| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/19/2009 8:09:36 PM | A lot of people set their profile to private and remain on for the forums or just don't bother to look at e-mails, etc.
If you trust her, it shouldn't matter whether her profile is up. Yours wasn't deleted as you show a date of August 08, you merely hid it, which she has the option to do, hide the profile so that it won't show up in a search and cannot be accessed except through the forums unless someone is on the favorite's list.
If she is not a forum user but wants to keep in touch with people on the site, similarly, if the profile is hidden she is not going to be contacted by new people and even if she were because she did make an occasional forum post, if she is like me, she will explain she is in a relationship and she is available to chat only.
If you trust her, the existence of a profile should be a moot point. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/19/2009 8:43:05 PM | Agreeing with daynadaze
I think both of you moved too fast, she should move back out or you, whom ever moved in with the other and try dating for a while before you try this commitment/living together thing. Obviously neither of you are ready for this and both of your actions sound really immature. Why on earth did you move in together when there are such serious trust issues? Get to know each other better first. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/19/2009 9:09:54 PM | Rune, my take on this having lived with a man with gargantuan trust issues is that when someone honestly wants to work on this as the OP and his girlfriend are trying to do, it is an ongoing process. His natural tendency in this situation is to think there is no reason for her to have her profile up here but his logic is telling him that if he trusts her, it is okay. My ex had the knee jerk reactions but never bothered to rationalize himself out of his baseless initial conclusions.
I see this thread as asking for help by virtue of other opinions, getting to the point that he is okay with what his head says should be okay. | |
|
| |
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/19/2009 10:02:22 PM | | You should be concerned if u are living together and she has her profile still up. It means she thinks the grass may be greener and is keeping her options open. Even if she deleted it for you she could then get on and make a new one without a pic and only send pics to certain guys so hard to know if she does that or not. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/19/2009 10:19:33 PM | ~OP~ I was living with my boyfriend, he deleted his profile quite some time before we lived together, I did not. He had my password here, his pictures were plastered all over my profile and I clearly stated in the profile that I was living with someone and that I was here for forums. Maybe the trust issues you have/had are the real issue. My bf could have cared less about this silly site. He'd often times read my forums posts, but I don't believe he once checked my email. He'd be in the same room with me when I was opening mail and I don't think he even bothered to glance. I gave him no reason to wonder and he didn't give me an ultimatum about the profile.  | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 7:02:58 AM | saturnisrising...
you said it right in your first line.....
"after a rather quick whirlwind courthship we decided to move in together"
that's the first big mistake you guys made.
you also have to realize that there are MANY and i can't emphasize it enough MANY that love the concept of finding the one of their dreams but where the rubber meets the road, they're just not ready nor do they want to discontinue some of the things of their former lives.
i think someone needs to move out and it's obvious you yourself have become dependent on people on the POF forums to help you figure your own stuff out. why else would you have re-joined like you said to put your question on this forum???
you both have issues and the trust issues were unresolved when you met yet they still remain as you've already stated. you both have lots to work on and should have had these issues resolved before making such a serious commitment of moving in together.
face it, you two are not ready.......you should have just kept it as dating because she will make every excuse not to take down her profile and you're already back here too. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 8:18:32 AM | Well I can say I'm on POF and not looking. Both my SO and myself have stayed on the site and made friends here.
It is however clear in our profiles that we are just looking to make friends.
We met on pof, and unlike many in relationships on this site, neither of us is looking for more that people to chat with or friends with common intrests.
It may take a serious conversation between the two of you to make sure you're on the same page, but at somepoint you have to trust the person you're with, if not ... should you be together at all??
If people aren't reading her whole profile that's their problem... when people show intrests in anything more than a good chat or laugh I tell them to take another look or just keep walking.
There seem to be many people that are open to more than one relationship at a time on this site. I just don't happen to be one of them, and trust that my SO can respect me and 'us' enough to do the same. (no judgement for people who chose to have open relationships... but that is a decision a couple needs to make together)
I can't live my life in the anxious space of the 'what if'
what if he meets someone else online??? he could meet someone else in line at the gracery store??? we can drive ourselves crazy playing that game and drive away the people we love most as well.
Best of luck to you OP, and remember... it's all so much bigger in our heads than when we finally get the courage to say it out loud. As long as your approach isn't acusing her, perhaps a good conversation would clear your head of many worries.
KAT | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 8:35:46 AM |
i think that trust in your partner is paramount to a good healthy relationship and besides whats wrong with opposite sex friendships.
Update; I thought i had found the woman of my dreams but i see she has kept her profile up here. Im wondering what that means? I took my down but i guess were still looking
Very contradictory. I think you need to pick one... which do you truly believe??? Trust her or don't trust her. Daynadaze was right about moving too fast.... It sounds to me like the two of you have jumped the gun a bit. Not because she's still got her profile up...but because you don't seem to believe what you stated about "trust in a partner is paramount to a good healthy relationship". I think before two people live together, that trust should have already been established.
If you trust her, the existence of a profile should be a moot point.
Exactly. If you DO trust her, then quit stressing about the profile.... if she isn't setting up dates and it states on her profile that she's seeing someone, then why are you so worried?? That tells me that you don't in fact, trust her. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 8:57:18 AM | I am probably at the extreme of normal in my life and I'd be doing a slow burn. It sounds to me like you jumped to quick. I am betting it was more financially advantageous for her, than emotionally desirable. I would also bet it was the reverse for you. 
She is still keeping herself on the market, looking for a better deal IMO. If she does not get her decisions in line w/the relationship in a few more days, Dump Her. You'll save yourself much grief in the long run.  | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 10:02:15 AM | I would insist that she take it down if she is getting messages or at least remove her photos and say only in her description that she is living with someone she loves and is not looking for anyone. I would go to war over it in fact.
I don't understand what you mean by her not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings by not telling them she is no longer available.
Does she love you or is she getting some financial benefits from you? Just asking.
She obviously does not feel as though she wants only you in her life. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 10:22:27 AM | OP:
So, in reading, I see it's only been a week since she wrote she'd take her profile down. Now, I see where there could be quite a few logical and reasonable explainations why (haven't gotten to it, watching for a message from someone to say "goodbye", etc.).
So, I am sitting here wondering if you've mentioned to her that you've noticed it's still up, and were curious as to why. Maybe even mention that it makes you a bit uneasy that it's still there, and why it makes you feel that way. If you have a solid relationship, I would think it could handle a calm conversation on the subject.
In my experience, jumping to (negative) conclusion just makes the situation worse, and fast. So I'd talk it out with her. It might be a simple "I'm sorry honey, I hadn't gotten around to it. I'll take it off right now." (And if you're REALLY lucky, that doesn't apply to JUST the profile!  )
Good luck! | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 10:42:38 AM | My g/f knows I have a profile on here... mine also says I'm not looking, taken whatever... she's ok with it... I'm only on here for the forums...
However, if she told me it was an issue regarding our relationship etc.... then I'm gone from plenty of fish.... same day.... | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 10:55:14 AM | This topic has been re-hashed again?
People are on this site for a myriad of reasons, some are honest, some are not.
It really comes down to the two people in the relationship to decide if staying here is acceptable to each other.
I am happily MARRIED, as of last December, and My WIFE has gotten to know a number of my FEMALE friends from POF, since!
If everyone involved is HONEST, there's really no reason to leave!
 | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:26:24 PM | It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks but you. Of course she should at the very least hide her profile.
she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings? Like another wise poster pointed out...what about your feelings? WTF? Dude...
she wanted to thank the men? why? for expressing an interest in dating her? OK..firstly BS and secondly...wtf? sounds like to me she's hedging bets. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:37:49 PM | | YEA I WOULD MOVE OUT AND END THE RELATIONSHIP.... MY EX BF DID THE VERY SAME THING TO ME EVERYTIME WE WOULD FIGHT HE WOULD MOVE TO HIS MOMS HOUSE FOR 2 DAYS AND UN HIDE HIS PROFILE SO HE COULD CONTACT ANY WOMEN THAT HAD CONTACTED HIM AND ALSO SO HE COULD ATTRACT ATTENTION... WELL IF IT WORKED IM NOT SURE I BUSTED HIM ON POF 1 NIGHT WHILE HE WAS DRUNK MESSAGING SOME FEMALES WHILE HE WAS LIVING WITH ME AND OUR NEWBORN BABY GIRL .. AFTER THAT I HAD NO MORE TRUST IN HIM AND THE RELATIONSHIP WAS PRETTY MUCH OVER AFTER THAT. WE BROKE UP LESS THEN 1 MONTH AFTER THAT, HE IS NOW IN JAIL FOR BEING ABUSIVE. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 3:46:09 PM | The man of my dreams just moved in with me and he's so dang secure with himself (you should see how good this man looks..dang!!) he has no problem with me staying on this website to stay in touch with some very special people that I've met on here.
We trust each other with our lives and it will take something a little more extreme than a website in order to keep us apart from each other. He knows I'm here and my profile states unequivocally that there is no chance with me other than talk/e-mail.
Sans | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 3:58:07 PM | | I'e seen a lot of people on here get together adn still keep their profiles up. I have made a lot of good friends here both men and women. it is classified as a dating site but honestly this is a social site where you have the opportunity to meet new and interesting people all over the world. if you choose to use that for dating then so be it but I haven't dated any of the wonderful women I have met on here nor have I dated all of the men that I have spoken to over the years. I first came on here in 2005 and keep coming back for this social need, I don't get out a lot, my husband isn't social(outside of work), I don't work in a profession where I can be social with any of the clients (in my profession, for the most part, I wouldn't want to be social with the clients). Most of my friends have different schedules or have moved away... I have this and facebook to really keep in touch with the outside world. So long as you're both honest and state that neither of you are looking for others I don't see why you both can't enjoy the wonderful people on here. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:25:01 PM | | I think that instead of asking other people...you should just talk to her. I think often times in many relationships, friendships, dating, family, etc...we never really talk to the person at hand...we go to everyone else first and find the person to tell us what we want to hear and validate our suspicions, bad feelings, what have you, which gives us more amunition when we go to talk to the person that the issue is with. Just talk to her, don't be confrontational, she might not even realize that it's that big of a deal to you. Sometimes what's a big deal to one of us...wouldn't bother the other person. Communication is one of the major keys in any successful relationship. Communication and well...Trust. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:32:07 PM | i believe that this needs to be resolved, and it can only be done between you and your SO. coomunicate this to her as you have in your post. ask her her intentions toward the profile still being online. state your concerns. then you need to allow her to make the decision.
IMO, she should have at least gone into her profile and changed it to "not single, not looking". a lot of people, like yourself, are just on here for the forums. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:44:11 PM |
Although it may be a little uncomfortable for each of us, i think that trust in your partner is paramount to a good healthy relationship and besides whats wrong with opposite sex friendships
It's easy for posters to give feelings that do not pertain to their immediate lives. I say sit down with her and tell her how you feel . You made the statement about trust, now go with that and give her time as both of you were two different people not to long ago (being single). Try to work on common interests and never hold back the tongue, unless you are in a hot tempered moment. Then cool before you use nasty words you regret later. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:14:26 PM | | She may be staying on POF for the forums. Give it a chance. Ask her why. How long is something you both need to discuss. | |
|
| still on POF after moving in together
Posted: 4/21/2009 7:23:31 AM | OP, I wont say anything about the two of you living together as others have, but I will say that for me I would have to wait at least until the initial infatuation had pasted before I could make such a decision.
Is this the HS sweetheart that you asked about last month or is this someone new? Does she post in the forums, or does she use it specifically as a dating site? Myself as others here, post in the forums and have made friends all over and concider it to be more of a social site, so for me, I would and have kept my profile on here even when I was seeing someone. At first I hide it as you did. If the relationship goes further, I put a pic of me and my GF up so if by chance someone does come across me in the forums they can clearly see that I'm not looking.
I think you should sit down and have a loving talk with your GF. Don't be accusatory, come from a place of.... "I see you havn't taken your profile down yet. Have you just not gotten too it yet?" What ever you say, say it with love. | |
|
| |
| |
Home
login 
