| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/3/2009 7:46:58 PM | | It's too bad you don't have a more flexible schedule with your daughter. Some weekends to yourself would be beneficial, not just for dating but also to go do stuff with your friends. It's not all about devoting time to the kid. You have to take care of yourself as well, otherwise dad goes insane and that isn't good for either of you. Granted, your current schedule isn't horrible or anything. Just see if you can work out something more flexible. I'm guessing this may be a court determined deal? | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/3/2009 8:02:16 PM | Well, OP, it's easy to say that people should understand, and while, yes they should, you can not expect everyone (especially those who have never experienced it) to understand your situation perfectly and not get frustrated by it. I commend you for being such a caring and proactive father, but how about cutting the women you complain about a little slack? See it from their side, if they don't have children and have never been in your shoes, how can you expect them to be 100% understanding of what you're going through?
I work over 60 hours a week and have very little time to date. I very rarely, if ever, go out during the week b/c I work from 8am to 9pm most weekdays, and hardly ever go out on Fridays b/c I have to work on Saturdays as well. That means my social schedule is limited to Saturday nights and Sundays, so for me, if I met a man who had his children every single weekend, that'd mean we never see each other, which would make developing a relationship quite difficult.
It's not easy for everyone to understand your situation (though they should be able to empathize with it), but don't exepct them to immediately be able to adapt around it. You say you're not willing to get a sitter so you can go out, which is understandable, but you've gotta give a little somewhere if you really, truly want to find someone to spend your life with. Your daughter is obviously your number one priority, but you do have to make time for yourself and your own happiness, and I know a 5 year old little girl can not bring you all the happiness you need and deserve, so maybe just ease-up on the whole thinking of she's everything, all the time, and you won't make time for anyone else no matter what? You need to take care of your needs, too ... and that's kinda hard to do when you make zero time for it. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 5:16:41 AM | Tina..
Very well written post. The points you make are valid and if his child was older I'd be inclined to agree with you. My child is 10 now. Up until this year I never left my child with anyone other than grandma. I have him 24/7 and refused to let anyone watch him. I just took him everywhere with me. Which meant not a lot of real dating for me. And I don't regret it. I met alot of great guys in that time who totally understood that and worked with me. They would meet me places while my son was at school, or at the playground while he was occupied or would come over after 7 (bedtime for my son) and we'd have dinner and watch a movie. Whatever we could to spend time with each other. My son wouldn't have been able to handle me sticking him with a babysitter all the time so I could date properly. He had a lot of issues to work through. He's now 10 and I have 2 families that are not relatives that I will leave him with. He's also more mature in his mind and has dealt with his issues to a degree, at least to where he is OK with me going out. Giving him a cell phone and permission to call me or grandma anytime helped too. A parents needs are entirely different from those without kids, most of our needs are wrapped up in our kids, we can't be happy without seeing their smiling faces as often as possible. Our dates need to understand this, if they don't, that's OK, but don't expect a return call. You can't expect us to change our schedule to make dating you (general you) easier, just as we can't expect the same from you. Honestly, it would make more sense to say, "well I want to date you, but I have my child on the weekends, can you change your work schedule?" You changing your work schedule is easier and only affects you rather than affecting a child who is already dealing with a broken home and getting used to a new routine. Why do the parents always have to bend?
Basically if you can't make time to see each other, then you aren't meant to be. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 7:14:52 AM | | While I understand your position and frustration I think you should give women a break and understand that if a woman is dating just one man and he is unavailable every weekend she is not being unreasonable to want to be with someone who is. Granted she can make plans with family or friends so she isn't just sitting there, bored and alone, but she shouldn't have to do that every weekend. I agree that if you got someone to watch your daughter every time she is with you that would be wrong or at least induce feelings of guilt. However, getting a babysitter, swapping child care with a neighbor, or your little girl spending time with extended family members for a few hours at least one weekend out of the month isn't child abandonment/abuse/neglect. So I think you are the one who is being inflexible and narrow-minded about it. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 7:19:49 AM |
You changing your work schedule is easier and only affects you rather than affecting a child who is already dealing with a broken home and getting used to a new routine.
Exactly!! I guess if you dont have kids you dont get it. But going from seeing my lil girl everyday, to seeing her 2 nights and 2 days a week is very rough. On the both of us. I am not gonna give up any of those precious moments with her. Even if you don't have kids , how could you not be empathetic and understanding, instead of acting like a child , and saying "what about me". If they did care they would care about the well being of my lil girl, and understand. I am sticking with selfish still but we all have our views on things.
Oh by the way Innocent that Buzz ride does rock. The day that pic was taken , it kept stopping and we kept racking up points we were both high scorers for the day!!  | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 7:25:01 AM |
I am sticking with selfish still but we all have our views on things.
Again, I see a lot of irony here. You expect the women to see where you are coming from and understand, but you are refusing to see where she is coming from. It's not about "what about me" its about "what about us".
But going from seeing my lil girl everyday, to seeing her 2 nights and 2 days a week is very rough
This comment suggests to me that this is a relatively new thing for you. maybe you need more time to adjust to the single parent thing before you date anyone. Remember, you can't be someone's boyfriend for only 3 or 4 days a week. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 7:38:41 AM | I agree with you 100% Tracy ... the OP is obviously wanting everyone to see his side of it and empathize with him yet has decided that no one else's point of view or opinion is valid enough to even attempt to empathize with them.
And OP, changing my hours isn't as easy as one would think, it's probably just about as difficult as you changing your custodial schedule, and I would assume I'm not alone in that. Calling people selfish b/c they want to satisfy their own needs before someone else's is, well, in itself quite selfish. You want others to understand YOU and YOUR situation, make changes for YOU and YOUR schedule, but won't budge on your side ... I agree maybe you need to take a little break from dating until you truly can devote time to someone else. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 9:26:03 AM |
This comment suggests to me that this is a relatively new thing for you. maybe you need more time to adjust to the single parent thing before you date anyone. Remember, you can't be someone's boyfriend for only 3 or 4 days a week.
It has been over 2 years since i was in a committed relationship. And not because I didnt have time to get involved with anybody, I chose not too, and not because of my daughter.
This comment suggests to me that this is a relatively new thing for you. maybe you need more time to adjust to the single parent thing before you date anyone. Remember, you can't be someone's boyfriend for only 3 or 4 days a week.
When did i say bf/gf?? I said dating. I cannot chose my social life over my daughter. Like the earlier post said its traumatic enuff for a child to go thru a split. I do like to meet people go out, but the weekends are our time, just like mon-fri 6-4 is my work time. But if it makes me selfish , unsympathetic to want to be with my daughter as much as I can so be it. I AM THE MOST SELFISH **stard IN THE WORLD THEN
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 9:33:51 AM |
It has been over 2 years since i was in a committed relationship. And not because I didnt have time to get involved with anybody, I chose not too, and not because of my daughter.
2 years since your last relationship, or 2 years since your divorce?
But if it makes me selfish , unsympathetic to want to be with my daughter as much as I can so be it. I AM THE MOST SELFISH **stard IN THE WORLD THEN
No, but it makes you sound bitter and angry, and I wonder if your hiding behind your daughter to avoid a relationship...
My only suggestion to you would be to stop dating for now if you can't give a woman the time to spend with her and get to know her. Dating, my friend, leads to relationships - and you don't have the time or energy right now for a relationship. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 9:37:46 AM | justin--read your profile--little defensive about this whole issue. you are among many men and women in the same boat, and this can be worked out.
I've been a single mom to 3 for years, and am totally devoted to them. however one of the best lessons I've learned is that balance is key. I would suggest that if you are actually looking for a new relationship you need to be able to act like you have an interest in a relationship. the message you give in your profile and in this thread is that you are solely focused on your daughter and that a woman would have to revolve around that. now don't get me wrong a child's needs come first always. but balancing your life a bit so that you can move forward in dating doesn't necessarily have to take anything away from your daughter. try to not be so black and white about it. perhaps you could make an occasional change in your weekends (switch w her mom, or have grandma babysit) so you could have some social time. (like once a month, or every two months) your daughter will be fine, and you may find you are happier. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 10:01:15 AM | | Plead insanity Justin(sane). You have your daughter and her sister? It sounds like the sister isn't yours. Single fathers bag chicks, but working single fathers don't. I guess be a dead beat. Quit your job and go on dates yay! | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 11:17:17 AM | aww man! We did the Buzz ride twice!! and didn't get high score either time! lol. I'm gonna have to go back and try again!!! 
Anyway. What I don't understand is here is a guy who is taking care of his child and he's getting crapped on for it. He could be shirking his responsibilities and not taking care of his children, but he's not. Gosh.. woman are never happy. You want him to be a deadbeat? Would you date him then?
I'll freely admit that I have never been able to make it work when I dated a single father. They never had time for me, but the few I've dated, most are married now, so I'm inclined to think that we just weren't into each other enough to make it work. I don't blame them though. I admire them for taking care of their kids and their responsibilities and would NEVER dream of coming between them and their kids. Some of them I met their kids, some of them I didn't.
Bottom line is. If you want to be with someone you will make it work, we all have crazy busy schedules regardless of kids. Heck.. I'm unemployed and have trouble finding weekend time to go out and only some of it has to do with the child! Figure that one out! Still, I can find time to date when it someone I want to see. What is wrong with a weeknight date? What are we all in high school now? Catching an early dinner and coming home a little early might cramp our style? I image after dating a bit, if there was interest in pursuing a relationship he might be able to make a Saturday or Friday night available occasionally. But why from the get go? Some guys work Friday - Sun evenings.. does this make them undatable? Should they get a different job prior to entering the dating world? Same premise, different situation.
Kids expect you to be there every second for them and that's the way it should be. You can't push your child off because date #1 wants to go out only on Saturdays and date #2 only on Fridays. That's ridiculous! You can't call in sick, you can't bring them along dates just have to understand, this is what I have to offer, take it or leave it. He should not have to wait until the child is older, he shouldn't have to explain ad nauseum why his child comes first. It's common sense. To expect a father to put his child off for you, especially in the very beginning, is like asking them to rip out their heart while it's still beating. Not realistic at all! | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 12:01:10 PM | I'm really shocked at the number of replies here that are telling this man that he has to put his life on hold. Yes he's made his choices and he's in the situation that he's in. He's set his priorities (quite admirably IMO) and has to make some sacrifices. But he has the right to find happiness too.
What the OP does have to accept is that not everyone is going to be understanding. But don't worry about those people. If they're so unappreciative of your situation, odds are you would have had other compatibility issues too. Stick to your guns and hopefully you'll find someone who can appreciate a stable man, who's not afraid of responsibility. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 12:05:05 PM |
Justin: "It has been over 2 years since i was in a committed relationship. And not because I didnt have time to get involved with anybody, I chose not too, and not because of my daughter."
Tracy: "2 years since your last relationship, or 2 years since your divorce?"
If it has been 2 years since he was in a committed relationship post-divorce then I doubt the daughter was old enough to be traumatized by the divorce. Being shuttled between the 2 parents probably is all she has ever known.
Not that I'm criticizing you for that, Justin. My girls were in the same boat. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 12:29:32 PM | What I don't understand is here is a guy who is taking care of his child and he's getting crapped on for it
He's not getting "crapped on" because he's taking care of his child, he's getting "crapped on" because he's called women who don't understand his situation selfish when in his last several responses he's proven that he's being just as selfish but doesn't see it that way.
He wants things to go HIS way, for others to bend over backwards to understand him and his situation but isn't willing to bend at all for anyone else. It's his way or the highway, yet he's whining about women being selfish and self-absorbed and not giving him any slack, etc. when it appears it more him that's acting in this way. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 12:36:22 PM | geez.. 2 years.. 2 days.. the child still sees that mom and dad aren't together and their friends parents are. I don't care what the situation is, that is stressful on a child. I know kids who's parents got divorced at all different ages and go back and forth, kids who's parents stayed in an unhappy marriage "for the kids", kids who've never met one of their parents and kids who have a parent who walks in and out at will. No one situation or scenario is better than another when it comes to a break up. All of them come with issues and all children who are going through it are affected. It's naive to think they aren't. If the parents can't make it work together then they have to make the best decision for their family which is one of the above. No one is better then the other and each come with their own set of heart aches for everyone involved. Once the decision is made it is up to each parent to move on and take care of things on their end. Noone should be criticized for this, you didn't walk in their shoes, you didn't live their life, you have no right to tell them how to live.
Everyone should commend this guy for sticking with his responsibilities and raising his child. Of course dating is frustrating because so many women are not flexible and want to be first. Even being tied for first isn't good enough. Those women aren't worth your time OP. Don't bother even looking twice.
PS.. Did you go on Aerosmith?? We must have went on that 6 times! It was the BEST RIDE THERE! Well.. Buzz was pretty close to the best! oh boy.. i really need to go back there! lol
EDIT:: No he's not being selfish at all! He's giving up his weekend to raise his daughter. he is giving up his social life to his be there for his children. That is not selfish! that is the farthest from selfish you could get! Why is it that someone who is raising a child has to bend over and change their schedule to make it more conducive to those who don't have one? What would you do if his profession was a DJ? They work nights and weekends!! Tell him to get another job so he could be more convenient to date?? We all have our scheduling conflicts, we all need to work dating around something. That's what we do, we work dating into our schedule. He also restricted this to dating. I wouldn't put my son with a babysitter at that age either just to go on a date. I would plan my date around when I could either have him at daycare, meaning lunch date, or when my mom or brother could take him. what is so wrong with that?? NOTHING!
I completely understand the frustration he is having. People are not understanding when it's something that doesn't mesh with their schedule.
Well to the OP I say once again.. these women aren't worth your time. There is one out there who will appreciate you for who you are and what you do and won't mind weekday or Sunday night dates. Don't waste another thought on it! | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 12:47:11 PM |
he's getting "crapped on" because he's called women who don't understand his situation selfish
Not only that, but he came here asking for opinions when all he really wanted were affirmations...
I'm sure Justin is an awesome dad, but he's just not boyfriend material...and he's cool with that (it seems) otherwise he'd tweak his rigid schedule a bit to accomodate a girl he cares about.
Although, I think if the OP met a woman who really knocked his socks off he'd be signing a different tune... | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 1:35:57 PM | | I think it's commendable that you take care of your children and have the right frame of mind about doing it. Perhaps you should make it known from the onset that it's a "package deal." However, you should have at least one night a week or ever so often that you and your date can have some "alone time." | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 1:57:09 PM |
he is giving up his social life to his be there for his children. That is not selfish!
You're quite right. It isn't selfish. It's martyrdom.
What would you do if his profession was a DJ? They work nights and weekends!!
I would attend one of his gigs now and then. That isn't an option when one isn't allowed to be around a divorced/single parent's child(ren). And if he worked in some other profession where I couldn't be around, i.e., emergency room personnel, unless I worked similar hours so our schedules were more alike and conducive to dating I probably wouldn't date him at all. Which is what women are electing to do in this guy's case. It doesn't make them selfish. It makes them smart women who don't waste valuable time cuz they know what they want and don't want.
won't mind weekday or Sunday night dates.
Ahem! He already ruled out Sunday too.  | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 2:03:12 PM | He did?? where..
Ever date a DJ? Visiting them at their gig is nothing like a date. NOTHING. They can hardly pay any attention to you, they flirt with everyone and they are there super late.
It's not martyrdom when he has 4 other nights that are free from him to go out.
It's frustrating to date with a schedule like he has. I had one that was very similar in my past. You find people who are willing to work with you. Until then you just have to hang in there, keep doing what you know is right and keep searching.
To each thier own. I'd vent about it too and I have when I am rejected solely because I don't want the guy to meet my son and it restricts our time to date. But then you move on. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 2:04:43 PM | It's NOT selfish that he wants to raise his children and be there for them, and most everyone who's posted has said good for him and that he's a great dad, blah blah, blah, that point has been made over and over again, so try to follow along ... what's selfish is that he expects the women he dates to change everything in their life to accommodate HIM without being open to making any changes himself. THAT is where he's being selfish; not in having his kids often and wanting to spend time with them and raise them right and be there for them, etc.
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 2:14:01 PM | ahhhh.. but isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?? The woman expects the same thing! For him to change his schedule to fit into hers.. and that makes him, not her, selfish??? Well then they are they both selfish? Just because he's not available on traditional dating nights doesn't make him undatable or selfish. He's not asking them to change everything in their life to accommodate him, just asking to go out on other nights besides Fridays and Saturday's!
Let me see if I can get this straight.. or "follow along" as you put it.
He's being selfish because he doesn't want to hire a sitter to watch his daughter so he can go on a date during one of the two nights a week he gets to see her; to accommodate the woman. But he's not being selfish by having his kids on the weekends and wanting to spend time with them and trying to date during the week.. hmmm..
You contradict yourself, which is it.. Either he's being selfish by wanting to be with his kids on the weekends rather than hire a sitter or he's not. | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 2:24:14 PM | | Fact of the matter is that I don't know of too many women who would date someone who could NEVER see them on ANY weekend.... | |
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| Give us single Dads a break
Posted: 6/4/2009 2:40:18 PM |
He did?? where..
He has described his "weekends" with the daughter as Friday through Monday. That rules out Sunday.
Ever date a DJ? Visiting them at their gig is nothing like a date. NOTHING.
And when you're involved with someone is every moment spent with them like a date? I suppose marriage is like a perfect endless prom night too, huh?
It's not martyrdom when he has 4 other nights that are free from him to go out.
You're right. It's not martyrdom until he refuses to be flexible or consider options like his daughter spending a little time with an extended family member (as I believe even you mentioned) but expects others to accomodate him and he'll (paraphrasing) "just be the most devoted dad ever and deny himself."
It's frustrating to date with a schedule like he has. I had one that was very similar in my past.
I don't recall seeing any details about his schedule. What's so unusual about it? He works 40 hours a week. Big whoop. Sometimes I work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, but I still managed to squeeze in my squeeze... if for no other reason than to snog and relieve some tension... and I had 2 daughters still living at home and he cared for his elderly father. We just didn't use the people we are responsible for as an excuse to avoid closeness/relationships. We took moments to care both for ourselves and each other. | |
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