| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 4/30/2009 2:55:31 PM | Things happen in this life and it's not all about us.
People your age are generally in a state of change. They are going to school, looking for a job and may be unsure about what they want out of life.
It could explain what is happening to you. You should examine the possibility that you are smothering them or are too serious for their expectations. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 4/30/2009 4:02:36 PM | | I think from now on,instead of being "such a nice guy",I am going to be a major league A-hole.Maybe than,I will be more popular with the opposite sex. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 4/30/2009 4:17:23 PM | | You guys just don't get it! It is not a matter of being a bad boy, a macho man or an A-hole in order to attract women. Instead it is an attitude that projects self-confidence based on self-acceptance, even if you are a nice quiet guy. This emphasis on being something that you are not will not work because your true self will come through no matter how hard you try to be Mickey Rourke or Sean Penn and many women are not stupid and will able to pick up cues from men that allows them to select suitable mates. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 4/30/2009 4:51:59 PM | I'm not needy, clingy, desparate or smothering. I want and need to be loved just like anyone else. Being nice doesn't mean I don't have confidence. I have enough for the world and then to share some. I also have my own life.
I have been around the smothering needy clingy types. It was a challenge of patience. But when I'm with someone, it would be nice to know and let them know too that I think about them and also care about hem. Hey I give them their space!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know they have a life too.
When did everyone get so GD picky? Maybe after people hit their 40's? I'm not that nitpicky. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 4/30/2009 5:02:18 PM | OP, I'm just going to be blunt here. Forgive me for not having a more tactful way of wording this.
Basically, you're being a p*ssy.
This is the most common thing that gets women to give you the "you're too nice line" and leave you. You might not think you're being this way, but your post indicates otherwise.
If you need proof, look here.....
Things progressed, and my feelings eventually got pretty deep. Now, for some reason she wasn't ever able to fully forget about this one ex of hers who really messed her about, and constantly talked about him. Eventually that became a bit grating, but i tried to grin and bear it.
No self respecting guy will sit around and listen to the woman he is with repeatedly complaining about an ex. You said yourself that it became grating. Yet rather than manning up and saying, "Look, you're clearly not over this guy. Either deal with it and get over it so you can focus on us, or I'm out of here," you chose to sit there and be silently irritated by it. This is not being nice. This is being weak. There is a HUGE difference.
While it's a silly idea that would never come true, There's still hope, because that's all one can do in an unforgiving world of love and dating like we're in today. It's all about being in the right place at the right time anymore. Unfortunately we "nice guys" are in the wrong place all the time.
And if some of you nice guys were more inclined to listen to the advice given by some of the naturals and reformed nice guys who no longer have that problem, you too might be able to put yourselves in a much more successful situation.
But from what I've noticed on here, many of the "nice guys" that are so bummed out about how they're not good at getting and/or keeping relationships are some of the most stubborn people in the world when it comes to actually listening to advice that might potentially help them if it in any way challenges their "nice guy" persona.
Other than that, be yourself. Like my big downfall (people have told me), is I wear my heart on my sleeve, ok fine, so what, I should change myself??? Sure if I change myself and become a biatch, stop caring about people and being 'nice", then I've lost a piece of myself. And once that happens, I would wonder, will I ever get that back again?
What a lot of people don't seem to understand is that if "yourself" is not happy and "yourself" is not getting what you want, then it might be a good idea to tweak "yourself" a bit.
People become so attached to every aspect of who they think they are even if some of those aspects are ultimately holding them back from being happy. But rather than being brave enough to ditch some of their qualities that are keeping them from obtaining what they want, they defensively cling to them proclaiming, "Well that's just how I am." It's very self defeating. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 4/30/2009 10:39:02 PM | Wow these threads never go away :)
DOOR MAT nice guys finish last.
JERKS finish last.
Good men do not.
The difference is self confidence and self-respect. Neither the door mat or the jerk have self confidence. The GOOD man does.
Strive to be the GOOD man (with confidence and self respect) and you'll never have to wonder.
PS: Good book for this issue: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). That will fix your door mat behavior.
Cheers. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/1/2009 12:05:47 AM | | Jarbarian, good insight from you on this issue. Although I've had my share of relationships, I've fallen somewhere in between door mat and good man. I need to be more of a jerk! | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/1/2009 12:07:25 AM | | girls say they want a nice guy but they don't at all. The good news however, is you don't necessarily have to be a jerk. If you have confidence, a sense of humor, you smile a lot, stay well groomed and connect well with people you definitely wont finish last | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/1/2009 5:36:57 AM | | Lol there are lot of woman out there who would love to have a nice guy...... but ofter times we woman dont know what we want or some time the man appear to be nice. I think if a person is nice no matter what they cant change it is in your blood to be nice so dont drift away from it...... they is always someone out there for everyone..... | |
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| Brace yourself this will sting a bit.
Posted: 5/1/2009 5:44:06 AM | Here's the thing mate I know your feeling down and blue right now but you need to understand that you are NOT a nice guy you suck the life out of you partner and well......"Parasites consume their host".
Hence the break-ups. | |
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| Brace yourself this will sting a bit.
Posted: 5/1/2009 6:28:03 AM | Many of you guys don't grasp the fact that IF a woman is attracted to bad boys who mistreat and abuse them it doesn't reflect negatively on the nice guy or indicate that a good man is unattractive or undesireable. Instead it means that there are many women with unresolved psychological issues who feel inadequate or have low self-esteem resulting in their seeking men who also have significant psychological problems! In other words' like attracts like!
So if you wish to be with a woman who is unable to accept being treated well or a good man, which translates into her being problematic, all the best to you. | |
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| Brace yourself this will sting a bit.
Posted: 5/1/2009 2:31:41 PM | Comfort, that is a very good point. The problem with women who are attracted to (and stay with) jerks is that they are MORE insecure than the jerk they are with. That in and of itself is an indication that she is not really an ideal partner. However, confident/secure GOOD men can weed women like that out. A man who is unable to discern a health, confident woman from one who is not -- well -- then he is as much the problem as she is.
And as to the poster who said "I need to be a jerk", you're missing the point. Jerks are every bit as insecure and unhealthy for relationships as door mat nice guys. You want to seek BALANCE. And that is what the book I referred to helps men become.
Well balanced, GOOD men.
Not door mats.
Not jerks.
Cheers | |
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| Brace yourself this will sting a bit.
Posted: 5/1/2009 4:07:24 PM | YOU ARE ONLY 20!!!!
Stop over analyzing teenage type relationships go out and enjoy your life. Most people your age are not ready to settle down or commit to anything. The reason they are acting immature is because they are. Travel, hang out with friends, finish school and real love will find you when you are actually ready for it. | |
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| Brace yourself this will sting a bit.
Posted: 5/2/2009 7:54:10 AM |
And that is what the book I referred to helps men become.
I definitely second this recommendation. I had heard about the book from jarbarian and decided to download it from iTunes. I probably listened to that book about four times before it finally resonated with me.
I liked the book so much I'm now doing private phone consultation with the author. (Fortunately my PPO pays half of that) | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:04:30 AM | Also please remember that the opposite of crazy is still crazy. So don't be a total jerk just because you are having no success with being a nice guy. | |
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| Brace yourself this will sting a bit.
Posted: 5/2/2009 9:43:22 PM |
I definitely second this recommendation. I had heard about the book from jarbarian and decided to download it from iTunes. I probably listened to that book about four times before it finally resonated with me.
I liked the book so much I'm now doing private phone consultation with the author. (Fortunately my PPO pays half of that)
Awesome! Glad to hear that has helped for you.
Now, if I could only get MORE door mat nice guys to read (and understand) the book, we'd never seen another "woe is me" post from door mat nice guys :) | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/2/2009 9:44:40 PM |
Don't be nice. And women wonder why men become bad-boy players. It's true & being bad works
Only for short term, meaningless relationships. For those seeking a lasting, loving, lifetime relationship, being a "bad boy/jerk" is every bit as self-destructive as being a door mat nice guy is. | |
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| Brace yourself this will sting a bit.
Posted: 5/2/2009 10:52:30 PM |
Awesome! Glad to hear that has helped for you.
Thanks! What's funny is that the audiobook is read by an actor, so when I called Dr. Glover for my first session last week, it was weird to hear his *real* voice after hearing the actor who spoke as him. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/2/2009 11:51:20 PM | I recently read somewhere that the reason women are attracted to the "bad boy" is because there father was a bad boy or there trying to unconcsiously heal there father/daughter relationship.
I recenetly ran into one of these "bad boy" types though he portrayed himself as that, he "appeared" kind, sincere, and loving. That guy turned out to be a diagnosed sociopath (psychopath) who was anything but kind or sincere. In fact he was a very nasty piece of work.
Now I steer clear of anyone who's description of themselves is the "bad boy". I would just like who is just themselves and honest. What ever happened to that? People are gonna find out who you are eventually anyway, then there either going to accept you as you are or leave. I'd rather know early on myself. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:02:10 AM | after reading way to many nice guy stories i have come to the conclusion that "nice guys", are men ditched by their women before they are ready to end the relationship. "bad boys" is the guy woman are dating.... while you are still in love with them. and "abuse" to mean the way she told you her ex was treating her!
therefore you could be sure she is telling him what a "bad boy" you were!
peace brother! | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:08:53 AM | People dont break up with people because they are too nice. Women who say this when doing the breaking up are doing a diservice to thier fellow women...it means they dont have the balls to tell you what they are really lacking in the relationship-its akin to 'its not you, it's me'. BS.
Everyone should be nice, it should be the baseline we should all expect. Being nice is not pat on the back worthy, nor will it get you dumped.
You are young, people your age are still in party mode and are not terribly serious about long term relationships. If you are more mature than your peers, you will feel this way until they catch up-but it's not your niceness that is the problem, it is who you are choosing.
The unfortunate thing is, in order to find out who is worthy of you, you need to spend time knowing them. Most times, it will be a waste of time, except for the experience you garner from it. Life lessons.
Make sure you are spending time with quality people, and not users/flakes.
I am exteremely resepectful and I also run into a lot of people online who are not what they say they are. I will continue to 'be nice', and be myself until I meet someone worthy of that. I suggest you do the same. Be accountable for you. | |
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