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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/3/2009 7:00:21 PM |
Hi fishies! I did browse through related topics but couldn't really find anything that fits my question.
About three months ago I started chatting with a guy here on POF, it was run of the mill stuff, not sexual at all. I think we were really starting to dig each other, then he let it slip that he lives at home still. I didn't know how to respond to that, so distanced myself for a week or so. My initial thought was "omg, what a loser". He emailed me and asked what was up, and I consider myself honest so I said that I couldn't date someone who lives at home, and that most other women would feel the same.
His situation is purely his decision, he's not at home because of health problems, finances, or taking care of elderly parents or anything. I asked if he had ever left the nest, and he did for about six months, in 2000, where he shacked up with his cousin. The cousin got married so he left, and instead of starting on his own, he just said it was easier to go home, and had always thought to himself that he'd wait til he was in a LTR or was engaged to move away. So he was 23 when he moved away to be with his cousin for that very short period, and he is almost 33 now and has been at home for that last ten years.
Since meeting me he says he is waiting for the fall and then will buy a place of his own. Let me clarify though that I'm totally self sufficient, have a great job, my own place, just bought a brand new car, so I'm not looking for him to support me in any way, or buy a house for me to live with him in. I realize I've got no right to give him my opinions on this, as we are only friends and are not dating. My problem is, I really like this guy, but from what I know of him, he's incredibly passive and I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend.
I've never pushed the ''moving out'' issue, but he's got no drive for anything, a better job, place to live, etc. If it wasn't for the fact of the living situation, I think he would be good BF material, yet he readily admits he is irresponsible and scared of "real life". I'd love to take things a bit further, he knows I'm looking for love, a husband, and family one day, and I know he could offer me these things if he'd get up and start living in the real world. I don't know what to do about all this, he's great but I just can't get past it. I don't want to develop feelings if I know that he most likely won't change his circumstances without a giant "nudge", and I know that I can't change anyone, so I'm mega confused! Help!! Discuss...
Chica ya love who you love.
nothing is ever gonna change that.
It is kinda funny though, I know men who hit hard times, and had no way of supporting themselves, who get no play....
....yet, here is someone who is admittedly lazy, yet he somehow snagged a great girl. (Love is an abnormality.)
Does he at least save money?
Ask yourself this:
Would you let him live with you in the same fashion? No drive, no motivation, and dependent on you? If not, then what happens if GOD FORBID his folks die?
Are you gonna let him go to a homeless shelter? Probably not. so maybe you should let him stay with you and split the rent<---don't do it.
I work at a university. Whenever there is a wife attempting to go back to school, I always need to speak to the husband. You would be surprised at how many times I get phone calls from crying wives because their husband doesn't want them going back.
The excuses are always pathetic as well. But the husband never considers what would happen to her if he dies...he makes her codependent.
Alot of times, parents don't want their children to leave the nest.
It's familiar ya know?
If you are in school, working on getting out etc etc. Then cool, do your thang, but I got no love for grown a$$ men who still live at home.
"I'll just say it...I need you defenseless, dependent, and alone. She says live up to your first impression; my best side was your worst invention."
~Taking Back Sunday - One-Eighty By Summer | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/3/2009 7:24:13 PM | He would be just right if he would only...(add what ever here)......
This is what you get for having such preconceived notions about people and the way the chose to live.
His past and his living arrangements in fact have made him the guy you seem to like so much, and that is the "big" issue you have with him.
Take him the way he is or leave him the way he is! At this point you are hoping he makes the right decisions, and those "right" decisions are for you not for himself!
this is the truth | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/3/2009 7:55:29 PM | Let me give you something to think about. There are lots of men out there who have been dealt a bad hand. They have had it so bad that there only choice was to go back home. If you came across something like that. The guy had a decent job but something held him back from moving out. For example' Let's say he went through a bad divorce. Before he divorced he was hurt on the job and couldn't work for a while. Well he had to move home. He recovered but not good enough to work the kind of job he would need to support himself and pay what he had to pay. So he decided to stay with his parents so he would be able to meet his bills' pay his child support' etc' etc on a job he was capable of doing. That would be different. At least you know he wants to do the best he can and that he is at least trying.
But from the way you describe this guy' Maybe in a sense he is a good guy. But in your description of him he sounds like a irresponsible leach that will suck you dry for everything he can. You do as you see fit' It's your life. But going by your description' He isn't a guy who was maybe dealt a bad hand and had to do the best he could with what he had. He is a guy who is looking for someone else to keep him up. That's just the way it sounds. You will be out working while he is sitting at home playing video games and waiting for you to get home and cook for him.
But' Now lets flip flop this the another way. Times are changing. There are more and more men who are stay at home fathers while the wife goes out and makes the money and brings home the bacon. It's your decision. How do you feel about that possibility happening? Some women don't care if there spouse stays at home. They love it that way. Others lose respect for there husbands and wind up leaving. The question is' How do you feel about that? Could you respect a man that was a stay at home husband? Something to think about don't you think?
Me personally' I see some red flags. But at the same time i think i would give him a chance to really show you who he is. If you start sleeping with him' Please' Don't let him get you pregnant. Not until you know for sure he will step up and be a man. Whether it's staying home' taking care of home and raising the kids while you work. Or going to work himself. Don't get pregnant till you know. | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/4/2009 6:22:24 PM | I only got past the first paragraph, too much to read .... but I read enough and all I got to say is.....WHY would he be a loser??? That is so flipping SHALLOW that it's sickening......no different then the other demoralizing, judgmentalists out there who think their own 'shitt' don't stink......
I am a woman and I DO NOT feel the same as you. I do not look at ANYONE as beneath me for their OWN choices in life. That is just pathetic.........Materialism does NOT make a person's wealth, what does is COMPASSION and HUMANITY....
My opinion brought a thought to my head that I will share..........a little off topic but NOT far of course in the differences of humanity.....when I walk by the less fortunate I am the type who gives money ALWAYS and I try to do it before they ask for it and when I give them the money I don't give it to them for free the only thing I ask for in return is a quick converse. Unlike yourself I do not feel that I am better then ANYONE because I make a good imcome, and have luxuries they only dream of having, I do not judge them by the dirt on their fingers or the holes in their clothes.... the empathy and compassion that is bled into my veins is what drives my force.
My advice to you in your situation is to NEVER judge anyone about their living situations or look at them as losers because they opt to live with parents for the time being while getting a grip on life....spend some time talking to the very less fortunate and MAYBE just MAYBE that will pevent you from doing a self inventory of yourself as a way to compare 'class' because that isn't the way to do it!!!!
He just may be the most amazing caring loving guy and you want to give it up just because of where he is living???? I honestly DON"T get it!!!! | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/4/2009 8:11:57 PM | smiles,
i met this guy several years ago and didn't realize he had a profile right here on POF before i even knew what POF was. by the way, he's still on here.
but, he lives in a building that his parents own and he's needy, lives off of disability and his disability is that he has bad nerves and can't work with people on a regular time table........essentially he a fu*cken retard......which i realized down the road a bit while dating him.
turns out i would travel to see him on weekends and the last time he came over to my house he ended crying like a baby to go home. so, i had to call his best buddy to drive up like around 2-3a.m. to come pick up the baby and he told me he hated me and he was never going to leave his town again. he had this thing where he couldn't live more than 20 miles away from his mom and dad and siblings as well because he didn't feel good being away from them. real f*cken retard, huh??? LOL really though, it's a true story. so anyway, after the retard was out of my life, i came to my senses and said, what was it about this retard that you stayed around so long? duhhhh, i dunno is all i could come up with.
really, i think i just have a big heart for retards.......
nonetheless, don't let any retards suck the life out of you or use up any portion of your life that you could put to better use. that's the moral of the story. put your freaken jogging shoes on and run like a ****...... really, you don't need this guy, he's nothing but shit. 
EDIT: anyway, just thought i'd add that i don't do stupid shit like this anymore. LOL i have better things to do like take care and love me.......
boy, sometimes we're slow at learning stuff but at least i learned. LOL
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/4/2009 8:46:21 PM | | if he is 32 and still lives at home then he has serious issues ive been on my own for about 11 years now got my own car got a house and work at walmart face it he needs to stop feeding on momma and get out of there already so if i were you i wouldnt wait leave it be he wont change even if you nudge hime and move him a little | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/4/2009 9:15:10 PM | f he is 32 and still lives at home then he has serious issues ive been on my own for about 11 years now got my own car got a house and work at walmart face it he needs to stop feeding on momma and get out of there already so if i were you i wouldnt wait leave it be he wont change even if you nudge hime and move him a little
Real talk? I was about to say something that would have probably been miscontrued as arrogant, elitist, and a plethora of other terms thrown at OBAMA, coupled with my snarky wit, and "sooooo smart" jargon.
Then you said you worked at walmart
I feel you man. Aint no excuse for grown assed, non handicapped, none going to school men to not be out on their own. There is no freaking excuse.
IfTxwheels was not in his situation, if he could trade places with this guy, wanna bet he wouldn't rifde that freedom bike toll the fukcing wheels fell off???(No offense ont he wheels thing Tex old boy.)
We take too much crap for granted, and we blame far too many people for things we have COMPLETE control over in our lives. I am trying to figure out if he is lazy or depressed.
If you are on your own making ends meet at wally world, then aint nobody got an excuse.
I watched a ONE LEGGED man win at the olympics and get disqualified, because they said he had an "Unfair advantage." (Prosthetic limb.)
Katt Williams: "You mean the nukkah with one leg?!?!?"
Man, if you are a living breathing thinking MAN with no children, you have no freaking excuse to be in your 30's and at home.
ZOMG if I could stay at home I so would....for one year.
And SAVE MONEY.
TO GET THE HELL OUT.
If this is your situation..then it doesn't apply to you..
So stop being so defensive mamma's child.
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/4/2009 9:42:29 PM | | haha amen but i dont think id ever be able to go back home well because there is no home to go to besides being on your own rocks | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/4/2009 9:54:33 PM | | Why would you really want to be involved with someone who doesn't have any motivation to live life??? You sound like you have it going on....find your match, this is not it! He would bore you...don't you think???It's not like he's home to care for his elderly parents - that might be appealing about his compassion and love for family, but that's not his case......so why waste your time - unless it's just some companionship you are seeking for short term????? | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/4/2009 10:09:56 PM | | Ok so I don't get it..he lives at home so what?..what is wrong with that?..just because YOU (OP) doesn't live at home it means you are better than him...if I could live at home until I am in a LTR then I would do the same..I don't know why some people always associate having their own place" with being responsible or whatever...nothing is wrong with living at home...another typical example of what i mean when I say women make trivial things ruin a good thing...man I wish that I could meet a girl where there is mutual chemistry and wants to be with me and vice versa and she lives at home..regardless of what age she or I am... | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/4/2009 11:01:28 PM |
I only got past the first paragraph, too much to read .... but I read enough and all I got to say is.....WHY would he be a loser??? That is so flipping SHALLOW that it's sickening......no different then the other demoralizing, judgmentalists out there who think their own 'shitt' don't stink......
I agree. Some of the women here do not realize that the little precious metal miner is showing up between the lines. Love is irrelevant, what he can provide (or the perception thereof) is of uttmost importance. | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/4/2009 11:06:57 PM | | I have known a couple of grown men who live at home with their parents and the things they had in common were 1. cheap--they were very cheap and overly concerned about saving every penny, and 2. emotional health issues--they were both subject to bouts of depression and extremely immature emotionally. They had the emotional age of eight year olds. They literally had not grown up. They were both intelligent, attractive and charming. But they were little kids inside, unable to face the real world and have adult relationships with women. They needed and wanted to be taken care of. | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/5/2009 12:09:52 AM |
cheap--they were very cheap and overly concerned about saving every penny,
emotional health issues--they were both subject to bouts of depression and extremely immature emotionally. They had the emotional age of eight year old. They literally had not grown up.
I know a guy' As a matter of fact he lives 2 houses down from me. After his divorce his wife took him for everything he had. He right now lives with his mother and dad. It took him several years to recover all of his loss. Not to mention all the child support he has to pay. But now' He owns a new truck' Has nice cloths' he takes care of everything around his parents home. pays half of the bills there. He keeps the grass cut' takes care of his mothers flowers. He keeps the place looking nice. He comes and goes as he pleases. The women he dates get shown a good time when there out with him. I know this because I've double dated with him and his date. Kinda blows the above theory out of the water.
Right now' If this guy ever met a woman that he really had feelings for and wanted to set up house with her he would have means of doing it. I live alone' It's hard to make ends meet sometimes and keep my bills paid. Some may think I'm crazy' But i am envious of him. So far over the past ten years that i have been divorced i have met several men that after there divorces had to move home. None of them have any kind of emotional problems. Two of them that i know about has remarried now. They did the smart thing. They went home and took enough time to pull themselves back up again. Now there ready to try again. I'm ready for a relationship now. But it sure was hard getting here. I use to have it in my mind that you were not a man if you couldn't live alone. I've since changed my mind.
I have never judged another person in that situation since. Sometimes i wish i had done the same. | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/5/2009 12:13:26 AM | By the way' Statements like this'
"cheap--they were very cheap and overly concerned about saving every penny,"
Are the reasons why so many men think that all women want is there money. | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/5/2009 3:22:50 AM | serious you cant dis sumone like that for living at home at 32....number one my ex lives bac at home and he is 40....yeah fair enuff he never had the money to live on his own, it is too expensive in our city to live alone, anyway sum pple stay at home so wen they are redy to move out thay will know...I only dis guys who live at home and are mummies boys...and thank god for those who hav a family home to live in....I didnt grow with that opportunity....I didnt hav the luck of family woodnt you rather meeting sumone who is lucky enuff to hav a supportive family than sumone living on the streets and maybe he is shy with girls who knows but serious for you to bag out sumone coz they live at home....wot does that make of you....? | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/5/2009 3:27:51 AM | it makes this person dissing an insensitive cruel brat...thank god the poor guy didnt go for you.....his good luck hey.... | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/5/2009 5:33:07 AM | *Smirk*
You know what I love about this place.
When ever someone refrains from babying a person, and telling them things like this:
"Oh it's okay that you have no drive or motivation for life, yet still expect that someone else should treat you the same as if you were a functional member of society."
It is misconstrued as a "diss". I call telling them the opposite the truth. Add a simple "not" in the aforementioned sentence, changes it dramatically. Words have power. Mine aespecially, and have been known to incite "I hate APE riots."
By this logic: (The babying logic.)
When so ever a hardworking single mother gets fed up with her lazy son, staying at home and refusing to leave the nest thus allowing her to finally be a single WOMAN again on her own....(God for bid her wanting to bring home a sexy debonair older gentleman who happens to have a full bottle of viagra, and FUKC his brains out, WHILE HER 34 YEAR OLD SON IS STILL IN THE ROOM HE GREW UP IN.)
...she is dissing him.
So every parent that has kicked their lazy uninspired child out is dissing them?
Shit! Next excuse:
Wahhhhh! It's the parents fault he is that way.
Gotta love that blame game. It's everyone elses fault but the lazy god damn man.
It's our fault for being insensitive and telling him he needs to leave.
It's the parent's fault for raising him wrong.
At what point does personal responsibility come in to play???
If I ever had to have my girl support me, while I laid around doing nothing at all, I would just as well lay down and die.
There is a difference between a man who is trying to get above water and back to dry land, and a man who is lazy because his mom keeps bringing him scuba gear, an oxygen tank, and pop tarts every morning.
Mmmnnn pop tarts.
WATCH THE FILM STEPBROTHERS
I think this will clear alot of things up. Hilariously too!
I only got past the first paragraph, too much to read .... but I read enough and all I got to say is.....WHY would he be a loser???
Wow. Just wow.
Ameerra once said, that
"Responding, especially long winded responses, on a paragraph you didn't even read, is the equivalency of walking into a conversation and chiming in without knowing what the topic was, or what anyone was talking about. "
Sheesh.
"WHY would he be a loser???"
Had you read, maybe you would know, perhaps at the end of the paragraph she may have said he beats her and doesn't have a job, but you didn't read that far.
People always demand that their voices are heard, very rarely do they have anything pertinent or congruent to say.
Congruency. *Looks at DG
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/5/2009 5:42:09 AM | apainlessend....................... you sound more like a republican everyday ! (Thats meant as a compliment) ...... be careful, it's not the popular path.............. wait until they figure out , when every body is sucking off the teat, pretty soon theres no one to feed them.................... ricky  | |
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| OFF TOPIC
Posted: 6/5/2009 5:54:22 AM | apainlessend....................... you sound more like a republican everyday ! (Thats meant as a compliment) ...... be careful, it's not the popular path.............. wait until they figure out , when every body is sucking off the teat, pretty soon theres no one to feed them.................... ricky
That would be because I am Ricky.
That is right Ricky, The elusive African American Republican (Double A R, or A.A.R if you please.)...
Unfortunately I see my shadow every 4 years and get frightened so I always vote democratic.....and that means 4 more years of winter.....
(That and the only decent republican candidate on earth is Dr. Ron Paul the best Congressman on EARTH! And the best political figure Texas ever created.If more people actually paid attention to our political structure as opposed to arguing over the idiosyncrasies of our social system ......
("Ohhhh you aren't gonna vote for Obama cause he is black are you?!?!"<---things that dont matter.)
....they would know what H.R. 2755 and various other acts that get no love are.
H.R. 2755 = The federal reserve abolition act....
No more income taxes people.
It was never ratified by all of the states in the first damn place. Which is highly unconstitutional. Which is why Florida is devoid of all those petty taxes.
And I am pretty sure Andrew Jackson got rid of the first one, back in the 1800s, as it was the reason we fought for sovereignty from the king in the first damn place.
We are back in his pocket again. Only this time the king has been replaced with parliament
So Ricky. You finally know where I stand.
when I walk by the less fortunate I am the type who gives money ALWAYS and I try to do it before they ask for it and when I give them the money I don't give it to them for free the only thing I ask for in return is a quick converse. Unlike yourself I do not feel that I am better then ANYONE because I make a good imcome
Yes you do think you are better.
You insinuated that you are better than her the moment you said UNLIKE YOU
You also insinuated that you were better the moment you offered a person money before they asked, and before you knew their situation.
I dress bummy sometimes, and if I was standing at a street corner, and you gave me money I would be offended. You are forcing your view of who they are, and pitying them based on an uninformed assumption.
Then again, you don't even read before you respond so such a thing is to be expected.
OP
The fact that you are dating him at all is you proof that you are not better than him.
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| OFF TOPIC
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:43:28 AM | Just a second here..........
there's a major big difference between the guy we're talking about in this forum where he only left his parents house for a relatively short time and then he's back home again.
the difference being is that there are both young adults and a bit older adults that are going through divorce and move back in the parents home because of the many issues they are encountering while going through the divorce. for some it's a matter of the cost(s) you face while going through an active divorce, child support, possible alimony, loss of home, vehicle, the splitting of the marital finances has to be figured out like who's going to pay what and such.
i don't see anything wrong with a man or woman taking up residence with the parent(s) while a divorce is going on. it's not always comfortable to go back home, and yeah, it helps if you can do stuff around the house for your parents to make it easier for them while they have you back under their roof.
but again, the guy we're talking about in this thread is almost 33 yrs. old and really hasn't left the nest yet.........no wife, no kids, no divorce........no freakin life traumas here at all except he loves being with mama, probably loves mama's cooking, cleaning, pampering, babying and all that other good crap that comes along with living with mama. you know she probably cleans up his messes and still wipes his ass and wipes his mouth with the dinner napkin........please, he's a mama's boy....all he needs is the diaper........
major difference between mama's boy and the adult child that needs to come home for a bit.
also, with where our country is at today with the economy, obama, job loss, unemployment then you have others here that moved back in with the parent(s) and that's nothing to be ashamed of either. sometimes it's about time when you see family come back together in hard times and stick together to make ends meet.
i don't know...........i think i've made some valid points here on reasons why people go home if only for awhile versus the ones that go home because they're too afraid to be out there on their own or they go home just to suck off the parent(s). | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:19:25 AM | | Apainlesssend I completely agree with you. There is absolutely no excuse for a grown man that is in good health with parents who are capable of taking care of themselves to live at home with mommy and daddy mooching off of them. I lived alone for two years going to school and then getting a job working at a hospital for a year. I moved to Texas to live near my aging mother and then my health started to go down hill. I would give anything to be able to live on my own again. I loved the independence and freedom. At my mother's home I have no freedom. She continues to treat me like I am two years old. I would also give anything to just get a job at Wal-Mart. I have applied to Wal-Mart since I was 19 but they refuse to hire me because I have wheels on my butt. I'm hoping once I finish school and get a stable job I can move out on my own again. The one thing I wish women would see that there are situations where people have absolutely no choice but to live at home with their parents. There are a lot of women (including some on here) who do not accept these situations. They flat out say that there is no excuse for a grown man to live at home. Women need to be a little more flexible and less judgemental. | |
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| He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:04:47 AM | The 32 year old man I know who lives with his mother has never left the home in his entire life. His mother does all the cleaning. All the cooking. All of his laundry. Buys all of his clothes including his underwear. All of the shopping.
He won't spend any of his own money to buy anything like soap, toothpaste, shampoo, etc. Mom buys it all and puts it in the bathroom for him.
How am I "dissing" him? And how am I a "golddigger"? The man is cheap.
He is a mooch off his mom. He is a little boy inside. He admits it.
What an idiotic thing, to call me a golddigger because I said he is cheap.
I don't date him and have never gotten one cent from him or anything including a birthday card. Birthday cards cost money. But I am a golddigger according to someone here cause I said he is cheap. And no birthday card for me in spite of the fact that I always give him one along with a present. But I must be a golddigger.
I only told about someone I know. He is in no way the same as a man going through an expensive divorce who is back home after being married. | |
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