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| Brace yourself this will sting a bit.
Posted: 5/3/2009 10:47:33 AM |
Thanks! What's funny is that the audiobook is read by an actor, so when I called Dr. Glover for my first session last week, it was weird to hear his *real* voice after hearing the actor who spoke as him.
I've never talked to him but it's good you have taken that step.
What I'd like to know is how you view life and how your life has changed since understanding the concepts. Maybe if more guys read the book too, they'd get a life changing experience :) | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:48:15 PM | You won't always hun' and you sound like a diamond! Just have attitude don't let your guard down so much an give too much away about how your feeling, remember what you have to offer and how rare it is from a lot of your peers.
You don't need a girlfriend it's just for fun take it as that until your ready, your still young and serious it is not... marriage, living together, kids no, takes time years, take a chill pill, have a laugh and get busy with other things the happier and busier you are the more of your own life and interests you have the more the ladies will chase if they see they're not needed as the centre of the universe in your life...
Tell you what too I don't condone violence sweetie but I'd love to see someone, 'chin' your mate!
Good Luck xx | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:18:13 PM | | I agree with you 100%. This has happened to me more than once, including one about 6 week's ago. She just wanted to be friends. Yeah, and 2 weeks later there she is with someone else. One of her, as she said, "friends". Kind of makes you wonder. | |
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| Brace yourself this will sting a bit.
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:19:06 PM |
What I'd like to know is how you view life and how your life has changed since understanding the concepts. Maybe if more guys read the book too, they'd get a life changing experience
I have a LOT of work to do yet, but you caught a glimpse of my insights on the "External Validation" thread I started. But the most important thing I have learned is how to recognize when I am trying to seek approval of others.
I was talking to the friend I was talking about in that thread and said that I realized what I was doing was trying to use her to make me feel good about myself when I was unable to do it myself. It was like hooking up a needle to my arm and giving myself a shot of drug. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/3/2009 7:22:35 PM |
What exactly is it, about someone being genuine, honest, caring and actually decent (which so many people out there claim to want) that causes you to get screwed over?
Part of loving someone, and opening up to them is vonrability. We will eventually loose everyone we've loved, and have to deal with the loss. It's harsh, it sucks, but it's natural. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:31:51 PM | Dude,
Unfortunately, there really is no answer to that aspect of dating since women generally do respect a guy who has a particular "jerk factor" in their personality. It absolutely makes no sense since many of the postings for women looking to date men says something to the order of "looking for someone nice." They really mean someone who isn't too much of a jerk. Honestly, don't be too hard on yourself. Save yourself the headache and heartache and just get a PS3. Trust me, it is money well spent and you will not have to worry too much over constant rejection from people who probably didn't even deserve the respect and kindness you showed them. Just remember that you are not the only one who goes through this kind of thing. Some of the posters take special liberties in assuming that you don't have respect for yourself, but honestly, the fact that you keep persisting shows that you have a will of steel, which doesn't come about with self-respect. So take my advice, get yourself a PS3 or XBox 360 and you will feel "right as rain."
Kratos | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/4/2009 3:22:51 PM | I feel your pain brother.
I just got shoved into the friend box with a chick (23 go-go dancer, very cute, gets tons of attention) who proclaims me as her favorite person, a great guy, she calls / texts 10x a day, always wants to "kick it" and has become my platonic spen every day together girlfriend. As if I'm a gay monk who enjoys such a relationship.
A scenario I am all too accustom too.
This time however I have started to flake on her in favor of another girl, my x-gf. Last night she texts me... wants to come over, ostensibly to smoke my weed drink my beer then sleep on my couch.. the "usual", "sorry, no can do" I text back, "got plans with my x". This drives her insane, suddenly she's jealous and decides to call, 5x in succession. But I don't answer. I let that seed grow in her mind all night. 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am I get texts that she cant sleep, am I up? Again, I have no answer.. I'm busy. At least thats what she thinks.
Normally I'm mister nice guy emotional tampon man who responds to texts right away with kindness and all that..
Today I get a phone call, she wants to come over after work. Fine I say, but I might not be able to hang out long.. this annoys her, I can hear it in her voice "I'm coming over anyway" she barks. I respond without emotion "all good".
It's bull she-it gamesmanship, I'm totally bluffing. My x-gf is in Seattle. Games are not me, not my style, not entertaining any more.. but this time F IT, I'm really F'ing sick of being every chicks F'ing brother / friend. When I do meet a chick that really likes me.. shes fat, desperate, crazy, wants to get married, stalks me, is looking for a daddy for her demented children or suffers some sick & twisted mental disorder.
If playing "the game" gets results this time, so be it. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/4/2009 4:29:21 PM |
If playing "the game" gets results this time, so be it.
You will not be happy with those results in the long run..playing games benefits no one, and keeps real intimacy from happening..now , if your only goal is to get some...that might work, for a bit...women who respond to jerk behavior...most of them wise up eventually...
I wish "nice guys" would understand something...most women do not like or want jerks..they like and want men who are confident, assertive and not pushovers..who also happen to be "nice"? I think "nice guys" often interpret as jerky behavior, just men being men... | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/4/2009 5:31:27 PM | | Hi There......don't be so hard on yourself. You look young and we all live and learn with every experience that we have on this great earth. You haven't done anything wrong and staying the genuine person you are is the thing to do. You sound very mature for your age and more than likely the girls in your life get restless easy. Just a suggestion but have you considered putting all your energy into yourself (education, career, learning new things, etc.) and just dating and staying on the light side until you find a nice girl that is ready to go long term. I think it's the age group and girls that are not ready to be steady long term. Have fun and enjoy life and the right person will find you and appreciate your great qualities! | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/4/2009 8:24:13 PM | Nice guys don't finish last. Nice guys meet and live happily with nice gals. Learn how to identify the really nice gals from the rest and you will find your mate. One thing, learn to wait. Creating a relationship takes time and a few weeks or months is not nearly long enough to get to know if a lady is real or just playing. Even the players want a nice guy. They just don't know how to be with one.
Relax, enjoy life, make new friends, volunteer, play with groups and know that your turn will come. You will meet and be with a nice lady.
Hugs, Elaine | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/4/2009 9:34:13 PM | From my personal experience with things in general (not just women).
Nice guys do finished last in a short sprint.
But they win out in the end on a long cross country! | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 9:15:37 AM | From what I have seen the "nice" guys are not looking for the "nice" gals. At my age, they are looking for that 20 something barbie to parade around on their arm. So often I see their Barbie lie to them , cheat on them and worse and thats just when they are sober. The "nice" guy puts up with it all just for the trophy.
Ive read so many profiles that describe that nice girl they are looking for but it's never the truth. Men need to be honest I have more respect for the 50 year old who says he is looking for someone much younger then the one who lies about it and then complains he cant find anyone "nice" Be honest in what you mean by "nice". | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 9:20:48 AM | A lot of people on here are echoing the same "blunt truth" thing - which does contain some truths, is being put across incredibly badly. There are people here who despite not being a doormat, not letting people use them, and not being weak or unconfident, just get screwed over for no discernible reason.
Yes, in my situation i made a few mistakes, but by no means have i ever been a weak or useable person. I'll happily take advice that is offered here, but outright criticism that's a million miles off will be ignored. Yes, that's arrogant and hard-headed but then that seems to be the trend.
Point is: There are people out there who are genuinely nice people, confident, strong and pretty much everything they should be - but there will still always be people who just take that for granted and use them, no matter what they do. This is the kind of situation i and a few others here are talking about.
And at any rate, if the people giving such diamond advice were any good at following it themselves, they might not be on this site at all, eh? ;-)
Cheers for all the contributions guys. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 10:28:25 AM |
A lot of people on here are echoing the same "blunt truth" thing - which does contain some truths, is being put across incredibly badly. There are people here who despite not being a doormat, not letting people use them, and not being weak or unconfident, just get screwed over for no discernible reason.
I can see why you think that. Some people just end up with bad significant others. People's feelings change, etc. That said, a strong/confident person will not usually get screwed over for no discernable reason.
Yes, in my situation i made a few mistakes, but by no means have i ever been a weak or useable person. I'll happily take advice that is offered here, but outright criticism that's a million miles off will be ignored. Yes, that's arrogant and hard-headed but then that seems to be the trend.
How will you know if the advice is a million miles off without contemplating it?
Point is: There are people out there who are genuinely nice people, confident, strong and pretty much everything they should be - but there will still always be people who just take that for granted and use them, no matter what they do. This is the kind of situation i and a few others here are talking about.
The difference between a GOOD man and NICE guy is simply that good men are NEVER taken for granted or used. Nice Guys can and quite often are.
Good is what men should strive to be. Not "nice". Nice is translated as "door mat". Good is considered well-balanced in that, he's kind when he should be and puts his foot down when he should.
NICE guys don't understand how to be balanced and thus they are often taken advatage of or for granted.
And at any rate, if the people giving such diamond advice were any good at following it themselves, they might not be on this site at all, eh? ;-)
Some good, kind people are on here to help give a boost and lift up others. The last thing you'd want is a group of confused people in need of sage advice -- and no one around to give it ;) | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 11:42:26 AM |
There are people here who despite not being a doormat, not letting people use them, and not being weak or unconfident, just get screwed over for no discernible reason.
There will always be azzholes. You will get hurt. That has been happening since day 1.
You just have to accept the fact that today is today. People can and will change thier minds about proceeding with a relationship. It may not make sense to you, but at the end of the day, they lost that loving feeling. You are not to blame, and neither are they. It just happens....Heck, even people 'happily' married up and leave decades into thier relationships! There are just no guarantees. However, I am more concerned that you tally up all your good deeds and think they were waste of time, because she didnt stay with you. That is not right man! If you do something nice, that is the gift...the gift of giving. If the recipient doesnt appreciate it, or stick it out with you, in spite of it...who cares? You gave your best. That is what counts. The trick is not to punish the next lady, for what the previous one did. If you can carry on, taking in all life has and not end up jaded and cynical, then you've done good. No one ever said this dating ritual was easy.
You can only control your actions...make sure you know the ladies really well before offering the best of what you have to give. Slow down. Even taking this advice, you may still end up not getting the girl. That is just life. We dont always get what we want. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 12:38:17 PM | If you continue to project this, off course this is what's going to manifest. I for a long time thought the same way you do, but have decided to be myself instead of being someone just to get noticed or approved.
At the end of the day people like us come out on top because we have a clear conscience and when you go to bed at night you can sleep easier. Now regarding women, maybe this is true, but do you really want to be with somebody that doesn't appreciate you for who you are! Maybe you should also lay low for a while, don't smother them and let them look for you. Eventually all the women that said they wanted a bad boy or appeared that is what they wanted will start looking for you, because like everything you don't know what you have until you've tried it or lost it.
Right now don't worry about finding somebody and take time for yourself, because when you find that perosn you'll have a lifetime with them and then you're goign to regret not enjoying being single!! Good luck and hang tight!!
Peace out | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 1:18:51 PM | | Why does sex have to be part of a relationship? Lets just think about this.....say you are some kind of BS lover and go for 30 minutes EVERY day. Subtract 8 hours of the day for sleep since sleep is sleeping, and you are left with 16 hours for which a person defines who they are. Somehow that 3% of the day is the make or break of almost every relationship today.....what about the other 97% that guys like Dark hair, blue eyes have mastered? | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 1:23:50 PM |
A lot of people on here are echoing the same "blunt truth" thing - which does contain some truths, is being put across incredibly badly. There are people here who despite not being a doormat, not letting people use them, and not being weak or unconfident, just get screwed over for no discernible reason.
There is always a reason. Finding it indiscernable only means that you have not been able to isolate exactly what it is yet. And 9 times out of 10, it usually comes back to something you are doing.
Point is: There are people out there who are genuinely nice people, confident, strong and pretty much everything they should be - but there will still always be people who just take that for granted and use them, no matter what they do. This is the kind of situation i and a few others here are talking about.
The thing is, a person cannot really be used or taken for granted unless they go along with it. It takes two people to use someone; a person willing to do the using and a person willing to be used. If the second party is not willing to be used, the first party will not have much success and will have to find somebody else to use.
Again, reasons are there. You're just not looking at them.
Also, I seem to see a lot of guys make the argument on here that they are not unconfident doormats and so it must be some intangiable other reason. But many times, the way they view themselves and the way they actually come across to other people are not completely consistent with one another. Sort of like when you play your voice back on a tape recorder. To you, it sounds way different from how you perceive yourself, but to everyone else, this is how you are.
The only reason I bring this up is because you claim not to be a doormat, but your own stories have you exhibiting doormat tendencies.
Just something to think about.
And at any rate, if the people giving such diamond advice were any good at following it themselves, they might not be on this site at all, eh? ;-)
True. But you also have to remember that not everyone here is looking for somebody. Some of us are off the market and merely hang out here for the forums.
I agree that you should never take advice on how to get rich from a poor man. But not all of us offering advice here are poor men. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 2:43:05 PM | ohhh...such a generalization.
All you have to be...all you can be...is you,
If you are a nice person by nature, then you know that, and that's all that should matter.
But when you measure your niceness against some obscure dating maxims and / or experiences...then, it simply means you haven't met the 'striker' yet.
One thing...you'll never get inside someone else's head to really understand why they do what they do. It's their point of view. Not yours.
Don't plod along...just be....because the fact is, most humans want to be with a nice person...I don't think there is anyone alive who wants to be with a Creep.
hang in
Kimbo***************************************** | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 4:29:10 PM | I'll be as flat-out as i can on the doormat thing.
I know i'm not an easily used person. I don't let people randomly mess me about. And i know most of the people i know would agree with that.
I am however, someone who can easily be blinded by my own feelings.
(Pointless background info ahead)
I have lived my life pretty much by my own standards since i can remember. My father left when i was very very young, and my mother has been an alcoholic all my life, so not much of a parent. She always provided and stuff, but as far as the actual bond between parent and child goes, i've never really had in any form.
I would see that as why i think i am quite so keen to find love, because i have a desire to fill that gap in my life. This, i admit, is probably what causes me to be a little too trusting, and yes, when i should take more of a firm stand against something i don't always get it right.
At the moment i feel like what's best for me is not to be concerned about any form of relationship at all, though i'll doubtless manage to end up in a situation anyway..Always the same. When you stop looking for something, something'll find you. I hate that..
So yeah. Maybe i've let people take liberties with me..I haven't got any defense for it, because sometimes, when the one thing in your life that's missing is right in your hands, you'll do most anything to keep hold of it.
I fully expect most people to not relate to that, and just as much expect more people to tell me i'm a doormat and weak and so on. The fact that i'm still here, still confident that one day i am going to get it right, and even now i look in the mirror and tell myself that i'm a fantastic person is all the strength i'll ever need. | |
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| Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/5/2009 5:51:25 PM | ^ I think you give yourself the best advice.^
You may be just a 'boy', but you have a very keen insight into You....
and really, you said it all...like a real man.
You're gonna be fine my friend
Ya got that whole long road stretched out in front of you
Lucky guy.
Kimbo***************************** | |
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