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 thebestlady
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 26
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Do Cheaters Regret or Reform Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
You wrote "They regret it when they get caught.
they regret it when family and coworkers find out. Then if they knew friends or family would find out then most people would stop it ? Thank you for your answer
 miss_contemplative
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 27
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Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/30/2009 5:02:12 PM
A "cheater" in my view is one who has a pattern of infidelity in their lives and relationships, not just in their marriages.

A person who has cheated is not necessarily a cheater but has been driven by circumstances in which they lost their sense of control over their actions or acted in ways contrary to their moral beliefs and standards.

The former are usually NOT able to be reformed and they generally are cheaters by nature. They like to see what they can get away with in life, it translates into many things, not just having sex with illicit partners.

The latter are not cheaters but people who've exercised very bad judgment due to circumstances they struggled with or decisions they failed to make that caused them to act in ways contrary to their natures.

I think I was just a bit redundant but you get the general idea.
 citizen_joe
Joined: 5/21/2009
Msg: 28
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/30/2009 9:25:05 PM
Regret, probably. Reform, rarely.
 Blknslvr
Joined: 1/19/2007
Msg: 29
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/30/2009 9:32:00 PM
PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE !!!!!!!!!!!! ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER
 wolftxus
Joined: 2/24/2009
Msg: 30
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/30/2009 9:44:29 PM

A person who has cheated is not necessarily a cheater

?

The act of cheating contributes a lot to the definition of a cheater... I could agree, if you mean rape or drugs - you might do things against your moral beliefs and standards. But to me being raped is not cheating (not your fault, not your choice) and you should not do drugs if you cannot handle them (just say no). In the latter case you made your bad choice one step earlier - not much better in my book, if you are in a serious relationship.

It's not just about the loss of a relationship, but consider the damage you leave behind. If you are not done sowing your oats or experimenting with drugs, perhaps you should remain single and do one-night-stands and FWB relationships.
 NinjaNerd
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 31
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/30/2009 9:45:34 PM
Once a cheater alwayyyyys a cheater. True story.
 Gideon_70
Joined: 9/9/2005
Msg: 32
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Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/30/2009 10:06:48 PM
I cheated once, as a result of pain with my second wife, and that was over 20 years ago. I would NEVER EVER EVER do that again! There are better ways of dealing with things. And the pain! Ripping the rug out from under someone you love is a really rotten thing to do. I might have rescued the marriage if I had tried, but I ran away from the problems, and tried to hide with another woman. It didn't work. I hurt everyone! Never again. Never ever again.

In fact, I have spent years afterwards taking my time and talking to men who were in situations like mine and trying to convince them to not cheat but to face the problems. I tooka hard look at my life, and discovered that I was a poor leader, poor role model, and the only way to change that was to grow a set and man-up. It was my house, and I let it die, then after it was dead, kicked the wife in the chin on the way out of the door. Yeah, some man, huh.

But I learned, and I grew, and I take responsibility now. I don't cheat, never will again.
 Life 2.0
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 33
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/30/2009 10:08:27 PM
Looking back I now know why I took my cheater back, only kicking her out when I thought I would lose my mins along with my crushed self-esteem. I guess I was just involved enough to take that life-ring when it was thrown to me. By life ring I mean a faint glimmer of hope that the person around whom I wrapped my life wasn't morally bankrupt and totally unworthy of the pedestal upon which I placed her. That I wasn't a complete sap.

I guess everybody needs to be skilled at something, cheaters have this ability to read people and give them just what they need to fool themselves. They have this amazing ability to gauge just where the line is where you give up on them. When they do step over that line and get caught, a complex series of games come into play to shift just enough blame to get them back behind the line.

In light of what I know now, when anyone asks me what to do in these circumstances, I tell them to bolt for a few reasons, no second thoughts, no second chances:

1) Suppose a cheater wants to become a better person. The loss of a good spouse should be a stinging reminder about their need to change.

2) If they have some issue driving them to infidelity, not my responsibility, not my problem. Let them figure it out on their own. I don't need to join them in the hell of their own manufacture.

3) The chances of them fixing it are between slim and none. Why play a losing game?

4) They had a chance to do it right already. I don't need to accept punishment for whatever cause they offer for their behavior.
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 34
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Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/30/2009 11:10:04 PM

They regret it when they get caught.
they regret it when family and coworkers find out.

And they regret it when they get their sorry asses tossed to the curb too, but do they reform? IMO, rarely. For someone to cheat on the one they "claim" to love says they are a selfish and shallow person and cares not for any of those that WILL get hurt in the long run, and most of the time it's the kids that suffer during the fallout. As someone that has been cheated ON I understand the pain of being in this situation and I have known a few cheaters and not one of them ever admitted having any guilt and in fact, as with nearly ALL cheaters, the blame is always placed on the other person. If they this, or if they that I wouldn't have had to go outside the marriage, so it's "their" fault I did it, ya right LOSER. So, do cheaters regret? Some possibly, do they reform? I seriously doubt it. I have said it before and will stand by the old adage, once a cheater always a cheater.
 LaughterReigns
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 35
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/30/2009 11:16:28 PM

I would say to any lady who gets cheated on the first time .... leave. A chronic cheater will always cheat or find a way to cheat over and over again. They will expect you for forget and take them back.


I so agree, as I've been there, done that, and from what I've personally seen and experienced with regard to cheaters (men and women), they do not change. Cheating seems to be a "lifestyle," if you will. Whether the cheaters are in it for the thrill of the chase, the excitement of getting away with their cheating, the "hunger" for different people, a need to fill a void (some people use alcohol or drugs; some use sex), or just plain old boredom, they do not change. In order to change, (a) you have to truly look within yourself; (b) you have to accept what you find within; (c) you have to take full responsibility for your actions and not blame others; and (d) most importantly, you have to want to change. And, as most smokers, alcoholics and drug users know, it's the wanting to change part that is the most difficult.

So people, if you are with a cheat, hold on to your heart and soul, and run like the wind. If you choose to stay, fine, but be prepared to bleed. Here's what you can expect:

(a) He/she will be an expert liar . You'll begin to doubt what your ears have heard and your eyes have seen.

(b) He/she will start an argument for no apparent reason just so they can have their little trysts completely guilt free (not that there was any guilt in the first place) because "you" started an argument, which is reason enough to go on the prowl.

(c) When he/she "disappears," whether it be for a couple hours or a couple days, you will constantly wonder who they are with and what they are doing.

(d) If you confront him/her, be prepared to have an argument, not a discussion, because he/she will get very defensive and turn the argument around. You will cry, but you won't get any sympathy because, remember, this person is an expert liar, so they will basically convince you that you are the cause of the argument, which takes the focus off of them and puts it onto you. Cheaters are experts at this.

(e) Be prepared to take the blame you for his/her cheating. You will most likely hear that if you "think" he/she is cheating, they might as well do so. Keep in mind, this is coming from the mouths of the cheater who has been caught. But hey, it's your fault.

(f) Most importantly, if you stay, I hope you like rollercoasters, because that is what your life will now become...an emotional rollercoaster. You will have your highs when things are going well - because you love this person; and you will most certainly have your lows. Have no doubt about that. You will doubt your own mind, and you'll desperately want to believe his/her lies, even though you know the truth. You will hope against all hope that he/she will change...only to be let down...again. You can cry, pout, threaten to leave, scream, whatever, and it will be to no avail. The cheater got away with it once, so he/she pretty much knows you're going to forgive again.

If you think you can deal with all of the above, and then some, go ahead and forgive the cheater. I did...and all it got me was more lies, more cheating, and more heartache. I forgave him because I loved, hoped and wanted to believe. Once the relationship was over, I had to forgive myself for the very reasons I forgave him, and that was not an easy task, for I consider myself an intelligent person, who does not suffer fools gladly, and I was a fool when it came to this man.

Never is a word I very much dislike. However, in this case I will use it: I will never, ever, ever forgive a cheater again. There will be no second chance. The only thing he'll see are the soles of my shoes as I'm walking out the door.
 newname4metoo
Joined: 4/25/2009
Msg: 36
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/31/2009 12:15:12 AM
I think they do not regret or reform. There may be people who cheated once, who have not cheated again, YET. If they were capable of the lies and deception involved in cheating once, they are capable of doing it again. It is a line that they crossed in their minds, and once crossed, it is no longer a barrier...
 bodisha1
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 37
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Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 5/31/2009 12:49:17 AM
I'm sure I'll take a lot of grief over this... but I'd say the topic of cheating is a little deeper than the black & white or good vs. evil that I'm seeing here

Have I cheated? Yep... Did i regret it? That depended on the woman and the relationship

Some women I felt terrible afterward and never did it again.... There were some women that I was in a casual relationship and just 'dating', and sleeping with someone else made me realize that I really liked them a lot more than casually... Some women I did it over and over and never thought twice about it.... Some women I never cheated on because I was really into the relationship

I'd say this topic is just various shades of grey about the motives and symptoms or moral dilemma
 wildrascal
Joined: 8/24/2006
Msg: 38
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Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/1/2009 7:41:09 AM
From my experience I don't think they do. they will just go to another lover until they get caught, again. I was with one so I know and she lied about it. All she wanted was intimate encounters. I thought she was ready to commit What a lie that turned out to be.
Now I see she is looking for another fool. The song LYING EYES comes to mind
 Steve8000
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 39
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/1/2009 1:57:22 PM
"Do Cheaters Regret or Reform "

Neither. Cheetahs don't have consciousness.
 wicked_desires
Joined: 10/27/2008
Msg: 40
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/1/2009 2:09:59 PM
i wonder many thingies like how many muffins wicked can consume in one sitting


bit of an arbitrary question OP and at a spurious guess may i be so bold as to insinuate they dont like there own medicine to clear this un up rather quickly
 thebestlady
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 41
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Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/3/2009 2:54:26 AM
After reading everyone comments. I think some might reform if you tell someone who they know admire and is close to them. They would not want that person to keep seeing them that way. Most people keep it quiet, This is just my opinion because I would or never done it.What is your view?
 funky_phantom
Joined: 4/30/2009
Msg: 42
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:26:40 AM
Of course they regret...but unless there's a lot counseling and soul-searching nobody ever "reforms."
If you choose to either begin a relationship or continue a relationship w/ somebody that you know or suspect of being a cheater...then you really have no one to blame for the results...
Do you?
 ParadoxEngine
Joined: 12/11/2008
Msg: 43
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/3/2009 9:37:12 AM
Depends on the situation... the biggest question you've got to ask is WHY did the cheater wander out of the relationship to begin with...

There's people who cheat for an emotional need or a physical need... and I think you've got to look at the relationship that was there. If the person who cheated did so because they felt their needs wheren't being met... and you're confident that you CAN meet their needs, both now and in the future... then yes, I think there's a reform...

And in those cases there's usually a regret... because that person had a need, acted on it, and hurt the other person, even though their needs wheren't being met.

I know this happened to me... I got involved with my significant other's friend... largely because she was filling in my social needs (My significant other at that time spent most her time on her computer in a seperate room... when her friend came to visit she'd stay home because she wasn't up for dinner, movies etc... The friend at the time also reflected many other traits I desired in my partner... cleaner, more social, work ethic, more mature...) one thing led to another

But I loved my significant other despite my desire for more.... as such I was remorsefull and admitted the affair and worked on the relationship...
But that affair was the beginning of the end... in that other person I saw what I wanted in a partner and that made me see more and more what I didn't like in my significant other.

I never had to lie about it, she never asked when we are out and about what we where doing... I didn't have to "cover" for my activities. I know standing up to her and telling her was not easy... nothing I'd want to do again.

Ultimatly My needs, my wants and my desires where different than what she had to offer.

Would I cheat again?

More than likely not... it's very damaging to the other person and I know I should have just been more communicative and decisive in what I wanted... I was with her because she loved me and accepted me for who I was... and I kept thinking that was enough until I met with temptation.

Honestly I don't think I will cheat again simply because that mess has taught me that it's not enough. both people aren't on the same page... aren't on the same level of love... if either one has needs that aren't being met... then they are going to naturally want to meet those needs. People say they'd never do that... I know I did...

I still care about the person I cheated on... still love her... but I know I wasn't happy with her and I know that if I'm not happy... deep down inside, she won't be happy.

5 years later I'm on the end of a marriage where I'm on the opposite end of the stick... my significant other isn't happy, her needs aren't being met. it was heart breaking at first... but as we start to move on, it's also liberating... she's going to be free to find her happiness and I've learned a little more about who I am and what I need in a partner.

As for who it effected in mine... the significant other I cheated on told her parents, and I'm sure that put a strain on their relationship with me as up until that point I was the model "future son-in-law" but in the time we remained together they never made it more difficult for me... then again, she may have never known about the affair if I had not admitted to it... the fact that I came out with it and remained there and tried to work it out probably helped with that end.

Emotionally it was very hard... I felt the needs and desires and could justify it as getting what I needed, what I desired. there where other factors there too, but I'm not here for kiss and tell. I felt obligation to the person I was enguaged to, while feeling I deserved my own happiness... ultimately the RIGHT thing to have done would have been to admit to my feelings of unhappiness and get out of the relationship first. But beause she was happy and I didn't want to burst her bubble... I stayed... and when temptation was there... I took it.

So what's my advice if someone cheats on you -

Honestly, it's time to evaluate the relationship... why did that person feel the need to cheat... was it something that was lacking... Is that something worth working on? Is the relationship *really* worth trying to save... do you really love them enough to trust them, to not wonder who they are sleeping with or who's shoulder they are crying on. Can you live with the knowledge of knowning what they've done? Can you live with the questions if you don't know what they've done?

My advice if you've dated someone who has admitted to cheating

Be honest and open, communicate your feelings, etc etc - let your partner know exactly what they are getting and try to get the same... make sure it's what you really want and if you feel it's falling appart, talk about it... see if it's something that can be worked on or fixed.

Chances are if he or she is honest and open enough to admit what they've done, there going to be sincere enough to chance a relationship with.
 justmeandmax
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 44
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/3/2009 10:12:30 AM

I just wonder how cheater male and female really feel ?


With their skin.
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 45
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Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/3/2009 11:01:45 AM

When they do step over that line and get caught, a complex series of games come into play to shift just enough blame to get them back behind the line.

Yes, that was my experience. Incredibly, I bought the blame! Today, I would never, ever date someone who had a hint of infidelity in their background.
 Oceanna_Loo
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 46
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/3/2009 3:04:55 PM
Do you accept or move on? That is really the question that matters.

It takes two to dance tango, cheater or cheated. It is a question of making a decision and following up with this for yourself. We can change no one else but ourselves, that is the real point.

Once we stop shiffiting the blame outwardly and we take the time to look in the mirror and ask ourselves what we really want - and be honest, do we like to "have" a cheater who keeps wrapping us around the fingers over and again? Do a realistic math... How many direct and indirect red flags and blunt facts have you been excusing for ("your")the cheater? It is bc of their promises or is it the million excuses we find to stick to them?

Fact is, the more you think and worry about a cheater, dedicating good part of your life time for this BS, the less you can enjoy life and pursue true hapiness for yourself.

Do you want to believe in promises of a weaker or cheater, or do you want conquer hapiness in a better (way better) way???

Can you stop time and change things for better in the shoes of others???

Speed up, you're already late and behind.
 Call me Ginny
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 47
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/4/2009 10:33:51 AM
DalekCaan you are amazingly articulate and thoughtful for one so young. What you said;


Honestly, it's time to evaluate the relationship... why did that person feel the need to cheat... was it something that was lacking... Is that something worth working on? Is the relationship *really* worth trying to save... do you really love them enough to trust them, to not wonder who they are sleeping with or who's shoulder they are crying on. Can you live with the knowledge of knowning what they've done? Can you live with the questions if you don't know what they've done?


But I disagree. I don't put the blame on anyone but myself that I am contemplating cheating. I signed on for the long haul when I married, and I'm the one that changed. It's not his fault. I wouldn't ask him to change a;lthough in many ways if he decided to it would improve the quality of, and possibly prolong his life. But no one can be changed unless they want to. I will do all I can to care for him as well as I can, which includes doing my best to keep my "other life" from him.


There's people who cheat for an emotional need or a physical need... and I think you've got to look at the relationship that was there. If the person who cheated did so because they felt their needs wheren't being met... and you're confident that you CAN meet their needs, both now and in the future... then yes, I think there's a reform...


Reguardless of whether or not my needs are being met, if he finds out, I will not be asking him to do any soul searching. I'll take all the blame on myself and abide by whatever action he decides to take.

 Gigglemepink
Joined: 5/11/2009
Msg: 48
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/4/2009 10:36:10 AM
Most cheaters don't regret or reform.
 gentle_fun
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 49
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:41:26 AM
No, but they can become honest.
Seriously, the happiest married people I know are married swingers.
My fantasy?
I'd love to be with a woman who might have a chance encounter with another man in the morning, then spend the rest of the day excited about telling me all about it that evening -- as we both giggled and I made love to her. To me, that would be exquisite intimacy, honesty and joyous sharing. That would be being with someone that you could always be completely honest with, never hold anything back, never hide any part of yourself from them. I can imagine calling them up and saying, "Honey, I am going to be late tonight! I am meeting a hottie for a drink! I'll tell you all about it when I get home!"
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 50
Do Cheaters Regret or Reform
Posted: 6/5/2009 12:23:11 PM
I'm sure that some regret and can reform. My SO told me straight out that both he and his ex cheated (years ago). He told me that at the time, he had no idea how damaging it would be. He said he would never want to hurt someone or be hurt like that again. I think he both regrets and has reformed.
I personally could never cheat. My marriage was over for years, and I never so much as looked until my divorce was final. That's me. It's a self respect sort of thing I suppose.
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