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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/28/2009 1:34:22 PM | | I prefer honesty. Disappearing act makes me feel neglected….. something like I was thrown away as an old shoe. I need a closure no matter how hurt or rejected I’d feel. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/28/2009 1:51:09 PM | | If you want any chance of getting back with the person...honesty is the way to go...to disappear gives you no chance in hell of getting that person back...that's happened to me a few times...why disappear then come back...do you really expect her to accept you with open arms...nope...to disappear breaks complete trust...you might just do it again...why risk you're feelings to go through that again and not get proper closure...as opposed to trusting that the person will process the situation with you openly and honestly. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/28/2009 2:57:39 PM | Just disappearing instead of facing the other person and giving them closure is nothing but an act of cowardice.
It shows a total lack of respect for the other person...and a total lack of balls in the party doing it. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/1/2009 4:51:25 AM | | Honesty does not hurt more than just disappearing. I agree, it shows a lack of respect, it is a coward's way out. No ball's for sure. What is wrong with just saying it isn't working for me. Of course it will be painful, but not as bad as the disapearing act. Everyone needs and deserves closure. I am writing from experience. I love the forums. There are some intelligent people on here. Thanks. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:45:40 AM | I prefer honesty. If you have ever had someone do the disappearing act, you never know why. You can make all kinds of assumptions and never really know what led to their decision to just disappear . Was it something you said or did or simply it could be that you just did not fulfill the needs of what that person was looking for. The word jerk comes to mind to describe a person who would just walk away without further communication. Probably a good thing but you don't see it at the time.
If someone tells you that: "You are a nice person and I wish you all the best, but ....." , then you know their reason for not continuing on. You will still be affected, but you will get over it. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/1/2009 9:35:51 AM | | I recently had 3 dates with what i thought was a great guy, he's funny, attentive and seemed extremely 'into' me, so i asked him on a 4th date a few weeks ago and he hasn't come back to me, i've spoken to him twice since and he hasn't brought the subject up so i'm now thinking i either did something really wrong or he was a player (really didn't get a player vibe off him though) havent spoken to him for nearly a week and i've been determined not to ask what happened after all it's only been 3 dates but still would be nice if he just said thanks but this isn't working for me | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/1/2009 10:06:25 PM | | I call just disappearing the "cut and run" scenario and I have had it happen to me several times. I can tell you from experience that it does hurt worse than being told by the guy that it just isn't working for him - whatever reason that might be. I appreciate closure and not having that leaves me with tons of questions which makes the situation worse. My thought is that if someone doesn't want to be with me, I am not going to argue with him to try to change his mind. Simply...I want someone to want to be with me as much as I want to be with him and if those feelings aren't there - tell me and I'll move on. Just doing the "cut and run" doesn't allow me to do that as easily. I will always prefer honesty. It's how I choose to be with others and no matter know hard it is (and it is hard) it is the most respectful action you can take. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:08:18 PM | | I recently got "dumped" by a close female friend, and believe me, it's just as painful as if it were a romantic relationship. I made every attempt to communicate with her and was met with a stone wall of silence. It's very hurtful and very controlling to use the Silent Treatment, no matter what the nature of the relationship is. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:42:46 PM | Its easier for the fader to fade, which is why so many play that game. Personally I hate it and refuse to play.
It's kinda amazing how many people are choosing the honesty rote, yet every time I've traveled that path, it's blown up in my face and I end up wishing I'd pulled the spineless fade routine. Sometimes you just don't feel it there after a few months, but many have problems accepting that. Since I'm not a person who craves a partnership from anyone that will pay attention to me and dont develop feelings on an initial meeting, it takes a little time to find out that nothing is developing. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:28:21 AM | | i recently met a guy on another site we started mailing each other then we started texting , me like a mug thoguht he was geniune we arranged a date to meet and he kept telling me he couldn't wait . then yesterday everything goes quiet we chatted most of the day then in the evening nothing this morning he texted to say he fell asleep ...he went on msn then said he had to go. i have had no more text of nothing on msn i know he is online as it shows it on the site we are both on. he is also ignoring my text so have given up . would have been better if he was honest and explained that he had changed his mind but i have nothing off him. i'm just kicking myself that i let my guard down | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:48:47 AM | Honesty is preferable to leaving someone stood up.
That said, there are ways and ways of being honest. Being so brutally honest that you've verbally kicked them in the head is not nice. Being so tactful and diplomatic that they don't understand what you've said won't work either though. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/4/2009 1:32:22 PM | | This issue of honesty makes me real mad because I have noticed how just about every woman sets the mail settings where they weed out guys who are looking for “intimate encounters” and “other relationship”. They say they they want a guy who is honest, caring and loving etc. Yet if you portray yourself as being just that, they have no interest. What it boils down to, is honesty means not saying you are a doctor or some profession she is looking for so she can weed you out easier. I hate it when women say they want you to list a lot of interests and be honest about who you are, then you are but they don't respond or put very little on their profile. Why bother spending the time to write a lot on my profile if nobody reads it? | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:15:22 PM | | It really comes down to issues of maturity, accountability and responsibility. The disappearing act is definitely a cowardly way of dealing with the situation, however, it seems that it is quite common. The not-knowing is far more difficult to deal with than the knowing....And the lack of closure and incessant questions/excuses which arise in the mind of the "dumpee" are not pleasant feelings to have to deal with at all..... | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/6/2009 6:37:14 PM | This "closure" terminology is a US phenomenon. Reading between the lines would be the more Australian one.
Disappearing is pretty honest. Kinda hard to get mixed messages about it. Don't open yourself so prematurely, to such a degree you cannot recover easily next time. It's a life lesson for you, not some kind of community policing issue for others. I mean holy crap are you infants? Even children frequently act in accordance and then go and do what they really think and feel. They'll be polite to a bully, try not to attract further bullying and then do their best to avoid them the moment they manage to get away. What is difficult to figure out about it?
Bad parenting is this issue, thinking others are responsible for your feelings. Actually that's guilt and disassociation, get over yourself and grow up.
I'll take any honesty I can get, by action if not words and it bothers me not in the slightest because I don't have any personal issues. And if I constantly have to decipher actions to figure out truth then I'm the one likely to break off contact and would actually be thankful if they did first, and laugh if they thought I'd been manipulated and was sitting around worrying about them instead of jumping around on my bed like it was a trampoline singing hey hey the witch is dead. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/10/2009 8:25:06 PM | All of message 94, I completely agree with. Great post.
Most likely there was some tension before the person left, and if they left there must of been an awful lot, so maybe it is for the better.
But if it is a simple break up, step forward and let them know. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/10/2009 9:10:54 PM | "I want & demand respect and honesty as that is how i treat others. It hurts for a little while..but at least you're not left wondering wtf just happened??"
I agree with most of what you say, but a person also has to deserve respect, and not all people deserve it. JMO | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/10/2009 11:02:45 PM | op,
either way, it's hurtful, but it's a lot easier and faster to get over if someone is honest. you don't spend weeks or months naively wondering & hoping. your mind will always wonder to a certain degree, but it wonders a lot less and for a lot shorter time if the other person pulls out definitively & with surgical precision. unfortunately, too many people either disappear or try to soften the blow. all that ultimately does is lead to prolonged confusion and pain. sigh...will people ever learn? | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/11/2009 5:06:40 AM | I have to disagree...i think we all deserve respect as a human being with feelings and emotions.You don't have to respect a tree...but you better respect me!!! LOL...
I agree with one of the above posters....it would be nice if honesty was out there..but in most cases it all about the games.. | |
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