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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/11/2009 9:23:54 PM | Dear DowntownDC,
Your posting literally gave me chills!!! That has got to be it! I mean, that has got to be exactly it! So, he must be in the "hater" stage I read. Geeesh, thank you so much forthe information. I went to each of the websites and read the article. This man has "Many" issues and it is best for me to stay away. However, it is a battle of the heart and mind. I just know...when it's my birthday here in a couple months or a nice sunny day and "he" is "feeling" good or in that "clinging" stage...he will call or stop by or something... I try my hardest to not answer the phone or ignore the roses, but I somehow allow myself to get lured back in. ONCE, I am in, I soon feel that "walking on eggshells" feeling. It has been this way for years!! It is a vicious cycle and hard to STOP. When I read the part about them being compassionate and caring and then one day they just SHUT OFF and shut you off...Thank you so much. This has really helped. Are you sure all you study is the economy? lol. I read you are an economist. Just wondering if you had a doctor degree or something! lol :) Thanks again, have a good day.
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/11/2009 11:31:36 PM | OP, I am glad you found the BPD websites helpful. I caution, however, that we will never know if your ex's BPD traits are sufficiently strong that a psychologist actually would give that label to his behavior. Diagnosis must remain the province of professionals. Yet, by learning what the nine traits of the illness are, you have greatly strengthened your ability to determine whether his behavior exhibits BPD traits so strongly that he would be a poor choice for a LTR.
Another caution I should make is that, because you chose to return to your ex "at least five times" over six years, you likely have aspects of codependence in your personality (as I do) and thus derive too much of your sense of self value from your efforts to help others, even to your own detriment. If so, then you are a sitting duck for BPD-type personalities. Hence, even if you don't return to your ex, you are in danger of being drawn to another man just like him. For that reason, the BPD websites you visited will offer advice on how to strengthen your personal boundaries and reduce your codependent traits.
In other posts here at PoF, I explain why BPD-type relationships typically last either 18 months or 15 years. If you would like to read that post, simply click on my "History" to the left and under my name. I mention it only because you may have been headed for the 15 years, as was the case for me. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/12/2009 4:57:35 PM | DowntownDC,
Again, thank you for your help and information! I did read a lot, if not all of your other posts. The last time this relationship ended, he didn't say a word that he wanted to break up. So, I came over all happy to see him one day( because he said to come over anytime, no need to call) and I barely even got out of my car....WHEN he came storming out of his house and said, "Please leave, I just want to be alone. Do you want me to call the police, is this how you want to do this?!" I was so baffled! I had no idea what to say or do! I actually started laughing, thinking he was joking. Well, it was NO joke, that's for sure. This helps clarify what you pointed out in your other posts. It's that "hater" phase... I didn't even know there was such a thing as BPD. Thank you for the information. All I know, is I will do whatever it takes to get out of this vicious cycle. {Another caution I should make is that, because you chose to return to your ex "at least five times" over six years, you likely have aspects of codependence in your personality (as I do) and thus derive too much of your sense of self value from your efforts to help others, even to your own detriment.} Your post here, was very important for me. I think I may have a codependence personality. I do put myself last in order to help someone else. I sometimes don't even care about me and my needs, if it meant I was helping him!! OH NO! OH MY! Do you think I will and can break this cycle? I don't think I will ever EVER tell him this is what I think he has, but I will sure try my hardest to RUN the other way!! This has gone on too long and I am literally burned out, I shouldn't be this burned out at my age either. You are right, it is like getting hit by a car over and over! A nice classy, charming, beautiful car and then it just runs you over! lol. Thank you so much. I am now a member of BPD. :)  | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/12/2009 5:51:31 PM | | I got out of a 7 year realtionship I am only 26 she was my true love she always will be but you have to move on. You surround yourself with friends and trust me It can be tough especially if all your friends have g/f b/f husbands and wives. I think about her sometimes but I have moved on she taught me how to love and I'll always be grateful for that now I am 26 I am bald lol but I am not scared I am the most open minded guy I got a great humour I might not be the best looking guy but I am not worried you shouldnt be either I know its a lot of years wasted I think that too. I think oh why couldnt have my relationship ended 3 years earlier I would have been younger and not after 7 but dont worry you will find someone new they will not replace him and he will always be part of you but you gotta to believe there is sombody else there for you wow im starting to sound like dr phil lol hope this helps | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/12/2009 6:40:57 PM | Hello Outgoing guy101,
LOL, I love Dr. Phil anyways, so it's okay if you sound like him! :) Yes, I do believe there is someone else outthere for me. It is just the realization that it is "final". That even if it couldn't be final, that is HAS to be final. You are right, it has been a lot of years. I am thankful for all the memories, it is just hard for me to say Good bye forever. That is basically what needs to happen. I have faith that there is someone out there for both of us that will reciprocate the love we have given and it will be a happy, healthy relationship. I want to start fresh and new. It is hard though when you have cared so deeply. Thank you for your post. Should I call you Dr. Phil now? lol. Have a good day!  | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/12/2009 7:50:04 PM | OP ,i'am not saying this is whats happening ,but theres a really interesting post
in the forums callad......"gas lighting" , it opened my eyes,like i said ,it was interesting. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/12/2009 9:03:21 PM | baraboom,
Thanks! I checked it out and wow, definitely an eye opener! Thank for letting me check that out. Amazing how so many other ppl go thru the same things. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 9/19/2009 8:42:58 PM | Hey Lady,
5 times in 6 years isn't bad. try 6 times in 6 months. same thing. think he's bipolar. loving and caring, I want you i love you...to i don't love you don't touch me. This last time is the last time though. i can't ride the ride anymore. i love him so much, but when his excuses vary from "the feeling faded away' "my taekwondo coach doesn't like you" and my favorite"your not my dead ex-girlfriend"....it hard, but if you learn to let go the emptiness fills with peace. and believe me, its hard. cuz every man i meet gets compared to him and none of them kiss like him, or have that electricity! none of them take my breath away! its damn hard. i just give up. I know you're supposed to fight for what you love, but when you're the only one fighting...its not fair, ya know? | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 9/19/2009 9:43:37 PM | If a professional has diagnosed you bf with depression, then the bad times will always be really really bad. If you are willing to deal with his mental problem, then you should learn more about it. There are books about depression and living with someone who suffers from depression. In some places there are also self help groups that are similar to AA.
If it is just you saying he suffers from depression, then you should recommend he goes to a professional to get help. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 9/20/2009 3:15:08 PM | | yes, I bet if you read "Why does he do that?" by L. Bancroft, you'd have lots of answers. Great book! Sorry I forget author's first name! Good luck to you in finding those answers-sounds like a tough situation! | |
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