| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:58:34 AM | Interesting that most of the replies state that they're divorced because the other person was a nut/abusive/cheater etc. Nobody on POF is responsible for their marriages failing!
At least a few people admitted they married young and actually made mistakes. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:01:53 AM | | Well it's pretty simple for me....I got divorced because she didn't want to be married anymore. During the last 2 years of the marriage I think I did everything I could to keep our family together but in the end it was her decision so I didn't have all that much say in it. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:06:55 AM | Interesting that most of the replies state that they're divorced because the other person was a nut/abusive/cheater etc. Nobody on POF is responsible for their marriages failing!
I didn't come right out and say it but when i said 'too young and eager to grow up" I was talking about me. He had faults too but if *I* had been better prepared I would have 1) not got married or 2) been able to cope with everything and work through things like an actual adult should do.
I am not saying that there aren't reasons to get divorced. Not at all. There are very valid reasons to get divorced. Just saying that in MY case there should have never been a marriage/divorce and I put the blame on myself for being such an idiot. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:01:03 AM |
Interesting that most of the replies state that they're divorced because the other person was a nut/abusive/cheater etc. Nobody on POF is responsible for their marriages failing!
At least a few people admitted they married young and actually made mistakes.
Some of us actually believe in our word and are not self destroying as our ex's were. Take it for what it is not not try to point people out to say it is their fault as well. Yes, it takes two but if you don't want to read or listen to someone's story, turn the page. Everyone has faults.
In your eyes I guess I could re-write mine and say...
I didn't talk enough, I had to get sleep...
I didn't allow her to continue drinking around my child, I should have...
I didn't allow her to do as she wishes with whomever, next woman I will let sleep with anyone...
I didn't seek counseling enough with her or by myself, next time I will get committed...
I didn't dedicate enough time to just her, next time I will quit my job and stop caring for my child so I can buy more beer for my spouse...
I didn't allow her friends or family that used drugs to come around my house, next time I will let them smoke up in the spare bedrooms...
I should have bought her a new care every year instead of every other year...
Yes, you are right, I see how it is my fault too now. Just a bit sarcastic on this one as you can never understand a person completely until you hear their entire story. There are actual people here and in the world that work on a relationship no matter the issues. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:11:39 AM | And thank you for the kind words Future...
I am not saying I am an Angel in anyone's eyes, but I'll be darned (I was born in New Jersey and My family would laugh at me for saying that word) if I don't try all I can to keep a family together, let alone keep a happy family. Everyone has faults, otherwise why would anyone even date if we were all perfect? All I had done was put myself down in a hole without a care for myself and only cared for my ex and my daughter, never my own well being.
It is refreshing to be done with her as you cannot support or be with someone who never learns how to truly be happy with themself before trying to be with another.
Everyone has a story but this is a public forum and people really can't put themselves out in the open. But I will say I have opened my door looking for that special someone and see where it goes. You get to a point in your age where you don't want to go to bars, clubs, and the like to find someone for a long term commitment. So why not open up here and see where it leads you. I will say that I haven spoken with some very wonderful women here and it's refreshing to actually get kind words back. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:35:17 AM |
nd thank you for the kind words Future...
You are very welcome. Thanks for putting a smile on my face today. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:01:00 AM |
I have been teaching my children for years that they need to choose wisely, that it takes a hell of a lot more than love to make a marriage work. With mine, because my ex was a bipolar verbally and emotionally abusive husband and father, the question isn't why I left but why I stayed with him for 14 years; part of that was meaning the vows I took and doing everything I could to make things work; you can't be married by yourself.
Add in his unchecked alcoholism and that is my story exactly. Right down to the "14 years" | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:39:55 PM | We had cabin up north and it needed a new roof. It took two weekends for me to do it.. She stayed home as I had a couple buddies up with me and she said she wasn't going to cook/clean up after us.. She never even got to see the roof.. I came home the second weekend and she had changed,--drastically.. I checked an e-mail of hers and it was all out there--she was cheating on me--said she made up her mind early in the year she was done-- We had two daughters 2&7 at the time.. We had been together 6 years before we got married and I moved out on our fourteenth anniversary.. Almost twenty years "down the drain" LOL.. I still care for her deeply though.. We have been divorced almost six years now-- One girlfriend for me--been single almost 1 1/2 years now..  | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/3/2009 2:04:47 AM | | I'm not divorced yet, the magistrate put it back until july 1st (grr) my divorce is not my choice. My husband walked out on my son and I 3 days after my birthday in 2007 and it was 3 weeks before our son's first birthday. He has seen our son 5 times since he left for about an hour each visit....he's filed for divorce and yeah thats it, no telling me why he left. I never used to believe in getting divorced, I always thought any problem could be talked through. what i hate the most is that i feel so ashamed for it, i don't know what went wrong, i am the only person in my entire family, generations back that is getting divorced and i feel shame and embarassment for that. Its hard to deal with. But I know that i deserve better and that i deserve to be treated better than he treated me. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/3/2009 3:43:41 AM | | I comlpetly agree with your way of thinking, I got divorce after my started to seen someone alse. When we got married i had this little voice traying to tell me that it wasnt gone last but still I told myself I will make it work. Like they said it takes two to tango! and he had no plans to make it work, i felt so alone , low and worthless. I was doing all the job and he dint see any of it . we grow appart and that was the end, or sort of because we have a daughter that always is going to keep us been friend now. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/3/2009 3:59:30 AM | Thats difficult to answer when there are many reasons.
For starters we were both in the military and started out living with some friends. So there was always somebody else around...that meant we never really had the chance to learn to problem solve without the input of everyone and his brother.
There were always some really bizarre behaviors on his part...I wrote a lot of it off as immaturity or silly quirks and convince myself (I was young and maybe a wee bit polly anna) that he would outgrow a lot of it.
Well as time went I had a multitude of excuses... cause I was no longer active duty and he was deployed and he just needed...time to adjust to being home, we needed to adjust to parenting together (as opposed to via email)...he just got promoted ...or changed commands so he just needs time.
I started to realize that there was something bigger going on... I think I knew for a while but I didn't want to see it. And I kept telling myself ...he never hit me therefore it is not abuse...well thats the only thing he did not do.
By then we had the girls and I kind of felt like I had to be somewhat loyal because he is their father and I should try to be supportive...and I felt guilty cause he can not be alone. He has been diagnosed Narcissistic...explains alot.
I know he is now on meds for what I am not sure...don't really care too much because I know the behaviors stayed the same. And he remarried...less than a year after everything was final (he was dating her before the divorce but she was just one more in a long line of those who went before her)...so I knew it would happen...just wish they had been respectful enough to give the kids a heads up prior to instead of dumping on them after the fact. They now have a long distance stepmom they have never met and its scarey for them.
ANYWAY...thats the short version | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/3/2009 10:08:43 AM | OP, my soon to be ex husband worked away for the last 3 years of our marriage.
We hardly saw him and he discovered it was more fun to only have to worry about himself and didn't want to come home to a wife and 4 young children.
After thinking about it for a year or so (and letting me think everything was fine) he called from work and told me it was over.
10 weeks later he introduced his girlfriend (who he worked with for the whole 3 years!)to the kids and has hardly seen them since.
And that's why I'm filing for divorce as soon as I can!!!! | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/3/2009 10:54:45 AM |
OP, my soon to be ex husband worked away for the last 3 years of our marriage.
We hardly saw him and he discovered it was more fun to only have to worry about himself and didn't want to come home to a wife and 4 young children.
After thinking about it for a year or so (and letting me think everything was fine) he called from work and told me it was over.
10 weeks later he introduced his girlfriend (who he worked with for the whole 3 years!)to the kids and has hardly seen them since.
And that's why I'm filing for divorce as soon as I can!!!!
That is horrible, and I am so sorry you had to go through that. I'd divorce him too! | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/3/2009 12:23:42 PM | | I got divorced because my ex wifes parents wanted to controll her and make her make bad decisions that affected me finicially, she also cheated with a guy i went to high school with | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/6/2009 8:38:16 PM | Married 11 years and she had an online affair at 9 years. 2 years later I saw all the warning signs again and when confronted her reasoning was I'm unhappy I want a divorce. I want to do what I want, when I want ,and with who I want.
Probably why it was so easy to get my kids 1/2 the time, one of them being technically my step-daughter.
Would have been nice to have some sort of warning before it got that way and work on any problems that existed. But hey she hide it from everybody including her family. So I wasn't surprised she hid it from me as well obviously.
Finally happy again now but it took a while i'll admit | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/6/2009 8:52:22 PM | | We got married in 1997. He was 30 , and I was nearly 22. A month and a half after we got married, I came home drom a drill weekend (I was Army National Guard at the time) and found him snuggled up on the couch with a friend of ours. Didn't think much of it, until the night before my step-son's 5th birthday party, the young lady informed me, that she and my husband had been having sex two weeks after the wedding. Suffice it to say, I was astounded. I'm still surprised I handled it the way I did. I thanked her for telling me, confronted him, he confirmed, begged forgiveness, I suggested counselling, we got it, stayed relatively happy for the next 7 years, and then he did it again. I once again suggested counselling, he refused this time, I moved out, he filed for divorce, I paid for divorce, and it was finalized not too much later. Long story short. The divorce was in 2004. The same year, I met a man, we dated briefly, I moved in with him, he became abusive, and last year in April, I moved myself and my daughter to a safer location. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/7/2009 5:20:14 PM | I noticed many people say the reason for their divorce is a spouse with bipolar disorder. That was certainly the case for me--my ex was somewhat depressed and sought treatment for it, found out he was bipolar--wouldn't take medicaton.
Then he decided that he had to leave his family -- myself, our 7 year old son and our 2 year old daughter--in order to be happy.
Or buy a motorcycle. Because, according to him, God wanted him to have a motorcycle.
With tears in his eyes he made a vow that he would make our marriage work, that he was devoted to it.
After he used my income statement to get a motorcycle loan, he declared that he "couldn't ever be happy," and moved out.
In the past five years, he's remarried, seperated, moved to 3 different states, been convicted of "Contempt of Court" for non-payment of kid insurance, child support, etc, etc, and seen the kids maybe ten times.
I have heard repeats of this story over and over again. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/7/2009 5:28:13 PM | My ex was exactly like this! And bipolar. One month after we separated, I discovered the golf clubs, computer parts and suits he had been buying online. Two months after we seperated and agreed on child support, he quit his high-paying computer services position to work in a Jiffy-Lube! He spent two years in a neighboring state telling me he couldn't come and see the kids because he had a condition that made him have seizures if he drove more than 20 minutes. Then he decided to train as a long-distance truck driver! (Seems the mysterious "condition" miraculously cleared up!)
I always say it is only by the grace of God that he didn't drive me crazy too. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/7/2009 8:25:59 PM |
Nobody on POF is responsible for their marriages failing!
Believe it or not, some people are blindsided by the divorce. I knew things were not perfect but I did not know that it had risen to the level of him wanting a divorce. He decided after close to 30 years together he had married the wrong woman. I was blown away---counseling did not help. We divorced. He never could tell me exactly why he wanted the divorce except afterward he asked if there was a chance we could get back together........after what I went through? No way in he//!
Don't judge me if you have not walked in my shoes!!!!! | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/7/2009 9:47:13 PM |
Interesting that most of the replies state that they're divorced because the other person was a nut/abusive/cheater etc. Nobody on POF is responsible for their marriages failing!
At least a few people admitted they married young and actually made mistakes.
Lorelei, why are you getting divorced? Were you at fault for some of the irreperable damage done to your marriage? Or perhaps your soon to be ex is one of the abusive, cheating, unreliable types that nearly one or all of us have faced? Maybe you got married too young?
Fact is, no matter how it's phrased, it's somewhat appalling to be asked such a question, respond honestly, and then be told that we're essentially lying and must be at fault somehow. Especially by a person who hasn't divulged why she herself, is currently seperated. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/8/2009 9:49:54 AM | i perosnal got divorced after 7.5 years due to domestic violence socal services remove me and my kids for our safety it still wasnt a easy thing to do and i felt and still do feel a great loss in my life even though it was a releaf and the best thing 4 me and the kids i kinda didnt get a choice
hope this helps | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/8/2009 11:02:47 AM | I left my ex husband after 10 years of marriage. A marriage frought with abuse-be it sexual or emotional-thankfully he never hit me-though, I'm sure that was coming.
Saturday marked my 3 rd year of divorce(6 th of being away from him) and he hasn't seen his boys in over 3 years(his choice). He was /is an abusive alcoholic and a horrible father/husband. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 12:33:14 AM | Interesting that most of the replies state that they're divorced because the other person was a nut/abusive/cheater etc. Nobody on POF is responsible for their marriages failing!
Well I didn't marry young, I was 29, but I did make mistakes. I certainly wasn't perfect, I worked long hours and had to travel a lot to provide a good life for my family. I certainly took my ex for granted. However 100% of my salary went to my family whilst my wife's money was hers. I was not controlling or posessive in any way and gave my wife total freedom to go out when she wanted and do as she pleased. I supported all her goals and aspirations. Never complained when she put on weight, when she complained about it herself I told her that I would love her no matter what size she was.
I would have done anything to save my marriage, but alas there is not much you can do when the other person wants to have the wild youth at 40 that she missed out on at 18. She wanted to not have any responsibility at all and the freedom to have sex with a different guy every week. That wasn't something I could give her. The kids were blameless but that does not stop her having no interest in them. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 1:23:29 AM | Wow ^^^^^^^^^ is pretty much word for word what I would have wrote even the ages are so right on.
Truthfully when anyone is, or should be, in a 12 step program one party can only hope to survive the issues.
I think the mental health and counseling industry in the USA is largely hit and miss. I think they have completely different standards based on the sex of the person with the issues.
I think in alot of cases going to counseling is nothing but a perpetuating lose lose deal and you would probably be better off spending your money on any of the lotteries in the country.
I think after knowing what I know and thinking about the Susan Smiths and Andrea Yates types of the world how anyone can support the "Tender Years" doctrine or premise is completely loco and probably should be disbarred.
I think there should be a mental health battery or assay for anyone seeking or getting custody of children through a divorce.
FWIW. I have custody of two. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 4:18:32 PM | | After reading all these stories my question is WHY ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WANT TO DATE! Scary! We are so powerless over our ives. We think we have it all under control...that we found "the one" and will live happily ever after. One person can be completely devoted to the marriage and the other secretly wants out. Scary thing is...apparantly it happens a lot! If I were in some of these people's shoes I would have a hard time ever trusting in marriage again. | |
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