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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:44:21 AM | | Sorry to hear you had to go through that girl. I know way too many scumbag guys. I work hard to be a good father even though I'm divorced. I don't understand why so many men refuse to live up to their responsibilities! | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:09:02 AM |
( "I gave birth to this baby, because that was my choice".) Then you should except responsibility of taking care of your baby. Thats the problem with our socity, no one wants to take responsibility. They want someone else to take on the responsibility, or pay for it.
I think you've missed her say, more than once, that she IS taking responsibility for it. She's going to school and working part time. I don't know the circumstances of her pregnancy, but you and others seem to have assumed that she got pregnant on purpose and against his wishes. Nothing she has posted has suggested that; she has said that she was with him for several years, and as far as she knew he was in favor of having a family. That it was too soon for him is obvious, and since only he and she were there at the time of conception, how do you (or anyone) know that it wasn't him who "made the mistake" that got her pregnant? You don't know, you are assuming - and then you say she doesn't want to take responsibility. You want to let him off the hook, on all kinds of unsubstantiated assumptions about her behavior and motivations. He was there. He knows babies get made by f*cking. If one gets made because he was f*cking, he's half responsible for that.
It's this attitude that continues to teach men that they should avoid responsiblity for kids if at all possible - it's ok if they do, becuase it was her fault she got pregnant and not fair to him. If guys don't want a baby, they should take their own personal responsibility for birth control, and not leave it entirely to the woman. If nothing else, that would ensure there was double the protection - and if she was playing games, he'd unlikely be caught by them. If you want to talk about "taking responsibility" start with the guy taking responsibility for preventing their own sperm from connecting with her ovum.
The only reason i say this is because, lets just say that he wants the baby and you don't. You can just get rid of it, and he has no say about it, or right to do anything about it
This, I agree, is unfair on the face of it. I don't know what the answer is, since it's also true that during the time a woman carries a baby, she is subject to whatever changes and risks to her body that come with pregnancy - she's not just a test tube and incubator available for gestating a baby that a man wants.
Next time get married first. Then you'll know if your in love or not. Then have kids. 
Yeah, right. And do you know - she'd be getting the same crapola from people, even if they had gotten married. Guys (and some women) would still be saying - you got pregnant on purpose, you b*tch, what were you thinking if you knew the marriage was in trouble, you should never have gotten pregnant. And guys saying "the baby is probably someone else's, anyway". Marriage does not solve the problem of an unexpected and unwanted baby. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:16:13 AM | | jesseld you are WRONG. Nothing cannot turn into something. Whether you want to admit it or not a baby IS a baby at the time of conception. Whether it is a bunch of cells, a fetus or whatever you want to call it to try and prove that it is not a human being it IS a human being. A tree cannot become a tree unless there is a seed. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:32:54 AM | Packagedealx3 in post 32 nailed it.
I had the, AT THE TIME, unfortunate experience of CO-CREATING a child that was not in the plans at all given I was too young as was the mother. She took the opportunity to vanish while I was on vacation and I did not even know she was pregnant until there were no options but to have the child. I offered support and was turned down, and never saw my son, nor did she ever contact me again, from that point going forward. 10 yes 10 years later I get a call from the legal department at my company stating there was a state requesting to garnish my wages for back child support and ongoing child support. I did not even know anyone in that state, could not for the life of me figure out what was going on until I rememberred I had a son I had never seen.
Long story short, it took a year to get things settled out, but I now see my son twice a year and gladly pay child support and have for the last 6 years. But 16 years ago I was given a chance to run and took it. Hindsight being what it is I should have fought back then, but I was too young and immature to see that then.
OP: Do not be surprised if this boy wants to be a part of his child's life at some point in the future. Please understand that no matter what happens from this point forward you are always going to have a relationship with this boy and eventually man as he is the father of your child. Hang in there do the best you can for you and your child and things will get better in time.
Bill | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:43:20 AM | Pro-Filer . Yes i understand where your comming from. Please don't think i'm one off thoes guys. Yes she said she was taking responsibility. Also she said she was taking him to court for money to help support the baby. This is a 2 way street. She excepted the seed. ( If you don't want flowers growing in your garden, then pull them out )
If you don't want to pull them out then live with it. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:07:16 AM |
( If you don't want flowers growing in your garden, then pull them out )
I'm not a woman who is against abortion per se: I've never been faced with that choice, but I am certain that I would have taken it if I did not want a baby at that time. Having said that, I also understand that for women, this is a very difficult decision to make - and I am grateful I was never in that position. Women are raised from infancy to be "mothers" - they get baby dolls and accessories from the time they are born; they are taught to babysit, to nurture, to raise babies. All this social conditioning, as well as their biological urge, what they were made to do, essentially. I am not surprised that for some women, aborting a baby is simply not doable - even if they survived the physical operation, the mental anguish would likely be permanent. I don't think guys understand just quite how deeply this would affect some women; they toss abortion around as if it were nothing - which, for many of them, it very likely is.
I notice these solutions are essentially designed to reduce the man's responsibility, risk and inconvenience, not so much for the woman - she can suffer for being pregnant with a man's baby, that he didn't want. Or she can go through the trauma - physical and emotional - of aborting the baby that the man doesn't want. Or, finally, she can go through the emotional and lifelong trauma of giving up the baby that theman doesn't want. Or she can carry the baby the man does want to term. Let her be responsible, is the cry, based on what the man wants.
In reality, paying child support is the bare mimimum of responsiblity when one considers the daily care, nurturing and expense that goes into raising a kid for upwards of 20 years. Most NCP male parents are better off financially then the mother of their child, even with paying child support. It amazes me that so many men don't realize this, or refuse to acknowledge it, and feel so hard done by when held even minimally responsible for their children.
My personal preferred solution - all kids should have their baby making aparatus put on hold at birth, only undoing the operation when they are adult, in a stable relationship, with both signing avadavits (sp?) and contracts stating that they want the kid and agree to be equally responsible for it's care, financially and emotionally. But I think we aren't that far advanced medically, and can't imagine the outcry if that were ever seriously put forward as a solution to teen pregnancy and unwanted babies. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 10:04:53 AM | life is a marathon, and at times, we forget that it is. sometimes our intense emotions make us lose focus, and we only tend to see only what is a few days, weeks ahead of us. when those emotions are negative, usually the whole of our future appears negative. when those emotions are positive, then our futures appears such. right now, the baby's father may have been scared, and upset, regarding the responsibility of taking care of a child. he may still want to have fun, party, date, etc.. n now he may feel tie down to a situation, and may feel that he is way too young. he appears angry, based on what u have written..
but that is just the current emotional state. it doesn't mean that it will carry into the future. it may, but it can also change. i am dad of two, and they changed my life. and trust me, there is nothing better than being a dad. i wouldn't force him to do anything for you or the baby-- it must come from him. teach your baby to love her dad, even if he is not around. find stories that highlights his best attributes, and tell them to her. if it takes him a while to come around, make your baby send him christmas gifts, and father day cards. always keep that door open, not because of you or him, but because of your baby, cause she needs him. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:14:08 AM |
jesseld you are WRONG. Nothing cannot turn into something. Whether you want to admit it or not a baby IS a baby at the time of conception. Whether it is a bunch of cells, a fetus or whatever you want to call it to try and prove that it is not a human being it IS a human being. A tree cannot become a tree unless there is a seed.
Whether it was human or not wasn't in question, whether it would suffer was the point of debate. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 12:56:15 PM | Realize a couple of things. One, this guy is not a man, it's a boy. Boys say all kinds of things. They can say I wish I has a gun so I can be like dirty Harry and shoot people. Then put a real gun in their hand and a situation that requires some degree of courage and they sh it on their pants. You see. A boy. So understand that. He told you a lot of things, some he wished he meant, most he didn't.
Then you got pregnant. I don't know and you have not said if it was an accident, or you wanted to have his baby, or what. But the moment that you became pregnant the little girl in you is dead. Now you're a mom. Now your instincts scream responsibility. And I don't know if you are or not, but those are the instincts you have, that is your reality, whether you like it or not. He, well, is still a boy, that wants to do what boys do, that is not care about a thing. So, as long as the sex was available, and you did not look like a blimp pregnant woman he was ready.
My advice is to stay way from boys whose word is worth sh it. And use better protection the next time. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 1:16:07 PM | who cares how it got here.
it a kid for ----- sake!
raise it!
what kinds of grandiose dreams you got, anyways?
isn;t running away from that responsability going to screw with your mind for the rest of your life?
certainly the kid is going to have to prosses that information. [daddy had more important things to do, but he loves you!] | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 4:43:34 PM |
I think you've missed her say, more than once, that she IS taking responsibility for it. She's going to school and working part time. I don't know the circumstances of her pregnancy, but you and others seem to have assumed that she got pregnant on purpose and against his wishes. Nothing she has posted has suggested that; she has said that she was with him for several years, and as far as she knew he was in favor of having a family. That it was too soon for him is obvious, and since only he and she were there at the time of conception, how do you (or anyone) know that it wasn't him who "made the mistake" that got her pregnant? You don't know, you are assuming - and then you say she doesn't want to take responsibility. You want to let him off the hook, on all kinds of unsubstantiated assumptions about her behavior and motivations. He was there. He knows babies get made by f*cking. If one gets made because he was f*cking, he's half responsible for that.
It's this attitude that continues to teach men that they should avoid responsiblity for kids if at all possible - it's ok if they do, becuase it was her fault she got pregnant and not fair to him. If guys don't want a baby, they should take their own personal responsibility for birth control, and not leave it entirely to the woman. If nothing else, that would ensure there was double the protection - and if she was playing games, he'd unlikely be caught by them. If you want to talk about "taking responsibility" start with the guy taking responsibility for preventing their own sperm from connecting with her ovum.
Ditto.  | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/5/2009 5:30:06 PM |
OP, I have a question I've always wanted to ask girls in this position. They're pregnant, with a bad guy who treats them like crap. Why did you have the baby?
Are you srious dude..Well I guess cause everyone is not financially well off to cover up their mistakes. Or maybe some people value life more than being a murderer. Look dude pregnancy unfortunately is not an easy fix. Don't make it seem like a ****ing scab you can put a bandaid over and cover...Plus he only started being a douchebag to her after he knocked her up. Typical for immature males who can't handle responsiblity. The audacity of this guy! | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/6/2009 9:45:42 AM | sex is fun, fun, fun, oh s--t a baby, I'm outa here!!!!
HOWEVER it happened, there now is a baby, take care of it!
can someone even tell me something more important than raising a kid properly?
or more satisfying? | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/6/2009 2:02:07 PM | Unfortunately, he is acting the way he is; young, immature and silly. You see it happening before your eyes and nothing you can do about it. Better you concentrate on you and the baby. When the sht hits the fan then he will wake up to his responsibility
You question his love for you. Well look at your situation now, are you getting any love from him? A big fat no! | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/7/2009 5:30:07 AM |
totally agree. the thing is that life is tough and sometimes it throws u a fast ball that is heading for you head. shin up, and handle it. the more you seem to be feeling sorry for yourself, the longer it will take you to live a constructive life. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/7/2009 7:47:22 AM | to answer your question: yes, he absolutely loved you. you were together and happy for 3 years. was he able to deliver when your future changed and move from boy to man? no. doesn't really matter whether he was selfish, immature, or scared to death...he was unable or unwilling to cope. it had nothing to do with you. it had to do with him. end of story.
so, bright-siding it: you're not going to be one of those who try to stick it out and make each other miserable for a few years bringing up baby in a negative atmosphere; you're not going to be one of those who has baby #2 hoping it will repair things; you're not going to be one of those looking the other way and hurting while he sneaks out because he wasn't ready to settle down; you're not going to be one of those who hang in there for 20 years before you admit you've blown some of your best years in a loveless marriage. you've escaped what often is the next step...compounding one mistake with another.
you're gonna be sad and bereft for a year or so, but taking care of your baby is going to keep your mind occupied. you're well rid of him. better he crashed and burned now then further on down the road after you had invested more years of your life beating a dead horse. it ain't gonna be easy kiddo, but you'll do OK...just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. don't look back. what's done is done. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/7/2009 7:51:56 AM |
sex is fun, fun, fun, oh s--t a baby, I'm outa here!
There is a step missing in your sequence. Somewhere along the line someone had to be irresponsible.
can someone even tell me something more important than raising a kid properly?
There are many things more important than raising a kid properly. Those things are usually the conditions necessary for raising a kid properly. For example, health, peace of mind, sufficient resources, and good education.
How about making sure the kid has a father, or that it's wanted and planned by both of it's parents?
or more satisfying?
Most people have sex for pleasure not kids. So sex is more satisfying than raising a kid properly.... not because I say so, but because there are more sex acts than kids born in any given year. If I had to guess, the ratio is 1000 to 1 - for every 1000 sex acts, one kid is born. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/7/2009 9:37:41 AM | Did he really love you? A side of him maybe did, I say maybe because love is not something that just happens overnight, a lot of time has to go by before anyone can know what "real" love is and even then it is hard to know.
But you have seen another side of him and that side obviously doesn't or can't love you and that side you have learned is a real part of him. A side that maybe he didn't even know he had. But don't think that it will just disappear some where. And don't take responsibilty for this side of him.
Sounds like there are issues at play. Issues that only he can deal with. Issues brought on by that word "mother" perhaps, who knows. I say this because from what you wrote he became someone else just as you went from "girlfriend" to "mother/girlfriend". When that happened, everything changed and it is amazing how most people are not prepared for those changes and instead learn the hard way. Anyways the important thing is that you learned something, you have haven't you? Something you did not expect, now you have to decide and take responsibility for what you are going to do with what you have learned. Personally, I would say, and understanding how unfair it might sound because you are the one left holding all the responsibiltes, and not to mention the broken dreams, stay away from that situation, for your sake and your childs. You have seen something that could get a lot worse. If he wants to get some help in figuring out what is going on with himself, fix it and then prove to you that it is, thats fine. But that is a road he has to take alone. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:41:53 AM | hey x, is that what your mom told you?
kids, might be one of those things, like, you got to have been there.
what broken dreams? 1960?
am I missing something? what the heck are all these freekin dreams everyone is always talking about that we somehow miss when a child comes along?
If you can't find pleasure in the simple day to day stuff, your going to have issues every day!
get your head screwed on facing more or less the right way and everything will look a lot better. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/7/2009 3:40:44 PM | I guess a ot of people here are confuse about this Post, I asked if Maybe he ever loved me? I never put the topic about my child up for discussion!
So to everyone that is going to comment on why I had her, read the post first.
I had her period, that is no ones bussiness no more. I have her Im doing great as a mom, I go to school, work and have tons of time wiht her still... He couldnt be a father that is his problem not mone any more, I know what it is not to have a father, and sometimes is better that way. I had a **** up as a dad, do Im glad he was never around, and my daughters father is now one.
Just because I had a babu doesnt mean my life is messed up, on the other hand I have more strenght to finish college and become someone in a future. So not for one second think that I feel sorry for myself, just because I wonder what happend to him it doesnt mean that Im done living. I loved him, he left us, well is done and oer with, I can do this alone... Ive being alone since he kicked me out, and I was 6 and half monhs pregnant going to school... and I did great in my semester so Im completely convince I don need him, BUT AGAIN I WONDER WHY HE LEFT OUT OF NOWHERE... I got a tons of answer and I guess they make sense... but other answer have nothing to do wiht the topic, so my child is not for discussion... If one of you dont like the fact I had her then Im sorry deal with it, none of you is the one that is going to raise her and see her become a great women, I AM, and I am more than happy to do it. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/7/2009 4:02:20 PM | | I was once where you are and I'm proof that with hard work, determination and a good dose of optimism you can make a great life for yourself and your child. Don't dwell on why he left, be grateful that he showed his true colours early on and you didn't waste more of your life on him. Live your life for you and your daughter and guard your heart carefully so that you don't fall for another wolf in sheep's clothing. Unlike others, I believe he loved you but some men just aren't ready for responsibility and like I said, be glad you found out now so you can find a good man who is reliable, hard working and loves you AND your daughter. It will happen, trust me. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/8/2009 8:05:37 AM |
BUT AGAIN I WONDER WHY HE LEFT OUT OF NOWHERE...
Save this thread and read it in 20 or 30 years from now. If then, when reading your own words, you still like the person who spoke them, you can conclude he was fool for leaving you, and if you don't, then you will know the real reason he left you. | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/8/2009 8:57:12 AM |
"It was big time immature of him"
This is what I don't get. Is it immature for just the boy who doesn't want forced fatherhood (as Annie said) or is it immature for the girl who didn't take the morning after pill.
I'm genuinely confused on this issue.
You aren't the only one.
Of course girls like this don't take the morning after pill. They wanted a baby! | |
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| I still dont get it...
Posted: 6/8/2009 9:17:33 AM |
#1. To the guy who mentioned the morning after pill. It only works up to 72 hours after conception, which means she would have to take the pill whether she knew she was pregnant or not.
#2. To the person I quoted. At 72 hours from conception there is no baby it is just a mass of cells still trying to become a baby, there is no sentience, so there is nothing that will suffer.
At 72 hours there IS NO PREGNANCY yet. The sperm and egg HAVE NOT MET YET. The morning after pill, known as Plan B, delays ovulation. | |
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