| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:35:30 PM | 79% of the mental drugs taken in the WORLD are taken by Americans; we are drug addicts; when we can't handle life or dont deal with things well we have "depression".
Sorry but I dont buy it; I'm in the medical field and I'm sick of the excuses; one guy cheated on his wife and she took him back because he has a selfish phobia. Is the U.S. this dysfunctional? I think so.
I would NEVER date anyone that claims to have a mental disorder. That gives them the right in their mind to be irritable, high maintenance, cheat, waste money or do whatever they want and all they have to do is say,"I'm depressed".
It's obvious you are so into this person that you are not leaving so the best thing would be to go to counseling and deal with this. if you do stay, get ready for a long bumpy ride. good luck. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 6:31:34 AM | | Depression is a very difficult condition to deal with, both for the sufferer and the people they live and interact with. I don't think we should add to the pain of depression sufferers by further isolating such people by cutting them off from love, compassion and support where appropriate (one of the darkest things about depression is that is a very isolating condition in itself). However, a depressed person, like any other mentally ill person, can act in ways that upset and hurt others, especially if they don't properly understand what they are going through. I think depression is a severe challenge to any relationship, but it should not be an automatic decree the relationship is over. But if someone leaves a relationship where one partner is depressed and they can't cope, that is perfectly understandable. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 6:53:52 AM | | The hell that my family has gone through with a bi-polar sibling would be unbelievable to many. Her husband is an absolute saint and seriously I believe that he has emotional issues of his own. Think long and hard about this relationship OP. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 7:21:42 AM | | Sounds to me that in your mind you are ready to get out of this relationship. If you move in together it will only make it tougher. Read your own post and you will have your answer. Move on Bro while you still can. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 8:33:13 AM | | I was married for five years to someone who was totally blind and suffering depression. On the whole, I'm a pretty easy-going and optimistic person. My big mistake was ever thinking that I could help her get past that depression. I figured my cheerfulness would give her spirits a boost and help her to get a better grip on treeting people fairly. Ultimately, what ended up happening was that her depression began to pull me down. My patience and overall good will was eaten away over time. You're dealing with a chemically produced illness here. Don't make my mistake of thinking that it can be overcome or you could end up suffering from a mentally produced varient. I came close enough to that point that it frightens me to look back on it now. Being totally blind myself, I could be quite happy with someone who was blind or had other physical disabilities. I'm also used to living unemployed and know first-hand that you can find happiness without a lot of money. However, depression strips you of a tremendous amount of resilience. Any short-term victories are oh so fragile and hard-won. One false step and you find yourself right back at the bottom again. You're constantly on eggshells. If you're feeling uncertain about your ability to cope now, I'd have to advise getting out of the relationship. I know just how hard that can be for people of conscience. Even though she was the one who decided we should part ways, it still hurt like hell to end the marriage. Whatever you ultimately decide, I wish you the very best of luck. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 8:58:32 AM | All depends, we all agree we can't fix anyone but ourselves! No matter what the illness is the person with it needs to seek professional help! They have to recognize they have a problem, and want to fix it! And then, such as in the case of Bi-Polar a medication is prescribed......but they must stay on it. Unfortunately denial can come into play...Oh, I'm OK, and I don't need my medication....and they slip right back into it.
I think you'd be ill advised to move in with this person UNTIL you absolutely knew what the actual diagnosis is, what the ramifications could be, and what to look out for!
Then it's up to you! | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 1:44:23 PM | It's possible to have a happy relationship with someone who suffers with depression. But they need to understand it, take responsibility for it and ideally should be able to explain to you what behaviours you might witness as a result of their depression and identify to you when they are depressed so that you know what is going on when it is going on. You need to know that their depression is not your responsibility, it is not personal and that if it is chemical it is absolutely not about you.
My partner is wonderful, my life couldn't be happier and I am generally a very contented and optimistic person. But I suffer from depression and I hit the depths just the same as when my life circumstances were far less bright. It's nothing to do with what anyone says or does, it's no-one's fault and it's no-one's job to try and pull me out or cheer me up. It's like weather, I just have to hold tight an wait till it passes.
The partner of a depressed person needs to understand that whilst the person is depressed they cannot be called upon to make emotional judgements. That part of the brain is flooded out with negative chemicals. Emotional perceptions can be extremely distorted, negative, paranoiac and insecure. It's just the depression "talking" and it's best, in my opinion, to leave that part of the brain alone until the depression passes. Digging for emotional responses "do you still love me?!" is a really really (really) bad idea. It's like asking them to kiss you when they have 3rd degree burns on their lips -- the result is going to be messy, painful for them and unpleasant for both of you.
In handling depression I find the key is mainly the ability to wait it out. The problem a lot of people have is that they think that a feeling of sadness must have a reason and they want to solve it, sort it out. Life-long recurring chemically-based depression isn't like that.
Sometimes, the behaviour of people who have depression and who are struggling to cope with it appears selfish. Sometimes selfish people pretend to have depression in order to get what they want. There is a big difference and there is a big difference between someone who occasionally struggles to cope and someone who is totally failing to cope. Rather than label every person who suffers with depression as a relationship disaster unless they get 'fixed' by medication, it would seem to make more sense to consider people on their merits. If you get involved with someone who is selfish or who cannot cope - why is that? You got involved without knowing them? Or you thought that you could change them? Or rescue them...? I'd not recommend that.
Labels are convenient: labels regarding mental illness are particularly convenient -- clearly the person with the mental illness was the problem, the one who needs fixing, the one who no-one could possibly have a happy relationship with. They are crazy, right?
And yet people suffering depression and bipolar disorder do have long, stable and happy relationships. So, as convenient as the explanation is, something is missing and I think that something is the issue of people getting into relationships with people they barely know and not even seeing the person in front of them, only their expectation of what that person will be like. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 1:49:20 PM | | They way I see it is the fact that nobody is perfect, and you won't find the perfect match..just perfect for you. There is always something wrong with someone, as we all deal with some sort of problem what we possibly wish we could change. Some people are paralyzed, missing limbs, physically deformed in some way or another, or just a negative person in general. Some people have anger or chemical dependency issues, some people cheat on their loved ones, or suffer from compulsive lying. Some people are physically or emotionally abusive, or they have the inability to completely let themselves go in a relationship. I think it's important to realize that we all suffer from some sort of ailment or shortcoming, and we need to really dig dip within ourselves to find out what things we can or cannot deal with. Everyone's situation is different, especially with mental illness. Someone can tell you don't get involved with a depressed person, but that person's experience may have nothing to do with the situation you are dealing with at hand. For example, I'm from the midwest, and most people I know suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. This doesn't mean they are head cases, rather their bodies reacting to the lack of sun. I guess, this is a sensitive issue for me, as so many people around me from the midwest had some sort of depression. It affects everyone differently, and I think it's important to keep in mind, again, that nobody is perfect. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 1:59:34 PM |
Her moods range from just leave me alone to being very snappy at the kids and picking on every move they make.
What makes you think depression is the cause for this? Some people are just cranky and it's part of their character.
If you are hung up on this gal and want to make a go of it, you need to be upfront. Tell her the depression she has does not give her license to be a **** and whatever it takes for her to mellow out it has to happen or you're gone. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 2:02:33 PM | I met someone a few months ago who at the time seemed OK... but she had her moments of negativity, where anything related to work, or just life in general would bring her crashing down. At first I had no idea what it was. She'd be all happy and seemingly cheerful, texting me daily and having a good laugh... and then the same day something at work would just through her off... Oh boy. Towards the end of what I consider the good times a couple of months of knowing her (we were nothing more than friends this whole time), she got a new job. She was having a hard time learning the ropes and just would not be willing to talk, hang out, nothing (or at least with me). And that's when all hell seemed to break loose. She became reclusive, did not want to talk, would ignore my contact, only to randomly or selectively snap back with some hurtful remarks. It's been over 2 months since I've seen her. Same as mentioned before, only goes to work, and from what I understand, the park on the weekend, maybe talks to one friend if that.
The worst part is she refuses to take any medication for her depression (and what she told me also a mild form of bi-polarism) because she "does not want to be an emotionless robot/zombie." It's really sad to think that a person so full of good things gets this clammed up and just unsociable/unapproachable. I had started to become tired of her constant negativity and having to try and reassure her everything would be OK... I learned a lot through this experience and decided to let her go on her be. She has to want the change, and 2 months later it's not happening.
I think getting into a relationship (and that's not even what I had with her) with someone like that would drive me insane from the sheer randomness (or apparently it seems) of her mood swings and irritability and constant struggle to maintain rational thought. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 2:11:02 PM | | as someone who suffers from manic depression i can only say that you cant help those who wont help themselves.i am in counceling,i see a doctor every month and i take meds for it. there are highs and lows to manic depression even with meds.we have our ups and downs but if you truly care for the person then you ride it out.i let pple know up front that i have depression and i struggle with it everyday.so if your looking for the perfect relationship it doesnt exist! everyone has problems,in fact 90% of the population is bi-polar and dont know it.its very common. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 2:17:10 PM |
While I dont know you, you dont sound like someone who can handle the hard times that a relationship brings. She deserves better.
Why did you put the OP down? I'm irritated by the sentence "she deserves better". Just because you stayed with a depressed person for a long time, that doesn't make you "better".
Please stop spread your own judgment on others.
OP. run while you can. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 8:08:40 PM | For most of us who have depression, it can be a struggle sometimes, but not everyone who has it, is affected by it the same way. Some cases are more severe then others. For me personally, dating tends to "perk" me up because it gives me something to do, or something else to focus on instead of the sometimes "bummer" days. But for some people they need meds because it's more severe.
Some folks who suffer from depression can handle a relationship, some can't. But it's not your job to "fix" her. You can't "save" or "rescue" her from her depression. That's between her and her therapist. Some folks like to dwell in their depression, because its easier then trying to get better. But some people's depression is so severe, even with meds, they simply can't get better. Unfortunately, depression is like snow flakes. It touches everyone differently and in different degrees.
It's really up to you on how much you can tolerate. Stick it out with her, and see if a new med or a different combination helps her, or make the hard decision that you need to move on for yourself, and find someone who is more capable of having a regular relationship. I have great empathy for her because I suffer from some depression myself, but at the same time, I don't expect a guy I'm dating to suffer with me. That's simply not fair to him.
If you are suffering too, then maybe it's time to move on. You can be a supportive friend possibly, but if the relationship is taking a downturn, maybe she just needs more time to find a med that works better for her. Or she needs more therapy to try and cope with it better.
I wish we had better advice for you, because you sound like a very compassionate person, but you need to do what's best for you. You can't "babysit" her emotionally forever.
Good luck hon. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 8:50:07 PM | You should bring up the subject of her seeing a doctor about it and getting on medication if need be. Tell her that by not seeing someone about she'll just get worse and more damage will be done to her relationships with you and both your children. Depression is very hard to deal with and can be very confusing to the person suffering. But she should really see a doctor about it because it could be more serious than you both may think.
I hope this helps, good luck! | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/4/2009 9:03:43 PM | OP, I feel for you, as this can be a rough road. My suggestion is DEFINITELY not to move in with her until you figure out what's going on and if this is something you want to put up with.
Some people suffer from depression and other mental disorders. No matter how upbeat you are or what you try to do to make her happy, you aren't going to be able to. She has to do this for herself. She may need some new meds or some more therapy. If this has been going on for 12 years, this could be what a lifetime with her would be about.
Personally, I can't deal with people with long-term depression and other mental illnesses, unless they are very well managed. I have tried, and I don't want to spend my life constantly worried about how the person is going to react or if it will be a good day or bad day, etc. I want to be happy. I know everyone gets down from time to time, and that I understand. But do I want to sign up for a lifetime of dealing with this - no way.
You have to decide this for yourself. If you are already having to deal with this type of behavior, I doubt it's going to get better. Do you want to live your life with a person who is moody and complains all the time? If not, you have some decisions to make. Either recommend she gets more help, or walk away. I know it's hard, but only you can decide. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/5/2009 1:35:04 AM | Thank you everyone for your replies and best wishes.
I went to see her last night and we chatted about her depression and she told me it was clinical depression she has. We also talked about her moods and the way she is treating her child and mine. Dont worry I did it in a restpectful and kind way which said was very helpful. We have decided to hold off on any moving in together until she becomes more in control of her depression. We talked about me going with her to her next counciling session so I can give some perspective on her beheivour, she told me know one has ever been with her to the doctors or the councilor which I find strange as they would only be getting her opinion on how she is feeling and not people who are with her most of the time.
Do you think this is the right thing to do? | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/5/2009 5:15:02 AM | chappymagic,
you know, right now you're in the position to cut your losses and go with your own child(ren) in hand.
first off your kids don't deserve to be raised around this mess.
second off it's you putting your kids around this mess so in years time to come when your kids are all fu*ked up then you'll be the only one to blame here.
from how your most current post sounds, you're a ready and willing partner to jump in and learn how to live with this crap when you should be running in the other direction.
my heart goes out to your kids as i can see you've already paved the path these poor kids will live.
maybe YOU need some counseling to find out why you feel you want to go to her doctor and counselor visits.......maybe they can give you some insight as to why you feel the need to stick yourself in a situation where this woman is going to go through one bout of depression after another, one bottle of pills after another while you're going to find yourself sad, alone, lonely and maybe someday not able to dig your own way out.........this is all sick co-dependant and enabling behavior and actions.........you're really setting yourself up not to mention your kids as well.
good luck, you're going to need it and i think at this point if your child(ren) have a mother that is well and alive, they'd do better with her instead of you because you're walking into some serious crap here..........these poor kids don't have a say or choice.....sad......very freakin sad. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/5/2009 5:37:52 AM | Michael, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have recently ended a long term relationship with a woman who suffers depression and an anxiety disorder. I too just tried to be positive, cheer her up and do what I could to help her. I knew that she suffered these problems when I started the relationship, but I decided that I couldn't hold it against her. When she was in one of her 'normal' periods she was a loving beautiful person
Unfortunately, it didn't take things long for things to change, and when we started living together, the darker times seemed to become even more prevalent. It got to the stage where she would do nothing but stay in her dark place and not even trying to fight it and be there for me. She would just sleep anywhere up to 16 hours a day quite regularly, and leave me to care for her son (a task that I was glad to do as he is a precious little man). She also ended up hating my family, and after no time would end hating any work that she did and the people that she worked with.
I really thought that it was something that I could deal with but as time went on, it seemed that she was dong less and less to try and deal with her illness and blamed everything that went wrong with us on it, taking no responsibility for dealing with it's effects or her own treatment of it. It just got ever so much more difficult to deal with and almost reached the point where I started to hate her for it, especially when she let me down when I had a family emergency when my Father had a very fightening medical incident. I just needed some emotional support and understanding from her. After 5 years of a relationship she couldn't see past her problems and recognise one of those few times when I needed her to express her love to me to raise my spirits. It hurt me very badly.
I really can't blame her for having depression, (it's not like anyone chooses to get it) but her failure to accept her illness, take responsibility for it and do her best to deal with it just drained me of all my energy and even had me to the point of feeling as if my mental health was at risk.
To those of you who think little of me for giving up on a difficult relationship - I really did all that I could to help her, but once I realised that she couldn't get past her problems enough to love me and be there for me in the rare times I needed it, I just couldn't justify the hardship to keep it going in the hope that things will get better.
I know I am flawed just like everyone else, and I am happy to see flaws in others as just a part of who they are and not defining attributes. I just need for that person to still be able to love me and I can accept just about any flaw. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/5/2009 6:02:48 AM | Not sure if I posted here or not. You can support and , dependent on individual circumstance, even alleviate the symptoms a little. You yourself cannot cure it.
But its a rough ride
1 year
2 years, etc.
Work out a cut off date and good luck with this one x
and I commend you for your support thus far
*thus far has an arbitrary limit which should never be under 1 year imo.
edit as long as there is no needy p%ss taking going on, if there is forget it. Its the nature of the person max it as 1 year..and dont make a habit of it as your time isnt infinite. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/5/2009 6:43:16 AM | OP, you did the right thing when you talk to her and offered to go to her counselor with her. Even if you don't ever move in with her, the fact that you where willing to learn about her depression and support her in her therapy will mean more in the long run than anything else. If anything, you will have a good friend in her.
Depression and Bi-Polar disorder still has a negative perception in the eyes of the public. It is very hard for people who have it to talk about it to anyone outside of their immediate circle of family and friends. They try to hide it because of the looks they receive and the whispers that always follow. The fact that your friend was willing to even discuss it with you means that she is comfortable enough with you to trust you with this information.
I feel for you and your confusion. My mother has bi-polar. She hates talking about it, so I've had to do my own research into her diagnoses. I have more respect for her in that she not only had to deal with the stigma attached to her diagnosis while also raising three girls as a single mom.
My advise for you is to research her depression, talk to her about anything you don't understand, and support her therapy. If your relationship continues, that's great. If not, then at least you know that you did everything you could. As some have pointed out, it can be hard and it can wear on you. Know your boundaries of what you are willing to do. And don't be afraid to give yourself "day's off" in order to keep your own mental health in check. It will help.
I hope that this helps you. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/5/2009 12:00:07 PM | OP: Good on you for offering to go with her to see her doctor. It's also wise that you're not going to move in together right now. Both show that you're a very caring, compassionate person, but that you also are considering what is best for you and your children. You can still support her but do what you need to do for yourself and your kids.
As for the people on here bashing the OP, why are you doing it? It's not helpful. At all. He's taking a very smart, caring approach to this and doesn't need people ragging on him. It's time we started treating each other better.
Peace and love to all!!! | |
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