| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/5/2009 10:16:59 AM | I think as you get older, you become more practical about what you give to others as you grow with them. You learn not to give too much right away and let the other person earn their way in. You also learn what is realistic in a relationship, and maybe lower some of those expectations that any person would have been challenged in meeting or exceeding.
I agree with the initial statement that trust gets harder to give as you get older, but I think it is caused by becoming self sufficient and not needing the other person as much as you may have when you were wide eyed to the ideas of love. So, the little things impress us less. People need to show us more to get inside our barriers. The bright side is, as you get older and more in tune with the idea of sharing with someone, it naturally becomes a little easier to overcome those challenges. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/5/2009 3:13:42 PM | "Do we give less of ourselves in relationships as we get older?" I think taking it one day at a time, not rushing into something and really getting to know another is the ticket. Maybe we don't give less, just go about it in a different way.
"Did I think that I'd be online dating?" No, not really.
"Is it harder to meet people when your older?" I don't think so. Just takes more time because we may be more selective. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/6/2009 7:44:45 PM | | When you are young you give everything of yourself for love only to realize as you get older that they were not worth it and you got nothing to show for all the things you gave of yourself, it's different at this age because now they have to EARN it ! and you wonder why everyone thinks dating is so hard when they get older? | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/7/2009 8:39:27 AM | You are right about the three things men,me anyway,men must have before ready for dating.I have all three and finally feel like I have something to offer. Just asked out a girl from work via email as it's to hard at work and Im so damn shy still at 53 years old.I used to drink too much and quit 5years ago which for some reason has helped me to hold on to a good job and buy my own condo and a new car.I look and feel alot better about myself now and feel like I have lots to offer.I have not dated at all for years but dont want to grow old alone.All I need is some attention from a nice girl to help boost my confidence.I hope she says yes,fingers crossed! | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/7/2009 11:08:24 AM | [Chances are, if you are single in your thirties, you have had at least one bad relationship.]
[No such thing IMO. Only people that you weren't compatible for eternity with, and have regrets that you weren't smart enough to figure it out sooner. Which means all the responsibility is on you, for maintaining a relationship. It's not the nebulous "relationship's" fault...it's yours.]
I agree with the compatibility point. Maybe that should read 'really wrong relationship' instead of 'bad relationship'. Its like shopping from a catalogue, guilty, compared to window shopping in town.
I've had to learn patience. There's a saying; 'If its for you, it won't pass you.' | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/7/2009 7:23:35 PM | | Nobody wants to die alone, the sad thing is though that it's rare to find a mate that is giving respectful,trustworthy and sincerely cares enough about you to do what makes you happy until the bitter end. Think about how long it's been since you dated, then ask yourself how did you survive so long without someone special to share your life with? Sadly there are just too many superficial, insincere people both online and in the real world to worry about dying alone. Be prepared to die alone with your dignity and your self respect rather than selling yourself short in the hope that some shallow person will be with you long enough to get everything you have spent your life working for. Sad but true. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:41:11 PM | Lol, knoxvillain!
hmm...consider...if she is low on oil...
two thoughts here..
It could mean something has been over taxing her engine, needs to back off, quit redlining the RPMs mebbe...
or too much drama, not enough security...
When a car is in good working order and is driven with care, one simply "renews" the oil when it is time. You rarely "run low". Is it not so?
IMO, when we are truly in the presence of one we love who loves us as well, it almost feels like a warm flowing liquid that permeates every cell in our body with delight and even extends throughout the aura that surrounds our body, spreading the happiness to everyone we encounter. And the heart truly does throb. Pulsing, gently, with every breath in the presence of the beloved, the heart is the true center and source of the warmth.
If any place else on the body is "warmer", . well, we might want to consider that what is present may not be "love" but perhaps "lust".
All people find what they are truly seeking. Some "settle", before they reach their ultimate desire, they dear, but it's all a piece of the tapestry, lessons on the way. Can't beat yourself....or anyone else...up over it.
Practice makes perfect, in love and all things. | |
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| Love has to be earned?
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:03:28 PM | GQ...you must be a tough sell...lol
I can't think of a time that I felt LOVE had to be earned.
Respect, yes. That is earned.
But love is not a currency to be paid or withheld if someone doesn't "perform".
Actually, I can't think of a time that I didn't just INSTANTLY feel attraction, LOVE someone, usually at first sight. completely Un-earned...lol.
Guess the tricky part is learning how to accept love as the other person is able to give it, learning how the other person needs to BE loved, defining clearly what love means to us, and then sorting out the differences until we find a comfort level pleasing to us both.
At least, that's how it feels to me :)
OFF THE SUBJECT, MAYBE....
For some reason an old song just came to mind:
"Take it eas-y, take it eas-y.
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you cra-zy.
Lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand
just find a a place and take a stand, take it eas-y...."
that Jackson Browne classic
Words to ponder...
Ha. If we're really "lookin' for a lover that won't blow our cover"
then we're looking for a mirror, not real love.
If we're looking for someone to save us...well, we gotta save them right back...
(shades of "Pretty Woman"...lol)
lol | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:35:39 PM | | i don't think that i give less of myself so much as i am more cautious. for one thing, there are so many wierdo's out there now. then, there are the diseases to worry about. then of course, if you have had a bad relationship, and i have, you are afraid of getting hurt again. but i am still looking and when i find the right guy, i feel sure that i will give my all to the relationship. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/18/2009 3:19:14 PM | At 15 I gave her the universe.
At 25 I gave her a good time.
At 35 I gave it a shot. (And at 36 she took what I'd got).
At 45 I'm just glad she'll take what's left.
Isn't it really about what you have to give? Everything from nothing is nothing. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/24/2009 12:52:51 AM | | I don't think I give less, but I definitely put up with less. When I was younger (before and during my marriage), I was more willing to bend in order to meet his needs. Now that I'm older and divorced, I'm less willing to put up with things that bother me. Makes relationships a bit edgier, but a lot more honest. It works. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/24/2009 2:25:03 PM | | I have been married twice, with my first marriage we married too young ages 19 and 20 and we grew apart. The second marriage, I thought I found the love of my life, but I guess it wasn't meant to be either. At least now my exes and I are able to hold a decent conversation. I might not agree with everything they have done in the past and they might have the same idea with me. I have learned to be forgiving, it has been hard at times being bitter but as time goes on the bitterness gets smaller and smaller and I am trying to learn from my past mistakes wondering why I chose them over others. When I do see my exes I don't have any emotional attachments anymore, which is nice. When dating now, I know what I want out of life and I don't want to settle for just anyone and take my time getting to know the them better and taking it slower. I know what I will do on a date and not do on the date until the time is right for both of us. I do know I want someone that has the same values as I do without controlling behaviors from either one of us. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/24/2009 2:45:01 PM | I think some people who are gunshy might...
some people who are more established that are more set in their ways might be more controlling
some very much might be totally the opposite; and finally be able to give of themselves where the kids are more independent and they aren't working so hard to get established, since they are already there. They still have duties and things they have to do; but it is not an emotional distance; just normal stuff in life.
The large chipos on shoulders people I'd say definitely yes; they very much do; they can't trust in their current mindset; so they look for red flags, they look for things that are deja vu and are so set to "fight or flight" they oftentimes jump at the first sound of car misfire, and run first, asking questions later.
In my own case, I might take longer to get one established rather than dive; (I have to know someone well before even considering a relationship with them; though I do make friends easily) but I also know I am not someone who does anything halfway; when I do get into an actual relationship , it will not be with part of me closed off... (granted it won't be claustrophobic, I'm someone who believes people still need individual time and their own interests too as well as shared ones) but it will be all parts of me very much being brought to bear... I don't know any other way... and I would only consider it with someone who feels that way too.
I think everyone is different; and there will not be a set answer just baesd on age. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/24/2009 2:51:51 PM | OP,
Not necessarily, while it is true that become become even more "different" from one another as we get older in our own individuality, I find myself more tolerant, less head strong and appreciate people for their differences where when I was younger, I had many set in concrete notions and was just too young dumb and the other thing to be swayed.
In giving to a mate, I actually feel more open about it, more inclined to share much more of myself and feel as though I want more shared with me.
Did I think I would be online for dating, no, not really. To be frank, I don't really care of it, I think I've given it a fair shake and it does not suit me. I think I prefer meeting prospects in person or through friends, the online dating scene just lacks too much for my taste.
As far as it being harder to meet people now that I am "older", I find it just the opposite, I am more likely to begin a conversation with a stranger now versus when I was younger.
Happy fishing. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:46:34 PM | Au contraire OP - I find I give MORE of myself in a relationship as I mature because I have a better handle on WHO I am and what needs to be given! I look forward to loving someone, through thick and thin, until we are old and arguing over the last tangerine on a porch one day. That can only be achieved through patience, respect, commitment, and compromise.
(sex is much better .. shhhh)
I also - value a strong committed relationship - for different reasons then I did when I was younger. Its not to say I didnt value the relationship I had then - but I truly had no idea how important certain parts of it were at the time.
The only thing that is less about me in a relationship is my capacity to tolerate BULLSHIT - its completely gone. I have no patience for crap, and I have no time to waste trying to convince my man he should spend time with me (as I see many women doing in all age groups). This is where selection process will hopefully come into play, and it hasnt failed me yet thank goodness - I dont want a man that doesnt want me the same way I want him - and if that becomes apparent to me at any interval - I will move on faster then a new york second.
I have everything to give a man who truly values my gift of everything - and reciprocates because he believes I am deserving.
The best relationships can be had without the diaper bags, and the toilet training, and the babysitters - not that those things are important in terms of bonding between a couple - but there are also wonderful ways to bond with the extra freedom to spend time doing things you BOTH ACTUALLY WANT TO DO TOGETHER!
Dont worry - it can and will happen.
Good luck.
Hugz
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:26:29 PM | I give less of myself, for sure, to relationships now than say, five years ago.
To be blunt, I've learned it's not worth it. No person is worth how much I used to give.
So now I give that eneregy to my job, my friends and myself.
Sometimes I feel sad about that, and I think everybody still wishes on some level they'd find that realtionship that was their idea of perfect when they were younger, but when you realize that doesn't exist, you need to find other great things to put yourself into, right, or what are you doing? | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:37:25 AM |
I give less of myself, for sure, to relationships now than say, five years ago.
To be blunt, I've learned it's not worth it. No person is worth how much I used to give.
So now I give that eneregy to my job, my friends and myself.
People are worth it, you are most worth it (so it's good you are giving to yourself now); but the trick is with people? Find someone who gives of themselves back, instaed of giving to a black hole of take. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:06:52 AM | It cuts both ways for me. When it came to casual dating, I had a lot less patience in my late 30's than I did in my early 20's. At this point in my life, I think it's a lot easier to identify what does and doesn't work for me, and I just don't waste my time with someone who isn't a good fit.
On the other hand, I think at this point in my life, I'm much better at being in a relationship. I know who I am, have gotten over some issues that caused me to assert myself misguidedly, and I fully understand that you get back what you put in. If anything, I feel much more open now, and far more trusting.
Maybe I've been through enough at this point to know that even if the worst happens, I'll still be okay eventually, and there's nothing to really be gained from holding back. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 7/4/2009 9:16:03 AM | I still believe you get what you're willing to give in relationship. I don't take it for granted what is freely given to me. I definitely value what I freely give. When I think I'm not loved and respected? I'm gone quicker now that I'm older, wiser. I don't believe in hanging on out of a sense of stubbornness, or morbid fascination about watching a failing relationship of mine. Not anymore. I'm such a liar.  | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:03:47 PM | I think a spiritually well and fully evolved person would give 110% every time, knowing the only true love can be directed at your true self. You have to love like you've never been hurt.
Bad relationships don't necessarily mean a wounded person for the rest of eternity. Broken bones heal, and so do broken hearts. I find I am not ready for a relationship until the broken heart is mended. I used to ping pong around immediately post break-up, but I was denying myself the natural recovery time. I don't deny myself any more. | |
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