| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/18/2009 5:49:14 AM |
For me I got sucked into his vunerability, he told me things that made me love him more, and when he continually broke it off I thought, well, he really does love me but he is so damaged he is fighting himself. Friends really have gotten angry with me, tired of listening to me cry, wondering why I kept going back. I don't mean to delve into a tender situation, but I'm curious... was it love or sympathy he was evoking from you at those times... and was there anything a friend did or said that was a pivotal moment of realization for you to see this more clearly?
As a friend, my first instinct is to stick by the person and help give them the strength to make their own decision, regardless of my thoughts or feelings... but maybe being straightforward would be a better choice? | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/18/2009 6:17:21 AM | Pretty much, or they just like time fillers, or cant go a few days alone, have no idea what they want etc.
As for the ones who have been lied to etc i do have a little bit of sympathy, initially. But when they insist on making similar choice after similar choice till the end times. Yet constantly whine about the choices they made as opposed to the ones they wouldn't dare dream of making...Though i do blame both parts equally caught up in this destructive cycle.
I am certain the wicked-shoe-theorem is designed in part to giggle at. However its main message is to enlighten people into the nature of true choice and certain alleged "enlightened" peoples general lack of awareness of it.
Lamp-post - theorem as a few of you knows trys to define simple objectification and its pitfalls.
Serial/blunderbuss dating melee syndrome - is pretty self explanatory eg 20-200 dates/meets per annum.
Still, if its broke, i believe it can be rarely fixed. More so when the majority should never have been in the relationship in the first place . | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/18/2009 6:19:36 AM | Well OP, not to discredit the importance of sex here, but love is another factor. You could say I am one of those people because I broke up with my guy three times in the past 16 months. Every time I was sad and I still loved him very much. We got back together each time because there was an important shift in our relationship. We improved it every time. The two of us have adjusted. Some people call it 'settle' because we are not what each other was looking for in the first place, but I prefer to call it love. It is a soldier. It tames the monster and makes it kind. Perhaps it is also blind.    | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/18/2009 7:24:52 AM |
Love is not a rational thing so why should there be a rational answer to a question of love?
True, and if this you call "love" is a fit and fix all for many
to believe, is not true.
Many believe that they want to be loved,
and many believe that they are special and are someBody and
are needed [Not Needy] and are loved.
To me this is, if can I can rationally say it, love...  | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/18/2009 10:21:40 AM | I've found myself pondering that old relationship of mine. Funny how sometimes a thread can spark that. I don't recall how many times we broke up... lots... and it was usually over my reaction to his behaviour with someone else, not with me. I've spoken of this man in the forums before; he was absolutely brilliant, a larger than life personality in many ways, but not a kind or compassionate person. He was too intelligent to fit in with a vast majority of people and lived a rather lonely and isolated life as a result.
The differences in our natures caused the conflict and the failure was the inability to give space to our differences. I struggled with whether I was, perhaps, too pedestrian or had an overinflated sense of fairness and compassion (his criticism of me). He was often unkind to other people; at least that's the way I saw it - he viewed it as he had poor tolerance for fools. Trouble was, most of the world were fools in his opinion. He was invariably kind to service people (waiters and the like) and was mostly thoughtful and considerate in his interactions with me and was a romantic and passionate person.
I had conflict over where is the line where you allow people to be who they are. << This is the point where my sense of fairness always gets me. His poor behaviour didn't effect ME directly, so was I being unfair in essentially demanding that he fit within my boundaries or tolerances of behaviour? He certainly thought so; even while he acknowledged he was flawed and needed to make changes in how he dealt with people he also was frustrated that, for him, much of life was about trying to be a square peg in a world of round holes.
He believed I should find the capacity to accept that as a brilliant man he had trouble with dealing with people. I couldn't accept the piles of bodies shredded at (what I interpreted as) the altar of his ego or self-centredness.
He was usually kind to me; not kind to my opinions, LOL. That distinction took us a little bit of effort to navigate, but we did. I still hear his voice over my shoulder as I write something saying "shallow, trite and derivative". Still, I learned to accept and give constructive criticism, my writing vastly improved and I tend not to get hooked by people (although I still get hooked by my own sense of fairness). I developed skills in forming logical arguments and much, much more. << He was an absolutely fascinating person and I learned so much about, well, everything including myself and interactions in this relationship. I truly did earn the equivalent of a post-grad degree through dating him.
He certainly didn't always agree with me, (heck he challenged every idea I formed - this was a very confronting relationship) but he valued and respected my intelligence and especially my sense of fairness and kindness. He said he learned a lot from my sense of people, and acknowledged that I often saved him from himself declaring I "interpreted the world for him". He certainly didn't always agree with my assessment of what was fair or kind but said he learned a lot about himself and (business and professional) relationships and was a better person for being with me. We both grew a great deal in our time together.
Here's an example of one of the times we broke:
At a business social function, he publicly cut down the CEO's personal assistant and she cried in public. Now, she WAS a bit of an airhead, but her "crime" was emotionally responding to a point he made, then strenuously arguing with him about it, so he tore her down. Kind of what we see happening in the fora on a regular basis; someone responds from "feelings" and gets taken out by logic, sometimes not nicely.
My point was: every human deserves respect, no one deserves public humiliation. One does not need to be right so badly that they do not temper their response with consideration of the source of the disagreement (she's an airhead; pull the punch) and the other considerations (not smart professionally to make the CEO's assistant cry in public: your colleagues won't remember you were right, they will only remember you were cruel). A bit on communication - the responsibility of speaking into people's listening and abilities in order to be understood. And finally, not being able to temper ones response means one is a victim of their own ego. One does not need to always "go for the jugular" in every interaction; sometimes walking away is 'winning'.
His point (to the best of my recollection) was: every human deserves freedom to live; they do not automatically get respect. People who continue to tackle a point in public, may end up with public humiliation. It was not intellectually honest to allow someone to 'win' when their argument held no merit. Everyone is entitled to their opinion; that doesn't mean their opinion can't be attacked or shown the flaws in it. He felt it morally bankrupt to pull his punch simply because it "looked good"; had she not been the CEO's assistant, I wouldn't be making this argument. And on about the devolution of our society because we cater to the feelings of everyone rather than merits of their argument.
Ultimately, the last time I broke up with him was for the same reason as all of the other times: he was not a kind person. His brilliance is unquestioned, and he was frequently right in whatever point he was making, but without kindness and compassion it was useless to me in a relationship. At the end of the day, it didn't matter whether I was being fair or not; once I acknowledged to myself that I couldn't give space to a part of his nature, and that it was a part of his nature that he couldn't alter as much as I needed him to, or even as much as he said he wanted to, it was over. But I certainly gave it my best before I threw in the towel.
I think the reason we go back is often because we think it will change. That whatever the issue is, someone can learn and grow. Often they do. Where we learn the most in relationships tends to also be the points where we have conflict. The tricky bit is learning when to work on it and when to let it go. I don't think at this stage in my life I would have the same conflict over whether I was "right" to end it with him.
Today I would see the differences in our natures as a clear incompatibility and wouldn't likely get into a relationship with him - and if I did, I wouldn't have gotten all caught up in whether my acceptance was fair or not (his criticism of my fairness had a point, lol) and I would have no temptation to try to save him from himself (I too can be a victim of my own ego). But I am not so sure if I would spot it as easily now if it weren't for all the back and forth effort I had with him so many years ago. Growth comes in many forms; sometimes we need to face the lesson numerous times before we get it. Sometimes the numerous times happens to be with the same person. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/18/2009 10:31:09 AM | I'll admit I had a relationship many years ago where he ended things and a few months later we got back together and regretted it. The second break up was much, much worse than the first and I learned my lesson.
- Which brought me to have the ultimate relationship rule:
Once you walk out the door and say you are finished, then you are. There is NO going back, this rule is nontransferrable and applies to both parties. If you go back, it leads to the on/off again bullshit and drama which is not only unhealthy, but unstable. Now why anyone would want to partake of that type of situation is totally beyond me.
But to each their own. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/18/2009 1:31:20 PM | ItsMargo, thank God I'm not alone. In a year and a half we broke up and got back together again six times! Nope, it wasn't for the sex, and Nope, it wasn't for anyone else, and at least for me it wasn't about being alone! Why we kept getting back together? at the time it was we both believed there was something that kept drawing us back? Did I love her? hell yeah, did she love me? I'm not quite sure. I'll take full responsibility for the first time! After that it was having to deal with one isue after the other, and believe me, she had/has plenty of issues....sad!
Would I ever breakup with another woman and try getting back together again? I honestly can't answer that, but, it would happen (if it did) one time and one time only!
psssst, stick by with what you've been doing, believe me friends don't need friends to take sides, unless their friend is being physically abused! | |
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| Well...there is this...
Posted: 5/18/2009 1:40:39 PM |
And sometimes, it's because you love each other, but don't like each other much.
...which is something I am familiar with, and then there is the fact that this...
have spent a considerable amount of time lamenting about how the other person treated them poorly, used them, cheated on them, played them and lied to them umpteen times
...doesn't apply to every break up.
Sometimes the break up isn't because one person treated the other badly, but because it just never was a good fit...which oddly enough, doesn't prevent love from developing, but sure as shit can keep a relationship from being functional.
Again, spoken from experience.... | |
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| Margo dear...
Posted: 5/18/2009 1:46:58 PM | ...did we used to date in a former life?
My God in heaven that is me. I don't want it to be me, but it is, even if perhaps to a lessor degree. I am working really, really, really hard on it not being me. And fortunately for me, while I've been chastised for being that person often, no one has ever yet excommunicated me from their life for it.
You and my ex wife could swap some stories.... | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/24/2009 7:01:01 AM | First of all, incredible insight Margo!!! Thank you for sharing...
I think the reason we go back is often because we think it will change. That whatever the issue is, someone can learn and grow. Often they do. I do have to disagree with this portion though... I don't think most learn and grow in the manner that the other person needs... I also don't think it's prudent to base a relationship on 'growing to an acceptable level'... the person should already be someone that you accept...
Shouldn't they? | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/24/2009 8:33:21 AM | Because they want to make the pain stop but they still love each other.
I've never been one to go back or to allow anyone to come back. That's just me...I guess I want new opportunities instead of rehashing old issues.
Some though have a constancy in their needs...and I think they live out these on again off again relationships as a way to avoid change.
Could also be that they are a filler, as many here have said.
Could be good sex too I suppose?
I know some women who keep their X's around so that they can do car repairs/household repairs for them LOL...weird
Could just be people using each other too. Happens a lot it seems. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/24/2009 9:05:47 AM | | I can only think of one relationship where I was on again and off again for an extended time...it was someone I really cared about at the time. We would do good argue then things would escilate then take a break ect start over....At some point I woke up and just moved on ...I would guess the why behind is it was easier than because I was so much younger and going back to someone I knew was easier than starting over with someone else | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/24/2009 9:10:49 AM | Just read recently that they did a study of longevity on the couples with alot of drama and apparently if they don't get the drama in check it is usually a short lived union... go figure . heterosexuals that is !! apparently for homosexuals especially males it appears that .. drama is not only good for their relationships is actually is an element to the longevity of the union! ---- it appears that because the sexes are both of the same sex and cannot reproduce that according to epigeneticists ..this offers no conflict to the brain of the homosexual male .. interesting...
so drama in monogamy hetero ... is not a good recipe for .. long term .. life does have to become.. about trust .. or it is over.. ! | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/24/2009 10:17:56 AM | After reading the post on this topic ( amazing how many folks think they have it all figured out)
As someone who is in this boat I can tell you the why I chose to give it another shot with my wife of 20 years after 2 years of trying to get a divorce that just never seemed to happen court dates postponed etc..
Reason that don't apply
Can't find anyone else had a GF that would have done anything for me and after her a few FWB
Low self esteem not one of my issues
Reasons that I did choose to give it another shot
I really do love the women
The kids
Sex we always for the most part had great sex and a strong undeniable attraction
Disappointments in what I was finding dating so much so that I had for the most part just given up on the whole idea
She has the qualities I want she is smart enough to talk to and a reasonable adult pays her own bills etc.....
Comfort of an old friend was a large part of it it was so nice to just hang without the some on judging you etc....
Fate it seemed as our divorce was going on for two years without ever getting done maybe there was a reason (nobodies fault stars just seemed to not line up)
Loneliness maybe as when she called me drunk two years ago I decided to talk to her as an old friend and not a legal adversary
The end result is yet to be known but I don't think it’s going to work as people don't really change I am still a hard man and she is still an alcoholic woman with the emotional maturity of a four year old
But maybe addiction describes it best
I have a wild side that she both loves and hates but find irresistible
She has a comfort and a homey way that I can't seem to resist the world just seems right with her in my arms
I was on here today reading the forums (why I thought reading the opinions of a bunch of know it all would help) trying to make up my mind on what to do with my life from this point and am leaning towards the cold turkey withdrawal | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/24/2009 12:24:46 PM | Maybe going back to the same person means that one of life's lessons has not been learned. If someone keeps going back into a bad situation, then maybe they just don't get it. If someone keeps going back into an OK relationship, maybe they want to settle, maybe they don't.
There are as many individual reasons as individual situations. Some people do grow and learn, some don't. Some people can change and become better in a relationship, some can't.
It really is all about process, not destination.
M | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/24/2009 2:59:11 PM |
So… what’s the deal? Were they just unable to do better?
IMO - Insecurity or loneliness .. or maybe a touch of both ..
so .. that means fear I guess .. as (IMO) both loneliness and insecurity are borne of fear ..
bummer .. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 6/3/2009 3:48:37 PM |
We’ve all seen them, the ones where the two people are constantly breaking up and getting back together… so much so that it makes us think of revolving doors and getting caught in turn stiles.
Exactly what’s the point of them? For the life of me, I cannot understand what is going through someone's mind when they’ve broken up with someone, have spent a considerable amount of time lamenting about how the other person treated them poorly, used them, cheated on them, played them and lied to them umpteen times, and then the next week, you see them on top of the tallest mountain singing how much in love they are with the other person and cannot fathom a life outside of that person…
So… what’s the deal? Were they just unable to do better?
Psssst -- In some cases, I'd also have to suspect that one party or both couldn't get the "better deal" or couldn't hold onto the "better deal". Not only is it plausible, but I'd gamble that it's the answer better than half the time.
And like you, I fail to see the benefit to it all. I mean, if you broke up something was BROKEN. Going back is gonna accomplish what exactly? They said they "changed" and that makes it all better? Don't get me wrong, in my life I have gone back to the same woman on two occasions. Out of the many I've been with this represents a small percentage of rebounds with the same chick. As a rule, I don't chew my food twice so to speak. Just not worth it.
But I also see these couples that are on again/off again so many times you'd like to start keeping a running total of ons vs. offs. I dunno if it's because both are just completely hopeless, or if like at least one other suggested...they have equated sex to love.
If that's the case, sex being as good as it may be, I'd have to ask myself if that was the be-all-end-all for me? The answer is no. The sex could be mind blowing and phenomenal, but if there's something else that led us to break up, no amount of good sex is gonna be deemed worth the effort of ignoring the other failures involved.
For the most and best part, I'd still have to say that these types are looking for the "better deal" and had it and couldn't hold on to it, or couldn't find it so they settled by going back. Sounds harsh, but let's face it...what other valid reason would one have to be on again/off again so many times in one life with the same person?
Low self esteem probably plays a significant role too. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 6/3/2009 4:25:36 PM | I did the on again off again relationship... for 25 years... there were periods where we were apart for many years. He was actually married at one point. I think I was his back up girl... that is the way I look at it anyway. It was very much unfinished business, still is in a way.
I do know it is now over and what a relief that is. To know he will never call me again is very liberating. For the first time in my life I feel emotionally available.
~Charmed~ | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 6/3/2009 4:27:00 PM | *sighs*
Ahhhh gosh i know the feeling.....thats why somedays, i think im better off staying single and enough of the dating game.
Dang, wasnt dating seem a lot easier 20 years ago? | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:29:27 PM | The reasons are fairly simple :
Being with them is bad , but still better then being alone.
They're thinking of the good times.
Sex | |
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