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| get over it!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/9/2005 9:14:01 AM | I can yell at you here. I just don't feel like it. I would expect somebody to say something like that.
Sorry you don't understand how some parents and kids get attached to each other. You suggestion about getting over it - over what? Over my child that I never let go before? Over all this empty space in every day? Over the most important part of my life?
May be, you didn't read the original post.
It was very upsetting that very first night, since than pain yes, slowly has been dissolving in every day's problems and deeds.
However, it is still 60 days to go. | |
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| RE: get over it!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/9/2005 9:41:21 AM | Dear bad_gurl,
First of all - congratulations on finding Romeo - I hope you 2 will be very happy for a long time.
Now as for the 'get over it' comment - I find it very unfortunate, that so many people find a need to respond this way to someone else's pain (whatever that pain may be).
You are certainly not the only one who has done this, go read the Broken Hearts threads if you want to see people being told to 'get over it' again and again.
But do you really think that helps anyone? In fact - do you really feel better about yourself for having written it? Does it validate you as a stronger person than the one who originally posted this thread? I hope not...
Believe it or not, some of us consider one another friends on this site. There will be times in my life that I will need to turn to friends for help, advice, and even consolation - I certainly hope I get a kinder response than yours... | |
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| RE: get over it!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/9/2005 10:03:14 AM | Bad_gurl,
You must not only be bad, but a person of poor judgement. I've read through this thread and telling her to "get over it" isn't advice, it's a little cruel. Shame on you.
Rusfeline, how are you doing now, dear? I know what it's like to be in a big empty house by myself...it's like there's a piece of yourself missing. Big hugs to you, darling! Try not to wallow in your loneliness...you said you were doing some renovations, that's great! Keep yourself busy. Learn some kind of craft you always wanted to learn, but didn't have time.
When you feel misty-eyed thinking of how much you miss your daughter, remember the happiness you heard in her voice.
Although my son has never been away from me for a whole summer, he's been away long enough for me to feel the way you feel. Just remember...this is experience is enriching her! She is with people who love her and she is having a good time! Remind yourself that her enrichment and her happiness and her relationships with people who love her are more important than your loneliness. Don't allow her to pick up the sadness in your voice when you call....it will dampen her spirit and she will feel torn, and you don't want that. I can't tell you how many times I've been on the phone with my son, my eyes tearing up, but my voice is as cheery and happy for him as can be. I don't want him to ever feel as if he can't leave me without putting me into a state of loneliness.
I am happy to support you...what little I can do in a forum, anyway...you WILL be OK and it WILL get easier, and before you know it, she'll be back with all kinds of stories to tell you, and she will be clinging to you like velcro.
Big hugs, sweetie... | |
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| RE: get over it!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/12/2005 12:56:58 PM | >>>>> musicmanpvb
Thank you again and again.
The by bad girl post had really made me upset - but it didn't change anything as far as my feelings go.
In fact, except the words of support I got - nothing helped.
I am home from business trip and it's just as empty as it was. There is nothing in this world that can replace the precious joy of being with your child.
Anyways, I am starting rennovations today.
56 days left.
Hugs, Feline. | |
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| RE: get over it!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/12/2005 1:02:39 PM | >>>>>> Sparklepants
I got first set of pictures from her. Smiles, smiles, smiles. So is my Mom - glowing with happiness. Looking waaayyy younger than her age.
I finally started to believe that I did the right thing - and I don't have to look for excuses why I sent my child alone and never found time from my work or (most importantly) enough funds to make this trip a joy for both of us. Not anymore.
I try to laugh with her on the phone. First moment is the toughest one. I hear her happy voice and momentarily I remind myself how far she is.
Thank you for your support. That's why I broke down and posted this thread more than a week ago - because I needed to understand, where is it to my guilt, or to my huge Mother's love that I couldn't settle at thought of her being away. So, your warm words of support mean the world to me. That's what I came here for. That's what I got.
Thank you and all the best!
Feline. | |
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| RE: get over it!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/13/2005 12:41:57 PM | Hi there, I just read this whole post, with tears in my eyes even! I live not too far from you, in Brooks.
Your post had me in tears! I just had my daughter at my parents in Calgary for only one WEEK! I still had my son with me, but she went, and she's 8 1/2 yrs old. It's sure not an easy thing to do, and while I can't imagine her being gone for a whole summer, I can feel a tiny bit of your pain and loneliness. My poor son was lost without her!
Hopefully the pics of your Mom looking so thrilled to have her there will keep you warm at night sweetie! Keep your chin up! Find a good book, or better yet, go sit in Chapters for an hour or two drinking sinfully delicious coffees while you read a great book.
Go to Banff for a day and spend some time hiking or even just shopping! Take some 'you' time and for once, don't feel guilty about taking it! If you're anything like me, it's hard to take some time for yourself without feeling like you are taking it AWAY from your kids!
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| RE: get over it!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/13/2005 4:23:13 PM | >>>>>> chele74
Dear chele74!
First of all, thank you for keeping up with supportive spirits of others, who found some time to send me their prescious notes.
You right, even a week is a real heartbreaker for parents and children, and their siblings.
Here I am still yet to deal with 56 days... And the fact that it will take more than a car ride to see her.
Anyways, ironically (as you mentioned going to Banff) - tomorrow I am off yet to another business trip - this is one is short, however, it is to Golden, BC, which is surrounded by beautiful scenery, as you know. So - it is something I am very much looking forward to.
I tried new wall paint today - looks gorgeous. I think she will be absolutely thrilled when she comes back...
Thank you very much and God bless you and your wonderful Two! | |
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| Hang in there Mom
Posted: 7/13/2005 5:41:51 PM | rusfeline...
I just went threw this whole thread, I can't even imagine how that felt. The first time my daughter slept over night away from home(and only one night at that!!!) I paced the floor all night, didn't sleep a wink, and on top of that, she called all night crying to come home...needless to say we both were crying all night. (I didn't have a car, and either did my friend, so i would have gone at 3am to pick her up...didn't take me long to get her home the next morning!)
Well, it's almost 2 weeks now and you sound like your holding up pretty good considering. Good for you. and by the way...I'd be in her room too, and probably even sleep in her bed LOL. Hang in there mom. | |
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| RE: get over it!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/14/2005 8:03:09 AM | Awww Feline, I'm so glad you got some good, smiling pictures! She and your mom must be having a ball.
It sounds like you're feeling a tiny bit better. I'm glad, sweetie!
Keep the thought that she's happy and having an adventure. And keep trying to laugh with her and be excited with her on the phone. Even if you have to pretend....fake it till you make it.
More big hugs to you...let us know how you're doing.
-sparkle | |
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| RE: get over it!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/14/2005 11:27:13 AM | wow! this post it so touching and so refreshing.. I didn't let my boys go for long periods of time..just for the weekend to be with their dad, but each time it was like I was going to die. No matter how much they drive me nuts when they are home...i'm empty without them.
for the one who posted and said "get over it" what are you jealous or something..? Why don't you try getting over yourself. People like that who try to give "harsh advice" just dont get it...obviously you've never given or been given unconditional love...all I can do is pray for you that someday you get to know the torture of letting someone you love go...
For the rest of you who have endured this pain...my heart and my hugs and my prayers to you. | |
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| Kids learn so much when away.
Posted: 7/14/2005 3:37:15 PM | I finally got to haer how much my son is learning and how great it is for hom to be at my sisters this summer.
Let me share this short story:
My sister wanted to take her rabbit for matting. She told my son she took it on a "date" and it would have babies soon. My son looked at her and says, "So now it's going to lay eggs too?"....LOL
The poor boy has never been on a farm before and has been helping collect eggs all summer. I guess he just figured all animals laid eggs....LOL. He has learned so much and seems to be having a great summer.
Rusfeline, Just hang in there, the kids learn so much from us, but get a whole new perspective on life when they spend a extended amout of time with someone else.
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| Kids learn so much when away.
Posted: 7/14/2005 9:35:02 PM | To everyone that must share their child through distance -
May your faith in knowing you are doing the right thing for them in the long run lead you through the tough times while they are gone. My situation has two sides to it - first of all I have to now share my 8 yr. old daughter's time with her father through a distance of 400 miles -to my advantage it is only every other weekend at the present time. Then there is the second part - my youngest daughter. I have to share her with the Angels of Heaven. She died at birth almost 6 yrs ago. Honestly, I first thought that is what the original post was about. I found out at 6 months that my daughter had a birth defect that in just a matter of time inside or outside the womb would claim her life. My oldest was a true "daddy's girl" so this was very difficult for me to swallow. My daughter was born only to live for 1 hour and 44 minutes outside of the womb but she and the time I had with her lives forever inside my heart.
I know this really doesn't pertain to this thread - but just know that the joy you will share with your child when they return safely from visiting - will also be a joy that lives forever inside you.
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| Hang in there Mom
Posted: 7/15/2005 4:13:45 PM | Dream_walker223 >>>>>
Thank you for comforting me the way you did.
I remember the first day when I had to let her go - that was her first day of school. I never had babysitters, my Mom and Dad as you know it - so far away. I just managed to live my life and have her by my side at all times and it seemed easy. Of course, my late husband was a great help.
Watching her, glowing with pride as she entered her first classroom, I felt that from that point on I would always have to let her go. That for only three hours.
This time it is a real challenge for me.
I thought I was doing good too.
However, this morning I stopped by a store and there was 11 year old neighbor's girl there.
Something clicked inside and I turned around and left and all the way to work I was sobbing, and arrived with rabbit eyes. I guess she was the filling of my life to the point where I am totally lost without her.
On the brighter side, she phoned when I was already at work.
Full of excitement she reported that they are going on a small sea cruise next day (time difference is 8 hours). She also added "may as well do that as we have no sea in Calgary".
I still smile when my mind rewinds that conversation over and over.
Now I got to worry about sea cruise... Oh well - she was so happy.
54 days to go... | |
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| It is Motherhood.
Posted: 7/15/2005 4:22:29 PM | sparklepants>>>>>
thelostsheep>>>>>
Everyday now, for the last two weeks, I rush to this site to open this thread. At home, at work, from laptop...
This is the greatest feeling to know that you are not alone in your saddness, that so many people think the same way and experienced at some point what I am going through now, and it is absolutely the best way to discover supportive kindness in human hearts.
Just to let you and all other caring souls here know - I read and re-read every post of yours. I need them.
I just wish I could be as supportive to you if you ever needed my support.
Thank you! Thank you for keeping me going!!!
Hugs, Feline. | |
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| After all - that's parents hearts.
Posted: 7/15/2005 4:47:33 PM | My dear >>>yourbrowneyedgirl?
I want to say a lot, but I will try and limit myself to some phrases, that will hopefully make sense, as after reading your post I can't stop crying and I can't stop thinking about what you said there.
First of all, I apologize if by any chance I had given you a wrong idea by the thread name. But it was so true at the moment - I really could not take my eyes off the sky untill I had a phonecall that she arrived safely. And she was literally in the sky.
Second of all... This one is really hard for me... As I wrote in my original thread - I had a terryfying experience of loosing my husband, at the age of 29 (he was just two months older than me, murdered). So ever since - the fear of loosing the ones I love is tremendous. May be because I know now that life length can never be planned, neither can be death scheduled. The loss taught me how to treasure every moment that we have together - with our parents, spouses, children, friends. So, I guess I am still not completely over the horrible and (!) absolutely unexpected loss.
So, may be I was just scared, may be I was exaggerating, - but the truth is - I just can't let my loved ones go. Just haven't learnt it yet.
I mean "go" - yes, for a two month stay. On a plane (14 hours all together form our heck of the woods, Cowtown). Across the ocean. To a different country. To grandparents that have gotten out of their 50's long time ago. (I am a late child.) It's all scary.
What if she hurts her knee and I am not there? That's being the least imaginative.
At last... Children go. Some on a Summer trip, some on a trip of Eternity. But their return path is always to our hearts. We have to keep those hearts open for our precious babies.
After all - that's parents hearts. They never learn how to rest.
I want you to hear my heart saying this, not my hands typing on a heartless keyboard.
Love and Admiration,
Feline. | |
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| After all - that's parents hearts.
Posted: 7/15/2005 5:09:55 PM | >feline....Your fear is real and I understand that too. My daughter was born at 3lbs, I was on my death bed as well when I finally had her. That didn't even cross my mind as I walked threw the hospital to go visit my baby in the ICU...watching her fight for her life, gave me that fight to live my life as well. I watched helpless, but she didn't seem to need my strength, she had lots of her own. Even when i finally brought her home, it wasn't very long before she had another fight on her hands for her life, less than 12 hrs. home, and back in again, and this time, the doctors didn't know what to tell me, except pray.
The first 2 years of her life, I sat and watched her in awe, so strong and so full of fight for life...I would sit for days watching her, I figured if she made it this far, least I could do was make sure she was safe as she slept. I became very protective over that little girl. She has given back more love to me than I feel I sometimes deserve.
Nobody can understand that attachment, that over protectedness parents get when they have seen thier baby's fight for thier life. Her father thoughts I was crazy being so worried about her. And others didn't understand why I never went out--also no sitters here till about 5yrs.
I had lost my mom and my uncle exactly 2 years to the day prior to her being born. So I understand that fear of loss.
You are doing great, and so is your daughter. When you come out the other end of this journey, you will receive the greatest reward for a job well done, your daughter will come home, and have endless amounts of hugs for you and her. Hang in there mom. | |
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| After all - that's parents hearts.
Posted: 7/16/2005 10:02:41 AM | Feline, I just had a thought...your fear of losing the ones you love is justified and normal. I can't imagine losing a husband the way you did. Anyway, my thought is that maybe this temporary seperation from your daughter will help, for that fear to become a little smaller...when she comes home safe and sound, happy and healthy, that you didn't lose her, that you CAN let her go and she will come back. You said above that you "can't let your loved ones go". Well, sweetie, not only can you, you did! Yes, you are scared, yes you are lonely, but you are strong and loving enough to put your feelings aside and allow her and your parents to bond, to have adventures, and she'll remember this for a lifetime.
A bit off-topic, but somewhat humorous:
My mother put me on a plane to Europe (long way from Oklahoma!) when I was 16. I didn't want to go - I was pissed! Two weeks away from my boyfriend? How could she torture me this way? Her eyes were filling with tears as she said good-bye...I was still so mad I didn't even turn to wave. Now I look back and I'm so thankful she sent me...I remember it all, and I only hope I can someday visit again with my son...or send him so he can experience a different culture. I finally thanked her a couple of years ago...lol
More big hugs to you dear! Think of how your daughter later her life will be able to share stories about her trip. Kinda like me...."yes, I've draped myself upon Oscar Wilde's grave...yes, I smoked pot at Jim Morrison's grave, oh yes, I've been to the Swiss Alps, they are lovely..." (remember, I was 16, lol)
You're doing great! Keep that chin up, girl!
-sparkle | |
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| After all - that's parents hearts.
Posted: 7/16/2005 11:50:24 PM | Feline...
I just read through this post and I will try to give you my two cents. I love my kids (ages 13 and 10) dearly, they live with me full time, and every summer for the past 4 years they've gone to stay with my parents. And you know what? They absolutely LOVE it! I miss them like mad, but the one thing that comforts me every year is knowing that they are building childhood memories. They talk about going to their grandparents with a twinkle in their eye. They love that I let them go - that I give them the freedom to see their grandparents and have the experiences that go along with it.
We talk on the phone and email, and of course I can't help myself and so I send them little packages and cards from time to time. It's super hard to miss them so much and my house is SOOOOOO quiet without the joyous sounds that they make. But each year they've come home and have been ecstatic about their trip and showing me the pics and souvenirs from another magical summer.
I love them to pieces, and they always come back, and I love them even more...
I think you're doing such a wonderful thing by letting her go have this time. It will mean so much to her as she gets older! | |
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| After all - that's parents hearts.
Posted: 7/18/2005 6:04:58 PM | >>>>> Dream_walker223
Back after a short business trip - first thing to check - this thread.
Darling, your post has helped me to realize what else can be a reason to justify my insane attachement to my daughter.
She was born with meconium aspiration. Beautiful, big girl, but couldn't breath due to meconium stuck in her lungs. She still has seven tiny scars from intubations.
Oh, dear dreamwalker! Do I understand what you went through with your girl! First two months I couldn't even pick her up and hold her - she was all IV's and tubes...
They flew us from Calgary to Edmonton, to Royal Alexandra Hospital - at that time they had the best NICU in Western Canada. Two months...
But as she grew older, the joy of seeing a completely healthy child has misplaced the terryfying memories.
I wouldn't go into detail further, just that NICU is the place where by God's Will, by Chance's Grace and by Doctor's Mastership the Life teaches us how to treasure it.
Thank you for your post. I never realized that some subconsious fears from many years ago can come back and add to the pain of letting your child go.
All the best to you and your precious angel!
Hugs, Feline. | |
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| After all - that's parents hearts.
Posted: 7/18/2005 6:10:45 PM | >>>>> sparklepants
Hey, Sparkie!
You can cheer, girl! Thank you!
From this morning's phonecall comes that my child was pissed off for the first time because they dont' have Slurpees there and Granma couldn't figure out at all what she was talking about. That was so funny. Well, had to raise spirits up by promising to meet her with a double-size strawberry one. I think it worked.
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Home after three days on the road. Still absolutely the same feeling. Lonely. Empty. Picked up my poor animal from boarding - I think it hates me now. Oh, well...
51 days to go. | |
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| After all - that's parents hearts.
Posted: 7/18/2005 6:20:25 PM | >>> secondbestdad
Wow! Nice to read something like that coming from a man!
Thank you!
I think I do believe now - it's all for the very best of her (and my Mom!)
But... It has been two weeks - and seven (!) more to go.
My road back from the business trip I had went through the gorgeous Rocky Mountains - the preetiest place for the eye - and I just couldn't help myself but kept imagining how thrilled she would have been if she were riding with me.
She loves nature just like me.
And everything-everything I see - I am so used to sharing with her.
She is my best travel companion, always been.
So many communication gaps revealed themselves with her absence...
But I will take your word of advice as well.
You know what you saying, and I sincerely thank you for that.
All the Best,
Feline. | |
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| After all - that's parents hearts.
Posted: 7/19/2005 8:11:03 PM | Isn't that what we all - Moms and Dads are for?
If not us - who else would love them (our kids) the way the should be loved?
50 days...
Thank you, best Dad! | |
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| After all - that's parents hearts.
Posted: 7/20/2005 1:57:34 PM | 49 days to go and I got a tearfull phonecall.
"Mom, I want to go home! I went to a playground today and I waited forever to cross the street! They don't stop for the lights and the traffic is crazy. They don't have patrollers here, never had and never will. I had to turn around and go home. This is so unsafe" She is in school's AMA patrol here - gets to be a leutenant next school year - so it is so important to her that drivers obey the rules...
My Dad wrote me a day before: "She would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying".
I asked: "What's the matter, baby? Did you see a nightmare?"
She goes: "Yes, I saw a dream - I will never see you again, or will never come home".
So, it goes both ways. I just wish now my baby wouldn't have any fears and just enjoy herself.
49 days - that's exactly seven weeks... Was I in my right mind to let her go for THAT long? | |
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| Tearful phonecall
Posted: 7/20/2005 2:42:28 PM | Awww,
sorry to hear about that tearful phonecall...
As for the length of the trip, I guess only you know for sure if it is too long - but, I would say talk with your daughter and your parents about it. My feeling would be to not cut her trip short after one bad episode, because that's really to be expected since she's away for the first time.
But if it gets to the point where the trip is no longer enjoyable, or there becomes a chance that is will be that way, or if your daughter is having a tough time being away - if it's possible, you may want to seriously consider making arrangements to bring her home earlier than planned (in my opinion).
Obviously, I don't have all of the facts, just thinking aloud about what I would consider doing if I were in your situation...
take care - I know it's tough | |
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