| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:58:47 AM | Oh goodie...gives me an opportunity to quote one of my favorite poems -- first heard it read by Garrison Keillor on Prarrie Home Companion a while back.
It's "Unwise Purchases" by George Bilgere from Haywire. © Utah State University Press.
Unwise Purchases
They sit around the house
not doing much of anything: the boxed set
of the complete works of Verdi, unopened.
The complete Proust, unread:
The French-cut silk shirts
which hang like expensive ghosts in the closet
and make me look exactly
like the kind of middle-aged man
who would wear a French-cut silk shirt:
The reflector telescope I thought would unlock
the mysteries of the heavens
but which I only used once or twice
to try to find something heavenly
in the windows of the high-rise down the road,
and which now stares disconsolately at the ceiling
when it could be examining the Crab Nebula:
The 30-day course in Spanish
whose text I never opened,
whose dozen cassette tapes remain unplayed,
save for Tape One, where I never learned
whether the suave American
conversing with a sultry-sounding desk clerk
at a Madrid hotel about the possibility
of obtaining a room
actually managed to check in.
I like to think
that one thing led to another between them
and that by Tape Six or so
they're happily married
and raising a bilingual child in Seville or Terra Haute.
But I'll never know.
Suddenly I realize
I have constructed the perfect home
for a sexy, Spanish-speaking astronomer
who reads Proust while listening to Italian arias,
and I wonder if somewhere in this teeming city
there lives a woman with, say,
a fencing foil gathering dust in the corner
near her unused easel, a rainbow of oil paints
drying in their tubes
on the table where the violin
she bought on a whim
lies entombed in the permanent darkness
of its locked case
next to the abandoned chess set,
a woman who has always dreamed of becoming
the kind of woman the man I've always dreamed of becoming
has always dreamed of meeting.
And while the two of them discuss star clusters
and Cézanne, while they fence delicately
in Castilian Spanish to the strains of Rigoletto,
she and I will stand in the steamy kitchen,
fixing up a little risotto,
enjoying a modest cabernet,
while talking over a day so ordinary
as to seem miraculous. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:00:00 AM | You can't take off the mask. It's necessary to wear. It is your public face, and people wouldn't recognize you as human if you didn't have one. The mask is a social apparatus for communicating with other people. It provides them with readable information. It allows privacy for what cannot be understood before conditions for intimacy have been established. Have you seen a person without a mask? I have seen a few. Some were autistic and some were insane.
"I don't wear a mask." Yes, you do, you just aren't aware of it. You think it means pretense, deception, duplicity. It doesn't. It means your facial expressions conform to social norms. It means that you present socially recognizable responses, and present yourself according to custom.
Duplicity comes in when a person supposes they will be punished for something they feel or think or want or do, that they hide, and part of how they hide it is by making sure their mask doesn't give them away. The mask is acting on behalf of the ego, managing relationships with the world and its inhabitants. The social mask is involved in telling lies, but itself is not a lie. It is also how the truth is told.
Who you are inside can't be read directly by other people. It would be like a computer without a screen. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:08:05 AM | Have you ever seen an adult NOT wear a mask?
Yes. Mentally challenged do not wear a mask unless they have been hurt. Then they wear a wounded/apprehensive look. Most of the time they are as delightful as most innocent children that are under five.
Children learn when they go to school or daycare to quickly develop the "mask". It's a protective and instinctive measure that Mother Nature has given us.
I have seen people who say they don't wear a mask, turn into "interesting" specimens when you pry under the shell... | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:16:53 AM | Rather than an mask, I think it's more analogous to an onion. The mask may be part of who a person is, but only in a superficial way.
In a relationship, the intimacy grows as the layers a peeled back and more of the core of the person is experienced. All relationships, whether friends, family, SO, and so on are part of this unveiling process (peeling back). I think that the only people who don't present multiple layers of themselves would be "self-actualized" ie. Mother Theresa, Ghandi and so on.
M | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:52:52 AM |
"I don't wear a mask." Yes, you do, you just aren't aware of it. You think it means pretense, deception, duplicity. It doesn't. It means your facial expressions conform to social norms. It means that you present socially recognizable responses, and present yourself according to custom.
Um....nope. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:55:58 AM | O/P:
Wow. That Psych 101 class at junior college was worth that $300 mom/dad paid. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:58:09 AM | | Kind of an ironic subject, is it not? The wearing of masks on a site where we all make up usernames. Some even change them or have multiple ones. Right, Daisy? | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:07:41 AM | If I was wearing a mask...I would have chosen one that looked more like Christie Brinkley
or Cindy Crawford. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:45:27 AM | On msg 26 (Unwise Purchases)
Amazing poem.
Thanks for sharing...
There seems to be a difference between a mask (hiding oneself under something) and projection (putting pieces of ourselves out there we are comfortable with more to make the less comfortable pieces of ourselves recede into the background- though some probably make it to such an extreme that we put out pieces of ourselves that we wish we were, to hide those pieces of ourselves that we wish we weren't).
It's all a matter of degrees. When it's the latter (projecting what we wish we were) it probably could be called a mask then; and that is what makes things so uncomfortable when a person quits projecting and starts being genuine, if they say they are the former and, in fact, aren't in any way. If a person was talking to them because they truly needed those things for their own personal comfort zone and found out none of it was real; they feel misled.
There is a difference though in being genuine and being transparent. O ne is socially acceptable (as long as it's genuine in a respectful way) and the other maybe can be uncomfortable, if it's "in your face" or without filters.
imvho | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:52:13 AM | | I am an onion! But, I don't like the mask anaolgy. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:41:47 AM |
Some even change them or have multiple ones. Right, Daisy?
who's daisy? | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 12:31:27 PM | Daisypetals....she was/is a friend of mine....got sent to ban camp...along with some others....and removed her profile....I believe that the infrence is that Daisy has resurected herself with another profile....yesterday someone thought it was Boudacia...maybe today they think its you...surely they can't think it's me?
Ironic that a resurrected profile makes this accusation....oh well....that's the internet for ya! | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 2:49:46 PM | @billiam57:
 Good call. Maybe OP felt the need to tell us about the 'mask' after he watched Jim Carrey 50 times. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 5:47:05 PM | As for the mask....it will be taken off for the deserving person...
A lot of us have guards (walls) we put up for protection. I understand the need to protect yourself as we’ll be hurt many many times before we find “the one”. However if we put up a wall and hide the true self that WE KNOW of we’ve really only put off the risk. Once that wall is dropped for that deserving person that person has to get know someone different then they have been getting to know. The risk of them not liking what is behind the wall happens then instead of earlier. To me this is much more dangerous since you have made emotional attachments to the person since you think they’re the deserving person and if they reject you it’s going to hurt a lot more than if they decided they didn’t like what was behind the wall a few months/weeks earlier.
Jungian psychology is not a recent concept, and anybody interested in it can find it pretty easily.
Very true but I’m really not trying to delve too deeply into the psychology, yes persona is a Jungian archetype. It is also something that can be observed in the real world by simply listening to what people say then watching what they do and observing the difference between the two. I’m a self described social introvert. I love hanging out with people but I’m not usually engaged with everybody on the same level as more of the “out-going” type of person is. I guess I would be what is described as a “people watcher” (non-stalking of course). If you ask someone to describe themselves they will definitely put a spin on it compared to what even their closest friends would say. I have seen many women “talk shit” about other women for going and sleeping with someone’s boyfriend. At some later time, maybe hours or maybe years, I will see that same person knowingly sleep with someone’s boyfriend. They are able to justify because “he was just way to hot” or “she’s not good enough for him, he deserves someone better”, or whatever other reason makes sense to them. Guy’s do it too it’s not a female only club. The difference between being a liar, player, or whatever and wearing the mask is that the hypocrite actually believes they are the type of person who would never be with an attached guy but yet are the one who sleeps with a married or involved guy at some point.
This is an extreme example but I needed it to explain what I mean by wearing the mask and when I say we all do it I mean we all do it to varying degrees. Not all of us go out and sleep with involved or attached people but I bet most of us will have looked down on somebody else for something we to have done, even if we didn’t realize it at the time (or now for that matter). When we do this outwardly and express this to other people as if we are above it, we are wearing a mask.
A friend of mine got me into reading lectures from the Dali Lama and I have to say there are a lot of wise words in them. If you ever have the chance give his stuff a read, he explains things on different levels you don’t have to be a Buddhist to get something from his teachings. This friend a few months later sat on my porch and described how much she hated her brothers g/f and how much harm she wanted to cause her. Needless to say what she was showing was very different from what she had been telling me a few months earlier and the complete opposite of the Mr. Lama’s teachings. If this friend met someone new she would always give the impression or perception that she always followed the principle of happiness and had the “turn the other cheek” attitude and negativity not being worth her time attitude. Yet once she got comfortable enough with me to take of her mask (at least one of them) I began to see the real her which was just like most other people, You hurt me I’m gonna hurt you twice as bad”.
Oh, do you mean the "nice guy" mask? Or how about the "player" mask? Or is it the "I'm a horny chick" mask?
Those are only masks if the person actually believes they are the “nice guy” or the “player” or the “horny chick” and are not any of those.
How we want people to see us OP is a privilege of being human. It is how we engage socially and it is with these necessary masks on that we live our daily lives. It is not healthy to have no masks on. It isn't healthy to want to be intimate with everyone we meet, much less with everyone on a dating forum.
Very true and I wouldn’t suggest that you reveal your most intimate thoughts, desires and needs to just anyone. If you think of a mask as covering up these qualities of your personality then it should only be revealed to someone you want to start or have a relationship with.
OP, the other area where this has an impact is when things don't work out. Some people like to conclude that the person's failure to know himself better was a deliberate attempt to fool you to get you into bed or get you to love him/her, etc. when it is just someone that doesn't know themselves as well as they think they do.
BINGO!
Bravo!! A person whom has done their research! Unfortunately, the encouragement to think inwardly might not sell to portions of the populace whom prefer not to think at all.
Yeah I know it’s a tragedy. At least these people will find some sort of fulfillment in trolling. Or will they?
Does this mean I'm putting on a façade for each of them? No... what it means is that I respond to the environment I'm in just as the majority of the population responds to their environments.
What kind of façade is acceptable when you’re dating, in a relationship, or married? These are the situations I’m saying we need to remove that mask. Obviously some things need to be hidden in our day to day lives. If I pulled out my free spirit at work I would be out on my ass.
Rather than an mask, I think it's more analogous to an onion. The mask may be part of who a person is, but only in a superficial way.
Perhaps, but an onion can’t peel itself, we can remove our masks and do (unconsciously for those who say they don’t wear them) after a few months and familiarity settles in.
Wow. That Psych 101 class at junior college was worth that $300 mom/dad paid.
Nope this babble didn’t cost me a dime. Just something of interest to me and I’ve read about it when I want here and there over the last 5 years. It’s part of my always wanting to grow and learn more.
Kind of an ironic subject, is it not? The wearing of masks on a site where we all make up usernames. Some even change them or have multiple ones. Right, Daisy?
Yes it’s very ironic.
Off topic, this Daisy thing is totally freaking me out. The girl in the picture with me is a friend I had a few years ago and holy cows her name is Daisy. Is it weird or was she on this site previously? I know she was into psych and I remember telling her about how I liked discussing things on the POF forum. Too bad we’ve lost contact I would love to know if I’m following in her footsteps after she has already followed in mine.
46&2 | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:02:26 PM | It sounds to me as though you read the book "This is How Love Works" and I must say it is one of the best relationship building books I have ever read.
Why do y'all have to be so harsh? | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:11:09 PM | Actually I've never read that book. I find that happens a lot in my life. I take the time to figure things out on my own only to find out that someone has already figured it out and written a book about it. Good thing I believe the journey is more important than than the answers. Although I would love the money that came from having a book published.
Thanks btw. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:29:20 PM |
Accepting that you wear a mask and then trying to get that mask to match who you really are as best as possible is, in my opinion, a task that must be completed long before you start looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with.
That's one way to do it. Another way is to just drop the facade altogether and be completely sincere at all times. But I realize that this takes a lot more balls than most people have. And in doing this, you also have to be willing to accept that some people aren't going to like you. But it's extremely liberating.
Good post, though. Looking inward instead of outward is definitely more effective for attaining anything you want in life. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:33:13 PM |
@daynadaze:
You 'socked' to him pretty good. Perhaps OP would prefer a leather mask with one hole near the mouth to put a straw for breathing?
and then there is the dreaded classic loved by few called the "I enjoy being a biycth mask"
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:47:01 PM | Masks can be very useful, like in chemical warfare or bank heists. Or, say, surgery, dental hygiene, or flu episodes.
Sorry, this is just too deep for me tonight. When you are comfortable with who you are, you don't need masks.  | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:10:29 PM | | Masks are for Halloween and Mardi Gras. I never put one on, I'm just myself at all times. If that's not good enough there's plenty of fish out there who will wear one for you! One day it will come off...beware! | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:01:13 PM | | I only wear a mask when I'm robbing banks. Everybody does, it's the fashion. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:23:13 PM |
The mask is the main reason why so many times we will find someone that is "perfect" only to find out they're not even close to what we want or need .....
Accepting that you wear a mask and then trying to get that mask to match who you really are as best as possible is...a task that must be completed long before you start looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with.
Coming out from behind our masks is going to increase our chances by at least 50 times
Absolutely true. One problem is that people lie to themselves as well as to others. We spend our lives creating the mask, to such an extent people often don't know they are wearing one. So, as you say, inner reflection, find, understand and accept who you really are--that is the person who will come out one way or another once you get into a serious relationship. If you are 'pretending' to be something you are not, and you get involved with someone, the real you will emerge and the relationship is likely to fall apart. But also, there is the problem of the person you fall in love with: he/she needs to shed the mask too, otherwise you find you've fallen in love with someone who is not really who you thought he/she was. | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/6/2009 12:23:18 AM | A mask? I don't need to pretend to be something I am not, maybe an extra tail or flippers so I swim around this pond ten times faster  | |
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| Take off the mask
Posted: 6/6/2009 12:43:37 AM | So basically you're saying that we're all schizophrenics??  | |
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