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Vasqi
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Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 76 | |
| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 3:13:25 AM | Well, I certainly don't think it would bother me if I met a girl and then found out she lived with her parents (sorry, it's just that the phrase "living at home" sounds silly to me, because your home is where you live...). It woulden't matter to me what her reasons or motivations and whatnot were either.
I have a friend who is 34 (I think) and he's been in a good relationship with a chick who lives with her parents still (she simply never moved out). They've been together for going on a year now, and I think he even moved in for a short time. Furthermore, that same dude has three kids and is a very responsible father, so if anyone was going to pass judgement about being irresponsible, you'd think it'd be him. But no, the fact is (as has been said before) when you're really into someone, you are all to willing to overlook a few imperfections.
In fact, 'the willingness to overlook a few imperfections' is the key to any long lasting relationship.
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 5:03:18 AM | Steve,
Have you ever thought about the saying "Momma's boy" and that if a man lives at his parents house that it can be construed as him being a momma's boy? Unwilling to leave the nest or cut the ties to the apron of the one that raised him and venture out on his own. To be independent and not dependent. To be the man of his kingdom and not the subject of another. The media has blasted momma's boy so much, for so long, that we are geared to automatically look down upon, and dismiss anyone that fits that billing. Maybe that is what's happening to you, just a thought...
I have a co-worker that lives at his parents house to help because his father is ill and won't ever get better. Kudos' to him.
I had an ex girlfriend that lived at her parents house so she could get drunk every night. No kudos' for her.
I myself went homeless for a bit in my 20's because I didn't want the stigma of living with my parents.
To each their own and their own opinion.
Peace... | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 6:13:32 AM | "What Ive discovered about the living at home issue"
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Maybe the financial crisis has started to sink into the most narrow minds out there. You move out when you can. It's as simple as that. It should only be a "problem" to the one concerned, not other people. If A meets B who's got his/her own place, then both can be a B's place so why make a big deal out of it. No one's perfect and if that's the only "issue", great. Things on the outside are easier to change than inner problems.
Just my take on it. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 3:27:01 PM | I lived with my parents for 7 years, before they passed, while they were going through illness.
Out of their 8 children, I was the one who could afford not to work full time. I had no children or a husband to tend to.
I did meet a few men who had adversion to me once I told them who I lived with. I could care less what they thought of me.
I was all about honoring my parents, instead of paying a stranger to make sure they were ok. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 7:31:32 PM | People male and female judge quickly .I was back at home for a bit I sold almost everything I owned to get the money together to start my own business,It's all good now .I'm not at my parents or renting for the score keepers .Most people don't see the big picture .I may have missed out on a couple of dates due to this but who cares.
This judgement of people can go for everything like cars ,clothes size of house . I know a guy very successful with his business but his life style on the surface is very modest he and his family are happy and thats what really counts .
The people that matter don't care .And the people that care don't matter .Read that someplace. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 7:34:42 PM | Actually, I would think the living at home thing would be a problem. But more and more people live at home in this generation than in the past. It's a different way of doing things.
I'm talking to a girl who lives at home. I have no problems with it, I mean, hey I have my own place, so what do I care? As long as their folks don't get weird or anything. Especially with this recession, it is understandable. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 8:36:45 PM | Am I the only one who finds the double-standard in this profile troubling? You insist on trying to debunk stereotypes and justify your decision to live with your mother, yet your profile is to perpetrate similar negative stereotypes about those who are divorced.
For example, why is it appropriate to express in your profile that a "woman over 32" who is divorced "has poor family values" or a lack of commitment to making a marraige work, when you find it so inappropriate that people on internet dating sites are quick to judge you harshly about your choice to live with your mother?
There are many reasons marriages fail, just as their are many reasons multiple generations might choose to live under one roof. Being divorced is not a label I'm proud to bear, nor is it an experience I would wish on anyone. But it certainly should not define me as flaky or lacking in family values any more so than your choice to live with your mother should define you as irresponsible or a caregiver, no? | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 9:39:37 PM | Very good point, Jenitoo!
Many times people bash certain things stereotypically, yet, when it comes to their own, they bash "bashing things stereotypically". I think assuming someone who's over 30 and divorced is one who has commitment & solution-finding problems is a WORSE, crazy stereotype than someone living with their parents being a loser and/or has issues. Because statistically, if a guy's over 30 and living with his parents, chances are he is a loser/issues, but you shouldn't assume that to an individual automatically (but no stranger's obligated to figure out if you're the exception). I've never been married, but I do know that if someone is divorced, it's not a rare exception that they divorced because they didn't BOTH had commitment issues or lack ability to work thru problems. That's crazy talk. lol
Getting back to living with your parents -- it doesn't MEAN you're a loser, it's just a high statistical chance that you don't have things going for you and are not in position to date. There are exceptions, and I'm sure if someone found out you were tending to sick parents, that's admirable in many womens' eyes, but again, a stranger is (a) not in any position to have to believe that off the bat from a guy lookin' to date, and (b) if they do believe it, you're still not in a prime situation to date (most likely). If you lived in your parents' mansion and had a small wing to yourself while you took care of them? Sure... or were temporarily at your parent's house with a section to yourself while you were shopping for a place as you just moved to this city a week ago? Okay. Again, exceptions, but if they don't know you, they're not going to want to get to know you to date, until you're living in your own place. How are you going to bring a gal home?? "Yeah, I got roommates.. uuhh, I call them mom and dad..." | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:15:56 PM | One past co-worker was living at home helping his dad out. His mom passed away and his dad's health was not the best. But when he met a girl who insisted he let his dad "fend for himself" saying things like "He is a grown adult, he can take of himself." and "I am sure other family member can help him out." So what does he do? moves out on his own, and his dad got more ill. But he kept thinking what his new gf said and so he figured his relatives would pick up the slack so to speak. Well his dad had a heart attack at home, he was worried because he had not gotten a hold of him. Called his older sister, uncle etc. So he went over to the house and he found his dad sitting in a chair dead. Sad but true. His gf told him his dad was in a better place and now he can live his life. 6 months later his gf left him because he was still mourning over his dad.
Crazy that he chose to move out because of a woman telling him to not care for his dad, to let others do it. But I know many who have done this because they want to make the woman happy.
Family comes first in my eyes. If your mom or dad are sick, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of them. If they or you only have one parent, and they are in financial problems, again nothing wrong with say moving in and helping them out.
Why so many women frown upon this I will never know. But it has shocked me over the past years. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:50:05 PM | Am I the only one who finds the double-standard in this profile troubling? You insist on trying to debunk stereotypes and justify your decision to live with your mother, yet your profile is to perpetrate similar negative stereotypes about those who are divorced.
For example, why is it appropriate to express in your profile that a "woman over 32" who is divorced "has poor family values" or a lack of commitment to making a marraige work, when you find it so inappropriate that people on internet dating sites are quick to judge you harshly about your choice to live with your mother?
Jenitoo, come on now. Lets not get out of hand here and quote me as saying something that I did not. My profile says (and always has said) the following word for word about the divorce issue: .........
I generally prefer foreign ladies because of their great family values, belief in marriage (as in dont divorce so easily like we americans do-easy come easy go is how we americans do it)
This phrase in my profile is not blaming american woman in particular for divorces, and for gods sake it certainly doesnt say "every woman who is divorced has poor family values or a lack of commitmment to make it work". Where in the heck did you get that from?? Talking about falsifying what someone says in their profile. Geez(rolling eyes). Please dont put words in my mouth, I would greatly appreciate it.
Now to be completely honest, and fair to what you are trying to imply, I have posted elsewhere on other threads that I do firmly believe that American woman do often divorce and break their vows becuase their husband no longer is making enough money. (lost job, unable t o find work over extended periods of time despite trying, pay cut etc etc)Actually, finances is the #1 cause of divorce in this country. My best friend's father is a marriage counselor at the church I attend and he says more often than not, the finances issue comes up when the woman is leaving her husband because he's no longer making enough money or because he's not able to support her or the family as well as she thinks he should. This was interesting to hear! And when I look at American ladies dating profiles at sites such as match.com, one can clearly notice that most AMerican ladies list minimum incomes of $40K + , while the foreign ladies (especially Asians and latinas) living in the US typically dont list minimum incomes on their dating profiles. Before anyone says Im full of it, go to match .com and see for yourself before spouting off that I dont know what Im talking about. The trend is clear cut.Everything I say can be proven if one takes the time to check out what Im saying. My point is, I think most (NOT ALL!) American ladies do have pretty high expectatioins about a man's income compared to foreign ladies.Especially those living in the big cities. I find country ladies to be less focused on how much a man makes. I think the resason why foreign ladies dont care is that they often come from poorer countries where they are used to living with much less, much less than even our own poor in many cases. SO, in essence, their 'material' expections are not as high, they are less likely to be "high maintenance", thus less likely to 'judge ' a man based on his income, and can be very happy with much less. So, I do believe they are a safer bets in marriage.
Anyways, in case many here want to dispute me on this, see the divorce rate around the world
http://www.darndivorce.com/divorce-rates-around-the-world/
America has a 55% , 2nd highest in the world!! Half of the world's countries have a divorce rate of less than 25%!! We obviously have issues with our marriage vows in comparison to the rest of the world. ThoughI understand in many cases its not a matter of vows, sometimes its a matter of necessity to divorce from a toxic marriage or if someone has cheated on the other or is abusing t he other etc etc. But setting those extreme cases aside, as a country, we are generally easy come easy go with our marriage vows. I mean how many times have we all heard of cases where one spouse says "I dont love you anymore" , and they end up divorcing? It happens all the t ime. So Im not anti american or being stereotypical or whatever when I bring this up in my profile. The things I say are not made up, they are supported by truth and fact.
I never said "ALL americans are this or that way". Obviously there are 46% of americans who don't divorce. But there are indeed factual TRENDS or generalities. And we americans do take marriage in a easy come , easy go attitude. Many experts have commented as much.(See below).
And lastly, Dr Laura Schlessinger once said the following on her radio show here in Dallas regarding the high divorce rate in our country"Americans wake up one day and suddenly say 'I dont love you anymore' so I want a divorce". | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/7/2009 11:35:49 PM |
Family comes first in my eyes. If your mom or dad are sick, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of them. If they or you only have one parent, and they are in financial problems, again nothing wrong with say moving in and helping them out.
Why so many women frown upon this I will never know. But it has shocked me over the past years.
I hear ya. But again, 99% of foreign ladies wont frown on this, its simply a "non issue" to them. Man, just look at that one girl on this thread who just layed it out on the line and said "if you live at home, your a loser period! Get over it! ". This attitude is not at all uncommon with AMerican ladies, and it goes hand in hand with their sensitivity to a man's income when it comes to who they are willing to date or not date. Again, foreign ladies in general (Im talking generalities, not every case of course) are more concerned as to the character of a man and whether he will make a good husband and father than they are about how much money he makes or the standard of living he can provide. Im only repeatedly pointing this out because if anything, I want guys to realize the real differences that exist out there and to realize that there are ladies out there who dont judge a man on this issue and who dont focus so much on a man's income when it comes to dating. Not all men realize or know this. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/8/2009 12:29:53 AM | There are sometimes good reasons to live at home ( although I would rather peddle pencils on a street corner).
But what I have found from the many I woman I have asked for fun, is that its ok that a woman lives at home with parents for any number of reasons.... BUT, if a MAN lives at home with his parents... WATCH OUT... HE'S A LOSER?
Interesting.... no? I find similiar hypocrisies with incomes and other interesting subject matters non related to this particular forum.
It's too bad really. Maybe this will change one day... maybe for our great grand children
It will never change because women know there is always a sucker around the corner somewhere.
The double standards, the hypocrisies are all benefitting women. And women know that if a man wants to have a partner, he must abide by what she wants and her rules.
You rarely hear women say "I can't do that, my man would never let me." to her friends. You always hear men say "Oh my woman would never let me go there, or do that." And that is the truth.
When a man says something truthful or calls a woman on something, she gets defensive and says "See you are all bitter." Or "No wonder you are single"
or "Why do you have to be an a$$hole"
Because they want everything thier way. Men must change thier ways, their friends, thier interests, even thier jobs for women to want them.
A woman would never do that because she knows that there are tons of single available men out there.
So she can live at home, but the man better not. She can have a close relationship with her parents, he better not with his.
All part of how things have evolved and the double standard has been put in place.
Women will say 'I am old fashioned' and she is in her 30's. Someone in her 50's I can see saying that.
If a man is taking care of his parents, living at "home", he is not dating material. Because his disposable income won't be enough to spend on the woman.
Funny how it works this way. A man lives at home helping his parents out, paying the bills in the household, yet a woman says "You live at home? You loser."
When did this society become selfishness first?
No wonder so many men and women do not want to date. Because no one wants to compromise, respect the other person.
My god a friend of mine's mom passed away 6 months ago, so he told his dad to move into the house he has. His dad is 75. Most people would say 'Put him in a seniors home, then the budrden is taken off of you." In otherwords your father is interfering with your life." Sad. I praise him for what he is doing, yet he got major flack from his gf. "Oh now your father will be there all the time. Why did you do that?"
But if it were her parents, look out because it is different because she is a woman. So she is allowed to do what he did. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/8/2009 1:27:52 AM | | Forums001, spot on brotha! This paints what our American society has become. Throw the parents in the nursing home, get em out of the way, meanwhile every single Asian or Latino family here in the usa has their old parents living with them. There are some exceptions out there of course. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/8/2009 2:06:54 AM | My ex husband moved from mommy's house to my house and I gotta tell ya. . . there's something to be said about that. Granted, he's an only child of an only child so it was a bit different but our child became an only child too. Still. . . he never caught on to as the bible teaches "leave your Mother and cleave to your wife". That is of course until I left him after 12 years of cleaving to his Mother. Now he cleaves to his ex wife and his Mother. Go figure! | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/9/2009 1:57:00 PM | Steve,
Here's a better way of putting it, we can start with something more obvious. Say you're living in a nursing home that your parents live in, with your own room down the hall from them.
From your room, you hop on POF scoping for dates, and you get upset that women won't date you. They won't want to, even if they think you're a really kind, great guy. It's the situation. Offline? They won't, but your chances would be a little better if they chit-chatted with you in person beforehand.
I think running into girls "offline" breeds a little better results, because they get a chance to chit-chat in person and get to know you with a more of a sense of trust that you're telling the truth about your situation. But still, you aren't very dateable living with your parents. Online? Yes, you are less dateable, of an already not-very-dateable scenario. Online is NOT a place to go if you're in the same situation people are in who are losers or who have hang-ups.
There could be a guy who LEFT his job because his skill-set could bring him 6 figures over his normal middle-class income, he had a lot of money saved in the bank, but moved back home to his parents for a month or two because he didn't want to buy a house yet because he he'd want to choose the house (or apt) based on where he'd be hired. He goes online or offline, and he has to say to girls "Don't have a job NOW, and yes, I live with my parents..." they don't know if they're excuses or not. And also, he could be a guy with some mental with issues, too. Who knows! It's odd! They have every right to be suspicious and it's not their obligation to play jury on it, so he has to know "During this time, I can't expect every STRANGER to believe me, because there's the other 90% who are falisifying identical scenarios, and in reality are there due to them truly not being a good catch." | |
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Vasqi
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Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 91 | |
| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/10/2009 12:04:34 AM |
One past co-worker was living at home helping his dad out. His mom passed away and his dad's health was not the best. But when he met a girl who insisted he let his dad "fend for himself" saying things like "He is a grown adult, he can take of himself." and "I am sure other family member can help him out." So what does he do? moves out on his own, and his dad got more ill. But he kept thinking what his new gf said and so he figured his relatives would pick up the slack so to speak. Well his dad had a heart attack at home, he was worried because he had not gotten a hold of him. Called his older sister, uncle etc. So he went over to the house and he found his dad sitting in a chair dead. Sad but true. His gf told him his dad was in a better place and now he can live his life. 6 months later his gf left him because he was still mourning over his dad.
Crazy that he chose to move out because of a woman telling him to not care for his dad, to let others do it. But I know many who have done this because they want to make the woman happy.
Family comes first in my eyes. If your mom or dad are sick, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of them. If they or you only have one parent, and they are in financial problems, again nothing wrong with say moving in and helping them out.
Why so many women frown upon this I will never know. But it has shocked me over the past years.
Wow! I actually had a similar experience with a girl that I met here on POF not long ago. I really don't want to get into the private details, but I told her basically, if she honestly thinks that I'm going to turn my back on my family in their time of need for some chick I barely know, she's got a screw loose.
In this case, it turned out that the girl did not have any strong family ties, so she couldn't conceive of any reason why I shouldn't put her first.
... I explained it to her dumbass. She never questioned me about anything like that again. I think we dated for about another 3 weeks before cuttin' ties. So, you're right, you can't turn your back on you family for some stranger that might not even be sticking around for the long haul. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 6/10/2009 5:44:22 AM |
Second ... meat markets are everywhere, but would have to agree to some extent that in cyber space, people are more likely to meet the predatory or sociopathic types then your functionally-dysfunctional normal type in real life. lol
Really....you are the first candidate for that classifcation I have come across and I even check out th men. Maybe I need to look harder... | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 9/20/2009 3:08:45 PM | Steve 2600, You sound like you have some baggage issues that you are judging all women by. If you had read my comment thoroughly, instead of jumping to conclusions, you would see that I said each person's reason for living at home should be taken into consideration. I also said that being responsible goes for both men and women. It is a TWO-way street.
You sound angry and you ranted quite a bit about your own personal assumptions. Is that because you had a bad experience and now all women must pay for it? LOL...
I think it is quite appropriate for you to consider why a grown woman is still living at home. I don't know why you wouldn't. The entire situation would certainly need to be looked at and if it looks like she is not contributing to her own household, what can she contribute to yours? Would you want to work all day and have a woman at home who does not cook or clean? It's unbalanced. Relationships are about working together. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:04:35 PM | seeking serendipity can't be that good if she has to use that ugly C word abou fellow women.
I can see some guys who live with aging parents who also take care of them, helping out with bills,etc. But the majority I meet are the Baby Huey types whose parents still foot the entire bill. The ones I dated were irresponsible.
So I say we can agree or disagree with someone, but we are not grammar school children. Can we stop name calling. That is such an ugly word!
Everything I have I bought, so I am far from materialistic. However, I don't want a guy who sponges off of me either. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:39:37 AM | why does one assume that living at home automatically means "rent free"?
to be perfectly honest I live at home and I pay MORE for rent at home than I would in an apartment somewhere else in the city. why? because I would rather see my parents enjoy the money than some slumlord that I know I would have an adversarial relationship with. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 9/21/2009 9:05:10 AM | | Absolutely would NOT date a man that lived with his parent(s). I don't care the reason, it's just not something I'm interested in doing. Grown man needs to have his name on a lease/mortgage somewhere. If he stays with his parents overnight on occasion because they are sick, no problem. But every single night and he doesn't have four walls and a roof of his own? No way. Come to think of it, I wouldn't date a man with roomate(s) either. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:03:21 AM | "Absolutely would NOT date a man that lived with his parent(s). I don't care the reason, it's just not something I'm interested in doing. Grown man needs to have his name on a lease/mortgage somewhere. If he stays with his parents overnight on occasion because they are sick, no problem. But every single night and he doesn't have four walls and a roof of his own? No way. Come to think of it, I wouldn't date a man with roomate(s) either."
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I don't think that you date men at all... | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:32:58 AM | so essentially what you're saying is that you'd rather date someone that will be murdered with debt for who knows how long in lieu of living alone or renting? that's "clever"....
I dunno, even though I make a lot of money - a union backed job - paying over 100% interest on a mortgage just seems like a scam to me. sorry to say, but I find it impossible to believe you'll ever lasoo a man with what you're "interested in doing." riddle me this. isn't it smarter to save as much as possible to put down a lot and lessen the interest payments by 10 or 15 or 20 years or just piss away all that extra interest for 25 years?
pardon me for supporting my family first and not a bank. | |
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| What Ive discovered about the living at home issue
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:46:20 AM |
so essentially what you're saying is that you'd rather date someone that will be murdered with debt for who knows how long in lieu of living alone or renting?
There are certain types of debt that are absolutely appropriate and expected (i.e. rent/mortgage and car payment). If you are being "murdered" by either or both of these then maybe you are living beyond your means & need to re-evaluate your spending. | |
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