| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 7:40:56 PM | | Unconditional love is a foolish thing. I'd reserve it for my kids, only (if I had any). The idea of loving someone no matter how they treat me, no matter what decisions they make, no matter what kind of shitty person they become, is just kind of banal to me. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:03:09 PM | See what everyone here is missing and a lot of people in general seem to miss is the concept of tough love.
The saying, "If you really love someone the let them go", is an example of tough love.
Sometimes pushing someone away or confronting them with the ugly facts is the most caring thing you can do but people seem to mix uncontional love up with some kind of soppy passive behaviour.
Unconditional really means you hold their happiness as your highest goal and if that means punishing destructive behaviour then so be it.
Perhaps people confuse uncontional love with unconditionally wanting someone to be part of their life. These are not the same thing, far from it.
Now to the OP's question on should we try to love unconditionally. I'd say certainly, it's a beautiful thing. But just be clear on what unconditional love actually is before you sign up. It certainly isn't a walk in the park as many parents could tell you. Go talk to someone who's kid got messed up in drugs... | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:20:18 PM | I try not to 'punish' a girlfriend. A partner shouldn't be taught lessons like one would teach a child. Rather, I think avoiding any kind of condescending behavior works best for the relationship as a whole.
Then again, I don't really date people who need to be led around anyhow. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:25:24 PM | I try not to 'punish' a girlfriend. A partner shouldn't be taught lessons like one would teach a child. Rather, I think avoiding any kind of condescending behavior works best for the relationship as a whole.
Then again, I don't really date people who need to be led around anyhow.
The words confuse the concept. If you love the girl, and she behaves badly, sometimes the best way to show your love is just to step away. Punishment of bad behaviour can get you in trouble. Failing to learn from bad experiences gets most of us in trouble. I had to leave a very important relationship. Not because I didn't love her. Because it hurt ME too much to stay.
Edit for post below::
You need to love yourself first.
Get out, and quit being the carpet.
Leaving doesn't mean you stopped loving.
Can anyone look up the definition of "False Dichotomy?" | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:27:59 PM | Loving unconditionally is love for your kids....
If you love a person unconditionally, then.....
What do you do if he/she cheats?
What do you do if they drink and do drugs to the point it sets you and your family life into a turmoil?
What do you do if they cannot handle money and put you and them in the creditor's hammerlock?
What do you do if they abuse and molest your children?
The list goes on....
If you still love unconditionally after any of the above, I suggest you get help before you gradually turn into a piece of carpet 3' X 2' made for wiping boots on.
Edit: To the person above....Helloooo!
If you cannot be with them because of their behaviours, then that was a condition.
If you cannot accept that was a condition, then how about this?
Baggage...big-time. There you are....loving her/him unconditionally....on your own...wandering the earth...cannot love anyone else...having brief encounters with whomever crosses your path to escape the lonliness for even a few hours...ahhhh...the drama....
We love people with baggage. But this sounds more heart-wrenching, eh?
Actually, I'd love to love a person with my whole heart and soul, but if he even does any of my list above, then it's over. That is a condition.
My love will die.
I have been there and I know myself. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:31:27 PM | | We should try to love everyone unconditionally as God loves all his children and forgive them when they hurt us just as Jesus did. Who am I to judge someone not worthy of my forgiveness, when jesus died on the cross to forgive even those that put him there in the first place. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:39:39 PM |
What do you do if he/she cheats?
What do you do if they drink and do drugs to the point it sets you and your family life into a turmoil?
What do you do if they cannot handle money and put you and them in the creditor's hammerlock?
What do you do if they abuse and molest your children?
The list goes on....
If you still love unconditionally after any of the above, I suggest you get help before you gradually turn into a piece of carpet 3' X 2' made for wiping boots on.
You can get as extreme as you would like, but it makes no difference. I love her from afar. But still love her! Even after 3 of the above happened and a few you didn't mention.
It's no different then forgiving someone. Just because I forgive them doesn't mean what they did was ok. It's not telling them they can do it again, or that I have to stay close to the person. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:47:32 PM | | YES!! Love like it is your last day on earth! Throw caution to the wind and make every effort to be a great lover, but for sake of sanity, choose carefully those you choose to love. And ALWAYS take time to feel love. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:08:30 PM | To love is to accept it without fear of rejection. If there are conditions placed on it there will always be that shadow of fear.
However, I have learned to set boundaries. There are people who have had no limitations within their own lives so they test others. Setting boundaries does not have to mean that you do not love them. It merely determines how much you let their life spill over into yours.
Star*tossed, I absolutely love your description of it. Awesome! | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:23:11 PM |
We should try to love everyone unconditionally as God loves all his children and forgive them when they hurt us just as Jesus did. Who am I to judge someone not worthy of my forgiveness, when jesus died on the cross to forgive even those that put him there in the first place.
Who you are: not Jesus. Humans aren't capable of unconditional love for everyone around them. Though I definitely support the sentiment, not forgiving somebody and not loving somebody are quite different. I can forgive someone I strongly dislike and still dislike them. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 2:04:14 AM |
If you cannot be with them because of their behaviours, then that was a condition.
What? The subject is not "whether you will be with them." It is whether you will still love them. My wife has passed from this life, and I am not ready to go this minute. I can't be with her. Did I stop loving her?
If you cannot accept that was a condition, then how about this?
Baggage...big-time. There you are....loving her/him unconditionally....on your own...wandering the earth...cannot love anyone else...having brief encounters with whomever crosses your path to escape the lonliness for even a few hours...ahhhh...the drama....
And? I am not lonely. I have no drama. I still love her. I still wander. So what?
We love people with baggage. But this sounds more heart-wrenching, eh?
Actually, I'd love to love a person with my whole heart and soul, but if he even does any of my list above, then it's over. That is a condition.
My love will die.
I have been there and I know myself.
.
Move on. Your love doesn't die. You learn to love others, unless you have deep psychological problems. I hope you don't. I love more than one. I am comfortable with it, and I don't feel cheated by not having the one. I feel sad for those who have lost their "one and only." I feel sad because they are cheating themselves. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:55:35 AM | I think it depends on what kind of love we are talking about. As a few posters have mentioned, there is the unconditional love of a parent for their child.... but then if you take the definition of other posters, is that truly "unconditional?"
There is the viewpoint that while you may love someone, it is not unconditional.... if they cheat on you, or treat you like a doormat, you will walk... hence there is a condition. If you child tried to beat the crap out of you (and it happens) would you not kick them out?.... or get them into a program where they could get the help they need? How is that any different than leaving the partner who beats you? You still love your child, even if they need help with their anger don't you?.... Can you find it in yourself to love the partner who beats you?.... can you recognize that their beating you is a learned behaviour, and while you may love the person, you do not need to accept the behaviour, and love it (the behaviour) too?
I think there is a big difference between loving the person and loving the behaviour. For me personally, I believe I have it in me to love unconditionally.... while I may have problems with some of their behaviours, they would never get to the point of my loving them if their beheaviour was so unacceptable (and that includes being treated like a doormat) that I had to remove them from my life.
I don't have it in me to love everyone unconditionally.... but those who get into my world deep enough to get to that level of my love.... they would not be the cheating, beating type of person. They would have to have that level of self-love for themself too.... and any self-respecting person doesn't do that to themself, let alone someone they wish to build a future with.
We can only love another so much as we love ourselves.... and for any relationship to last, both people must be at similar levels of self-respect and self-love. I know I could not treat a potential partner like a doormat, so why would I accept it from another? Those red-flag behaviours are my filters.... as I think they are for most of us.... filtering out the cheaters and beaters of society..... long before I even get to the point of loving someone..... then they have the possibility of getting to that level of my love that is "unconditional."
JMHO | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 6:05:50 AM | | Good luck with that, not only do I believe that this is impossible unless you are Mother Theresa or Christ, I don't think it is healthy because if you love someone unconditionally you can potentially be treated like a doormat or worse but because you love the person, it is okay, pfft. | |
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| Wise words...
Posted: 6/3/2009 6:25:40 AM | Only for my kids.
Anyone else, conditions apply. | |
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| Wise words...
Posted: 6/3/2009 6:33:43 AM | "Only for my kids.
Anyone else, conditions apply."
A'men to that one. And tons of conditions apply. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 6:47:41 AM |
As a parent? Can you EVER do that? I don't know. It's my opinion that no you can't. A child, your child, someone out of your body who was formed from your body - can you cut them off and out of your life?
There is a difference between loving someone and enabling. Between loving someone and keeping that someone from being accountable for his choices. My stepson is one of those people. I still love him, I will help his children if I can, I drove two hours four times to be supportive of him in court, but he isn't getting anymore money and I won't bail him out of anything anymore because it is more harmful to love him in that way than to love him the way I do.
Some people would say that is not unconditional love but it is because unconditional love does not require you sticking around or engaging in behaviors that are harmful to you or ultimately the person you claim to love.
With an SO loving someone and staying in a situation that is bad for you are two different things but most people's definition of unconditional love includes not calling somone on his/her bullshit and that's not unconditional love, that is stupidity. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 8:01:10 AM | Ideal love is perfect for an ideal relationship with an ideal partner. There would be no conditions imposed. Love would beam unstoppable like sunshine on a cloudless day, out in the open, away from trees, with no umbrellas or wide brimmed hats to block its warm illumination.
Here on Earth, where there are real people having imperfect relationships, loving one another is an emotional behavior that depends on the triplet; stimulus, perception and response. I can love anyone unconditionally from a safe enough distance, if I am in a good enough mood already, and don't have to react to anything they do. Being up close and personal on a typical day, it would take at least an absence of immediate annoyances for my heart to ring that purely.
I am fine with being loved conditionally as long as those conditions are reliable and I can meet them. Then, it's reassuring to know that as long as the conditions are met, love will be the result. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 8:17:38 AM | I believe that true love is something that happens and it is unconditional in the fact that it is part of you .
I believe that as you grow and spend time with this person you achieve a state of emotional connectiveness that is spiritual in nature. With this comes forgiveness, tolerance and acceptance, however that does not mean that one forgoes taking care of their own emotional needs in lieu of having this person around.
Self sacrifice and martydom are best left to fields of battle that involve humanity.
I can love someone and not like what they do and choose not to live in that atmosphere it is called being a fully functioning healthy adult.
What about all the people who are with people who abuse them or their children and cry well I loved them seriously love does not conquer all. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 8:20:58 AM |
Who you are: not Jesus. Humans aren't capable of unconditional love for everyone around them. Though I definitely support the sentiment, not forgiving somebody and not loving somebody are quite different. I can forgive someone I strongly dislike and still dislike them.
I think the key word here is TRY.
you're saying because we're not god we can't love someone unconditionally therefore we shouldn't even try?
that's the same thing as saying we're human and we're f*ckups so why even try to build a relationship with God or try to better yourselves in any way cuz we'll never be perfect or live up to His standards.
forgiveness and the degrees of love are directly proportionate because the more you forgive the person the easier it is to love them and accept them for who they are the flaws and all. I suck at forgiving! It also helps you open yourself up to relationships in the future. If you haven't forgiven someone from your past, it tends to effect other relationships which could end up in a snowball effect. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 8:30:54 AM | ^^^
thanks Peachez.
I wanted to say the same thing, but I like to leave religion out of the equation. I have an agreement with the Big Guy not to publish what I know about him. I try to relate it human terms, and imagine that evolution is true, and that I am just a special kind of chimp with a typewriter. It keeps me humble.
TRY is the word. CAN is another. WILL is the way.
I don't like to repeat, but for this thread, it seems that many people missed the message.
Love isn't the words you say, it is something you do. When you attempt to influence the behavior of someone, be it through correction, forgiveness, or generosity; that is Love at work. If I love you, but can't stand your behavior, my correction will likely come in finding the nearest exit. It is my generous gift to those who can't see. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 8:36:08 AM | | posting about my religious beliefs is the same thing as any other opinion people have on this forum, I don't think I should hold back because someone disagrees with my opinion that there is a God, there is always going to be SOMEBODY who disagrees with ANY opinion you may have regardless of the basis. If someone wants to talk about evolution and how your primal instinct isn't to love but to tear the betrayer into little pieces with their canines... so be it, and I'd probably laugh :) | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 11:58:13 AM | Alot of good conversation here...
I think alot of people have the idea of unconditional love and acceptance intertwined.
with the ups and downs I've experienced, I lean towards acceptance, it's a hard thing to hear when that special someone in your life looks up at you and says "I don't love you anymore"
It's happened to me more than twice... yet we all generally see the traits of loyality and support in our long term relationships... "In Sickness and in Health, For Better or For Worse"
We want someone who will love us when things aren't so shiney... We all grow old and only the most short-sited of people would not want to at least HOPE that their love will survive past their looks etc.
Yet all to often when we look at prospective partners we don't see this... There's got to be something beyound physical attraction... something that keeps the fire going once the first sparks fade.
Do I love "unconditionally" - yes and no.
When I love someone, I love them with my whole heart... I give my affections freely and with little reservation... but if I don't feel loved in returned... after a while the efforts die off. It's human nature.
only now am I looking back and wondering "why didn't I feel loved" "what makes me feel loved" and only now am I really taking the time to find out what makes me happiest... what I want in life... including companionship.
I love someone and I will support them ... as long as love lasts... thus was the old vow in handfasting... Everyone changes... what we wanted or needed 10 years ago might not interest us now. sometimes change brings us closer, sometimes it drives us appart.
but for the people I've loved... I will always love them... maybe not love who they became... I will not disown my feelings for someone just because something changed...
You can love with or with conditions, but eventually if you don't feel like you are equally loved... if you don't feel your time, effort and energy is worth it ... then eventually you withdraw and don't put the effort into that love That doesn't mean you don't love them... it just means you can not or do not express it like you once did.
you cannot make someone "happy" either they are or they aren't
you cannot make someone love you, either they do or they don't
you can only accept what happens and make the most of it. | |
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| Should we try to love someone unconditionally?
Posted: 6/3/2009 1:22:17 PM | Relationships have conditions. Living in society has conditions.
Conditions are the structure we organize our lives around.
Love does not require conditions so I believe unconditional love is very possible; quite possibly this is the natural way we love.
Mostly I think it is more about getting out of your own way to love naturally. | |
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