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| Comfort Zone
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:55:07 AM | It's not a comfort zone nor is it my late Da's fault as I heard suggested. I am an azzhole magnet.
They live with mum and turn out to be irresponsible. Unfortunately, it takes time for the real person to shine through. They paint a pretty picture during the honeymoon stage.
My older son's dad and I did great until after I had him. We went everywhere together. But after the baby, he still wouldn't work. (still doesn't still lives w/90yr old mum). This week he goes for sentencing for assualt my son told me.
My younger son's dad said he didn't drink. Into that relationship I found a graveyard of empty vodka bottles. Now he is in the graveyard. Lived with mum also into his 40s, no accountability for my son. The Grandmas get stuck holding the bag doing dad's part. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 9:56:21 AM | | Stepping outside my comfort zone is necessary, not a matter of choice. My comfort zone is that small. If I stay in it I wouldn't ever meet anyone because nobody else is in here but me. In fact, that perfectly describes why I don't date at all. Dating makes me uncomfortable. I could be very comfy with a woman if we were just doing anything else together. Then, my comfort zone extends to every part of the world where there is no actual combat taking place, and that doesn't have extremely hot or cold temperatures. I am comfortable with all kinds of people, everywhere I go. But once it becomes a dating situation I get uneasy. It gets dangerous. I would be a fool to ignore the danger. It is not for myself that I fear. For myself, I laugh at danger: Ha. It's for her concern that I am cowardly. She who is but a delicate flower, innocent, defenseless against the full force and effect of the passions I could inspire with the merest touch or look. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 10:30:50 AM | the comfort zone is the familiar no matter how bad that is
I also think it goes to the most overused word on here chemistry or as I see it all women have a certain trigger that fires up that chemistry be it a walk or an eye color an attitude etc..and so they also maybe have to go against there hardwired biology as well to get out of the jerk syndrom | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 11:02:19 AM | | "and the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." one of my favorites by, anais nin. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 12:23:37 PM |  Farceur, damn!!!
I have completely ignored you until today and your posts that I have run into have sent me to my knees laughing out loud, that is the ones that made sense. What the heck??? Though, you didn't see my response in that other thread, it was funny too! LOL
Now what is the subject here, comfort zone?
My comfort sones come mainly by intuition and definitely by experience. Some men I know I am safe with, so I have to hold back so that I do not scare them while they get into their comfort zone. Usually, the person that is the least outgoing is the one that is going to have a thought of comfort zone, whether that be man or woman.
SS | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 12:37:05 PM | i'd think that if someone was constantly attracted only to people who are 'bad' for them, then it is a matter of a lack of something in their lives....maybe a lack of self-love, or a feeling of not deserving happiness/respect?
if that's the case, then perhaps they can't consciously just 'decide' to choose better next time, without healing that area of lack within themselves, first
i do think that it is partially a matter of a 'comfort zone' too... people stick with what they know, many times... to venture, let alone to jump, into the unknown, can be a scary thing
i know when i was leaving my ex i felt like i was just about to jump off a cliff into a black void of nothingness; sounds overly dramatic writing it down, but it's true that's how i felt- i had no clue where i was going to live with the children or what i was going to do to provide for us... part of me just wished to return home and crawl back into bed...even though i knew realistically that wasn't an option...
the, "out of the frying pan into the fire" scenario is true enough times that taking the risk to change a bad situation can be daunting...however, to continually choose to leap into that frying pan in the first place shows a root cause that should be considered before beginning a new relationship again, imo | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 1:18:09 PM | Hi Op,
If you are one of these types of people that often find themselves in the same situation over and over again, attracted to the same type time after time, than maybe it's time for you to step out of your comfort zone and try a getting to know someone who you normally wouldn't. Have any people tried this before and what were/are the results?
I can't say I've been in the same situation over and over, but the constant is that all the relationships ended :) However, I did try to get to know someone I normally wouldn't. The results were the same. We had ups and downs but in different areas. People are people. We teach people how to treat us, and they teach us how to treat them!
Vash | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 1:31:51 PM |
They also stop asking why they are attracting the people and realize that there is nothing wrong with them, it is the other person who is not what he/she claimed to be.
Oh wise and beautiful Packagedeal!!!
Im done beating myself up.
No - its not us, its not a comfort to keep meeting these guys who are
not what they say they are but only to find this out AFTER you have
invested time and heart into it.
I dont think any man or woman goes out looking with the intent of
getting an assclown or crazy in the deal.
People present themselves sometimes to what they THINK you want-
mirroring you, your likes and dislikes to the point where you think
you have found your match. Until you are knee deep into like do you
find out they are not what they are.
It is not a "comfort" to be treated like shit. It is not a "comfort" to
realize this is what this person is. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 2:09:53 PM | I have dated in no particular order......the compulsive liar, the serial cheater, the alcoholic gambler and the verbally abusive moron. Oh yeah, and there is this one time that I dated a BANK ROBBER (had no idea). No two alike in anyway. In the case of the verbally/emotionally abusive guy, we "dated" for 4.5 years before we lived together and that is the moment it began. He has since told me that it was HIS fear of commitment and he is still single (but involved) at the age of 45.
Along comes a great guy....he is perfect in almost every way. Wait, almost? Well he is not as funny and not as good looking as I'm used too (but not a hobbit either). But he is a "good guy", I feel safe, secure, loved, protected. He doesn't lie, cheat, drink, do drugs, smoke, yell or call me names. He is sweet, affectionate, understanding, interested and attentive. You know, the things you only see in movies or read about? I struggled a bit as I'd prefer to have all of the above wrapped in a little better packaging, but he will not back down. Finally he wins my heart and we get married (I was 34).
Fastforward seven years....
Me skipping along believing everything is perfect in my fairytale world. I think we are going to grow very old together. We had big plans, the kids were days away from turning 18 and moving out. We were going to sell our house (making a killing) and move accross the country and start over, a new chapter.
Him......getting attention from some girl at work who is married but needs rescuing. He still wants to play the white knight and save the princess.
End result still the same = DOUCHEBAG.
So now what? | |
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Posted: 9/9/2009 6:26:50 PM | Well, this is more a situation about 'Patterns'...rather than a comfort zone.
I mean, what you are describing, Drew, is really the uncomfort zone, right?
and...if any of you....which it sounds like some are...are still wagging fingers and going...they were '***holes'....and I didn't know it....'they were losers'.....I thought they were the one..but they this....they that...then ...bzzzzzt. you missed the Lesson.
We Call our Patterns. We call to us what we 'think ' we need. We are stuck in the pattern of calling ones who test us, ones who cheat, ones who avoid commitment, or are emotionally vapid. That's a Soul Stuckness......that's not a comfort zone....really.
I don't believe for one minute that any woman..or any man....are lowering their standards at all.....they are simply not aware of their patterns, and even more so..even if they are seeing the lights in the distance...they are often frozen as to what to do to change these patterns.
You will call the ones that don't work until that doesn't work for you anymore. Some get the lesson quickly, some slowly....some never.
find the patterns that work in your life...stick with them
find the patterns that don't work in your life....work on them
live in the now..and look toward the future...the past is the past...why are we puking it up every day?????
In actuality, it sure sounds like it's a lot more fun for most humans to talk about what sucked and what didn't happen......then to think in terms of the possibilities of 'what could happen',
if I only let go of this fcuking rope that I keep almost hanging myself on.
thoughts become things
think good thoughts, people
Kimbo~  | |
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Posted: 9/9/2009 7:09:16 PM | I have my own theory about this so-called attraction people say women have for bad azzes for whatever it's worth...
Literally every "bad azz" I've ever known has a troubling and sad story to tell about how he became a "bad azz". Invariably, many of them had chaotic, hurtful childhoods. By virtue of being the type of child who would not ignore the "elephant in the living room" (such as Dad's alcoholism) and refusing to let their family ignore it, many of those "bad azzes" started out as black sheep in their families. Their unwillingness to accept rules and authority or to "go with the flow" was an attempt to get the family to deal with the truth of what was going on in the family. In short, the black sheep who became bad azzes were literally the truth-pushers in their families of origin. As long as they acted up, the families could not forget that there was a problem. Instead of dealing with the family elephant, many families to scapegoat the black sheep as the "identifiable problem" rather than let the family secret be exposed and force anyone to have to do anything about it. That's how many bad azzes came to be bad azzes...
Women (even in these generations) are raised to have a great deal of compassion and empathy in order that they might one day become good wives and mothers. From their first dolly on up, the message is that a little girl is supposed to become a soft-hearted, compassionate person.
So you have a soft-hearted, compassionate woman who has perhaps known what it is to try to love a bad azz father or admired her mother's dedication to her bad azz father. This woman hears a heartbreaking story being told by the new bad azz who seems so tough to everyone but trusts her enough to let her beyond his wall. She also hears that he has always longed for a normal family and to be able to trust someone to love him. She resolves to become that person and to give him "normal". In her compassion, she forgives him a 1000 times.
Many bad azzes truly do want to change their lives but they certainly don't show that to the world. Unfortunately, it's also true that many of them find that they can count on most women being compassionate so they see no reason to have to shape up or fly straight. They learn to manipulate that soft heart and become quite merciless in doing so...
It isn't the case that women are attracted to bad azzes. It is often the case that bad azzes are attracted to soft-hearted women. The one who is truly willing to climb out of their comfort zone to stand inside the fire, is the soft-hearted woman. It's the bad azzes who often refuse to budge from their "comfort zones".
That's what I think... | |
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Posted: 9/9/2009 7:26:56 PM | I think you get back what you put out there... it becomes a self esteem issue if you feel inside that is the best you can get of course your going to go after the same type of person.. its like the people that go to different restaurants only to order the same thing each and every time...
Lets also not forget the superficial people out there, when you go for only looks those fade what you end up left with is what is inside that person and sometimes thats not always pretty
just my two cents ;) | |
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