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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/7/2009 10:14:25 PM | Greetings:
Ah, Ms. Buckeyegal1963, you are correct, there are always going to be exceptions, and some like you (and a handful of others on PoF) are exceptional exceptions. As I drafted that post, you and a few others were very present in my mind. Even as much as I burn calories I don't think I have ever boasted a BMI of 20. With my eastern european heritage I'm lucky to see 25.
The intent of my post was not to bash any woman or to provide fodder for bashing, rather it was to point out one possibility for why some men selectively choose to "date" well below their peer age. In fact, the first time I heard that rationale was from a woman bemoaning her desire for men in their twenty's while she was in her forty's: her attraction button was stuck on twenty-somthing.
While I know that female metabolism, hormonal changes associated with menopause, and the changes associated with childbirth conspire to make the shedding of pounds difficult, the fact that some women manage the feat means that many more can too. And, on the gender flip side, the fact that a large population of men can keep the weight off indicates that the rest of us can also.
Blessings,
TK
p.s., congrats on your non-smoking success! Have you gone cold-turkey or having some help. How do you feel now that your lungs and blood have been out-gassing for a couple months? TK | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/8/2009 4:39:44 PM | A long time ago I read a post here that, to me summed up the quandry that many of us are beginning to face at this stage of our lives.
It goes something like this:
"At some point in a woman's life she has been in a relationship where she gave her best, but felt disrepected and used for sex only. She is bound and determined that will never happen to her again!"
[On the other side]
"At some point in a man's life he has found himself in a relationship where he gave his best, but felt disrespected and used for everything but sex. He is bound and determined that will never happen to him again!"
I suspect this ephiney may occur in our forties.
just a theory...
Ms. Moonchild48:
And Mr. Levi? You have broken this Cannuck gal's tiny heart! Seriously, I wish you all the best in your new relationship. You are a good man and you deserve it!
Thank you for the kind words and wishes, sincerely!
However, I disagree with the portion of your statement that I bolded. You see, I think you have a BIG heart. It shines through in your posts. As a result, I believe you too deserve all things great and wonderful in your life! Best wishes to you too young lady!
Levi
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/8/2009 4:52:11 PM | Throughout my life I have always been with men around my own my own age, the oldest being 6 yrs older, and the youngest was 5 yrs younger. Whether they were short term or long term, after it ended, I would reflect upon things. What went wrong, what role I had to play, how could I grow from it, etc. Never however, did I think about it being a matter of the other person's age.
If I went by that theory, then I shouldn't even want to date men around my own age. I have never thought "Well my ex was 40, and did such and such, therefore all 40 yr old men must be like my ex." That doesn't make sense to me. Apparently though, I'm in the minority in not having that mindset. | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/8/2009 5:09:34 PM | My only point, I was trying to make is that:
Perhaps many of us, by the age of 40 something, have had enough bad relationships, or perhaps just came out of a long term relationship (30 years, or so), that we have our heels dug in. Determined that we will never repeat the same mistakes.
Perhaps we're hyper-sensitive in a way we weren't in our 30s. And, by the time we reach our 50s we've lightened-up again.
It manifests in people having a chip-on-their-shoulders. A very unattractive trait when attempting to date. Personally, I have experienced this too much in the 40 something women I have dated.
OP, I am not suggesting you, or anyone responding to this thread, are of this nature, but it does exist. I'm sure it exists for men as well, but I don't date men so I can't speak to that side of the issue.
Again, IMO, the way around this is for women to initiate contact with men of interest.
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/8/2009 5:46:37 PM | "If I went by that theory, then I shouldn't even want to date men around my own age. I have never thought "Well my ex was 40, and did such and such, therefore all 40 yr old men must be like my ex." That doesn't make sense to me. Apparently though, I'm in the minority in not having that mindset."
Well your not alone in that minority. The thing is our minority wont be the majority for awhile from what I see so far. One thing you need to consider is the time the people ( both men and women) who come out of these types of relationships take to reflect on what has just happened. Some actully look at things truthfully, and some don't, and yet others don't look at all. I know I won't date seperated or recently divorced women no matter what the age, because more often than not, the amount of time they have reflected is often far short of the actual time they really need to. They are in the here and now and thats how they view it. Some are unsure of what they really want and have to set some type of parameters for what they want in the "here and now" without thinking much about whats is down the road or even if it is the right road to take. | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/9/2009 12:37:24 PM |
keep in mind that most 45 year old women do NOT look like that picture of you in the blue sweat pants and sports bra/shirt.
Most 45 year old men don't look that fit and toned either.  | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/9/2009 2:23:42 PM | I know you weren't generalizing levi501, I appreciate your comments. I had just never thought about it from that angle before, thanks for contributing. I don't often initate first contact here, maybe 10-12 or so since I've been on this site, but just like there are so many threads of men complaining why they get no replies, well my ratio of replies to my messages isn't 100% either. I have to admit that I don't browse profiles much either though anymore, mostly the folks in the forums, none of who are anywhere near me.
Ty itallworks, I've been weight training, working out for years, long before it was even fashionable to do so.
Nope Annie, not all that many do, and that's fine, I don't expect a man to have a 6 pack, although I'm generally most attracted to men who are in relatively good shape, average to atheletic build/weight. | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/9/2009 4:55:12 PM | buckeye,
Thanks for the clarifying response. I guess we can be friends now.
I fully understand a low response ratio. Truely!
Perhaps many men are intimidated by an attractive, intelligent, independant woman such as yourself. For example, Ms. Moon intimidates the he11 outta me! I blush everytime she sends a kind word my way!
Personally, I think we're all looking for a needle in the haystack. I kinda made peace with this idea a few years ago. Decided I could enjoy the rest of my life single, if that's the way it turned-out. Don't want to be on my deathbed wondering why I hadn't enjoy my life more than I had just because I had made finding that "needle" paramount to my happiness.
So, now I see finding an SO as iceing on the cake, not the cake itself. It's made my ride on this world a lot happier!
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. You're an intelligent lady. Perhaps I'm just ranting.
For certianty, I hope you come away from this thread inspired as opposed to depressed.
Know for certian that(this is where I get back to the topic), as difficult as it may be to find, there are similarly age men looking for women of your (and Ms. Moon's) stature.
Ya'll are a prize to behold!!!
best wishes from Texas!!!
Levi | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/9/2009 5:23:19 PM |
So, now I see finding an SO as iceing on the cake, not the cake itself. It's made my ride on this world a lot happier!
Amazing how long it can take to hit this realization. Fantastic attitude Levi
OP: Not saying any of this applies to you - just general observations I've noticed.
I'm finding that it is usually a waste of time for me to contact women in my age group! For some reason ladies on here in their mid forties up to my age always seem to have too many criteria! I'm either too _______ , or not ________ enough! And it seems that many on here can tell that so certainly from a few paragraphs and a couple of pics that they can't even be bothered to find out more! Read/delete and read - never hear back are the most common replies I get from ladies in my age group.
Strangely enough, ladies 10 - 15 years younger or five years or more older than me are more likely to at least want to find out more about me than the pic and profile review. And it seems to carry over into real world also. When out - the younger ladies are more open to conversation than those in my age group. It's almost like they haven't built up the defensive walls or possibly they don't yet have this perfect set of criteria that I must meet in order to qualify to talk with them. So while I haven't given up on, and actually do prefer to date within four or five years of my age group, I've learned to be open to a broader range too.
thoughts on first contact:
I don't often initate first contact here, maybe 10-12 or so since I've been on this site, but just like there are so many threads of men complaining why they get no replies, well my ratio of replies to my messages isn't 100% either.
Ahh - but I bet you get a better reply ratio than some of us poor guys :) (just kidding - I often think online dating is more of a numbers game than any kind of intelligent process. And that almost guarantees a p*ss poor ratio of replys to messages sent) Ironically - after we get enough read/deletes though, I think we get very selective about who we contact too. So you mught want to consider that no matter how dismal the reply ratio - it's like most things in life, you can't win if you don't try.
Regards | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/9/2009 7:10:12 PM | Mr. rheard,
Apparently, we are of like minds.
Your experiences are the same as mine, but you put it more eloquently than I did. Thanks!
It truely brings me NO pleasure to agree that, in my experience, women younger and older than 40-something are more responsive than their counterpart. But like you, it's been my honest experience.
And this...
Ironically - after we get enough read/deletes though, I think we get very selective about who we contact too.
..is exactly what I have done. As a result, my contact:response (ratio) has improved to about 85-90%.
I know I sound like a broken record, but there are men interested in women of a similar age, OP. However, because some of us have been stung too many times, we're reluctant to initiate contact a similar age woman.
Now the record is skipping.
My suggestion is to contact men of interest. No matter the low response rate, you're being pro-active and I personally think that is ALWAYS the better option to resolve any delimma.
just a few thoughts
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/9/2009 8:28:58 PM | | this bit about women letting themselves go needs a comment. i'm constantly seeing women in the 40-55 age bracket that are great shape, good muscle tone and hot. then i see their 18-25 year old daughters, 20-30lbs overweight no tone and a belly bulge. wtf? my problem with the 48-58 age range that i prefer is that many women are becoming grannys that are looking for a gentleman friend. i told a woman once that i didn't want a grandmother type. but if she was active, nice looking, fun to be with and had grandkids that was completely different. she didn't have a clue what i meant. | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/9/2009 8:54:01 PM | this bit about women letting themselves go needs a comment. i'm constantly seeing women in the 40-55 age bracket that are great shape, good muscle tone and hot. then i see their 18-25 year old daughters, 20-30lbs overweight no tone and a belly bulge.
I'm glad you mentioned this. Before I started reading and participating in these forums, I hadn't noticed or thought about an awful lot of this stuff. Since I started reading so many posts about how out of shape and inactive women past 45 are, apparently, I started looking around. I am a high school teacher, so I see young women all the time. Many of my colleagues are also 20 and 30 years younger. And, as I live in a big city and travel on the transit system everyday, I see a lot of people daily. Also,I'm in Europe: many Americans seem to think there is not a weight problem here.
Actually, I just read recently that the EU is concerned about the rising rate of obesity in Europe. Around the world, prosperity these days is causing obesity. The more prosperous the country, the more obesity.
So, back to your point, bugsbro: I have noticed that it is not necessarily the norm that older women are fat and out of shape. At the same time, there are a lot of young women who are overweight, some seriously so. It is also the case that men over 45 may or may not be overweight and out of shape. So, discounting an entire group based on such generalizations is not good use of reason, I think.
And I'm with you: the main thing that is a turn off for me about men my age is their attitude, their thinking like an old person. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but it is a mind set and a perspective that is about slowing down and it being too late for certain things that we have been there done that and now know everything about everything, etc. As if life is a walled in garden and you've been all around the garden, explored it, done everything there is to do there and seen everything there is to see there and thought about everything you could possibly think about regarding this garden. Now, at middle age, you've reached the end of the garden, the wall, and have decided there is nowhere else to go and nothing else to do, and there's a bench against the wall, so you just sit down and relax. Smile and sit in the sun and wait...for what? What a lot of people say is something like "I don't have to do anything more now, I've paid my dues, fulfilled my duties, now I'm just going to relax." Which can mean, now I don't have to continue to grow, struggle, explore, make mistakes, etc. Everything, in fact, that defines life and living.
To me, life is not a walled in garden, it is an endless and breathtaking wilderness.
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/10/2009 7:03:23 AM | | Thanks for your observation, bugsbro. A half dozen years ago I had a FWB who was 41 when I met her. She was a runner and had a fantastic body. She had a 15 year old daughter who was almost morbidly obese at 15. Meeting the daughter was a shock! I could not believe she had come out of her mother's body but she had. There is an epidemic of childhood obesity in this country (USA). | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/10/2009 10:36:25 AM | rheard, it's not so much that the reply rate has been dismal, more like 50-60%, but rather the quality of the replies that I did get back. For example, I remember reading one profile in particular awhile back. It was a great profile...witty, intelligent, goofy and had substance, it had *personality* if you know what I mean, sooooo many profiles are so generic and really don't say anything. So I sent off a message, I did get a reply back saying something to the effect "Hi, you are Hawt!" with nothing else. It was disappointing and I thought "Ugh" and didn't write back.
I wasn't, and am not depressed at all Levi, I was truly curious as to why this seems to be, and maybe a little bit frustrated, but certainly not depressed.
Ismene2,
So, back to your point, bugsbro: I have noticed that it is not necessarily the norm that older women are fat and out of shape. At the same time, there are a lot of young women who are overweight, some seriously so. It is also the case that men over 45 may or may not be overweight and out of shape. So, discounting an entire group based on such generalizations is not good use of reason, I think.
This was my thought as well, if that was the reasoning that some men rule out women in their own age group. I suppose I had just never thought about other angles, that some men weren't having much success, or attracting interest with women in their own age group for various reasons, and have better luck going outside that range.
It's been interesting and insightful, and I appreciate everyone's comments, thank you. | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/10/2009 11:00:16 AM |
it's not so much that the reply rate has been dismal, more like 50-60%, but rather the quality of the replies that I did get back. For example, I remember reading one profile in particular awhile back. It was a great profile...witty, intelligent, goofy and had substance, it had *personality* if you know what I mean, sooooo many profiles are so generic and really don't say anything. So I sent off a message, I did get a reply back saying something to the effect "Hi, you are Hawt!" with nothing else.
I see what you mean - I suspect that my high school drop out nephew could have come up with a more interesting reply than that! Amazing that anyone who survives to be older than the age of twenty could be so brainless as to think something like that is an example of brilliant conversation! It truly amazes me that anyone anywhere close to our age could be so moronic!
I have noticed that it is not necessarily the norm that older women are fat and out of shape. At the same time, there are a lot of young women who are overweight, some seriously so. It is also the case that men over 45 may or may not be overweight and out of shape. So, discounting an entire group based on such generalizations is not good use of reason, I think.
This was my thought as well, if that was the reasoning that some men rule out women in their own age group.
While I can't speak for all men my age - to me, somewhat overweight, minor health concerns, a few wrinkles - these aren't good reasons not to stay in my age group. We all age, some of us don't stay as fit as we should, and most of us just flat aren't as hot as we want to think we are anymore!
To arbitrarily limit my potential partners that way would be just another suicidal dating strategy that could very well leave me permanently single. I do have my preferences, but they are exactly that preferences. Not rules or requirements. My only reason for not trying as hard to date in my immediate age group are as stated before - not anything as idiotically limiting as a percieved bias against a certain age group due to general assumptions
cheers | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/10/2009 3:41:25 PM | | well if your looks and attitude (as written in your response) were prevalent amongst 40+ women, i dont think this would be much of an issue. I THINK, and i'm not saying i know all or that it applies to every 40+ woman, it's more about attitude. i dont want to turn this into a sex topic but in reality, it is. i'm not into "put out or get lost". thats just wrong BUT come on, it shouldnt be like pulling teeth either. | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/10/2009 4:52:30 PM | I tend to look at all women but am attracted to a women that has a measure of confidence, success and a clear defintion of what they want. Age is in the mind, but being 47, I always like to see who is available in my own age range first. I figure that she may have the same relationship goals, be at a certain stage in her career and be about at the same stage in life with children. AND, you don't have to mess with the drama of a younger (20's, some 30's) woman. I love a fun, energetic great dressing hot 40+ year old woman.
JD  | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/11/2009 3:48:05 AM |
I'm rarely contacted by local men in my age bracket. Being 45 myself, I consider 40something year old men to be in my preferred age range. I'm not sure if it's me/my profile that isn't attractive to those men, or if it's a case of men when they hit the big 4 0 preferring women a decade or more younger than themselves.
That would explain why the bulk of my messages are from men under the age of 35, or over the age of 55. It seems to be this way even in real life situations.
I'm not a cougar, I don't see myself dating someone that much younger than myself, and yet I don't find myself attracted to men a great deal older either.
Is this a case of midlife crisis thing? Do some feel that dating a woman around their own age will make them feel *old*?
I wonder why this old saw keeps making the rounds?
Men (well. those that don't have many additional issues) are going to be attracted to women that attract them.
Period.
That's regardless of age,race,weight,etc.
If women (of any age) aren't attracting male attention,perhaps they should look more closely at themselves rather than complain about alleged biases. | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/11/2009 7:23:27 AM | This was my thought as well, if that was the reasoning that some men rule out women in their own age group. I suppose I had just never thought about other angles, that some men weren't having much success, or attracting interest with women in their own age group for various reasons, and have better luck going outside that range.
I agree with this statment as it relates to men who date women older than themselves. Many of these men are not attractive to women their own age much less younger women for various reasons. The men I know who are successful dating women younger than themselves are besieged by women their own age who want to date them wherever they go. | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/11/2009 7:28:51 AM | | You're wrong about that scatterzoom, if you look at the profiles of men over 40 you will notice a higher incidence of age restrictions than in the younger crowd. Age does matter to them, and the women of that age group have noticed, which is why they are talking about it instead of 'why don't 40-something men like blondes' etc. This topic keeps coming up because there is truth to it. Outside of this site I doubt these same men go around asking women their age before they decide whether or not they are attracted to them, it's considered rude. | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/11/2009 7:53:32 AM | Men in my age group (40-50) seem to want a woman younger than themselves. So unless you catch their eye and appeal to that particular man then no often they are not interested.
I have had alot of interest from 25 year olds in the past but I know what they want and I don't want to give it to them..................LOL. I'd rather date someone in my age group  | |
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| Men in their 40's, attracted to women in their 40's?
Posted: 4/11/2009 9:21:53 AM |
I have had alot of interest from 25 year olds in the past but I know what they want and I don't want to give it to them..................LOL. I'd rather date someone in my age group
****snicker**** I agree. I just can't see myself being overly excited about a night of beer bongs and X-box.  | |
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It's just how it works it my little world. Being that I do have age preferences, I suppose I attract what I'm attracted to. JMO 