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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:10:01 AM | Can someone suggest how I can honestly tell someone "I don't like your face?"
You have the most intersting arrangement of features in a rather unfortunate way. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:38:14 AM | Well, let's see. Hmmmmmm...... Brutal honesty upfront in the beginning. Disappearing act? Coward and spineless. So, you don't like conflict and drama? Neither do I! I don't like spineless cowards either so now what do we have? Nothing, just like was intended from the beginning. Good riddance to bad rubbish.   | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:35:01 PM | You know its funny that you wrote this forum because I was helping a good friend out with a situation very similar to this question. I don't think disappearing would be the appropriate way to handle at situation like this. #1 it shows a lack of maturity and #2 would you like someone to do that to you? To add to that, if someone wasn't over there ex they shouldn't be in the dating arena period.
I think as adults we should know how to tactfully end relationship before it becomes exclusive. Sometimes based on the circumstances it could be a difficult thing to do but AGAIN as adults we should somehow manage to do it with grace... I've been in this situation before where I wanted to stop dating someone based on the lack of chemistry and they were still interested and I never disappeared. I just respectfully offered and suggested a friendship over dating... sometimes they accept it, sometimes they don't however it's always better than them hearing "I'm not over my ex or simply not ever hearing from me again".
Put it this way, if you knew someone was trying to end something with you but you still wanted them and they gave you 3 choices for you to understand that a relationship would never work. Which would you choose?
Them saying "I'm not over my ex so we have to stop dating because I'll never love you" which would probably leaving you 
I'm pretty sure you'd chose the last one
Them just just getting up and disappearing on you? 
Or them saying hey I like you but I think we would be better friends than lovers and I would love to be your friend  | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 8:36:15 AM | Yup, the last one but if it's said only to save face and not to look like a jerk then carry it down the road.
That's what one guy did to me and then said " I don't even want to be friends with you but what else was I supposed to say?" | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:38:57 PM | I disagree with most of the posters. Sometimes it better for each party not to communicate. I would prefer to tell her what is wrong and vent but it just isn't appropriate to do that to someone you only have gone out a few times.
I have ended it four ways:
1) with a nice e-mail saying what is actually wrong with the relationship (i.e. not mature enough, need too much attention, not my preference, etc.);
2) in person saying the same as no. 1 (only once and never again, very bad reaction);
3) with a nice e-mail saying it's not you it's me (when it really is that there is no chance for 'we' because of specific issues);
4) incommunicado (no answer to calls, texts or e-mails after the initial date or 2-3 dates).
I found that no. 4 easily has the best results. It is not a spineless coward thing, it is just easier on the heart and the ears. I had it done to me and it at least let me know where I stood, let go and move on. With nos. 1-3, the girl always keeps pushing, either for more information (which I have learned the hard way is best not to give) or another chance to give it a try.
Also, I have to say that the quality of the girls I have met on this site has been absolutely terrific. Almost all of them have been intelligent and pretty with great personality. Go ladies!!! It is too bad that I haven't found the right connection yet. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:05:47 PM | | People should be considerate of other peoples' feelings. If someone shows interest and another returns the interest, a connection is made and a relationship either as friend/acquaintence or possibly romantic begins. Once people start getting to know each other and communicate, feelings become stronger and caring increases. If for some reason one person falls out of love or favor with their partner in the relationship, they should tell them honestly why things are failing. For whatever reason: physically unattractive, mentally unstable, too busy, new boyfriend/girlfriend, or you're scared by how strong they come on to you and their contacting you is more than they're comfortable with- people should know in order to fix what went wrong. If we don't know what went wrong in the first place, it may likely happen again with someone else and rejection never feels good. People lose hope, get depressed, and hurts the soul. I've spoken and texted with a few in hopes to meet for drinks, break the ice, and get comfortable. They seemed to like me. One of them made plans with me to meet for karaoke and she stood me up after I got out of work and arrived at the bar. She later claimed that she recently had a boyfriend. She didn't even give me a chance to meet her for drinks. The second one never seemed to have time to meet. People always have time to relax. I work fifteen hour shifts sometimes, but I'll always make time for others afterwards because I know that the precious time will be worth it. Whether she was up for a promotion with her job or not, she didn't even choose to meet me and give me a chance despite our few nice conversations where I made her laugh and I learned that she was a nice friend and a hard worker. If they're lying about their reasons, they shouldn't be on dating sites this nice. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:19:26 PM | Always be honest. I dated a man I cared for a great deal but suspected he was still dealing with fallout from his ex. So it was a relief when he confirmed it and said he's just not there yet. If he had disappeared, I would always wonder what I had done wrong. At least this way he could tell me how wonderful I was, how special I am but the timing is all wrong. I knew that anyway.
if someone tries to keep in touch or pushes for a second chance, well that is for you to handle. Being involved with people is messy and complicated and because it makes you uncomfortable is no reason to deny somebody the truth. You need to learn to deal with your discomfort. Walking away is easier for YOU- not for the other. And it's cowardly. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 2:25:16 PM | | I believe it is never ok to just disappear. It is rude and inconsiderat. Being honest doesn't have to be brutal or cruel. There is always a nice way to say something. Sometimes a little white lie is ok too. If someone just disappears, there is no closure for the other person. That person is left wondering what happened. It is cowardly to just disappear. I was actually seeing someone for 6 months and i knew we were coming to the end but it was still horrible for him to never call again. It doesn't matter if it is 6 months or just a few e-mails, i believe in treating people how i would want to be treated. For all the guys out there...treat women the way you would want your daughters, sister, etc. to be treated. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:26:07 PM | | It's much more painful to just disappear. I met this girl on POF the week before last and we've been talking a lot since then. We met this past Sunday, ate some ice cream, and had some great conversations. We had a lot in common and I felt like she was "the one" because she appeared to be the perfect package. Great looks, great personality, intelligent, and many things in common. Yesterday morning, she deleted her POF account and she didn't respond to my email. That's a pretty extreme move on the count on she said she enjoyed talking to me before we parted ways and gave me a hug. But yeah, disappearing is the worst. It's worst than getting cursed out by ghetto girls for trying to ask them out(yeah, stupid move on my part) or the typical let's be friends, but slowly distance themselves away from me. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 10:46:13 PM | I appreciate honesty in all it's forms. It's so much nicer dealing with people that can express themselves instead of suppressing or ignoring for some reason. No one is really truly without explanation, it's ridiculous to think that one doesn't have anything to say. To express the thought that they do not want to continue - even with the consideration that it might be hurtful to the person on the other side of the conversation - is respectful to both involved.
It has more to do with needs/desires not being met by one person, rather than the other person is lacking in some way. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 11:08:03 PM | | I have just had this happen to me and I don't know why, it is very hurtful, after giving someone several months of affection and time I would like answers. I would rather a man come out and tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore and part as friends. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:28:24 AM | Been on both sides of the disappearing act, and its hurt both parties deeply each time. I'd rather just sit down and end it cleanly, remaining as friends or not. If you have enough on your chest that you want to disappear, why not just get if off your chest first?
You can always send an honest message to the disappearer, it does help to get closure, even if they wouldnt give it to you. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/17/2009 5:50:56 AM | Nothing says "It's Over" like a restraining order.
j/k.
But really, it depends upon the situation. A couple non-intimate dates ain’t even a “breaking up,” ‘cause you’re not even “an item” in the first place. If you wish to simply be friends it may be better to just "drift apart" than "slam the door." On the other hand, for a REAL break-up, i.e., if you’ve been going out a while or have been a bit more intimate, better communication is definitely in order. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/17/2009 7:37:35 PM | | Nope, not at all, I'd rather get the truth in a respectful manner than to be lied to or find out about something. Last time I looked I was a grown woman, though it could hurt and I might even get upset or mad for a few moments, I would respect the person much more for telling the truth no matter what. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/18/2009 4:54:35 AM | Honesty and a clean break are the best! a messy "we will try to fix it" is the worst.
While at that, I have dumped and been dumped and I must say dumpee is way easier then dumper. Even if it doesn't seem that way at the time, it really is the case. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/18/2009 7:35:58 AM | I think I am in the same camp as Tracyannk and workinggenius on this one. How long the relationship has been established is crucial. I have gone out with someone 3 or 4 times, and I thinking everything is moving smoothly...and the phone calls end. Of course it stings, I "wonder" what happened, but I certainly don't feel he owes me an explanation - he lost interest. Truth be told I have done it a few times
Now it is a whole different animal if you have an established relationship - then an explanation (where hopefully everyone acts like an adult) should be done | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:35:54 AM | Well you don't have to actually say " I don't like your face". There are ways of telling someone that you are just not attracted to them, without being mean.
I assume that you are refering to a guy?
I would just say " I really dont want to hurt your feelings, but everyone is attracted to different types of guys, i am not attracted to you personaly, but that doesn't mean that someone else wont be"
Hopefully you can remain friends? | |
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