Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Why did you get divorced?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 RainbowSparkle
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 76
Why did you get divorced?Page 4 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
alcoholism is an illness as well, and yet (for me) a perfectly acceptable reason to leave a man who is constantly drunk and thinks wife-beating is a sport.

mentally ill people can be impossible to live with. Bipolar is one of these diagnosis, and severely depressive and manipulative people are another group.

These do NOT fall under "for better or for worse" in my opinion. They fall under the categorie of "How do I protect my children from harm, and myself from harm that I can continue caring for my children".

There is often only the option of leaving, or throwing the partner out. Not the option of continuing on.

Physical and emotional safety first. Sorry. A partner cannot be a therapist and it makes things definitely worse to continue on in a sick relationship, even for the sick partner, because then he does not get the help he needs.
 RainbowSparkle
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 77
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:30:01 PM
>>Interesting that most of the replies state that they're divorced because the other person was a nut/abusive/cheater etc. Nobody on POF is responsible for their marriages failing!<<

I seriously think that most people who are so ill will not be on a site like this.
And then again, there are some here, looking for a partner who will willingly suffer and tolerate that kind of BS all over again :((

As well as that, people who answer the original question will be the ones who are active, who left, who are not willing to accept an abusive relationship.

I think I do accept the responsibility for my breakup(s) in as far as I went into the relationship(s) in the first place, and mental illnesses and alcoholism do not develop overnight. There is always that side of it too, what did the relationship give me while it was working, and why did it work, why did the illness become stronger/overpowering, what changed, why etc.

There is a lot of emotional clean-up work to do after a relationship ends, especially if there are reasons like that behind the breakup.
 JaxSingleDad
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 78
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:41:03 PM

After reading all these stories my question is WHY ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WANT TO DATE!


Some of us just like to get our teeth remove by a pair of pliers are we donate out major organs and spleen. . . . Then again, some of us appreciate the beauty of a woman and a long lasting life with someone to have by their side to see the pretty colors of the world that it has to offer. Not everyone is the same and each step in life is a growing step. Bad things of the past are not things to carry on into the future. They are all something that builds us, man or woman alike. It's all about a partner, not hoping to find something that tore us down in the past, but someone willing to build something new... together.



As well as that, people who answer the original question will be the ones who are active, who left, who are not willing to accept an abusive relationship.


Exactamundo! WOOHOOO

As well, you touched base on alcoholism. Think of alcohol, drugs, etc for people that do not seek help but continue to dig deeper into the darkness. They are cheating on you and they are cheating their life. There is never an easy way out but the best way above water so to say is with those that are close that love and care. If people do not seek any kind of help after time, yes.. move on. Do not let your life get crushed because of someone hurting you.

We are all like brand new cars when we are born.... Shiny, beautiful, not a scratch, and raring to go. Some people end up in the junkyard, while the rest of us get dings and dents, but we freely goto the mechanic, get them fixed and head back on the road. It's all about choices and be proud of your history. It is what made you today!
 R2D2_1
Joined: 3/25/2009
Msg: 79
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:58:20 PM
Wow; I sense a whole lot of hostility in this thread. My X announced over a year ago that she wanted to be single again. I asked her to really think about it for a while. A few months ago, she'd said that she'd talked to two different attorneys and both wanted a $5000 retainer. I prepared the Complaint for her and drafted the Judgment and walked her through the procedures. She paid the $150 filing fee and another attorney $100 to look over the Judgment. Took a total of three months from start to finish. She'll always be a good friend; but nothing else. I just don't understand the need for revenge. It does noone any good. If it doesn't work for whatever reason, it doesn't work!! Move on.
 RainbowSparkle
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 80
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:56:00 PM
hi JaxSingleDad
you said that very nicely.
thank you!
 dallas/musician
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 81
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:18:01 PM
Funny you should mention children. I raised my ex's kid from 8 to 22 years of age and he was a constant screw-up. I went the extra mile for that kid. Didn't spoil him too much, he is just one of those you see so many of, thinks the world owes him. I spent enough years trying to straighten him up. His Mom took up for him and supported his lazy ass and that was a major reason for my divorce.
Another reason was I got to a point where I wanted to be more active and she wanted to sit on the couch and read. I am too active for that.
I also believe one answer to your question about the next generation is staring you in the face. Computer dating seems to link people who are more compatible with each other as opposed to traditional dating. Hasn't worked for me yet, but I haven't tried too hard. I will find someone sooner or later. Just want a good one who is active and doesn't have a kid with a bad attitude!
 tinkerbella2012
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 82
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:20:13 PM
BECAUSE HE IS SUPER WOMANIZER AND IRESPONSIBLE!!!
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:15:08 PM
It has been about 4 years now and I still wonder why we got divorced. I got very "bound up" over the responsibility of wife and newborn. Trying to do everything perfect and expecting it of her. She did not shoulder as much of the load as I would have liked, but when she left I realized none of that stuff really mattered at all. Funny thing that is since she left she has grown up and is now a pretty strong confident responsible person. Go figure! On her side she would not commnicate with me. Ever, she would get mad over something and stay that way for months and months, and never mention it to me. But I felt it all the time. I think if her and I could get a mulligan it would work out, but there are really no feelings left for either one of us.
We had actually split up and I was moving out when we found out she was preggo. We tried to make it work out adfter that and made it until daughter was 20 months.

I spend more, and better quality time with my daughter now than Ii did when we all lived together.
 futureshock
Joined: 5/8/2009
Msg: 84
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:34:41 PM

It has been about 4 years now and I still wonder why we got divorced. I got very "bound up" over the responsibility of wife and newborn. Trying to do everything perfect and expecting it of her. She did not shoulder as much of the load as I would have liked, but when she left I realized none of that stuff really mattered at all. Funny thing that is since she left she has grown up and is now a pretty strong confident responsible person. Go figure! On her side she would not commnicate with me. Ever, she would get mad over something and stay that way for months and months, and never mention it to me. But I felt it all the time. I think if her and I could get a mulligan it would work out, but there are really no feelings left for either one of us.
We had actually split up and I was moving out when we found out she was preggo. We tried to make it work out adfter that and made it until daughter was 20 months.

I spend more, and better quality time with my daughter now than Ii did when we all lived together.


That is really a shame, except for the good part about your child.
 MePlusTwo
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 85
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:40:54 PM

I also believe one answer to your question about the next generation is staring you in the face. Computer dating seems to link people who are more compatible with each other as opposed to traditional dating.
I think this is an excellent point. Certainly not 'the answer', as you say, but absolutely a valid potential component.

The man I am seeing now is someone I am more compatible with intellectually (which is a HUGE issue for me) than any man I've met in my life. And given our individual circumstances in terms of work, social circles, etc there is simply no way on this earth we would ever have met IRL.

Thanks to the opportunity to provide a tiny 'taste' of ourselves online, he found me. Early days and we'll see I guess. However it strikes me often there is absolutely no way we would have met were it not for the online medium.
 pirateforgood
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 86
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/9/2009 12:13:54 AM
I honestly felt I wasn't providing for her like I should (financially) so I ran her off.
 futureshock
Joined: 5/8/2009
Msg: 87
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:12:15 PM

I honestly felt I wasn't providing for her like I should (financially) so I ran her off.


Yup, so providing for her not at all makes more sense.
 carterscutie85
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 88
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/9/2009 2:09:54 PM

Yup, so providing for her not at all makes more sense.

LOl
 naomielp1
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 89
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/9/2009 5:05:57 PM
My ex and I got married young. I asked him believing he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I think he said yes because everyone else we knew was getting married so 'why not?' - that is completely a personal opinion.
We had our first child and I developed severe PPD. I tried to 'fix it' but got little in the way of support from him. He couldnt understand what I was going through, was convinced my maternal instincts would kick in, and advised I should get over 'my phase'.
Our communication skills stunk horribly. But we stayed together honoring our vows. We had another child, I found the medical help I needed and things got better. Or so I thought.
We began fighting over the most bizarre subjects. Financial responsibility became the most taboo.
He left for a week. The day he came home, the little ones were at a sleep over and I had been spending the evening with Captain Morgan. I found out I was pregnant with our third a week later even though it was no time to bring another child into our relationship.
When my third was 4 or 5 months old, I received a phone call from his girlfriend advising their child was 3 days younger than ours.

I believe our divorce was the best thing for us and our children. The constant screaming matches and disrespect/discontent of each other was not a positive environment for the kids. We get along very well, has no 'baby daddy or baby mama' drama. Although he lives a few hundred miles away, he is so involved with his children I had to invest in an additional phone line so he wouldnt suck up my daytime minutes
 futureshock
Joined: 5/8/2009
Msg: 90
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/9/2009 6:14:28 PM

My ex and I got married young. I asked him believing he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with.


I think that is cool that you asked him!
 omicronrex
Joined: 7/18/2009
Msg: 91
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:57:48 PM
my ex-wife and i believed that love and friendship could overcome incompatibility. when we first started dating, we saw our differences as "points to ponder" or "idiosyncrasies" but over the course of about nine years, those incompatibilities became insurmountable. we each wanted to be with someone who understood us and wanted to walk the same path. as time went by, the constant fighting, debates, and antagonism only pointed to the fact that we weren't each other's soulmate. independent of each other, we began looking for someone else. she found hers first and filed for divorce.

ironically, we are able to be friends again.
 looptex1
Joined: 5/6/2008
Msg: 92
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:04:43 PM
My ex found a friend from high school and had an affair
 azskayl
Joined: 7/1/2009
Msg: 93
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:28:32 PM
ha ha thats awesome
 azskayl
Joined: 7/1/2009
Msg: 94
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:30:59 PM
Its very hard to control bi-polar, know the first women who spoke of her x having this disease really tried to stick it out, and then chose it would be best for the kids as sometimes is to go ahead and get divorced.
but ixholla , you took vows through sickness and heath for better or worse??
Have you supported her, and gave the doctors time to regulate her medications?
sounds like when things got a little tough you bailed out on your wife


There needs to be a third party in all marriages for it to work, and that is god.
With out god in the marriage and your lives you forget the good things, you forget why you fell inlove in the first place.

this was what was awesome forgot to copy and past. not for the comment before
 outofthedesert
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 95
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/10/2009 3:23:56 AM
For the posters who have asked the question: the people on here had nothing to do with the marriage ending, where are the other parties? They are off with the other person, off with their bottle, drugs, bad habits, mental issues or whatever else helped to destroy the marriage.

People who have mental issues cannot control the issue but they can make usage of meds and counseling to recognize the triggers. I enjoy the forums, but sometimes the fingerpointing is a little rough especially when those on the outside don't have a clear picture of what was happening on the inside of the marriage. Just my humble opinion.
 markdafedman
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 96
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/10/2009 6:58:03 AM
I could no longer handle the combination of borderline personality disorder, untreated menopause, and a diagnosis of MS. And before you are too quick to judge- she is the one who threatened to leave. I think it surprised her when I called her bluff!

Two years later, I couldn't be happier!
 Chainedknight
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 97
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/10/2009 10:37:50 AM
First I want to state that I have seen alot of young marriages fail, so the fact that mine did comes as no big suprise. I want to discribe the last 9 months of my marriage and see if anyone blames me for filing divorce.
9 months before divorce: She got a 1970 Chevy Monte Carlo because she always dreamed of owning a classic muscle car. She lost most sexual interest and was hanging out with her mother 5 days a week.
8 months: She loses her job and doesn't want to find a new one
7 months: Still no job for her, Im paying all the bills and buying her cigerettes.
6 months: I get laid off and have to find new work. Still no job for her and she goes on a vacation with her family and takes a loan out from her mom for cigs and alcohol.
5 months: Im working crappy split shift to try to pay bills, cigs and to fix her car. She still doesnt have a job, leaves the house a mess and starts planning a trip to Olympia, Washington to visit a friend.
4 months: Im still working split shift, she has no job still. Her mom buys her a plane ticket to Olympia as early birthday gift. She goes to see her friend and is gone for 10 days and sold her car to pay for while she was there.
3 months: She still has no job, I lose my job because I got sick and couldn't afford doctor visit to prove ailment, and we get a notice that we have 30 days before we are evicted. She moves in with her mother and I move back home with my folks.
2 months: She finally gets a job at a sandwich shop because her mom made her, I get a job that only pays 20 hours a week. Her mom buys her a new car since she got a job.
1 month before the divorce: I find out she is waiting for the divorce to be final since she has a new boyfriend already. I get bill for her credit card since she put my name on it.
 MrEMan1980
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/10/2009 11:03:15 AM
I am getting divorced because my wife found it ok as well to look online for other men and start calling them personally regaurdless of being long distant or not....and then the of course fact she cheated and slept with another guy and of course I gave the second chance and it happened all over again.....Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.....My Bad for caring i suppose....ladies I have alot to offer if anyone is interested :)
 Pleasegetgeeky
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 99
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/10/2009 11:24:00 AM
I dated my ex-wife for a total of four years. We met in '93 and she was a beautiful, thoughtful, caring young woman. During our first year of dating she progressively became more paranoid about me cheating on her. I've never cheated on any girlfriend I've had, or my ex-wife. It got to the point where she was dropping in on me during classes and showing up to my labs to check up on who I was with and if I was where I said I was going to be. The final straw was when she threw a fit literally like a spoiled five year old when I was trying to finish an assignment that I hadn't been able to do because she was demanding that I spend so much time with her. It so happened that my lab partner was a woman and it was a printing class (art) so we had to schedule time on the equipment. Since I had been blowing off lab time to spend with my ex, the only times that were available were at night. The ex and I got into an argument about me spending time at the lab. She wanted me to blow off the class and just fail it and make up the class later. I tried to explain to her that my responsibility wasn't JUST to myself but to her, for our planned future together, and to my class partner, who's grade was partially dependent upon my participation. It wasn't a pretty argument and I left with the statement, "I don't know how long it'll take me to finish and I have to work tomorrow. We'll talk more about all this after work, but don't expect me home tonight before I have to get ready to go to work." My lab partner and I were busting tail to get the six projects that we needed to do done. There was another group in the lab with us and one of them pointed out that someone was trying to get my attention. It was my ex and she was tear/mascara stained, disheveled and just looking a mess. It was around 1:30am and I immediately had a panic moment, I thought something terrible had happened. I ran outside to see what was wrong and she stated, "I woke up and you weren't home yet, and you said you were going to be home tonight! Why are you spending time with that girl and not with me?!" I told her she needed to go home and that I needed to get my work done. She refused and started jumping up and down and pitching a fit. I broke up with her the following week after a great deal of consideration and discussion about trust issues and the like. I really did love her and didn't want to break up with her. I just couldn't handle the jealousy issues and paranoia. We stayed broken up for a year. I went to see a concert and lo and behold, who's right next to me, I kid you not. We ended up hanging out and getting back together. She seemed like she had really resolved a lot of her issues with paranoia etc. She had a change in her birth control and this seemed to help her greatly; she was back to the girl I met two plus years before. I proposed six months later and we married around a year after that.

We were married for four and a half years happily. From the months following us getting back together until the conception of our son, we were truly happy. A few weeks before finding out she was pregnant, she started an argument with me about some girl that was staying in the condo next door to us while on a short vacay at the beach. She spoke to me several times and was a little flirty and I was neighborly and friendly as well. My ex was reasonable for the most part, but still leaning in the direction of "why don't you just go hop in bed with her?" I hadn't seen the behavior in so long it caught me by surprise. We had all been drinking and I just chalked it up to the effects of alcohol and perception.

About 3 months into the pregnancy all physical intimacy stopped. I tried talking to her about it. She claimed sick, feeling bad, just not feeling sexy, whatever constantly. We talked about going to a counselor but it just never seemed to happen. Slowly but surely she became more distant and I was clueless.

Around the time my son was two, I discovered she was having an online affair with some dude in the military and had been doing so since about three / four months into the pregnancy. We split a year later after a lot of promises that she would break it off with him and counseling and such. We were separated for two years during which I attempted to reconcile with her and get her back to the table. I finally realized she was never going to get her heart back in it when I offered to bring her along on a business trip. I had left on a Sunday and had the idea that night after having dinner at a restaurant in Denver CO, that I thought she would love. I called her as soon as I got back to the hotel and offered to fly her out to Denver, put her up in a room at the hotel I was staying at, and my folks could watch our son for a few days while she was there. She began to cry and tell me how insensitive I was for bragging about having that wonderful dinner when she was at home, eating a three dollar TV dinner. !!! I found out a week later that her boyfriend moved from his post when he was discharged to be closer to her. Mystery solved, I proceeded to do everything I could to accelerate the divorce process.

So, yeah, I had seen issues on her part resolving trust, regarding faithfulness, and an overall sense of a bigger picture. I still went ahead with the relationship with her because of a desire to be with someone with whom I thought I could be happy. I guess you could say I was scared of being alone, but it was more than that. I really did believe that we had a chance. Her medication had a lot to do with it, I believe. The changes that happened after not being on it during the pregnancy and then what I felt to be a form of post-partem depression following the birth of our son combined with economic stresses that we were experiencing to bring about this massive thing she couldn't see past. She ran to something else.

Our society today says:
You have a right to be happy
If you're not happy, it's something / someone else's fault
You have a right to have what you want

I don't know where these bylaws are written, but someone needs to clarify them. None of us have a RIGHT to be happy. We have the right to pursue our dreams and to try to be the best that we can be in that pursuit. I firmly believe that the idea that it's someone else's fault is an evil rooted deeply in our culture in this day and age. If it's someone else's fault that means we're victims. I have bad news ... we're not victims. We're responsible for our own happiness and our sense of self. I WISH I had the right to have what I wanted. We have the right to have goals and desires and self determination. No one can take those away from you, you can only give them away.

In conclusion I would say that we're all responsible for being in the relationships in which we've taken part. We need to be teaching our kids to be less impulsive, understand commitment and make plans and back up plans, have goals and make sure that those goals are a part of their lives and the lives of those that they choose to join themselves.
 futureshock
Joined: 5/8/2009
Msg: 100
view profile
History
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/10/2009 11:39:22 AM

I could no longer handle the combination of borderline personality disorder, untreated menopause, and a diagnosis of MS. And before you are too quick to judge- she is the one who threatened to leave. I think it surprised her when I called her bluff!

Two years later, I couldn't be happier!


What is untreated menopause? (lol!)

Did you have any children still living at home when you left? What if you had been the one with medical problems, and she had left you?
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Why did you get divorced?