Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 26 | |
| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 12:04:31 AM | tuanda is right:
Everything moves so fast now..some people want to meet, decide ok I like you from my first impression and then let's get exclusive.. all in the first hour. Then in a month they find out they aren't really compatible.
Yes and I've found people who jump into "dating exclusively" soon learn the aren't compatible... but since they stopped dating others and have entered into a sexual relationship too quickly ("It was chemistry!"), they stick together and try to "make it work". They're dating a few months and talk about getting counseling. In the normal dating world, they would have taken time to get to know one another, continued to date other people, abstained from sexual intimacy... and probably would have stopped seeing each other after a half-dozen dates.
But now.. no. It's as though 1-2 dates = a Relationship.
I often wonder if this is because they have no other options and don't feel like dating-- they just want to be in a Relationship. With someone. Anyone. Today.
Incidentally, I don't know why people assume they're going to be constantly juggling 5 different people at the same time. As if LOL
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 12:15:33 AM | I've tried to go on dates with several guys at once. But it's sooo hard remembering their names. Makes everything easier if you just give them numbers. Or make them wear name tags.
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 12:44:51 AM | Hi OP,
Im with you on this one,i can't understand how anyone can date more than one person at a time,i know i'm in the minority on this one but if you like someone enough to date them,how can you think of dating others at the same time.I honestly think it's just a numbers game for some people but not for me.
You put everything you have to give into the one date and hope for the best not a different person every night of the week,that's JMO anyway,so im with you OP,just keep doing it your way.
very best wishes,
TI | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 1:52:11 AM | I perfer to date one at a time but sometimes that one is not sure so they keep their choices available.
Its not game playing but there are many on here that are very misleading. You go out and think maybe this one then nothing "POOF" so back to the pond you go. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 6:52:46 AM | I just have to sort of chuckle at this post and no disrespect to you OP. I am one of those women who only focus on one man at time and you know most of the time it seems to bite me in the ass. Or at the very least, gets me labeled in some way at which point I say I hope you find what you are looking for.
OP, a lot of people on line play games, men and women. Some of each gender finds it critical to their egos to have a whole line up to choose from; regardless of what they say or write it's rare to find that person who is only communicating with YOU.
I am one of those women who will actually contact a man I am interested in. However, it is a rare occurrence. Last year for me was a banner year, because I actually had a total for the year of 4 men that I was in communication with, all at different times, no overlapping. There were only 4 (FOR THE WHOLE YEAR) that I actually had enough interest in to spend some time getting to know them to varing degrees. After speaking to three of them, I only met one, and the forth I only emailed with. Now do you know how many men contacted me last year? Ballpark, I would say about 80 - 100. Out of that number there were 4 for me. Yes, I have very high standards and I am very selective and I think as much as men say they admire that in a woman some really don't believe anymore that a woman could truly be looking for "the one", "just the one" and practices what she preaches. Again, I shake my head and chuckle.
My last involvement, ended in mid-January (one of the four from last year, the only serious one of the four) and it is just in the last week or so that I have worked up the energy to actually have enough interest in meeting someone to flip through the catalog again. Last night as I was looking at "who looked at me" there was a man I found to be attractive and after I read his profile found he was so funny (at which point he became EVEN MORE attractive) that I might be compelled to steal some of his material (AND THAT IS REALLY RARE) and I wrote to him and he has granted me permission to lift some of his material.
My point in telling you this is, while I do think it is RARE, there are some women who do only communicate with one man at a time and I am sure there are SOME men as well, but I can tell you they are equally as RARE. While these men claim to be looking for "the one" and "a lady", for me, it is always disheartening to find that when you actually take a leap of faith and believe something that someone has written to you only to find out there is always a Plan B or a whole line up of on-line hotties (God I hate that word) that he is in communication with (that on-line on another site proof staring in you in the face is always a heartbreaker) instead of taking the time to get to know "the lady" that he has asked for to enter his life and honoring his word in getting to know her, I completely understand your disenchantment and lack of faith in women, as I find it hard to keep my faith in men for those same reasons. BUT, I do keep my faith because I know there are men like YOU out there amongst the 'playas" of the world who actually mean what you say. OP, keep the faith, you will find her, "the one" I mean.
Now if you will excuse me, I must go and write the funny man back and show that I might be able to provide some material worth stealing as well. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 9:36:31 AM | First point, life is NOT fair. Accept that fact.
I tried the serial dating thing briefly. It was a recent divorcee mentality I suppose.
In the end, I decided I wasn't cut out for it. Live and learn. | |
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dwf44
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Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 33 | |
| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 11:08:19 AM | | Unless two people in a serious or exclusive relationship, then I don't see anything with dating multiple people. Just because I went out on 1 date with a man, that doesn't mean that I would stop dating other people. At that point, I might not know if I'm really interested in him or not. But if we had 2-3 really good dates and there was some potential for a serious relationship to develop. Then I would focus only on him. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 11:47:46 AM | Is this the "getting to know you" stage,or exclusive stage or are we talking about multiple dates in one day?
I admit that i may chat with a couple of girls at the most at one time on here,but as far as dating goes,no just one at a time,its fair.
I once went on a date with a girl late sunday afternoon,she was an hour late and told me that it was her third date for the day,and that the previous guy had held her up etc blah blah.Needless to say,i didnt last long there.I allow the whole day/evening for a date,as you never know what is going to happen,. | |
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Tuanda
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Joined: 8/15/2008
Msg: 35 | |
| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 1:57:36 PM | I think dating should be the getting to know you stage.
Anyone who is meeting 3 people in one day is not dating, they are interviewing.
They are checking out what you look like and asking the basics.
I think interviewing is about getting answers to questions.
You will get an answer for every question but you totally miss out on "being" with that person.
When you allow time for a date, a few hours, a whole day/evening you are intending to be with that person and get to know them.
In order to get to know someone you have to spend time with them.
I have come to the conclusion that all the emailing and chatting in the world doesn't mean anything until you start actually spending time together.
After all anyone can say anything. But being with a person tells you everything.
I also think that people's own perceptions of themselves are very different to how others see them.
Sometimes I wonder if that is not why so many think others are deceptive.
I don't think it is always intentional.
I see a lot of people who are just trying to give off the best impression they can .
But you still have to spend time together to get further into knowing them.
When you declare that you are serious about a LTR, you are goal oriented and focused . But it might appear that the goal is more important than getting to know the person.
I dated a man who was very focused on having a LTR and maybe even leading to marriage.
After a few months I realized that he was just trying to fill a slot in his life .
I don't think it really mattered if it was me or someone else.
I was just the first one to continue down the path with him.
He had such a clear idea of what he wanted...that he couldn't see me.
Then everytime I did something that didn't fit his picture ..we had big problems!
He had no idea what I was about and what was worse is he didn't want to know.
If you are too focused on the romantic part or the chemistry, it can cloud your ability to actually get to know the person and see them clearly. Then you start to notice differences as the chemistry wanes .
For me it is much better to spend time with a variety of men I really like and enjoy their company as we are getting to know each other.
You get to know what makes them laugh, what stresses them, what makes them angry, how they deal with frustration, if they are patient, considerate, demanding, etc.
The good thing is they will actually be themselves over time.
AND they get to see the real me.
I don't like bed hopping , so in the "dating" stage, I'm not sleeping with them.
If a man does not want to date - as per my definition - and wants to go exclusive immediately, I assume it is due to a desire for a sexual relationship asap.
Because, if you think about it, what does it matter who you spend time with if there is no sex involved.
I don't expect them to be dating only me and what ever else they are doing is none of my business unless and until we agree to an exclusive stage.
I have had a lot of fun getting to know some different men and they had a lot of fun too.
Beats the hell out of sitting at home wishing you had something else to do.
IMO, the frustration comes when you have put time, energy and your heart into something too soon and then it doesn't work out and another year has passed.
If the attraction doesn't happen, we have all been dating other people and our "one and only" doesn't create a huge void.
I have wished some well and they went on their way, fixed some up with other friends and have gained some good males friends who are still just fun to be with.
I don't have the fairy tale yet and I have my moments of frustration too ..but there is no huge sense of loss , I have really enjoyed the journey and I have gained a couple of really good male friends. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 2:38:05 PM | the way i see it, if you never give your full attention you arent being fair to that person.
and dating one at a time while not completely stopping mixed signals it does reduce them.
During my time working in bars I have talked to many people who date many at a time and it often comes down to 2 finalists that they cant decide on because they like both of them, I often felt sorry for those people they were choosing between because since there was real attraction on both sides those poor saps probably thought it was going somewhere because they were getting the "I'm into you" signals. so they invested that time and possibly money for nothing. I know if both parties only communicate with one at a time it still might not work out, but at least it would be a fair chance at it. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 5:53:06 PM |
Because, if you think about it, what does it matter who you spend time with if there is no sex involved.
Nice post tuanda.
It seems to me that different people have very different ideas of what dating is, probably depending on their upbringing and/or past experiences. To me, dating is making friends, albeit exclusively of the opposite sex. Nothing more than that to start with. Once you decide that you want to be more than just friends, then you move into a relationship, and THEN it's time to be exclusive. I am extremely loyal and absolutely faithful when I am in a relationship, but until then there is nothing to be loyal to - friends don't expect their friends to have coffee or dinner or movies with only them and no-one else. In fact that would be very weird.
BTW, having a "dating is about making friends" attitude helps to take some of the expectation out of it, and everyone can relax and get to know each other properly. In my experience anyway... | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 38 | |
| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 5:59:52 PM | Yep, this is exactly what I see happening often:
When you declare that you are serious about a LTR, you are goal oriented and focused . But it might appear that the goal is more important than getting to know the person.
I dated a man who was very focused on having a LTR and maybe even leading to marriage.
After a few months I realized that he was just trying to fill a slot in his life .
I don't think it really mattered if it was me or someone else.
I was just the first one to continue down the path with him.
He had such a clear idea of what he wanted...that he couldn't see me.
Then everytime I did something that didn't fit his picture ..we had big problems!
He had no idea what I was about and what was worse is he didn't want to know.
I have seen a number of "couples" do exactly that.
They didn't want the person, they wanted the relationship and that person just happened to be the one who continued with them. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 6:05:45 PM | Hi Mortalez,
I agree with you and my strategy is to ask upfront if I were to start seeing them would they still be seeking other women. They're usually pretty honest and I've found people have varying beliefs. I've waited until I found 1 who says if we meet and click he wants us to get rid of our profiles to give it a chance.  I couldn't date more than 1 guy at a time because I'd forget who I'd already told what etc etc and I reckon it could get very confusing. I think it's sad that people now, generally speaking, do not give their undivided attention to getting to know 1 person. ans it takes more than 1 brief meeting to know usually but we live ina takeaway society that wants everything NOW and won't wait for the possibilities life may bring. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 6:15:59 PM | I never really liked dating more than one man in the past, but then I found that many of the ones I dated were dating others. So, I felt like focusing on one often wasted my time. Also, until we have gone out on a few dates, it isn't a relationship.
If I go out with a man and I'm interested, I'll continue to go out a few more times to get to know him. During this time, we are just dating, nothing more. I might go out with a few other men if I met them at the same time and am getting to know them. Now after a date or two, I usually know if I'm interested/not interested. If I'm interested and the one man is too, then we can talk about a relationship/continued dating. I am not going to keep seeing more than one at a time for a continued period of time, for example, months. But dating is getting to know people. It doesn't mean you are committed or married. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 6:18:26 PM | The first question (subject line) is a great one. Based on the dating preferences of most people I know, I'd say most people probably tend to date one person at a time.
As to your question about whether "you give the respect of your full attention or play games and lead on"; I don't think that's a question so much as a judgement. Dating more than one person at a time does not mean the girl does not respect you, is not giving you a fair chance or is playing games with you. Of course, an open discussion about dating and goals is necessary to determine if she is someone that you want to date. If your goals and ideals are similar enough, then go out and have a good time. Have some confidence in yourself and enjoy getting to know her as she gets to know you. If it's right, she'll say sayonara to the others and make you the only one. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 6:44:19 PM |
I end up getting the fuzzy end of the stick because I was not being judged on my own merits, but instead being judged in comparison to someone else.
Regardless of whether a woman is dating you alone or seeing several guys at once, you will ALWAYS be judged in comparison to someone else. Of course, the comparisons might put you in a better light.
Any woman I meet off of here is going to get my full attention
What do you consider "dating"? If you see a woman once, do you expect her to stop seeing all other men? How many dates does it take?
Dating sites are different from meeting in real life. In real life, we aren't exposed to so many people at once, and the chance that a woman or a man is "talking" to several people at once is less. On dating sites, the emails keep coming--should we stop all contact with others once we plan to meet someone, or should we stop all contact after the first date? What should the "rules" be?
do you give the respect of your full attention or do you play games and lead on?
It should be out in the open. If you know she is seeing other guys, she isn't leading you on. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 6:49:07 PM | | not that i've found. it's the same irl too; it's just that online they have immediate access to the candy store. a man has to be of a mind to even want a single partner to even begin to resist the women he sees, much less the ones who approach him. they might put ltr on here or tell you whatever, but if you look at what they do, they are always scoping for more. it takes alot of strength to get over that fleshly appeal, and many never do. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 7:30:13 PM |
I msg many women who fit my interest, at least a few respond back and I ask for a number or offer mine to that few, usually one responds, then after initial contact I focus on that one
What happens if more than one responds to your number? You're saying one responds so you focus on that ONE. You start off emailing many... what if they all responded or all wanted to meet you, how would you choose? Wouldn't you want to know a little about each of them so you could eventually decide who you wanted to focus on? That's no different than meeting several people in real life and getting to know them while "dating".
Basically you're focusing on one woman because that's what your option is. I think if given more options you would date more. I mean really, if 3 girls responded and said they wanted to meet, who would you eliminate?? And how would you know which was best suited for you without spending time with all of them? First one to respond gets my full attention!~~~?? | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 7:34:23 PM | I prefer to date one person at a time. Unfortunately, the multiple dating syndrome isn't just a female phenom....men are doing it too. I find it frustrating at times because how do you get to know someone if you don't spend time with them. I don't know about others but I can't spend quality time with someone if my attention is being diverted by several different men.
I know I am tired of being some boys option....I want to be a man's priority. So, my new philosophy is when I feel I'm an option I take myself out of the running. It becomes the guys lost opportunity not mine ! | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 7:41:20 PM | I have a hard enough time getting a date let alone serial dating...and before any of you say ya right...try walking in my shoes.
I would rather date one good guy than 100 not so great guys! | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 10:31:48 PM | | yah i do date one at a time, but i do understand why women end up playing the game because there is too many dazed and confused men out there, they lie too much , honesty and trustworthy is a very important part of a relationship and if you are splitting your self up between 2 or 3 people that is not honesty. to me that's cheating. sorry but true. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/4/2009 11:56:38 PM | | I'm not sure how this works as my post disappeared. But I agree that if you are seeing more than 1 person you aren't being fair to any of them. I now ask if they are going to keep in contact with others whilst we are getting to know each other. That's how it always used to be b4 computers! You used to start dating someone to see if you had enough in common to move further into a committed relationship. The internet seems to have developed a whole new form of etiquette which fits into the EVERYTHING NOW! mentality. So sad to see the old wooing ways gone | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/5/2009 1:58:37 AM |
So sad to see the old wooing ways gone
Why is it that people assume wooing has changed, ever?
My grandmother used to talk about her days as a teenager to me when I was a teenager. She simply could not understand why us kids didn't date and by that she meant more than one person at a time. In her day it was expected and encouraged to date as many others as possible. To focus on one person was frowned upon. She was allowed to start dating at sixteen but she wasn't allowed to date the same person more than three times until she turned eighteen. This was to give her the opportunity to be introduced to all the available young men in her area and have many options to choose from. This was typical dating behavior at that time. Competition was assumed as a given and to truly get to the point of going steady took considerable wooing not only on the part of the two people involved but of their parents as well. She met and feel in love with my grandfather while dating others. He would laugh when he would tease her about all the other boys chasing her and the lengths he went through to "win her hand." She was equally adamant that she had to beat out dozens of young girls to "win his heart." They never felt threatened or intimidated by the knowledge that the other had many options and instead went about showing the other why they were the best option.
This way long, long before the internet.. so it really isn't a new internet driven phenomena. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/5/2009 3:40:09 AM | | Dating is the method by which we determine what is attractive to us. The comparison isn't a personal attack against the date. Time is the factor in determining an exclusive relationship and is mutually decided by both parties. Now, if you have a date with a woman who verbally compares you to previous dates...she should be history. That my friend is insulting, unfair and in terribly poor taste. | |
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