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 Juste moi Danielle
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 76
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
No, not to me at least. I find it endearing actually...:)
 PrimeWoman
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 77
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Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/12/2009 10:47:15 AM
As far as memory serves me, I don't recall being nervous on a first date/meet.
For purposes of simplicity, let's just lump the two under the same umbrella to avoid arguments over technicality.

My profile and picture portray me reasonably accurately. I passed sandbox 101, know how to comport myself and dress appropriately. I hold no unreasonable expectations and understand that things may or may not lead to further getting together. Just like asking a yes/no question, I may hope for a yes, but am prepared to accept no. Not out to prove anything to anybody.

A level of nervousness I can deal with initially, and I do my best to put the other person at ease-historically speaking, I am pretty good at it. Eye contact while speaking is very important in socializing with anybody as is showing interest in them as a person. If somebody can't socialize on a basic level, that is a turn off.

Msg 61 is disturbing to me, but then again, I am not seeking a date with them.

First, eating is something universal. If you can't eat in the company of another person without being embarassed, there are deeper issues here. Likening it to inviting somebody to observe one's toileting habits is waaaaaaaay off base, in fact, not even in the same ballpark.

Nothing says you have to order spaghetti if you find that difficult to do without embarrassment...same goes for salad.
If you can't eat pizza, or anything else for that matter, without taking a bite that is too large, then you have not been taught properly. Some of us were taught not to eat as if we are a steam shovel. Same goes for talking while one's mouth is full and while chewing food. I, for one, can have a conversation during a meal without exhibiting the masticating process fully or choking on my food.

It isn't rocket science and does not require much skill.
I have yet to encounter anybody from Florida either by birth or transplantation to pick up a T-bone and tear the meat from the bone.

I use flatware in a European manner which is not incorrect, merely different, and makes much more sense to me. It does not make me nor millions of others to be considered a cretin (correct spelling btw).

From wikipedia:
"The European manner is to hold the fork and knife, in the left and right hands respectively, throughout consumption. Once a bite-sized piece of food has been cut, it is conducted straight to the mouth by the left hand. There is no need to put down the knife.

The hand grasp is also different: outside of North America it is considered better manners not to hold a knife or fork as one would hold a pen, but instead to have the handle running along the palm and extending out to be held by thumb and forefinger. This style is sometimes called 'hidden handle'. This method is also common in Canada and other former parts of the British Empire. In contrast to the American method of using a fork much like a spoon (tines up), in this style of eating the tines must be pointed down."

Seems to me, if one needs alcohol to lower inhibitions to the point of entertaining from the bartop (which may get you escorted from the premises...I would find that much more embarrassing than battling errant pasta), and suggest that you will be removing and tossing your intimate apparel, as a first date you might be entertaining, but might reduce your chances of dating evolving into a more meaningful relationship.
Also, I don't want my food or drink to share the same surface that one's shoes or feet are. I'm sure i don't stand alone here.

Last thought on the wine and bra tossing-I can send a similar message of intent, without advertising it to all patrons of the establishment, by eating ice cream served in a cone and save the clothing removal and tossing for a more private venue.

smiles-PW
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 78
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/12/2009 10:56:46 AM
Depends on the level of anxiety.

Don't be that guy who shows up to the restaurant late and then asks your date "Well, should we go in or wait out here?", as that will kind of kill your chances.

If you're a naturally confident man, the whole date thing isn't a big deal.

The best way to judge a person's authenticity is by their behaviour on a first date.

If they're comfortable and they make you comfortable, then it's probably a good sign that they're legit.

It's not so much the "anxiety" that you need to worry about, it's whether you can be yourself completely and be comfortable doing that.

Don't ever stop being yourself, first date or not...........because that person is going to see your "bad side" eventually. The first date is as good a time as any.



 elecbabe
Joined: 8/31/2005
Msg: 79
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Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/12/2009 2:25:59 PM
I think it's quite endearing in some ways. It's better than being arrogant or over confident.

I once met a man for a drink and he was shaking so violently he was spilling his beer all over the place! Bless!
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 80
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/14/2009 8:58:00 AM
^^^^^^^ i can see why, if he wasn't a confident man^^^^^^^

you have quite a formidable body and a beautiful face. it was prolly the poor man's first date after a long marriage and arduous divorce!!!

i hope you made him comfortable!

TOMic
 buteo regalis
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 81
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/14/2009 11:24:30 AM

i'm not for everyone. but i've been a bachelor for about 45 of my 57 years.
I've been a bachelor all of my life. But I certainly haven't dated 500 people.

I guess I'd only really be interested to date people whom I had a sincere interest in. Others may prefer to date everyone.

what do you want me to do? sit at home and watch tv?
I don't really want anyone to do anything. People are free to date or not date, as many or as few, people as they wish.
However, others are certainly free to choose not to be interested in them, based on their serial dating tendancies.



Different people may have different prefernces. Some may choose to try being dating superheros, happilly dating hundreds of people. Others may choose to limit their dating to a few people.
But, I do think that in most cases, two people from the opposite extremes likely aren't a good match. If some guy's eagerly dating hundreds of people, then perhaps he's best suited to dating women with similar serial dating tendancies. While a guy who'd limit his dating to only women he has a sincere interest in is likely best suited to women who likewise aren't dating hundreds of people.

To answer the question being posed in the opening post "Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?"
As a non serial-dater, someone else's nervousness certainly isn't a turn-off to be. I'd actually prefer seeing a date's nervousness to dating an over-confident serial-dater.
However, a confident serial dater may have the opposite opinion of another's nervousness.

I don't know if either point of view is necessarilly right or wrong. But, at least I can hopefully know that I am at least displaying some sincerity, to a woman who'd also have similar sincere intentions.
 Tactix87
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 82
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/14/2009 12:14:19 PM
" if one isn't a little nervous, it kinda shows me that this individual dates a lot, "

That's just an assumption, there are those who just have natural confidence....at the end of the day we're all people so there really is nothing to be afraid/nervous about and some ppl may have that mentality thus eliminating and nerves they may have.

And nervousness as i've been told by other women is cute in the beginning but does become a turn off because if it's a consistent thing it just becomes pathetic and annoying...and some ppl who get nervous tend to get soft spoken which can make a date boring
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 83
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Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/14/2009 12:39:37 PM
Since this has been resurrected, I think a bit of nervousness is flattering, they actually care on some level about how things will go and want to make a good impression, not a bad thing imo.
 green.apple
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 84
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Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/14/2009 12:43:01 PM
Nervousness can indicate many things about a person:

- shy
- inexperienced
- socially inept
- liar
- serial dater ( yes, I'd actually say it's a red flag that he dates too much, not too little)
- person with ( serious) issues
- etc.
 Husbandman
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 85
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/14/2009 12:45:38 PM

Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?


To some it maybe... But ignorance and intolerance could be even more of a turnoff... to some.
 angihcim
Joined: 1/13/2009
Msg: 86
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/14/2009 3:58:26 PM
Finally someone with some common sense!
 summer1993
Joined: 10/9/2009
Msg: 87
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/14/2009 6:38:30 PM
I think just be yourself & act natural. Naturally meeting someone as a blind -sort- of date would most likely make some people nervous. I would be nervous, shy and then relax and then open up and talk more.
 yew4ic
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 88
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 11/14/2009 7:24:03 PM
If I am smitten with a guy at first meeting, there is a very good chance I will say something real stupid. I mean, dumb ass "what was I thinking" stupid.
 angihcim
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 89
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 12/20/2010 11:32:00 AM
Is this a European forum?

I think I'm in love and I'm not nervous at all !

I go into a lunch thinking why be nervous, I'm meeting someone with a bunch of whole new ideas and thoughts.

Doesn't mean I go "Hey your wacked"

Everyone has a right to their oppinions, I just keep mine to myself and listen.
It's always interesting to see what's on a person's mind.
After that, if she is abit overboard, I just tell her what a nice time I had and that I oh heck can't see her again because I didn't feel a connection.

I didn't believe in chemistry but I'm starting to catch up!

cheers
 Blu_Angie
Joined: 11/7/2010
Msg: 90
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 12/20/2010 1:36:54 PM
Being a little nervous shows that you care about what the other person thinks.

Being overly confident/cocky makes you come across as a player or dating pro.. or that you don't really care one way or the other.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 91
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Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 12/20/2010 3:44:18 PM
Doesn't bother me at all. In fact, it's sort of flattering to think she wants me to like her. And it sort of tells the other person they don't have to be perfect, either. I just assume we're both going to be a little nervous at first.

It's interesting to see those who say how completely confident they are on dates, to condemn anyone else who's less than perfect, to dismiss guys who show any nervousness as wussy, etc. That kind of completely black-and-white view of people usually sets off a little alarm bell in the back of my mind. Even the best of us make mistakes. When you won't cut other people any slack, you'd better hope you never need them to do it for you.
 Pilose_Wink
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 92
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 12/21/2010 2:09:39 PM

Even the best of us make mistakes. When you won't cut other people any slack, you'd better hope you never need them to do it for you.


I agree with this. On my last first date, while I wasn’t terribly nervous, I had a little bit of the normal excitement and I went and gave an inappropriate hug on our first greet and never realized it, but seeing as she responded, I guess it wasn’t really a mistake. Not until much later did she tell me about it. So, was it really a nervous mistake or was something else over riding my game? Hmmm. I’m glad she cut me some slack though!
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 93
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 12/21/2010 2:33:23 PM
When I first came on here I canceled dates a few times, before I could meet someone.
It wasn't that I didn't want to it was just that I was new at dating after being a widow for awhile it kind of felt like I forgot the rules.
After which time I decided I would just throw out the rules and do my own thing sink or swim.
I have had people barely look at me they were so nervous. I am pretty good at making people feel comfy though.
I would say that anything in a relationship that happens for the first time is going to be awkward.
If someone can't get over the trivial nervousness that you exhibit than they are not going to be your pal anyway.
 Munchausen
Joined: 11/28/2010
Msg: 94
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 12/21/2010 2:58:13 PM

Why is being nervous on a first date a turn off?

I've been on dates where the other person has been so nervous all they can say is "yeah" and "nah."
Wow, what fun. What a great conversation.

When someone is so nervous that they are a completely different person then it seems pointless to go on a first date or any other date.
First dates (and most dates IMO) generally have 2 purposes.
1. To have fun
2. to share an experience whereby you learn more about each other than you already know.

How long should someone stick around and keep asking you to go have fun if the dates aren't fun, and you don't really learn anything about the other person.
Other than they are nervous around you.

I have never met someone where they are nearly apoplectic with nervous energy the first date and then completely comfortable and open the next.
It always takes time.
And in that time what is being learned? Negative things about the nervous person. Such as they are closed off, they don't really talk a lot, they aren't all that fun (they don't participate or are engaged in the date).

So that makes someone a bad person when they don't really want to be around someone else that isn't that engaged or communicative for who knows how long? Weeks, months, years? And THEN (after an adequate "comfort level" is reached) start determining who the other person is and if there is any actual attraction or interest? In the meantime all dates and conversations are nervous one sided and not all that fun or informative?

When someone is so nervous they are hiding behind a "shell" then they are pretty much saying "I don't care who you are, I only care what you think of me, and I don't want to present myself in a way that I have to commit to, I am more afraid of judgment than looking for a positive experience and common ground for communication."


It seems like it would be kind of sweet and charming to the other person

Only when they are slightly nervous due to excitement.
Not fear because they are afraid of "losing" something by not being the right thing or how the other person thinks of them.

Nervousness due to awkwardness due to doing something you aren't that familiar with (including dating): endearing, charming, sweet.
Sitting back and saying nothing or acting all shy because you don't want to be yourself, is not.

Or IOW IMO (and at least to me) there is a difference between awkwardness and nervousness.
Awkwardness to me implies they are at least trying.
Nervousness to me implies they are sitting there staring at you waiting for you to tell them what to do, make all the first moves in conversation and activities, to drag participation out of them.


if one isn't a little nervous, it kinda shows me that this individual dates a lot, maybe too much, and should allow a little slack for what appears natural...Am I wrong

Personally I prefer someone that isn't all that nervous. It really depends on how that nervousness manifests itself.
To me it doesn't show they date a lot if they aren't nervous. To me it shows they are generally open minded and able to adapt to new situations and new people more readily. That their life isn't encapsulated into a small routine and they are using you (me) to experiment out of it.

It shows me they don't really care if I have anything to "offer" them, that they are there to be there, not to interview and measure me as a means to fulfill something for them, or as a means to drag them out of a shell and fulfill them as a person or fill in what they think is missing in their life and going to cling to me like life itself if I happen to trip something "positive" in them.

That's why (my definition of nervousness) is a turn off for me.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 95
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Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 12/21/2010 6:41:11 PM
One way to avoid the amount of nervousness is to AVOID meeting at a coffee shop. This is the worst place to meet. The tables are child size, very small, and you end up sitting across from the date almost nose-to-nose while asking or answering questions. Everyone I went on felt like a job interview.

Yet so many people think this is the best place for a meet-and-greet. I've never had a good coffee shop meet-and-greet. Also, in many cases, there's no privacy in a coffee shop. The tables are so close together, you can hear every word said by the people at the next table. How can you feel comfortable telling your life story to someone when other people can hear your spiel?
 eastwood969
Joined: 12/21/2009
Msg: 96
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 12/22/2010 8:54:08 AM
I always thought my dad was a nervous wreck when it came to making sure we didn't look foolish to other people and I grew up with this idea in my head that I was stupid and should worry about everything I didn't know the answer to in advance. I would walk into restuarants and think ok where do I stand or do I seat myself. What is the proper order of things.Eventually I learned to say I don't care what people think I am doing this to myself, nobody else gives a shit and when they do watch you as you struggle with your date and laugh at you, if you don't quickly change your thoughts and say to yourself they probably aren't laughing at me and if they are that just pisses me off. The end result is you look at your date with the same mentality. If the thought crosses your mind once that she is better than you than you have lost the battle and she will see you as an undesirable.She doesn't expect you to know everything but she does expect you to at least be comfortable with your surroundings.So always be a little assertive even if you have to fake it.
 Email Tom Now
Joined: 9/17/2010
Msg: 97
Is being nervous on a 1st date really a turn off?
Posted: 12/22/2010 11:26:04 AM
with the woman being nervous it can at first be somewhat endearing.

if it persists then it can be a turnoff or boring.
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