions, they cast blame on others as a diversion.


But you think I should still regret getting into this relationship and that it is doomed to fail?

YOU are the one who initially expressed regret. You just back-pedaled when some people had less than kind words to say about your dishonest behavior and that it seemed you regretted having sex with someone who is less than your ideal instead of regretting having been dishonest and using her for a physical urge that would pass if you would just give it a couple of minutes. But, in true narcissistic fashion, God forbid you should deny yourself ANYTHING.
As for the "relationship," I believe it is doomed to fail cuz a "relationship" based on dishonesty is not a relationship at all. It's an illusion (or, in your case, delusion).


Why do you think sex early in a relationship is a recipe for failure? Explain your reasoning, because I see no correlation.


My reasoning is based on the personal experience of never having had one instance of early sex result in a successful, long term relationship. And, apparently, neither have you. DON'T site your ex. If it had been successful she wouldn't be your ex.

You wouldn't see the correlation cuz you limit contact when previous 'relationships' have ended. So you don't see the pain caused by being used (even if it takes the chick a while to have an epiphany and realize what you are and that what she shared with you was just gratuitous sex). You just see the happy afterglow of sexual satisfaction (or at least I HOPE you're satisfying them sexually cuz you're not much of a friend if you can't be honest). You lack the capacity to be truly intimate so you cannot correlate what you do not know. Intimacy is not physical. It is the ability to communicate and perceive emotions and thoughts without fear which is developed by having those experiences with another individual and developing trust that transcends the fear.

When I was younger and I had sex just for the sake of scratching an itch or notching the bedpost, 9 out of 10 times it was good. When I reached 30, started to figure out a few things about myself and relationships, and learned about true intimacy... well... I may as well have been a virgin cuz the difference in the sex was like night and day. But I also know that back in the day no one could have convinced me of these truthes. So why should I bare my soul and admit numbers that would astound for an argumentative, unappreciative person who can't even be honest with himself?

I'm done. Enjoy your empty life.
 LuvU4Now
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 107
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:23:08 PM
DUDE! Well played! Basically you put in 90 minutes of work one weekend and and you come up with a bangfest the next - 4 times no less. That's we we call in the biz as an awesome return on investment. So what's the problemo? You are 32. Are you saying you have never had a boink fest with someone you were marginally or not really attracted to and then never saw them again? Sounds like you are having post coital remorse.

Here's the good news. You are both adults and can make decisions for yourself. In other words it takes two to tango. You posed the question so you're gonna take the heat on this forum. Don't feel you have to be a mercenary in giving her your time. Besides, she deserves better. I understand that you want to be considerate of her feelings. If you're not really in to her then move on.

BTW......I know where you are coming from. I have been with tons of babes that you don't want to take any further than the bedroom.
 joanne1357
Joined: 9/20/2008
Msg: 108
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:43:42 PM
so if everything is so good with lady #1- why do you still want to date other people?? You found out that the date with the pretty girl it wasnt really what you were looking for.. you are still trying to justify your behavior & you are still a player
and dont blame it on your "strong sex drive"-- thats a boy talkin- not a man
 RenaissanceMan1950
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 109
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 6:52:55 PM


Is it wrong to have sex and not be exclusive, to keep dating?


It would be wrong for me, but I'm not judging others. For me, I've had sex on "first dates" many times, if we met online, spent time coming to know each other, and then found that "chemistry" exists, when we meet in person.

I long ago discovered that having sex, when there isn't strong chemistry, is a mistake. Sex without a strong emotional connection isn't that great, and invites all sorts of "issues". For me, it takes a toll on my emotional/spiritual serenity. So, I wouldn't sleep with someone, unless I were singularly focused on her, and hopeful that it was part of developing a serious relationship.
 annahime29
Joined: 11/28/2008
Msg: 110
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 7:13:26 PM
I think that while you generally are a good guy, you are just that "a guy" . . .

It is selfish to continue to see a woman whose looks torment you so much. If you really liked her you would not see her thirty pounds. If you truly liked her and were interested in her all that you would see a wonderful woman. You don't get ands, ifs, or buts . . . .

Grow up and end it before you do something stupid like say "I love you" . . .
 ImJ9
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 111
view profile
History
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 12:00:49 AM

I would also like to add that concerning her personality, she is just the sort I am looking for - very un-****y and affectionate, among other things. For that reason I want to give her a chance to see if I can get over my misgivings.



she is just the sort I am looking for


In case you had not heard, looks fade with time. I'm sorry that you had to have sex with someone that you don't find attractive.

My advise would be to stop having sex with people you find unattractive. You and men like you are one of the reasons that women become the untrusting, cynical @itches that men so dislike and don't understand.
 samstyles
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 112
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 2:30:35 AM
I think your assessment of your honesty is a little off. Saying the difficult things (like "Whilst I am very attracted to your personality, I dont know if I am physically attracted to you enough") is what really makes you honest.

However, I can see that you want to do the right thing for you both here.

Would you want to be with someone who had the doubts you were having, how would it affect your self esteem in the long run, even if it went unspoken?

I reckon you wouldn't want to be in that position, and that if you do like her then you wont want her to be. If I were you, I'd try to down scale this one to a friendship.

You need to sort out this matter of how important looks are to you whilst there is no one around to complicate matters by being hurt through your decision. If someone raises that question in your mind at the start, then that is the best time to let them know it. If they still persue you that is their decision.

Its harder to tell this lady now because in your heart you know you've let her make decisions and open up to you perhaps under false assumptions.
 bklynrebel
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 113
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 7:34:10 AM
I confess that I am fascinated by this thread, how much "play" it's getting. Do the patriotic thing and throw a flag over her next time you want sex.
 cheeky 73
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 114
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 9:21:07 AM
looks are not always important as we are not all perfect you should have got to know her properly first as you wouldnt like it if someone put on here the same about you om not criticising but if you never clicked the first time then why spend a whole weekend you could have become good friends if you were honest mate hope you find what your looking for
 cheeky 73
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 115
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 9:24:09 AM
your funny for an older person i bet you wouldnt say no if it was offered to you on a plate
 AbortRetryFail
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 116
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 9:42:47 AM

[AbortRetryFail:] Why do you think sex early in a relationship is a recipe for failure? Explain your reasoning, because I see no correlation.

[Windroper:] My reasoning is based on the personal experience of never having had one instance of early sex result in a successful, long term relationship. And, apparently, neither have you. DON'T site your ex. If it had been successful she wouldn't be your ex.

You wouldn't see the correlation cuz you limit contact when previous 'relationships' have ended. So you don't see the pain caused by being used (even if it takes the chick a while to have an epiphany and realize what you are and that what she shared with you was just gratuitous sex). You just see the happy afterglow of sexual satisfaction (or at least I HOPE you're satisfying them sexually cuz you're not much of a friend if you can't be honest). You lack the capacity to be truly intimate so you cannot correlate what you do not know...


Windroper, I am actually friends with two previous lovers, who I see personally as friends about once a month lately. The third - the one I mention who I talk with only online - lives in Texas now anyway. Since my attraction to her was always very strong, she hurt me a real lot by multiple cheating, and it was only since last October that I broke up with her, yes, I limit contact with her. The feelings have not gone away and it would not be healthy.

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have feelings for others according to you, because you diagnosed me with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Well thank you for your evaluation based upon thinking that I am doing what you did in the past and my situation is so similar to yours, which it is not. If you bill me for your co-payment, I'll be glad to pay my portion, but you'll have to bill my insurance for the rest.

The thing is, you don't know me that well and are basing what I am doing and who I must be by an underlying assumption about what you think my personality must be. You are evaluating me for a disorder which someone does not have a place to, unless they have a medical degree. I doubt that you do, or else I am sure you would show more compassion for someone you suspected did have such a disorder. And according to you, my denial of your evaluation is a confirmation of my Narcissism. How convenient. Actually, I do have some major faults - just like I imagine most people here do - and I certainly know what they are. But it's not Narcissistic Personality Disorder. To you I say, go evaluate someone else. I'm not interested in being your patient anymore. Thank you.

I'm not disclosing anymore details on this relationship for public discussion. But thank you to all those who contributed and helping me think this through.
 AbortRetryFail
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 117
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 9:51:44 AM
[samstyles:] I think your assessment of your honesty is a little off. Saying the difficult things (like "Whilst I am very attracted to your personality, I dont know if I am physically attracted to you enough") is what really makes you honest.



[AbortRetryFail:] I did tell her that I am pretty comfortable with her and that she is what I am looking for, and the main misgivings I have are her physical appearance. But I have no problem with attraction to her anyway, and am pretty much over any second thoughts I have about her body. She is fine with this, and wants to make sure I am really staying with her for the right reasons. [from post #104]


This has already been said already and is very present in our relationship now. It is also becoming less of an issue. I have actually been liking her body and looks more now. A lot of my uncertainties are things that came out of the first few times of meeting her. So it's not an issue anymore. And don't tell me - men or women - that you haven't had similar experiences with people you have dated, and quite grown to like them, body and all.

Things can change over time.
 realsum
Joined: 11/27/2008
Msg: 118
view profile
History
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 10:27:08 AM
[Maybe I will wise up some day, who knows? For now let me make my mistakes if I must make them. I am young. I can be stupid and think with only my "little head" I guess. Us men are that way for a while. Don't hate us for it.]

I see you've successfully made yourself look like a real ass, you didn't need any of us to help you out with that.
Speak only of your own douchebaggery and not everyone else's. Guys like you give the general population men a bad name. take responsibility.. your excuses are sad.
 AbortRetryFail
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 119
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 10:48:12 AM
^ and you, my friend, seem quite angry and bitter. What is wrong with admitting faults? And besides, it is quite possible to find someone you really love from someone you had sex with early, despite what some people here claim. To be honest, I have rarely had meaningless sex, and this was not meaningless, even though it was early. I liked her and have been developing feelings for her.
 AbortRetryFail
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 120
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 11:01:40 AM
Many men would like nothing better than to find a woman who is not bitter, who enjoys sex for its own sake, and who does not hate men for their sex drive and instead enjoys their attention. I see there is a pattern here of women who want to respond to this thread because they have had bad experiences with men who have used them for sex. Then they direct their hate and anger toward me, typifying me as an example of their bad experiences with men.

Lovely. This is why forums are a lousy place to get constructive answers.
 realsum
Joined: 11/27/2008
Msg: 121
view profile
History
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 11:36:09 AM
angry and bitter? lol not really. I only pointed out the obvious and there was nothing personal on my end about it. If you had read anything I had written you probably wouldn't have bothered responding. You made excuses for your behavior and excused it as boys will be boys... again... speak for yourself. I know lots of men out there who are nothing like you described yourself in this forum... SO0 once again ill repeat myself so youll understand..... SPEAK FOR YOURSELF AND STOP BLAMING YOUR "BIOLOGY"

 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 122
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 12:38:02 PM
The third - the one I mention who I talk with only online - lives in Texas now anyway.

So... seeing her in person any ol' time you want isn't even an option so the claims about not being able to see her in person due to the inner conflict of continued sexual attraction was all bullsh**. BTW, misrepresenting things is a classic NPD trait.

Since my attraction to her was always very strong, she hurt me a real lot by multiple cheating,

So... your member isn't talented enuf to keep a woman satisfied and you have no self-respect (which, oddly enuf, is why narcissists overcompensate with alotta false bravado and macho bullsh**) so your lil' head overrides your common sense that says leave that community ho alone, but you see that as a perfectly healthy and natural sex drive. Also, placing blame on others is a classic NPD trait.

I don't have feelings for others according to you

That's not what I said. See the above about misrepresentation.

because you diagnosed me with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

More misrepresentation. Seeing a pattern yet?

Well thank you for your evaluation based upon thinking that I am doing what you did in the past and my situation is so similar to yours, which it is not.

My opinion in no way equates your behavior with mine. I wouldn't draw similarities where I don't see them. I mentioned my past cuz you asked me to justify my opinions which are based upon my personal experiences. I am not a narcissist. I was married to one for 12 years and know the drill.

The thing is, you don't know me that well and are basing what I am doing and who I must be by an underlying assumption about what you think my personality must be.

First of all, I can't base what you do or who you must be. Only you can do that. I can form an opinion based on the information you provide coupled with my own experience and knowledge. I have no underlying assumption about you. It is an opinion and I've been quite vocal about it so there's no 'underlying' about it. It may be inaccurate. That's why it's called an opinion and not a fact or law of science.

You are evaluating me for a disorder which someone does not have a place to, unless they have a medical degree.

That only applies if I'm treating you or stayed at a Holiday Inn last night. I have the place (right) to give my opinion. If you don't like my opinion, don't read it or STFU and quit giving me ammo every time you open your pie hole.

I am sure you would show more compassion for someone you suspected did have such a disorder.

Narcissists don't need compassion. They already play upon people's emotions and sympathy (which is what you're doing with that statement, BTW). What they need is a good, strong kick in the a**; someone to call em on the bullsh**. Welcome to Reality Therapy, dude.

according to you, my denial of your evaluation is a confirmation of my Narcissism. How convenient

Another misrepresentation.

I'm not disclosing anymore details on this relationship for public discussion. But thank you to all those who contributed and helping me think this through.

Ah! The classic "take-my-marbles-and-go-home" ploy. Why are you thanking everyone? You disagreed with everyone's assessment. In fact, I was your strongest (if not only) defender for a brief period. Then you did as your lil' head d*** well pleased anyway.

It is also becoming less of an issue.
vs.
So it's not an issue anymore
(2 sentences later, in the same paragraph)
Hmmm... well... which is it, dude? Less? Or not at all (zero, zip, nada)? I hope you're convincing yourself with these lies cuz ain't no one else impressed with em.

I have actually been liking her body and looks more now. A lot of my uncertainties are things that came out of the first few times of meeting her.

Interesting... cuz yesterday you said you didn't have any concerns or issues until AFTER you had seen her naked. But I guess that lie was just a cover/excuse when you took heat for f***ing her even tho you weren't attracted to her.

And don't tell me - men or women - that you haven't had similar experiences with people you have dated, and quite grown to like them, body and all.

Actually, that's what several people have been telling you all along. But I guess it just sounds better coming from you. Displays of self-righteous indignation -- another trait of NPD.

and you, my friend, seem quite angry and bitter.

Altho not directed at me, I can't resist the opportunity to point out more NPD behavior -- casting blame and diversion tactics.

What is wrong with admitting faults?

Nothing. It's admitting things you may or may not believe about yourself in order to deny faults others see quite clearly in you that is the problem.

Many men would like nothing better than to find a woman who is not bitter, who enjoys sex for its own sake, and who does not hate men for their sex drive and instead enjoys their attention

Aha! There it is! The ultimate deflection/diversion! Attacking the source of your misery (women) with what you perceive as the ultimate insult -- questioning or flat out denying their womanhood. G**damn those women! If they didn't have those lucious tatas and penis sleeves, you could control yourself and all your problems would be solved. You're sooooo pathetic!

I see there is a common thread here of women who want to respond to this thread because they have had bad experiences with men who have used them for sex.

Baby, I ain't been used for sex since I was 16 years old. I decided I knew the score and would turn the tables on them. I used them. I thought I was so cosmopolitan and savvy.

Then they direct their hate and anger toward me, typifying me as an example of their bad experiences with men.

Actually, they're expressing their distaste about your behavior (and about you as a person in general since you continue to insist there is nothing wrong with what you do/did) cuz THEY wouldn't want or like to be treated that way. And, if all women think alike as you seem to be trying to say, then take a f***ing hint, moron! Do we need to hold you down and tattoo it on your member so by seeing it every day maybe you'll finally learn and grow the f*** up?!

Are you done now? Have you had enough of shooting yourself in the foot and then handing me or someone else the gun and ammo to do the other foot? Do you know when discretion is the better part of valor? Or do you just not 'do' discretion? You've been ragging for so d*** long now I'm surprised you ain't bled to death, b****.
 AbortRetryFail
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 123
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 1:01:23 PM
Windroper, you have resorted to picking apart every single statement I have written, saying everything that comes out is ill-intentioned, ignorant, and selfish, and giving me a diagnosis that you have no place or expertise to give me, which is false by the way. Living with someone who has NPD for years does not make you an expert in diagnosing those who suspect have it, sorry to say, especially in only an online setting. I know my faults and "what is wrong with me," and it's not NPD. But I'll mention it to some important people in my life and ask them what they think of that. And maybe I'll get back to you.

Just like you like to withhold details of your life because you believe it's not relevant to the topic, I will withhold details about myself here. You have resorted to swearing and ripping me apart. You have gone beyond civility, yet you accuse me of being the selfish monster. I know you will deny that statement, but that's the sum total of what you are trying to say. Any credibility to what you have been saying goes out the window when you do actually reveal a detail about you personal life:


I am not a narcissist. I was married to one for 12 years and know the drill.


So you are projecting your hate for your former husband onto me, and saying I must have the same traits and the same disorder. Was he even diagnosed with NPD or was this a conclusion you came to yourself? I believe it could be either one. Obviously you have some forgiving to do. Bad marriages are rarely one person's fault, they are the fault of both involved in the relationship, and you seem to have some loose ends that need to be fixed.

But I do have to remark on a few statements:


[AbortRetryFail:] I am sure you would show more compassion for someone you suspected did have such a disorder.

[Windroper:] Narcissists don't need compassion. They already play upon people's emotions and sympathy (which is what you're doing with that statement, BTW). What they need is a good, strong kick in the a**; someone to call em on the bullsh**. Welcome to Reality Therapy, dude.


Nope, if you were actually qualified to give such a diagnosis, you would show compassion with people who are afflicted with it, rather than hate and anger. You are not a professional. And yes, you are pretty much diagnosing me, despite your denial. You are attributing my behavior to a mental disorder and telling me I should read up on it. That amounts to an evaluation. I never label people with a disorder, because I do have compassion for people with disorders and know I am not qualified to do that, but you have no qualms labeling people with a disorder you are not entitled to label.

Also, the former girlfriend who now lives in Texas lived two towns away till one month ago, and we did communicate for months up till that point.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 124
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 1:55:02 PM

So you are projecting your hate for your former husband onto me,

Actually I didn't hate him and never stopped loving him. He's the man I told you I slept with almost every weekend without benefit of sexual activity. That stopped when he passed away or he still would be very much a part of my life. He was one of my oldest and dearest friends. I loved him with every fiber of my being despite his faults. He needed me and I was there for him, but I called him on his bullsh** too. Since I anticipate you saying he musta divorced me cuz I was mean to him, I divorced him cuz I couldn't risk injury to my children or continue to take financial hits when he fell off the wagon (again). This is not information I've withheld. It's quite well documented in my posting history.

Was he even diagnosed with NPD or was this a conclusion you came to yourself?

Following the divorce he claimed to have been diagnosed with multiple disorders. Since I was no longer his wife I was not privvy to confidential information and had to accept his word until if and when he made contradictory statements. As you can see, I became rather good at it.

Bad marriages are rarely one person's fault, they are the fault of both involved in the relationship, and you seem to have some loose ends that need to be fixed.

I know where my blame rested in the relationship. The only one which is pertinent to this conversation is my tendency to not mince words and be brutally honest. It is both my best and worst character trait depending on any given situation.

you would show compassion with people who are afflicted with it, rather than hate and anger

It is not hate and anger. Narcissists DO have to be called on their bullsh**. Otherwise they manipulate people and situations to their advantage. I have compassion for and, in fact, am an advocate for the mentally ill.

you are pretty much diagnosing me, despite your denial. You are attributing my behavior to a mental disorder and telling me I should read up on it.

I am telling you behavior patterns I see and a mental condition such behaviors have been attributed to. I never told you to "read up." I suggested you look up the definition of the word so you could engage in an informed discussion instead of making ignorant comments. BTW, ignorance means one has not been exposed to the information, not that one is incapable of learning.
Keep on digging that hole with your pr***, sonny.
 AbortRetryFail
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 125
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/7/2009 2:12:34 PM
I did read some on narcissistic disorders after you mentioned it yesterday. While I do have some traits described there, I don't have other important ones, such as an obsession with perfecting oneself or blaming everyone else for everything. It does not describe me. I know damn well what my faults are, acknowledge them and show humility towards people, and yes, one of my faults is stubbornness. Try not to suggest that I have narcissistic personality disorder repeatedly when you mean I am being "selfish" or "stubborn." And don't tell me you are not suggesting this that I have this disorder, when you know damn well that's what you are doing. I am rather offended by the presumption when you are merely reading what I am typing online.

You really want to know what the hell is wrong with me? I have Asperger's Syndrome, which I only knew since last year, but do quite well in life considering my limitations. So that explains my stubbornness and lack of compassion toward people in some situations. And perhaps that's why I come across as narcissistic in writing, as you put it. I do not NPD, as you are strongly suggesting but claim you are not actually telling me I have. You said you are an advocate for people with disorders. And I suppose there is nothing wrong with you other than a gross lack of consideration for people on the other end of a computer with a real concern for a real person, which you attribute to brutal honesty. You know why I posted this topic? Because I wanted to make sure I am doing the right thing for the right reasons and that I do not hurt her. If I didn't care, would I even be discussing this?

So before you diagnose people with a disorder, take a step back, and see if you really know what you are talking about, and whether saying something is even a productive thing to do. You do seem like you can be a kind person - and that you can be downright mean to some well-meaning people as well.

This is all giving me a headache. You win. But thank you for your input. Now whenever someone appears "selfish" and they are denying other people's criticisms, I will call them "narcissistic" if I feel especially spiteful. It's a great new tool to insult people with, and it uses a psychological term so it sounds quasi-legitimate. Calling someone selfish and in denial by using one adjective that sounds authoritative, wow, that's a neat trick! By the way, I have always thought that calling someone selfish is a selfish accusation itself. Think about that one for a bit.
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