| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:56:30 PM |
I have been in the same boat here. But, I jumped ship and swam for shore.
I will not waste my time with women(man) like that. It's just not worth it! And, when it all comes down to it neither are they! I am worth what I give! My 100% undivided attention, and will except nothing less!
Right on.Shoot...I take down my profile and pictures here when I am just talking to a guy I am THINKING about dating....that might seem extreme...but damn if I am going to be a player.I can't JUGGLE...nor can I split my heart or mind in two or three or four.
Call me a fool..........but really.......it's all about respect....isn't it? | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 77 | |
| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 2:01:41 PM |
My 100% undivided attention, and will except nothing less! And if someone doesn't want that? I don't. I personally think it's extreme and do not want someone's 100% undivided attention. I would hope they'd have a life with friends and family and hobbies.
I can't be the 100% undivided focus of someone I hardly know. Do you ever wonder how someone would feel if you are just THINKING about dating him and give him your 100% undivided attention? That to me sounds unhealthy. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 2:05:56 PM | I can only have one friend at a time.
I can only pursue one hobby at a time.
I could never work two jobs, and in fact, can only apply for one at a time and must wait until I get it or am rejected before applying elsewhere.
I'd never be able to have ice cream one night and chocolate cake the next.
I could only have one child, but would then have to get rid of my spouse.
I'll only ever invest in one stock at a time, and never look at others until I sell.
Oh dear, which should I euthanize? My dog, or my cat?
Yes, it makes sense to me!  | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 2:19:11 PM |
Right on.Shoot...I take down my profile and pictures here when I am just talking to a guy I am THINKING about dating....that might seem extreme...but damn if I am going to be a player.I can't JUGGLE...nor can I split my heart or mind in two or three or four.
Call me a fool..........but really.......it's all about respect....isn't it?
I don't hide my profile but will tell anyone that may contact me that I am already talking with someone and do not feel that it would be appropriate to talk to them at the same time. And yes, it is about respect!
And if someone doesn't want that? I don't. I personally think it's extreme and do not want someone's 100% undivided attention. I would hope they'd have a life with friends and family and hobbies.
I can't be the 100% undivided focus of someone I hardly know. Do you ever wonder how someone would feel if you are just THINKING about dating him and give him your 100% undivided attention? That to me sounds unhealthy.
And your interpretation of what I said is obviously an extreme!
It is in reference to dating or possible relationship attention. Not suddenly devote my life to that person. Come on, reality check here... My posting history should be enough to avoid the need to over explain such things to other veterans!
I don't pi$$ moan and complain about the stupid shet! If the other person doesn't want that, oh well. I'm a very good swimmer and have no problem jumping ship. I won't waste anyone else's time just as I won't waste my own.
I want, not need! There is a major difference. I refuse to settle for less then I want or deserve.
My key will only open certain locks, and I know this. So I'm not going to waste time knocking on a locked door, when I know there is one I can open! | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 6:59:03 PM |
I can only have one friend at a time.
I can only pursue one hobby at a time.
I could never work two jobs, and in fact, can only apply for one at a time and must wait until I get it or am rejected before applying elsewhere.
I'd never be able to have ice cream one night and chocolate cake the next.
I could only have one child, but would then have to get rid of my spouse.
I'll only ever invest in one stock at a time, and never look at others until I sell.
Oh dear, which should I euthanize? My dog, or my cat?
Ha! Exactly!
According to that theory, you can only have one family member at a time - two is dividing your time up too much. Having more than one friend at a time is unfair, doin more than one thing a day is too much to handle, and the list goes on and on. Silliness.
You can be into someone while you're with them, and then go somewhere and be totally into another person while you're with THAT PERSON, and you might even be able to accomplish that in the same day. Imagine that! | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 7:27:58 PM |
According to that theory, you can only have one family member at a time - two is dividing your time up too much. Having more than one friend at a time is unfair, doin more than one thing a day is too much to handle, and the list goes on and on. Silliness.
That's not silliness, it's an asinine comparison. Theory? Not even close. It's a condescending comment made to poke fun at people who feel differently about dating.
Then adopt 3 or 4 kids and see which one you like best. The others will understand.
Have the waiter bring you all the specials of the day, taste each one and only pay for the one you like the most. They understand. It happens all the time.
It's not like that can't be turned the other way!  | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 8:17:20 PM | | I absolutely agree with you. I haven't had any luck finding a single guy that isn't constantly "playing the field". And I never seem to get far enough into a relationship to even have the talk to establish exclusiveness. Because the whole time I am trying to get to know the guy, he is out finding someone else!! And your right, that means you get the short end of the stick. And its not fair. I don't even feel comfortable having phone conversations with more then 1 guy at a time. But I guess maybe that is why I am still single. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 8:41:03 PM | | I often find myself asking this same question, nothing annoys me more than spending hours conversating online with someone only to find out they are arranging dates with others but barely make an attempt to meet me. I'm like then why are you even talking to me to begin with. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 8:49:03 PM | I have had men tell me they are keeping their options open.
So it is like this. There are the options then there are the priorities. When ( some )of you guys figure out which it is, let us know because we get tired of setting around waiting for you to call and if you don"t call then we end up setting at home ( alone )
I hate it when a men .....................................................................................................
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/6/2009 11:56:49 PM |
I don't see the point of only dating one person unless I really FALL for that guy. At that point, not only will I stop dating other men, I'll leave POF!
Well, for example, if I'm going to date someone who is dating other guys, she's not going to have the option of ``falling'' for me. It's strictly casual sex. If she wants the option to fall for me, she has to start out dating me exclusively and see where it goes. The first situation will never become the second. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 3:30:21 AM | ^^^abelian says above....
if I'm going to date someone who is dating other guys, she's not going to have the option of "falling" for me. It's strictly casual sex.
This is one of the main reasons I will not date more than one man at a time. Simply because one cannot be too careful when it comes to STDs, etc. Protection is not always 100% safe.
The last guy who wanted to date me as well as keep his options open by seeing others said, "Don't worry. I won't sleep with them." What an idiot to think that a sane, intelligent woman would fall for that line!! He got kicked to the curb real quick, let me tell you, lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 4:26:30 AM |
That's not silliness, it's an asinine comparison. Theory? Not even close. It's a condescending comment made to poke fun at people who feel differently about dating.
So by the time you meet somene for the first time, you're already in an LTR? Essentially, that's what people who feel differently seem to be saying. In the first 1-3 dates it's basically too soon to pair off. Unless of course you don't really care who you date and just want to hurry up and get off the market. Then it makes sense.
Then adopt 3 or 4 kids and see which one you like best. The others will understand.
I'm sure there's a process of matching a potential parent or set of parents with a certain child so that they all benefit from the process. So in the initial stages of adopting, you don't take the first child you hear about...adoption is way too big a deal to not do right before making a commitment.
Unless you mean adopting an infant, in which case the adoptive parent or parents interview more than one expecting mother and get her history.
Have the waiter bring you all the specials of the day, taste each one and only pay for the one you like the most. They understand. It happens all the time.
You can order a different special everytime you come in, or order more than one if you're willing to pay - and the restaurant not only likes it, they'd prefer it, so there goes that theory as well.
I've agreed that dating more than one for an extended period of time if all involved aren't in agreement on it is wrong. In the first couple dates, it's normal to still be talking to others. If you can't deal with competition to some extent, why date? In order to know who's right for you, you have to know who's not. If a person is right for you - others being in the picture initially won't matter. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 4:32:25 AM | Right on.Shoot...I take down my profile and pictures here when I am just talking to a guy I am THINKING about dating....that might seem extreme...but damn if I am going to be a player.
I think what you define as a "player" is misinterpreted. Just because you're just THINKING about dating guy wouldn't make you a "player" if you decided to date a 2nd person.
A player typically dates around and sleeps around at the expense of hurting other peoples feelings usually, sometimes leading the person on.
So, feel free to explore other dating opportunities when you're at that point of only THINKING about dating and just TALKING to the guy.
Think about it, you haven't been even on a DATE with the guy yet, right?
What kills me is a person is labeled negatively or people think its unethical/immoral to explore your options. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 4:38:18 AM |
If you can't deal with competition to some extent, why date? In order to know who's right for you, you have to know who's not.
I am sorry but I am not in a competetive game here. People have feelings and they should be respected. I have a lot more respect for a guy telling me sorry I am talking with someone right now and I'd like to see where that goes, then a guy being standoffish because he can't make up his mind which one of the women he wants to date that particular day/weekend, yet he keeps you strung along because ..maybe there won't be somone 'better' showing up. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 4:44:37 AM | ^^^Yes but if he doesn't know either of you well enough to make that choice, isn't it a bit soon to get to know one woman more than another if he's never met either or has only met them once? I don't consider that extreme competition, I consider that a natural narrowing down process...
Granted I'll never find two or three men I am into enough for the scenario to occur, but if it did, I'd want to know who was best for me out of three men I had attraction to. I'd expect a guy do to the same if he met three women he was really into and I was one of them. *shrug*
P.S. The whole I don't know which to ask out thing isn't a matter of dating more than one, it's a matter of bad planning. Obviously he should make plans and stick to them in any situation. A man could just as easily be standoffish to make plans with you cause he's waiting for his fishing buddies to call for a day on the water and doesn't want to set anything in stone. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 7:20:32 AM | If I go to a party, can I only spend the evening with the first person I meet? Even if I'm not sure they're all that interesting, I have to spend hours with them until I'm certain they bore me to death? Or, if I go to a speed-dating event, I have to leave after talking to the first person in the rotation? Yep, can't talk to or meet anyone else until they've decided about me.
You do it your way, I'll do it my way. I have too much respect for myself to restrict my possibilities too early in the process. It's dating - for the purpose of finding out if we connect and have things in common. If we do, then we can become exclusive and not meet or see anyone else. It would be a red flag for me if someone I hadn't even met wanted me to stop talking to others and stop planning to meet anyone else. It would seem desperate and manipulative at worst, and insecure at best. That's just my perspective on it, of course.
Perhaps if you agree to sleep with me on the first date, I'd agree to be exclusive long enough to find out if we actually have something more in common - but I'd rather not sleep with you until I know we do have real potential! | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 7:43:24 AM | | In my experience, fewer than 1 in 5 women I met ever got past a third date, so I'd want to be ready to meet someone new without having to start from scratch each time. That meant continuing to stay in contact with others and even meeting others while having a second or third meet or date with someone. That's what dating is, IMO. Once we're both sure enough about each other to think a relationship is desirable and likely to work, we can be exclusive and pursue it. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 7:50:15 AM | Well, I fell in the category of multi-dater up until recently. I was talking to and dating several men at the same time. I was open and honest about it with all the men involved.
I did not allow myself to get "sexual" with them however. A desire for intimacy would be my clue that it was time to change gears and focus on one rather than many.
Before you cast stones realize that the men I was spending time with were not focused on quick results. One man I had three dates with in three months. Another I saw twice, and a third I saw once. Neither of those men were moving fast enough to warrant dating them and them alone. The did a better job of keeping in touch with emails, chat and the phone but not a lot of face to face time.
A fourth gentleman came along who had been talking to me for four months with email, chat and the phone. Also a slow mover. He asked me out the first time. Unlike the others though, once we actually met face to face he staked a claim. We went out every week and were in daily contact. Within six weeks I was smitten.
I had no problem stopping the serial dating and giving up the other men once I knew my heart was with this man, and his was with me. I think he felt less pressured in the beginning knowing there were other men showing me attention. It did however get to a point where he emotionally was guarding his heart. It was not until I severed ties with the others that he emotionally gave it his all.
I think whatever your approach to dating, its best to just talk about it early on, and make it clear so if you have different styles you can decide what approach to take and both be on the same page.
Right now, I no longer consider what I am doing "dating". It is not casual. I am in a relationship. We are exclusive with each other. That is what worked for me. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:29:25 AM |
You do it your way, I'll do it my way. I have too much respect for myself to restrict my possibilities too early in the process. It's dating - for the purpose of finding out if we connect and have things in common.
Well I prefer to respect the other person as much as I respect myself. It takes a little more knoledge of respect, but it seems to always be well received!
If we do, then we can become exclusive and not meet or see anyone else. It would be a red flag for me if someone I hadn't even met wanted me to stop talking to others and stop planning to meet anyone else.
If a few weeks is to much time out of your life to give of yourself to focus on one person, then so be it!
Most have said they simply will not date your type, not that they request or demand that you do the same.
It would seem desperate and manipulative at worst, and insecure at best. That's just my perspective on it, of course.
Ahhh yes, the insecurity and the desperate cards have been played. The manipulative card is just a bonus.
Manipulation is about tricking others to believe what you want them too. By using crazy scenarios and insulting the other side. Never really explaining their side, but rather pointing out the faults or flaws of the opponents. ( I'm snickering because you have been doing this repeatedly)
Desperate? Not even close. Desperate people do not know what they actually want!
Desperate people will date anyone and be happy to do it. Not clearly state that they will not accept certain things right from the beginning. Desperate people are easily manipulated.
Insecure people are the ones that are afraid to miss the bigger and better deal. They are the ones that see others as having "red flag" issues rather then them simply having a different way of making choices. Insecure people are the ones who are to afraid to let one in so they spread themselves over several to lessen the threat of getting to close. Insecure people are the ones who are just to afraid of making a mistake so they make no choice at all! | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:51:43 AM |
So by the time you meet somene for the first time, you're already in an LTR?
More like by the time I've finished meeting someone for the first time, I'll know if there's any potential for an LTR. If there is, I just keep seeing her as long as it works out.
Essentially, that's what people who feel differently seem to be saying. In the first 1-3 dates it's basically too soon to pair off. Unless of course you don't really care who you date and just want to hurry up and get off the market. Then it makes sense.
I do care who I date, however I don't need to specify lots and lots of details a potential partner needs to fulfill because I don't rely on a woman for my identity. I can have a partner who is free to be different from me and like different things than I like.
What do I need to know? Is she attractive? Is she intelligent? Does her personality fit with mine? Is there chemistry? What's sex with her like? OK, what else do I need to know in order to consider her for a potential LTR? I'll know how attractive she is, how intelligent she is and have a pretty good idea what her personality is like before I meet her. I'll know if there's any chemistry when I meet her. I won't know if we're sexually compatible until I sleep with her. Beyond that, just how much do you need to know that you can know without actually being in a relationship? | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 9:49:04 AM | Aren't these discussions FUN??? All this philosophical outrage over essentially a non-issue for most people.
We can't even agree on what "dating" is! No wonder there are so many different branches of Christianity that don't get along, and so many kinds of Republicans, for instance, all believing their vision is correct!
Maybe ALL of them are right - at least for the particular subgroup. Or perhaps NONE of them are, and we've yet to discover that elusive truth - whatever that means. | |
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| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 10:20:14 AM | This discussion simply reinforces the idea that not everyone is the same. Everyone has different wants of looking at dating. Is that wrong? Hell no. Only "wrong" is when there isn't honesty.
When I would start dating a girl, meaning I've gotten to know her to a degree on a friendly level and we're going to date now, I usually in my mind see her as potential for a relationship. I don't date for the sake of dating. That's a waste of time in my book. I'd rather hang with friends or be alone at home doing my own hobbies than be out on dates just to have a companion for the night. If I'm on a date, it means I see relationship potential in this woman.
NOW...if exclusivity isn't agreed upon and/or it's early in it all, then I think it's perfectly ok to keep your options open. What if I meet an even more charming girl next week? You can't put all your eggs in one basket nowadays. What if girl #1 ends up not being into me and wants to friendzone me? Girl #2 might totally fall for me and there I found a mate to share with.
As we can see here though, there are plenty who want to keep it monogamous even in the "seeing" or initial dating stages. The trick isn't to complain about the man or woman who's playing the numbers game, but seek out the one who shares your belief.
Just because a man or woman is attractive and single doesn't mean you should be trying to date them or even try to get them into a relationship. In the OP's case, if he can tell in the first two dates that she's basically made him a number and is comparing him to others she's seeing, then walk. If she's holding on to some ex and is hoping to find a copy of him through the OP, then walk. Don't try to make it work. Most likely she'll let you go and move on, but some might rethink because they see you don't need her and won't tolerate her behavior. Shows strength and confidence.
I hate the friendzone.
nothing worse than having feelings for someone who views me as a friend
Again, just because she offers it doesn't mean you have to take it.
When I accept the friendzone, then I friendzone the girl. From that point on she's got no chance of ever having me. It's not a revenge thing, but more showing you will not tolerate being put on a back burner. Friends means friends in my book...not "hopefully will become more". It's why I don't agree with the "friends first" philosophy, unless this girl is showing me real interest, but wants to take it slow. Too many men and women out there start it off thinking it's a good idea, but then lose any sparks because said friend is holding back.
If I really want the girl as more and she's only offering me friendship, then I politely decline and say goodbye. I won't hang with her as she's out with new guys, or hear her tell me how it should be so easy for me to find someone, when it's not. I walk...and have had many women get very childish because I didn't accept the table scraps she offered.
Be strong. Go after what you want and reject anyone who won't be to you what you want them to be. | |
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hip89
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Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 100 | |
| Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 11:48:31 AM | | For me, dating can be similiar to finding a job in some ways. Suppose I had applied for several different job openings. Three companies had responded and were interested in interviewing me. I'm not going to turn down an interview with 2 companies simply because I had already been scheduled for an interview with a third company. Even if a first interview with a company goes well, there is no guarantee that I would be hired at that job. Perhaps the second interview isn't that good, I don't like their job offer, or the company felt like there was a more qualified candidate. As stated by some other posters, I don't like putting all of my eggs in one basket especially when there is a good chance that things won't work out. | |
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