| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/10/2009 11:55:02 AM | I think a more interesting question would be to ask people who stayed together why they think it lasted. But I suppose this isn't the place for that.
Pride wenteth before our fall. It brought us together and it tore us asunder. Fierce, unyielding, unmitigated pride: "the trait of being spurred on by a dislike of falling beneath your standards." | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/10/2009 4:06:47 PM | Long story short as it went this way I got Married Feb 2002 then went to Kuwait/Iraq in April 2003 and while I was gone she decided to look elsewhere for company in the bed. So before I came home from Kuwait/Iraq she wanted to leave because she cheated and thought the grass was greener with a married man and that was sometime around April 2004 when I got the call in Iraq. So when i got home from Kuwait sometime in May 2004 to try to make the marriage work which she didn't after two month I filed for Divorced which was final in Feb 2005.
Now if you want to know did I cheat the answer is NO as I have NEVER CHEATED on any female I have been with a day in my life. Now I have been ask by serveral females while I was there and yes as it maybe hard to believe I turned them down. Because at that time when I was married I was commited to being married and didn't want to do something I didn't want done to me but low and behold it did.But will that turn me off from trusting females I say not becauase every female is different. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/10/2009 10:07:11 PM | I hear you Xcheek. I think there is something around 40
been married for 20 years and all of a sudden she wants to act 20 again.
then It is "all about me" with her now. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/11/2009 6:59:06 PM | Getting divorced. After 21 years of marriage, 20 years separation. My husband wants to remarry. So now he is putting up the divorce.
We married as kids. I was 18 and he was 21. None of us was ready for it and I had a baby on the way. He became abusive and I made the decision to end it. Stupid reasons why we never got divorced. I had done the papers and he screwed me over so it would cause me trouble. After that, I didn't try. That was about 18 years ago. There are a lot of issues that got in the way but finally getting divorced.
Weird feeling going from 18 to 40 as a single parent. The years go so fast. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/11/2009 7:25:45 PM | | That is strange that it took you so long to get divorced. I hope you benefit in some way for it, like maybe social security benefits or something, if you live in the U.S. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/11/2009 7:40:17 PM | @futureshock:
In the United States, there is no compensation for something like this. He doesn't pay child support. There is an order and it will stay in effect until my husband pays it off or dies. My eldest is the oldest of his father's 6 children and my only one with him. He is 21.
My husband goes on to make 6 kids and doesn't take care of them, but goes on happy enough to remarry after we are divorced. And me? I get to drop my married name.
What a prize for the abuse I suffered at his hands. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/11/2009 7:46:30 PM |
@futureshock:
In the United States, there is no compensation for something like this. He doesn't pay child support. There is an order and it will stay in effect until my husband pays it off or dies. My eldest is the oldest of his father's 6 children and my only one with him. He is 21.
My husband goes on to make 6 kids and doesn't take care of them, but goes on happy enough to remarry after we are divorced. And me? I get to drop my married name.
What a prize for the abuse I suffered at his hands.
He sounds like a real jerk. I'm sorry you had to put up with abuse from him. Thank goodness you left when you did. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:41:14 AM | | Simply because second chances turned into twenty, and I had lost all trust and respect for him. I was extremely unhappy with the decisions he was making that was not only affecting him, but the children and myself as well. I had to make a positive choice. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:08:43 AM | Long long ago there was a time where you dated, dated, then courted for what seemed like forever and then got married. Today we freak out if the time from engagement to married is less than 6 months, use to be almost 2 years. Within that time frame you got to actually know the person.
I am guilty of "rushing it" with my first marriage. We got engages shortly after we met, then got married a few months later. I knew he had a temper, but I am stubborn and could put up with it. His mother was surprised I could put my foot down. The thing was I didn't know he couldn't deal with the responsibilites of being married an an adult. Things started to get more than just a yelling match. I got out when I realized my neighbors started asking me if things were alright. GUILTY of not waiting.
Second marriage I waited. Nearly 4 years, in which we lived together most of that time, before we got married. Found out, 3 years later, he wanted a different lifestyle than I did, and left me for that lifestyle.
It's a catch 22 these days. I think one of the largest problems we really have these days is the lack of communication or allowing to get close to someone. We really aren't looking for a help mate, some one we don't have to change to be with, etc. I know many people who have found someone they're totally compatible with and the marriages last.
Guess for the rest of us.... we just have to keep looking for that one... | |
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tat268
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Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 110 | |
| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:43:16 PM | | I got divorced because my husband found a girlfriend while I was busy taking care of a toddler with a birth injury and newborn. He said I didn't appreciate him, well, he didn't seem to appreciate me either, but I never considered divorce the answer... We were married 9 years before we had our first child who nearly died at birth, and by the time our second child was 10 months old, I found out he had a girlfriend. Three months after he left us, the girlfriend was pregnant... they had TWINS... I will never understand why he did what he did. I worry about our children's preception of marriage, trust, and committment, too. Let me know if you find a good answer to this one! | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/26/2009 8:51:28 AM | | My ex cheated frequently through out the marriage and he was abusive, but I can't say that's why I left. I left because I grew up and I changed - he was and is exactly what I married. I was raised to believe that a woman has to be married. When I met him, I was on my own at 17 with a child. He said all of the right things and I wanted to believe them. He also introduced me to coke - something I did a lot of during the 10 yrs I was with him. I forgave him over and over for the abuse and the cheating - he was always SO sorry. I even chose to ignore it when his best friends wife (my maid of honor) had a child who looks exactly like my daughter. Finally there came a day when I had chest pain so bad that I thought I had overdosed and was having a heart attack. I was in so much pain that I could barely move for 2 days and he never even called a dr - afraid of getting caught. I learned later that I had probably burned my lungs. I forgave him, but never wanted to do drugs again. That was when I discovered that without the drugs, I hated my life. Also, he felt insulted when I wouldn't use with him and the cheating and abuse both intensified. I did not like my life, who I was or what kind of parents we both were. I went to a domestic violence shelter and got a lot of counseling and parenting classes. I have been clean and living a completely different life for the past 15 yrs. I rarely dated during that time because I felt I had so much to make up to my kids for and have been focussed on them. Anyway, I was young and made a mistake. I grew up and changed my mind about the kind of life I wanted for myself and my kids. He has happilly continued the old life - married to the best friends wife. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/26/2009 7:02:41 PM | | I got divorced because my charming wife couldn't stand being away from me while I was deployed to Iraq and missed me so much that she decided to start having sex with other Soldier's while I was getting shot at. What a charming woman. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/26/2009 7:54:52 PM | [Didn't the vows include "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"]
HEALTH, not hell! I am not willing to share personal details, but you are right, you haven't walked in those shoes. Besides, "love & honor" traditionally come before "for better or for worse", and I would venture a guess that those vows had been long broken prior to any thought of abandonment. More important than the vows, imo, is the effect on the children.
I absolutely agree that current trends view marriage as disposable, and commitment is merely a difficult word to spell, with little meaning behind it. Contentment is highly underrated, and a strong sense of entitlement has led to a weak work ethic, as marriage is hard work. I simply think you picked a bad example to make a point with. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/26/2009 10:38:35 PM | I fought through 10 years of an abusive marriage (lasted 16.5 years total). He stopped the abuse (yes, that's right, he stopped the abuse) when the risk of me leaving and taking the kids got too great. (my perception of today looking back at that time). 5 years after the abuse stopped, I hear my children (14&10 at time) talking about how they'd rather go live in foster care than stay there, I heard my oldest counting down the time until she could leave and never return, I heard my youngest threatening to run away. (and the kids would only say "Daddy's unfair") I also noticed I was starting to feel more threatened and anxious but I was unable to determine why. We attended counseling together (which only lasted 2 months before he stopped going). Near the end of the year, I started uncovering lies. I also noticed nothing had improved in the last 12 months. I was now afraid of him and my children commented "school vacations should be banned as being cruel and unusual punishment." on the last day of school before Christmas.
What I know now but didn't then -- 2-3 years after he stopped the abuse -- he restarted it -- only this time he abused just the children when I wasn't present and he had them too terrified of him to tell anyone.
I filed for divorce in secret by leaving work early. I made arrangements to inform ex of divorce in the office of the counselor -- ex became so angy that the counselor was terrified and looked like he was debating the wisdom of calling for help.
67 days after ex was served, the divorce was final. 5 days later, AFOSI started investigating ex's behavior while he had children for the weekend. End result of the investigation: ex is now in prison and will have to register as a sex offender when released.
The last night I shared a bed with him, I barely slept due to an inexplicable feeling that my life was in danger. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/26/2009 10:44:51 PM | So these abusers never showed any inclination of their temperamental nature?
How long are you ladies getting to know men before marriage?
Do you feel worthless without a man so any man will do? | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/26/2009 11:14:06 PM |
So these abusers never showed any inclination of their temperamental nature?
How long are you ladies getting to know men before marriage?
Do you feel worthless without a man so any man will do?
Yeah, he showed me he had a temper -- he could throw a temper tantrum to make a 2 year old proud -- but he was not violent when angry. There were some red flags before the wedding but I didn't understand the non-physical forms of abuse until after the wedding. For that matter, I'd never even heard of the non-physical forms of abuse until we'd been married for 1.5 years. Because the abuse stayed with the non-physical forms of abuse I was able to fight back (after the USAF ordered him to stop aiming (but not connecting) kicks at my head when he was happy) during years 9& 10 of our marriage.
We got engaged 2 months after meeting, and we were engaged for 13 months. Total time from meeting to wedding 15 months. Even after 16.5 years of marriage I still didn't know him -- that's what I was thinking while listening to my daughter reporting what he did to her.
No, I do not feel worthless without a man and I didn't feel worthless without a man back then either.
Since, today, I sincerely believe his goal in marrying was to have 1 or more daughters to fulfill his sexual fantasies with -- do you really think he was going to let that be known in advance? | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/27/2009 10:52:43 AM | | sweetness, there are TONS of indications. The problem is that we didn't know what to look for - especially those of us who grew up with it and kind of thought of these men as normal. That's why it is so important for abused women to get help. Those who don't, usually end up with another abuser. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/27/2009 10:57:07 AM | | The other thing that makes it harder to spot these guys is that most of them can control their temper - they are great at fooling people. My ex did not abuse because he lost his temper - it was planned in advance and meant to control me. Also, many of these guys are really charming when they want to be. Some of the most charming men I have ever met are the ones that I worked with on death row. Beware of men who are to charming - there is often a phony aspect to it and you probably don't want to know what it's hiding. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/27/2009 11:06:35 AM | We met when I was 18, he was 20. We had sex 2 weeks after starting to date, and I got pregnant the first time. Being both Catholic, and with disapproving families, we decided to get married. We then had 2 more children in the next 5 years.
I knew he wasn't the one for me, but my 19 year old 'maturity' level felt that it was okay, and that I could sacrifice my needs in order to have a good family for my children.
10 years later, I had a dream that I got divorced. I woke up in the morning happier than I had ever been. I realized that even though he is a great guy, and wonderful dad, I didn't have to live for the rest of my life married to someone who I wouldn't even be friends with if we'd met now. You know how a lot of people say, the love is gone, the passion is gone, we're just friends? Well, we weren't friends, and realized we had absolutely no foundation for our marriage, and had just got along for 10 years by being busy with the kids and doing everything we could not to have to be alone together.
I told him I wanted a divorce 3 months after the dream. He was upset, but more upset about the split of the family than not being with me. We've been separated now for just 18 months and divorced for 5, yet have both found 'the one' for us. Amazing how fast it happened, but I figured we were owed it, for putting 10 years into raising these great children. I am getting married in February, and he just proposed to his girlfriend last weekend, they'll get married next October.
Our three kids are doing great. We live a 5 minute walk from each other and the kids are with him on the weekends. We talk or email almost every day about the kids, and are both genuinely happy for each other. Since there was no love in our marriage, we ended it without any anger.
I hope people don't think I'm selfish for ending a marriage that had no fighting, no abuse, no addictions. It was just a marraige that didn't have any love or friendship either. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/27/2009 11:20:52 AM |
What I see with my generation is that while we are still doing poorly in the picking a good mate area, I think we are doing better with divorce. Yes, there are still way too many grown-ups that think everything is about them but I am seeing a heartening number of people that are divorced, remarried, and it is like all the kids, are being raised by a team of 6 or more adults. I'm sure that people have their good and bad days but these people seem to honestly have come to like each other as well as the new spouses.
Well put packagedealx3: I come from your generation and agree that is the way we were raised. Except the paragraph above. What I see today are adults remarrying thinking everything is about them, my kids will not be with me forever, its my life, I'll do what I want with it...and the kids suffer in the new marriage. They not only usually have one dsyfunctional "real" parent but a new dsyfunctional "step" parent to have to deal with. And they can't go to the "real" parent that they live with, cause their too involved with themselves and their new "marriage" to care what the child thinks. So children are still suffering, in new ways, that I'm sure are screwing them up and they will in turn grow up to have some kind of dsyfunctional "marriage" themselves. Its still not all good out there. Of course, there are exceptions to everything I said here...just speaking from my experience of what I see around my area. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/27/2009 11:55:26 AM |
You are the kind of chicks I dread to meet. Who will leave me after 10+ yrs because they are bored. Simple, lets look for excitement.
Why would you leave someone because you had a dream that you are divorced. Surely, I have had dreams of close relatives dying but would never wish to lose them
I don't think that's a fair assessment of me. Both of us were in the same position. Our marriage only survived because he worked 3-midnight and so we were never together. On the weekends, I got a second job so that I could be away from the house and he did things with the kids. I was not looking for excitement at all, I was looking for a friend, for companionship. In fact, I just felt I was better off alone than trying to pretend to be happy. I was completely miserable. Felt trapped by the decision I made when I was 19 and didn't know any better. My mom and sisters later told me that they knew I shouldn't have married him and I would be unhappy. I wish they'd told me before I married him! I could have given the baby up for adoption, or been a good single mom.
As far as the dream goes...through my job I earned a cruise. My husband and I went, and it was the first time in 10 years we'd been alone. It was torture. We had nothing to talk about the entire time. It was very eye opening, but even still, I never contemplated divorce. The dream was the first time I actually saw divorce as an option. I had been in some form of marital/individual counselling on and off for 5 years, and because I truly wanted my marriage to work, the option never came up. More than anything in this world I wish my husband and I could have been at least a little bit compatible and stayed together as a family.
I'm happy with my decision, he is happy we've divorced, and the kids are absolutely thriving. It is not divorce that damages children so much as how the parents behave after divorce, and we have been exceptional.
I just couldn't live the rest of my life like that, so unhappy and feeling so hopeless that anything would ever get better. Eventually, I probably would have had an affair. Isn't it better that we ended it amicably, rather than waiting for it to fall apart, which it naturally would have? | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/27/2009 1:02:23 PM | | I got divorced because i decided my kids and I deserved better than to be treated like dirt. My ex was not only mentally abusive but also slept with over 15 women that I know of over the nine years we were married. I finally realized that if I didn't leave my kids would think that our relationship was healthy and it was not. My tip for the kids of the future is to teach them right from wrong let them know that good people are still out there and that they deserve the good ones. Acknowledge that your child is more prone to accept a lesser if that is what they saw you to accept. It's a tricky thing to overcome for both you and your kid yet it can be done and done well. At least thats what I tell myself everyday. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/27/2009 4:27:58 PM | Glad you asked!
Actually I'm not-but I will answer anyway....
I dated and married a very nice, smart and loving woman. It went well for 4 years-then we had our first. No problems....2 years later my son-MAJOR depression for her. From that point it was a struggle. For a total of 21 years of marriage I was the primary one to 'work' on the marriage. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it did not-but we lived mostly happyly and did a great job of raising the kids....
Long story very short: While I was working for a time in St Croix 2 years ago she had a 9 month affair with a man I have known for 26 years-and a former bf of hers. For 2 years I tried everything she wanted-even an 'open' marriage.
Bottom line? She has changed from the woman I knew to a vindictive and deceitful woman that even her own 17 y/o daughter says she cannot respect anymore. Both of my teens have asked her to 'just stay away' from the house and to leave us to heal.
Mid life crisis? Maybe-he is a musician and married as well. She spends an awful lot of time at his shows and bopping him in his van.... (rolling eyes).
I am getting past all this as are my teens. But it makes me wonder what could have been if she would have just agreed to counseling....
my .02 | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 10/27/2009 4:41:25 PM |
I dont approve of your divorce. The problem should have been solved by better commuication. Your marriage would have been fired up in one way or the other.
You're wrong. We communicated just fine. Do you not think through 10 years of marriage, 5 years of counselling, several marriage 'booster' courses we did not know how to communicate? There is no way to fire up a marriage that had no spark to start with. The decision was do we continue as-is, unhappy (which affects the children) or do we make a change and do the best thing for us, which leads to the children having a better life, and a better model to make a good choice for partners themselves?
I do hope that when you get married, you make the right choice and live a happy life together. | |
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