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| | Do you leave when the all has gone?Page 2 of 2 (1, 2) | Getting to know someone takes time.
And I've found that even with time....past experience..... I might not really know them or who they really are.
In the relationship, I hope to have, there would be some alone/away from each other, time.
Being close does not mean either one of us have to be hanging out each others nose.
As long as the desire is to be together as a couple, is there.
I do not wish to smother or be smothered.
I appreciate seeing political views along with personal missions.....so I can, right away, dodge those bullets.
Just because we have some interests that are different, doesn't mean we are not meant to be together...how boring if we were alike.
I don't care for flea markets....but can go occassionally.
A steady dose........ 
Or if the most active thing or hobby is sitting on a prorch swing...I move on.
I wonder why there are so many men, who are young (in their 40's and 50's), are retired?
ceecee
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| Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/19/2009 10:46:04 AM | I'll settle for "good enough for me gosh darn it"!
There are sooooooooo many people who have their lives all together here. Apparently I've missed the boat or I must be on the losing end of life because I don't see life as a "goal setting" thing but a journey.
I want someone to share it all with...the ups, the downs, the in betweens, have some great sex we can embarrass the kids with when we're 80 and then chase each other on the porch even if the poor guy is flailing like a loose rope and I'm my breasts are sitting comfortably on the arm of the porch swing.
If my life was perfect, I wouldn't have a need to be here. I just can't imagine life being "perfect"...it doesn't even make sense to me.
I think some just say this because they want everyone to think "I don't need you but I want you there"...
Well, I'm hoping to find someone I NEED there...because of his awesomeness and because we've built something worth needing...
And my ALL is an impossible man. There is no such thing. Who would expect anyone to live up to that? | |
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| Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/19/2009 10:48:32 AM |
And my ALL is an impossible man. There is no such thing. Who would expect anyone to live up to that?
Haven't read what many are seeking in there profiles, have you?... | |
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| Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/20/2009 5:00:19 PM | I've tried to address the questions folks have asked so you'll know I didn't just post and disappear. It might be a good idea to grab a coffee before you start reading.
(Msg 12) She's a really good person, and I can definitely see her being right for somebody, but what I got told going in didn't stack up to the reality of day-to-day living. And the more I tried to discuss these things with her the worse it got. When she smoked she would go to the corner of the garage. When her job got stupid, she cowered and refused to deal with the issues. She wanted to eat almost the exact same thing every night. Showers together never happened. Anything other than very soft music or the sound of her turning pages in a book was an intrusion.
I'll start by saying you're definitely more patient than I.
It sounds like your problem was two-fold. First, you weren't properly informed. The smoking was an outright lie on her part. The second thing is it appears she had some nervous/mental condition taking into consideration her reaction to her job along with being irritable regarding intrusions. I was referring to more "normal" differences.
What I was addressing was something like her reaction to being outside. If that was the sole problem the solution would be to not invite her to the games. While you may wish your partner attend the games if other things were fine you could look forward to a nice dinner together, for example. My point being if you don't have a partner you would go to the games alone anyway plus you wouldn't have someone with whom to share dinner.
(Msg 18) I don't have to have all the exact same things in common with someone, but they have to understand and support my life and vice versa. If we both have full lives when meeting and a couple things in common (and the rest aren't dealbreakers to who we are as people) then I don't see why it can't work.
Then again I don't feel someone has to be with me all the time, or has to do things I like he hates, and the opposite applies. My relationships are more like we both have days we do our own thing and throw a couple days in there where we do things together - not necessarily the same things, but in the same space...
Exactly! That’s why I mentioned the skiing and the swimming/reading. If at home one can be outside gardening while the other is inside trying a new recipe or watching TV. Or go shopping while their partner is in the yard.
When my partner and I first met we took turns staying at each others home and that’s exactly what we did. For example, I’d go to her home and watch TV while she did her laundry and cleaning. The next night she would come to my home and bring some work from the office while I did my housework or watched TV or washed the car. It was all about finding comfort being ourselves while still being together.
(Msg 19) You have to have things in common.. not everything, but you've got to share some of the same interests or it wont work.. one of you will want to do something and the other wont.. then you start looking for people who want to do those things with you.. friends, family.. whatever... and you drift apart and start fighting alot...
I agree couples have to have some things in common. My question was directed more towards those who say they “want it all”. Let’s say two 25 year olds get together. They sought each other out because they thoroughly enjoy rollerblading. They wouldn’t consider someone who didn’t like rollerblading. What is going to happen when they’re 35 and 45?
The point is we all change our activities. The thread is not so much about needing to enjoy someactivities as it is about people wanting a partner who enjoys many activities.
(Msg 22) Well, Dave, if your life is so full and so good, why even bother with a partner? Or, just find someone who's happy with occasional FWB-type benefits. Or even find a fvck buddy.
That’s precisely my point. If ones life is so full why do they require a partner to have so many specific qualities as it appears the time spent with the partner will be limited.
If you actually want a relationship, then yes, you do need all those things on the comprehensive list……
I agree if ones life is not so full. If one prefers to spend their time with one person as opposed to a number of different friends then I can understand that. I was never one to say being single was great. It stank!  Neither my partner nor myself had what one would call a busy life nor were we social butterflies. It's like s0me people prefer crowds and others prefer one-on-one relationships.
That said we still only required compatibility in a few major areas. For example, do we want to live in the country or city? Do you like apartment living or having our own home?
For us we decided on a home. When it came to money my partner and I kept our finances separate with a joint account for home expenses. As long as the home expenses were paid and neither one of us ran up a debt how we spent our money was an individual choice.
Our movie preference were different. We dealt with that by alternating the type of movie we would see. If it was my turn we would see an action movie and I paid. If it was her turn we'd see a romance movie and she'd pay.
The same applied to restaurants and even vacations. One time we'd go where my partner wanted and the next time where I wanted. An example of compromise was when we'd go south for a month in the winter. I preferred to drive and my partner preferred the plane. Three days compared to 3 or 4 hours. No problem. I left a few days earlier, stopped to visit a friend on the way and met my partner at the airport the following week at our final destination. After spending a month together she'd drive back with me. (No, I didn't pick up any hitchhikers.) 
For those who claim a full life I don’t understand why one would continue to live a single life waiting for the partner who can offer it “all” when part of the “all” can be fulfilled by others. Let’s say one of the things a person enjoys by having a partner is when they come home from work they can either both cook dinner together or take turns and then dine together. Every day they are going to miss that. No one is going to replace that "time slot".
Then we have the Saturday afternoon ball game. We’ve been single for while and we always go with our friends. Why is it so important our partner join us to the extent we will sacrifice the dinners until we find someone who enjoys ball games?
(Msg 23) You wrote this as if intimate moments were about sex (at least that's the impression you gave me) and not emotional or intellectual intimate moments. In truth, I think intimate moments is another way of saying "When I need someone"...for example...if you narrowly avoid a major car accident, who's the first person you think of calling? Or if you got some major kudos or a nice bonus/recognition, who do you want to share that with? And most people have far more of these 2 and 5 and 20 minute needs for emotional or intellectual intimacy than just getting hot and sweaty and getting your O over with before rolling over and falling asleep.
I agree with you. What I don't understand is what does a partner showing interest in a near accident or a promotion at work have to do with enjoying similar activities or holding similar views. If a person cares about you they will be interested. I don't see the connection as far as intimacy is concerned. They can dislike ball games and smoke like a chimney. That does not have any bearing on how they care about you or the level of intimacy. (Perhaps I've missed your point?) One is going to be interested in their partner’s experiences, joys and sorrows, without necessarily liking to do the same activities.
(Msg 23) Ditto her poor body image...cute girl but stuck in a world of drab browns and olives and grays because she was afraid to draw attention to herself, so even though she looked great in reds and yellows and greens and blues, it was a major confrontation to get her to even consider it...and she doesn't need that stress any more than I needed to give it).
I assume you’re talking figuratively? If not, what in the world did you ever see in her? If you literally were telling her how to dress it’s no wonder the poor gal increased her cigarette intake from 2-3 to a pack a day. You must have drove the “sweet thang” to a nervous breakdown!
(Msg 27) If my life was perfect, I wouldn't have a need to be here. I just can't imagine life being "perfect"...it doesn't even make sense to me.
I think some just say this because they want everyone to think "I don't need you but I want you there".
Good point. I don’t see anything wrong with folks who want someone there all the time and I don’t see anything wrong with those who want their own space. Who I don’t understand is the person who desires a partner but never seems to find one appropriate resulting in never having any of the benefits of a partner.
(Msg 28) And my ALL is an impossible man. There is no such thing. Who would expect anyone to live up to that? Haven't read what many are seeking in there profiles, have you?...
That’s exactly it! | |
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| Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/20/2009 5:25:05 PM | ^^^^^^^^^
Do you people really need to write an entire page in order to make your point? Sorry but that seems very extreme.
Back to topic - OP you seem to be suggesting that we should all be "settling". If that's the case I could have been on my second honeymoon by now...........with whoever it was I decided to marry
Please give some of us enough credit to know that we wouldn't be happy sharing our lives with someone who, quite frankly, would make it unbearable. Compatibility is huge in my opinion, especially to those that were married for a long time and now understand what they are really looking for. | |
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bhi99
| | Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 30 | |
| Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/20/2009 6:25:33 PM | Well, I may seem cold by saying this, but I need a woman in my life romantically because my male friends just can't fill that void.
This is why honestly I think it's so much easier to be gay.
When people talk about " soulmates " I do believe they mean the same exact person as them, but the opposite sex.
I've a few times run the idea on my friends in that every guy is looking forhimself, but with a vagina.
I mean, really, unless you hate yourself, most people are at least somewhat narcissistic, so the best partner is essentially yourself.
But I digress. | |
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| Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/20/2009 6:52:54 PM | | It is likely that most people's need to have it ALL in a partner is directly related to how much satisfaction they have with their single life. Personally, I'd like to have it ALL! I'm optimistically pragmatic. Life is good....and life is even better with the right partner. It's important to have someone close to share the ups and downs, stories and experiences, joys and sorrows of living. It has nothing to do with being joined at the hip. More important is for each to have their freedom of expression, without hating what their partner is expressing! | |
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| Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/20/2009 11:00:30 PM | j!dub great posts.
I personally think it is a healthy balance of having common interests, seperate interests and a desire to share both. Once the infatuation/newness of a relationship wears off, you have to have common interests/goals/values etc. in order to keep yourself connected on a basic level, but you also have to have something to share of yourself that the other wants to try/share/experience with you.... to keep things fresh and interesting.
I think most if not all here would say that having a good life means they are okay being alone, but would like to share life with someone else... if its a quality addition to their lives... | |
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