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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:17:01 AM |
Whats the deal about knowing why so many abusive men out there?
A bit paranoid are we?..LOL
I had never even thought about abusive men being a big problem in relationships until I began posting here on POF. Suddenly every other story of why a woman is no longer with her child's biological father included the abuse reason. I found that very surprising, hence the question.
I wanted to know if there really are that many abusive men or was it some kind of convenient excuse? | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:53:05 AM | | the true numbers of abuse clearly show that now more women are abusive than men. more women get damaged because men as a group are bigger and stronger than women as a group. plus women may abuse her man for years before he finally has had enough.women talk about it so much because they are actively encouraged to do so. men are just supposed "to take it" and deal with it. girls are taught from the cradle that hitting boys is funny but they can't hit you back. tv constantly shows women hitting men with the laugh track howling. a little smack upside of the head or a punch by women is never shown as a negative. women are also taught that men are inferior beings with no rights. the phrase "it's always the man's fault" echoes tens of millions times a day to relieve women responsibility for their actions. we broke up because of him is the standard attitude in our "equal" society. she nags but he commits verbal abuse. she "lashes out in fury" but he commits domestic violence. and so on. i know guys that were "detained" by police because of a disturbance. even when there were witnesses telling the cops that she attacked him, he was instantly accused of being the abuser. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 7/20/2009 11:13:19 AM | Although, alot of abuse takes place when men (or women) are using drink or drugs, this is not the reason, it is an excuse. Plenty of people have a drink but that doesn't mean to say that they are violent or abusive.
Men (or women) that abuse do it by choice, and not because of drink or drugs, they only enhance the situation, but it doesn't make them do it. I know from experience, what being in a violent relationship does. Drink or drugs just as I said enhances the inevitable outcome, because they will abuse anyway.
Perpetrators, do not change and they carry on abusing, just move onto another victim. I am a survivor of a perpetrator that is how I like to see myself, they like to pick on confident people and then chip away at our self esteem, and wear us down, just so they can feel confident. You may say it would never happen to you. All I can say is look out for the red flag signs when meeting someone. I know what these are and I will never make the same mistake again. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 7/20/2009 11:31:29 AM |
Perpetrators, do not change and they carry on abusing, just move onto another victim. I am a survivor of a perpetrator that is how I like to see myself, they like to pick on confident people and then chip away at our self esteem, and wear us down, just so they can feel confident. You may say it would never happen to you. All I can say is look out for the red flag signs when meeting someone. I know what these are and I will never make the same mistake again.
Thank goodness you had the strength to get out of that relationship. Thanks for sharing your perspective. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 5:17:09 AM | | I don't know. I do know I don't want to have children with a man like that or talk to a man like that. My father was a very angry man for many years and beat my mother becaue of it. He went to war in Eastren Europe and had to flee the country..and did u.s government work....so, I can only imagine how he must have been dealing with the things he had to see and deal with. I do not understand abusive men who have not gone through tramatic abuse yet, begin the cycle, to me they are leeches. I think there are however somethings men will never admit to. If they are sexually abused that can destroy them, and I am sure can make a person crazy, so maybe the guys have reasons, they just can't say? I really don't know but, for me to beat someone I profess to love I would have to be insane. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 5:33:46 AM | | I read through the comments a little more after I posted mine and was suprised that it was all about men being abused. I do know there are domineering women but unfortunantley my mom was not the one in my house at all and me I can be picky and demanding sometimes, but I have never hit a man. I do think there may be domineering women who abuse the man and I think the men deal with it because they are taught to think they deserve it. It is not true of course, the women is just a mean bully. My dad however was abusive to the point of breaking ribs, nose, and black eyes, fat lips so, take a look at the statistics for women in homeless shelters with thier kids in California............it's scary. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 6:24:48 AM | I've only had one person ever become abusive towards me. We were together for 4 years. I kicked him out the day he hit me and never looked back. I was ready to break up with him anyways, that was just the icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned. The first time is never the last time in almost all cases.
Most people who are abusive towards their wives/girlfriends were abused in the past or watched it happen to someone in their family. Some never were abused or watched it happen and just have anger problems they can't control.
It really ticks me off to hear about pregnant women being abused, physically or emotionally by the father of their child. My ex put me through hell for the second half of my pregnancy and I know how it feels. There is NO excuse in the world to ever hit a women carrying your child, or intentionally cause her stress that will affect her or the baby.
In self defense cases, there are many ways to defend yourself against a women who is attacking you with actually causing them or their unborn baby harm. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 7:03:16 AM | Good for you by leaving right away CC85 but far too often they won't.
As far as the men who abuse pregnant women thing that is a tough road. I do not condone it but IMO a lot of it comes from not rationally dealing with the impending responsibility he now faces or from the feeling he was mislead as t0 how the pregnancy may have occured.
I don't think anyone likes to be lied to and convincing a man that a pregnancy occured by accident when it was apparent to be an untruth can have dire consequences. When you add onto that the sheer loss of control over this situation when you talk one sided legal system where reproduction is concerned you now have the potential for abuse.
People seem to have lost the art of arguing. Men are larger genetically and a woman is right to fear for her safety but IMO this can also lead to a warped sense of reality too.
Much like how lids these days will threaten their parents with informing Children aid, we perhaps have ingrained a sensibilty that all men are or can be abusive and I can imagine that there are women who will unneccessarily push their own agenda too far thus possibly creating their own situation. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 7:05:42 AM | Women are more likely to call the police even when they are the ones in the wrong. This impacts the stats. Any one see this yet:
Around 6 p.m. Thursday, police arrived at the Gosselin family home in Wernersville, Pennsylvania, where the exes were engaged in a verbal argument. A source close to Kate Gosselin confirms she called police.
"[Police] got there and calmed the situation down," an officer tells PEOPLE. "No one was arrested and no citations were issued."
Another source says Kate called the house to find out which babysitter was helping with the children. When she didn't approve of the caretaker, an argument with Jon ensued.
"Due to the custody agreement, Kate couldn't enter the property," the source says. "The cops had no choice but to tell Kate she couldn't go past the gate."
Distraught and in tears, Kate left and checked in to a nearby hotel.
A women goes to her ex's home and starts yelling at her ex, who with in his rights says so and the women calls the police lol. Just think what would have happened if a man showed up at a women's home and started yelling at her for something she was allowed to do with the children. The standard are way different and men in lots of these cases walk on egg shells to aviod problems.
"In self defense cases, there are many ways to defend yourself against a women who is attacking you with actually causing them or their unborn baby harm. " LOL
When I see stuff like this I think well maybe, but what if she has a knife, gun or other weapon or what if she is just stronger? Some crazy Bit$* shooting at you, if in defending ones self an unborn child is harmed, it would not be the mans fault, it would clearly be the womans fault. One more reason women get away with abusive behavior more then they should is people still think with blinders on instead of looking at the facts. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 7:23:51 AM | My nephew is currently facing a situation where he could easily be dragged away.
She has basically told him to go and move out. They have a newborn and the typical arguments over petty stuff is occuring.
He is 6 foot 4 and weighs around 230lbs. She is 5 ft 5 and is lucky to weigh 130 lbs. wet. She only chooses to push her agenda at inappropraite times. He can be quite loud and has been known to punch a hole in the wall but he has never hit a woman.
If he does decide not to move out right away it would not too far fetched that she could use his size to her advantage. If she calls the police and they arrive to see her crying regardless of any contact it is quite sertain that he will be asked to leave, a record or filing of abuse could easily be had and he will suffer when it comes time to settle custody. Not to mention he could end up in jail for the night and this would be a permanent record that will affect all further dealings in court. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 3:16:28 PM |
I had never even thought about abusive men being a big problem in relationships until I began posting here on POF. Suddenly every other story of why a woman is no longer with her child's biological father included the abuse reason.
A lot of single parents are single due to abuse of some sort...whether it be a partner's chemical dependency, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, etc. I think it goes back to a woman's esteem issues and/or codependent personalities. Men who pray on women with lower esteem or a 'weakness' that they detect often display very charming personalities, and are master manipulators. http://www.takebackyourheart.com/ This site explains why a woman may be attracted to a sociopath. Narcissists are master mind game players. http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-gaslighting.html Some women are more susceptible to these mind games then others. I believe this depends on a woman's state of mind and insecurities.
But, to me it only makes sense that you could encounter many instances of abuse in a single parent forum. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 5:29:45 PM |
A lot of single parents are single due to abuse of some sort...whether it be a partner's chemical dependency, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, etc. I think it goes back to a woman's esteem issues and/or codependent personalities. Men who pray on women with lower esteem or a 'weakness' that they detect often display very charming personalities, and are master manipulators. http://www.takebackyourheart.com/ This site explains why a woman may be attracted to a sociopath. Narcissists are master mind game players. http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-gaslighting.html Some women are more susceptible to these mind games then others. I believe this depends on a woman's state of mind and insecurities.
But, to me it only makes sense that you could encounter many instances of abuse in a single parent forum.
Thanks for the website info.. I will read both of them soon.
I understand how a woman's lowered self esteem may cause her to be vulnerable to abusive men, but I still don't understand why so many men are abusive in the first place. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 5:39:54 PM | | In my families case it is tramatic expeierences....my dad went through, war and did work that probablly involved bad stuff......and many men are taught to be aggresive and have to be....they feel the world is on thier shoulders and resent women for being so dependent..........I think this is some, the ones who should not pursue women first of all. I kinda wish a real abuser would answer because I can only speculate.....my dad never explained...he has said he felt my mom never appreciated anything but it goes both ways... my mom would literally make gourmet dinners, cakes from scratch, clean constantly...............maybe the expect too much? | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/15/2009 5:53:43 PM |
I have been reading these forums for a few days now and something comes up again and again. Many women, when describing the circumstances during which they became single mothers, will explain that their ex- boyfriend or ex-husband was abusive.
Why are there so many abusive men?
There aren't, actually.
But they get around a lot. | |
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IQF
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Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 42 | |
| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/17/2009 11:21:39 AM | | It seems to me this conversation is really biased towards *physical* abuse. It makes sense in an adversarial or bullying situation where one is physically weaker than the target, that said physically weaker party would resort to some sort of mental or emotional abuse rather than physical. In that light, even if men and women were equally likely to abuse in general, we would expect to see more men physically abusing women than the other way around. In more of a fighting situation, this becomes a matter of difference in armaments of physical vs. emotional weaponry. In such a situation, it seems that any physical damage serves as far better proof than emotional damage. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/17/2009 2:10:27 PM | | it's always a sad sad situation. women AND men need to realize that they are worth far more than being abused. anyone that truly loves you would never strike you. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/17/2009 2:29:39 PM |
Women are more likely to call the police even when they are the ones in the wrong. This impacts the stats. Any one see this yet
I've read a few reports on this, and I'm sure I read a statement from Jon where he admits that he was the one who called the police... and rightfully so. Kate Gosselin was wrong for even showing up and shame on her for doing it.
However, the topic is about abusive men, and why it's so widespread. I'm not sure that posting "women do it to!" will be seen as anything but a diversion tactic. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/17/2009 6:24:36 PM | Rape and abuse is about power not love. I watch my mom go through a series of abusive relationships until I was 13 and the guy though I was his next victim. That ended with him knocked the f*ck out and my hands around his throat and us having to move out. If a man can put his hands on you and harm you he does not love you he thinks of you like he does his car. He owns you and feels like he should have control over any and everything you are. Women should leave the first time this happens so men like this can't create more like themselves out of your children who watched the abuse mental or physical and grow up thinkings its normal. So do yourself and your kids a favor. Leave, let it go ,stop the cycle. If women didn't stay then abuse wouldn't happen. Common now . y'all got half the money and all the P#ssy ya should be ruling the world by now.  | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/17/2009 6:35:22 PM |
So do yourself and your kids a favor. Leave, let it go ,stop the cycle. If women didn't stay then abuse wouldn't happen. Common now . y'all got half the money and all the P#ssy ya should be ruling the world by now.
Good points.
I still don't understand why men are abusive to begin with, though. I've heard a few good explanations. like the one about it being a generational thing. For example, a man saw his dad abuse his mom, now he abuses, etc.
Also, when I wrote the original post I was wondering if maybe the allegations of abuse may have been exaggerated by some. Maybe saying the ex was abusive was a convenient story, to cover for the real story in which the woman was some how at fault. Or perhaps the abuse story sounded better than the real story, which would have made the woman look less than intelligent for being with the guy in the first place.
Just speculating. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:16:50 PM | | I think the question should be Why are there so many abusive partners. Many women are extremely abusive too. Women are jsut more likely to actually say something about the abuse. Its sad, especially when children are involved. We just have to be adult enough to get out of the situation or if we are the abuser, get the help we need. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/29/2009 10:28:48 PM | One issue is that the term "abuse" casts an extremely wide net. It also generally garners sympathy towards those who fall victim to it.
What I have seen is that people in a relationship call difficulties "fights", "arguments", "disagreements", etc and talk about how the other person is ignorant, selfish, whatever; but they don't call it abuse until it gets physical. Once the relationship is over and there is the bitterness from the relationship ending, mixed with the human nature of people wanting support from their peers, people are much more likely to claim abuse from that relationship.
My ex and I had our share of arguments, like many married couples do. Nothing ever got physical. In the initial court filings and hearings nothing was ever said about abuse by either party. Once the courts awarded me interim custody, the next filing she placed with the courts was that I was verbally abusive during our marriage. In particular of pointing out her flaws in things such as spelling, grammar, mathematics and the like. She was trying to claim that I would be very critical and controlling of my children with these things as well and that would be harmful to their well being.
Morale of the story simply is that after a relationship ends, especially with kids and assets on the line, a mole hill can become a mountain very quickly. I think (and hope) that at least some of the people claiming abuse, even on POF, fall into this description. Not that any of them would admit it anyways. :p | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/30/2009 1:35:03 AM |
I have been reading these forums for a few days now and something comes up again and again. Many women, when describing the circumstances during which they became single mothers, will explain that their ex- boyfriend or ex-husband was abusive.
Why are there so many abusive men?
That is how some of them rationalise the breakup. A lot of the time it's not strictly true, or it's no more true than why are so many women neurotic.
Let's put it this way, when a kid is being physically guided out of a classroom for unruly behaviour and in particular affray by the teacher, it is not uncommon for them to say something like, "Don't touch me you damn psycho!"
And if female to even suggest that she'd been touched inappropriately to others.
Call it the psychology of relationship breakdowns.
You...didn't think everyone on these forums were rational and reasonable human beings did you? Have you been reading some of their postings? | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 8/30/2009 1:45:41 AM | Hey sorry for your mum 8567, I won't comment on something as personal as your dad because I'd be running off at the mouth without knowing the specific situation intimately and that's not very fair, but if you don't mind it sounds like he treated your mum like an a$$.
Thankfully though they managed to parent a beautiful and attentive daughter. I'd say sorry about jumping on you about the bigotry thing once (as I was merely giving the scientific perspective on the situation), preferrably by PM but missed out on your message requirements by one year  and I know you probably wouldn't want to see the likes of me in your inbox anyway.
But honestly as I mentioned I do quite like you, just don't always agree with some of your views.
On this thing though, well as I said I'm sorry for your mum's situation, I hope he was kinder to you. It would be a cruel thing not to treat you well I think. My apolegies if this seems like a forum stalker post, as I said I'd rather have apolegised for any offence taken by personal message and not bothered you after that (but couldn't). | |
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