| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 5:01:21 AM |
Wow! Did he have some sort of a break down or was it a mid life crisis or what? Did you guys get married really young?
We married at 23. I was already a college grad working full time and he worked full time and went to school the first ten years of our marriage. Those were the best ones. We had goals and helped each other reach them. I guess you can call it a midlife crises but it was deeper than that. Once he had the education he lost complete interest in working in that field.
I probably spent one night a month for 20 years listening to him lament about some band he played in before we met. He always felt he was meant to be a professional drummer. He blamed me for encouraging him to finish school and leaving music behind. But at the time we met he had not played in a year and no longer owned a drum set.
He had heart surgery two years before we divorced and literally died on the table only to be brought back. That was when the real changes occurred. He was so negative about our life afterwards and felt he had wasted his being an 8-5 guy and a husband. | |
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domll
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Joined: 4/17/2009
Msg: 27 | |
| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 6:34:40 AM | [PS: Notice how most of these messages are from women. Not surprising at all!]
Ahh, but its anew post as of yet ;-) | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 1:54:10 PM | | Futureshock...I was thinking the same thing...then read his profile. He states he has values and then lists bipolar among other deal breakers. I can't be in his shoes and determine whether or not he has values or what makes it impossible for him or others to deal with a marriage relationship gone bad. It can't be easy when someone has a psychological problem...even if treated. What is sad is that the unknown "for better or worse" happens and people have innocent kids or an innocent..sometimes...spouce and the marriage ends. I watched my mom deal with my dad's alcoholism and emotional problems until she could no longer take it. He wasn't a bad or mean man...just selfish and often felt the "world was out to get him" instead of assuming responsibility for his own choices in his life. I was grown when she left him. Even then and knowing why...as a grown man I feel the product of a defective father. I wonder if HIS kids will feel defective and unworthy of love because their mom was ill? | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 2:00:49 PM | | Wish I could figure out how to do the quote thing! This is for "hooked and happy" just wondering WHERE you put that bat! LOL | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 3:04:59 PM |
He had heart surgery two years before we divorced and literally died on the table only to be brought back. That was when the real changes occurred. He was so negative about our life afterwards and felt he had wasted his being an 8-5 guy and a husband.
Well, a near death experience can sure shake up a person, that's for sure.
I can't say I blame him, because when you see death staring you in the face, there is nothing scarier. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 4:02:18 PM | People marry too fast and not to mention, marry for the wrong reasons, one of them is the dream wedding age. some feel they need to marry at a certain age and want the dream wedding to happen. What lacked to make the marriages last these days is accountability and responsibility. People go wiht the flow, and don't work out the kinks, because they don't feel they need to cuz they can just move on to someone else. if they made divorce more harder to process, i'm sure it would be a good deterrent for couples to marry so fast. If the role model was seeing hollywood celebs marry and divorce then marry again in a quick span, they perhaps feel that's just convenient to get married then divorce too. I think also the internet has helped the long lasting marriages to end due to teh person feeling they have found a new love interest, and they are tired of being with someone for so long, that they want to take out the old and bring in the new. - Wanderbaby well said, wander! this was marriage #1 for me. two kids (22 & 19) getting married for just 10-months.
For me the ex hit 40 and decided she no longer wanted the responsibility of being a wife and mother. She wanted to be 18 again and me and the kids were not compatible with that. She does spend an hour a week with the kids, but beyond that feels no responsibility to them whatsoever. That hour or so she spends with them is conditional on her having nothing better to do. - xcheekychappyx ditto. this was marriage #2 (10-year marriage) for me. she hit 30 and the itch came alive. we divorced a year later but thankfully as friends.
the common theme to both marriages/ex-wives? honesty. #1 was plain dishonest/unfaithful, partly because of her nature and upbringing but partly just because of her age/immaturity. #2 was dishonest to herself. she pretended she wanted something but staring at the rest of your life to back up that self-lie, scared the crap out of her imo.
if both parties enter the relationship honestly, there's a CHANCE for it. lies make for a very poor foundation ime. i'd like to think #2 and i simply met each other at the wrong times in our lives. we were quite happy for a period of time. but covering a lie (especially to oneself) takes too much out of a person imo. #1 was a youthful mistake, plain and simple.  | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 6:42:07 PM | Loveswine, your statement is pretty distasteful but like you care. Anyway I am a man and left my wife. We are not all pigs like your statement implies.
She had OCD when we meant but we dealt with it but the last 3 years of marriage were hell as she started collecting trash and her whole personality changed. We were together 12 years.
1. She would go on shopping sprees and spend 2k to 3k at a time once or twice a year. no we did not have the money for this.
2. I was really sick a few times in those years and she was not there for me. Just got mad that I needed her to take care of me.
3. Withheld sex the last 2 years of the relationship.
4. Could not do dishes or wash. Could not clean. She would physically hit and push if I tried to so I had to do stuff behind her back just to get it out of the house.
5. My family and friends were not allowed over because of the house the last 3 years.
6. When the kids were sick I had to get up with them most of the time because she refused no matter how much of a fight it caused. She was a stay at home mom.
We went to counceling for close to those 3 years but nothing changed. As my first child got older I noticed the effect the house was having on him so I payed 2k to a proffesional organizer which at least got all the crap out of the house but everytime I ordered a dumpster she told the company they couldn't leave it. There was tons of trash in the garage.
I could make a list ten pages long of all the messed up stuff that was going on with her but Long story short I did it for the boys and myself. They deserve to be cared for like kings and live in a happy and clean environment.
I did not abandon her and tried for 3 years to make it work. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 7:34:43 PM | | I have been divorced for years now. I can say that I married young, my second boyfriend. As I grew I thought he would too. We grew in different directions and could not see eye to eye. I could carry on about the drama and the abuse that went on in the house before I left, but the point is he would probably do the same. We were toxic. I have wonderful children who deserved better than the disfunctional relationship/environment they were being raised in. No one deserves that. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 9:23:24 PM |
I did not abandon her and tried for 3 years to make it work.
I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/1/2009 6:15:55 PM |
I am getting divorced because my husband of 9 weeks thought it would be OK for him to go online and look for intimate encounters, something he quicky found out I didn't agree with! Said the lady who has been on this dating site since let's see .... September 2005.
OT ...
I got divorced because I just couldn't live with my husband anymore and stay sane. I chose my sanity. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/1/2009 6:43:41 PM | im attempting a divorce at the mo......we been seperated 2 n half yrs now????
I live him to bits to be honest.........but needs must now and i have to move on??? | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/1/2009 6:53:25 PM |
I am getting divorced because my husband of 9 weeks thought it would be OK for him to go online and look for intimate encounters, something he quicky found out I didn't agree with!
Said the lady who has been on this dating site since let's see .... September 2005.
Yes that's right - could it possibly be that I met him on here in 2005 and were together for 2 + years, and that rather than set up a new profile 2 months ago when I came back to the site I chose to use the same profile?
But congratulations on your ability to read dates - I'm sure it will take you far! | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/1/2009 6:59:10 PM | Married for 5 years... Committed myself to the til death do us part, sad thing she didn't.
She was still in the wanting to go out and club, I preferred to be with my daughter. I would have went out but whenever that happened, she drank more than in the home. It was an abusive relationship mentally and sometimes physically as she would have spurts of anger or just plain drunk all the time. At first it was bearable, then for the next 4 years I tried everything, counseling, talking about everything, getting off of work earlier, coooking, cleaning, everything. It was all worth it as I believe in marriage and my daughter being raised by both parents even if one of them is sometimes absent. 5 years.... It got worse and never got better.
I won't go into other things that happened but it wasn't very nice when you think about a commitment 2 people make to each other and those commitments get broken. You have to try your best and continue to try if you believe in people and honesty but when people don't want to help themselves and only dig themselves deeper and deeper you have to leanr when to let go of the rope and let them be. You can't teach people to be happy with themselves, they have to learn and grow into a sound emotional state. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/1/2009 7:11:10 PM | i got married young because it seemed to be the right thing to do. Thing is the ex forgot to tell me a few huge fatcs because we go married.
After the first one come to light (Cross dressing in my underwear) I ignored it and just thought make it work we have kids and everyone thought we were happy
The second one (Looking for a gay sex partner) got me angry and upset but once again I just igorned it and let everyone think we were happy.
The 3rd (Pushing so much for sex that I would have to kick him to let me go) was the final straw there was only so much I could take.
I'm now a single mum with 2 kids and I'm happy that I finally said enough was enough. I gave him enough chances to change and make it work for the kids but there is only so much one person can take. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/1/2009 7:18:02 PM | I am so grateful for your post. I have been geographically divorced since 2006 but legally in 2007. I am just starting back in this dating scene and I am grateful for this forum.
This is a great question that was posted. I was in it for 10 years and he left me because I wasn't caring for him enough; he left when the children and I were sick with fever for a week. I now know that he was with another woman, clinically depressed, bipolar and some other fun stuff. Now looking back, I see that besides all of this, we didn't have the same values. I think we thought we did and we wanted to make that work, but when two people don't have matching values (how to raise children, how you see the world etc) then it just doesn't work.
I am grateful for our relationship; got two angels from it and lots of life lessons. Without realizing it, he is still teaching me from a distance. It's easy to say that there is a bright side to everything, but to live it... well that is another story.
Thanks for your advice. I am going to pass it on to my children. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:40:40 AM | | The divorce rate is so high is because young people are IDIOTS and getting married early.Just because they are high school sweethearts does not make it a match made in heaven.If we all waited til after we graduated and found our calling in life and settled into what we wanted as adults then MAYBE the divorce rate wouldn't be so high...or we can be like alot and have open marriages and all would be cool..lol....AKA..."Yes,honey do that guy if you want I am cool with it.."..oh hell to the NO....lol.As of late I have witnessed slot of open marriages.Sometimes okay but when one gets to fool around and the other doesn't ....whats up with that? | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 7:14:41 AM | It is always difficult to consider divorce when children are involved. Been divorced for twenty eight years and never looked back on my decision to leave. I was freshman in college when I eloped with my ex and in culture where marriage is the only alternative after having sex with someone, there is no other way but to get married. Marrying for the wrong reason is one of the biggest mistake made by people like us who becomes part of statistics in America today.
Have I regreted getting a divorce at 27? No, after five years I met my soulmate and enjoyed 20 plus years of happy marriage with my late husband. People make mistakes all the time. As a result, someone always get hurt especially children. Let's forgive ourselves and move on to find the right person. And this time, we will be careful and marry for the right reason. What I found was children are resilient to change. If given the proper guidance, they will turn out ok. Mine did. Thank you. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 7:32:58 AM | I got divorced because my x wife went crazy.
She has borderline personality syndrome which is highly paranoid and self destructive. She convinced herself that I was Satan, and the cause of all of her problems. Real or imagined.
She waited until I had quit my management job in GA, left my friends, and spent all my money moving her to WV and supporting her so she could go to school at Marshall. I moved because she had been developing her mental illness and was depressed. I agreed to a drastic move and change of scenery in the hopes she would "snap out" of her funk.
All it did was make me broke and move me to a strange area before she told me she wanted a divorce.... while I was at work.
She refused to go to counseling with me, refused to get any help, and then just didn't come home and started drinking and seeing other people while we were not even separated yet.
She went crazy. I was homeless for over a week. I had ever right to stay in the house but it was so bad there and hurt me so much I didn't even argue when she just "kicked me out" on a whim. It was the worst experience of my life. I fell asleep every night with big raking sobs that hurt my body so bad .... my chest felt like it'd be hit with a sledge hammer every morning.
I'd always been a good person - I tried to help people. I'd been relatively successful. I'd done all the "right" things, made no real big mistakes in life. I married a really pretty, brilliant little linguist-to-be who I had a bright future with. All that ended when I was blindsided by her mental illness. I enjoyed my good friend Haji trying to kill me in Afghanistan more than my divorce. It DESTROYED me.
I went from making almost 6 figures a year in my early 20s working less than 40 hours a week in a cushy government job...
To penniless, friendless, over 8 hours from any friends, laid off from work, 1800 miles away from family, and sleeping in my truck in the walmart parking lot. The same woman I had spent almost 100 dollars a night on for dinner and quality sushi felt no guilt at leaving me with nothing and trying to take what little I had left.
I survived.... and I did it with aplomb. I am an awesome person. I will not let something like that ever get me down or change my positive view on life. There are people in the world with MUCH worse problems than me, and they manage. Who am I to gripe and moan about my lot in life? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
So like the phoenix, I rose from the ashes and I am becoming better, stronger, wiser, more physically fit than ever before.
My x now looks 35 and neither acts nor looks like the woman I fell in love with. Part of me will always love my x wife. She was a good person and I chose wisely. I had no way of knowing she would go crazy.
The person who lives in her body now is a stranger and killed the woman I married. I do not talk to her. She can continue doing whatever she does. I have to send her money every month for another year or so, and after that I will neither contact her, reply to any contact from her, or look her up ever again. My x is dead.
Sorry for the novel, but it helps sometimes to type this stuff out. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:45:59 AM |
Married for 5 years... Committed myself to the til death do us part, sad thing she didn't.
She was still in the wanting to go out and club, I preferred to be with my daughter. I would have went out but whenever that happened, she drank more than in the home. It was an abusive relationship mentally and sometimes physically as she would have spurts of anger or just plain drunk all the time. At first it was bearable, then for the next 4 years I tried everything, counseling, talking about everything, getting off of work earlier, coooking, cleaning, everything. It was all worth it as I believe in marriage and my daughter being raised by both parents even if one of them is sometimes absent. 5 years.... It got worse and never got better.
You sound like an incredible husband and father. The first thing that came to mind when I read this post was, "What a waste". I can't believe your ex didn't know what she had and then she blew it. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:48:38 AM |
She wasn't freaky enough
You are just kidding, right? You didn't tear apart a whole marriage which includes kids just because of something sexual, did you? | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:52:46 AM | 1st marriage- just too damn young and eager to be "grown up" Divorce papers were finalized on our 2 year anniversary. No kids.
Marriage 2- waited until this year! lol. Waited until I was happy and comfortable with myself and searched for someone to compliment me...not complete me. He was searching for the same. 2 mutually respecting adults entering into a contract. With love and other good stuff thrown in as well. lol.
And in between some good guys, bad guys and some down right disasters. | |
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