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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/10/2009 10:36:44 AM |
Marriage is clearly the primary cause of divorce.
Literally, only with words...that is..lol..(tongue- in -cheeky)
But...aha!
Living together in the eyes of the government and courts is the same as marriage now.
So..a ceremony with vows of commitment...or not. Marriage is a ceremony of verbally exchanging your vows of committment to each other. They are profound....but, that's it. Why blame marriage for your break-up? Really..why?
It's the two people who didn't uphold their vows that are at fault.
The split-up is the same whether it's marriage or living together....and the same old stories...and the same blames...just different stars in their own dramas.
Kids, assets, pets, orange garbage bags of stuff...adultery, abuse...yep...his fault/her fault....money, child support, alimony....
So...again...it's a mindset. Are you committed enough to each other to do marriage? To have the ceremony and vows of committment?
If not, then if you feel comfortable, just live together. But, if your head is NOT into the total devotion and committment, somewhere down the line you will be splitting up. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/10/2009 10:44:37 AM | I think it is better to live with some one that you don't want to marry as long as the residence is in your name.. That way you can kick er out if she does understand how to follow simple instructions...I think married people should live in separate places that way when an argument happens one can simply run to their house and lock the door...LOL | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/11/2009 9:33:23 AM | I think it is better to live with some one that you don't want to marry as long as the residence is in your name.. That way you can kick er out if she does understand how to follow simple instructions...I think married people should live in separate places that way when an argument happens one can simply run to their house and lock the door...LOL
Well, "instructions" sounds like "demands" to me, ie, "lack of compromise and communication". Is your partner there to follow your "instructions" without question, compromise, communication? Get a housekeeper/cook/slave if that's what you want.
Silly example, but one of my ex's... now, mowing my lawn (1acre, but lots of trees/rocks in the back to work around) takes me a couple hours and a few tanks of gas. So, on a 90-degree summer day, I'd go out and mow for 30-40 mins (until the mower runs out of gas), and come in for a glass of water ("sweating bullets" - need to rehydrate).
Get a glass of water, leave the glass on the counter next to the sink - go back out to mow another tank-of-gas full, right? Come in to find the glass in the dishwasher, and her b**ching at me for "leaving a 'dirty' glass on the counter". Take it out, rinse it, rehydrate, and explain I'll put it in the dishwasher when I'm *done* mowing the lawn, but it makes little sense when I'm going to use it again in 30 mins? Go out, mow another 30-40 mins, come in drenched in sweat to find....? Yup, glass in the dishwasher, and her complaining again.  I mean, c'mon, is it *that* big a deal to have a glass on the counter for 2 hours, when I'm sweating my a** off and am going to be using it again in the near future?
A silly example, to me... but one of the many "uncompromising" little things that made it a struggle. And how many people here, I'm curious, would think that I was "wrong" in my logic of leaving it there until I was done mowing the lawn? If you can't compromise on something so minor as that... what does that say about your ability to compromise on larger issues?
Of course the flip side of that - I could have put the glass in the dishwasher every time, and taken it out the next time I came in to use it again, right? So I was, in a sense, *equally* guilty of not compromising? C'est la vie... as I said, silly example, but sometimes "little things add up". | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/11/2009 10:15:57 AM | ^^^^ .. very similar to the very "important" toilet seat battle .. that one's been going on since Mr. Crapper invented the convenience ..
Little power struggles .. lol
........................ .................. ............... . | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/11/2009 10:30:21 AM | ^^^ Ok if she is going to live with me she better love to argue.. I could not live with or marry a woman that did not like to have a fight or argue at least 3 to 5 times a week...I think it is better to live with someone before you get married, because if you love her that does not necessary mean you can live with her.. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/19/2009 6:28:39 PM | | Women were much more dependent on their husbands back then. It was uncommon for women to work. They would have a hard time raising their children or even supporting themselves on their own. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/19/2009 7:05:35 PM | | I wouldn't live with a man period, unless it was with a roommate. "Test driving" someone is an insulting phrase. Trust me, even w/o living together, no one can hide their 'true self' for long. It always comes out. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/23/2009 10:08:21 AM | You know all you hear on here is people who blame the marriage over a live in. Let's put some perspective on this whole issue. Here are several different examples.
Example 1
When a priest (catholic religion-use only as an example) takes a vow to the man upstairs he agrees to abide by certain rules the church indicates he needs to follow while he's under the title priesthood. If he breaks them he no longer is recognized as a priest or as the holy father.(the way it's suppose to be) You screw around your position is desolved.
Example 2
Your child and you as parents make a contract that they won't drink and drive. If they do there are reprocussions. But the contract you signed is made as an agreement between you and the child.
Example 3
You abide by the 10 commandments. The law of christian biblical studies.(Agreed that not everyone believes-this is merely an example-don't get tidies tide up in a knot).
You break one of the commandments- there are consequences. You kill someone. You stand before your peers and get judged by them for the deed you unrightously committed.
Example 4
You have caught aids and have been to a doctor and you're labeled as having the disease and agree you won't pass it on to anyone by having sexual encounters.
Example 5
You tell your wife you're going play cards with the boys and end up at her best friends house having sexual encounters. But you gave her your word you were just going out with the boys.
Does anyone see the pattern between all these examples. It's not the "marriage" that's the problem. Marriage is not what associates the entire dilemma that creates bad things by 2 people being together forever under a written contract. It's our human "idiosyncrasies"...("a peculiar temperament", "habit of body" (idios "one's own" and syn-krasis "mixture") is defined as an individualizing quality or characteristic of a person") that we've adopted to justify what we as individuals consider to be the right thing.(whether it's right or wrong). We've steered away from the traditional what is the appropriate thing to do versus what each person considers is the right thing to do. This is nothing more than anarchy. Think about caveman. They had no rules, no alignment to anything. They did whatever they thought was right for survival. Humanity is going backwards, not forwards. We're nothing more than the animal kingdom. The difference between the 2 was humans has the ability to think rationally over things that was beneath us. If we took away our ability to reason we'd be no different than a dog, cow, fox, horse, bull, etc. etc. We don't need organization we have our own minds. We don't need laws we can live by our own rules. So based on all these things the pattern clearly states it's not the marriage contract that's the problem, it's the mentality of the human race. People fail to communicate, compromise, work things out. Everyone has the me syndrome. We are all nothing more than a worn out pair of shoes. If and when we disagree or quit liking we can throw it out and get another. No one has discipline anymore. You chose the person you wanted to be with, how about showing some responsiblity and sticking it out and meaning what you say when you exchange vows or live with someone. Living with someone is really no different than the piece of paper except legally (unless commonlaw within some states) you can walk away with no responsiblity. There's that word again responsiblity. When married you agreed to uphold your part of the bargain. Can you imagine where this country would be if our military decided "I signed a contract with the govenment to do everything within my power as a military person", and the entire military population walked off the job not fulfilling their responsiblity. It would be caos around the globe. People don't know what responsiblity is anymore. They think the world owes them something. People think if I like how big it is on him or if I like what she has I'll stay with him/her until there's an arguement that I disagree with because I'm suppose to be right all the time. Doesn't matter what we agreed upon to uphold. Humanity is going backwards. People do not know how to live together or make rational decisions without addendums. Two people get together and say they will compromise until one disagrees and then it starts.. hell on working it out, just walk out, it's easier, no responsiblity... (there's that word again-responsiblity). Easier to blame someone else than accept. So don't blame the sacredness of marriage as being the problem. Blame the people who "can't" abide by what they originally agreed upon and promised to uphold............... | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/23/2009 11:47:59 AM | | The ideaology of if you love her doesn't mean you can live with her. Ever here of giving something up? When you choose to love someone you agree to accept that person in all their faults. It's called unconditional love. Accept the person for who they are and what they are. If you can't accept them for everything, why on earth would you want to love him/her? Unless it's strictly for sexual gain. I'm not knocking anyone that has a sexual relationship. Your choice if that's what both parties agree upon. But if I'm going to love someone, I'm going to accept that person for all they are worth good,bad, ugly,pretty,big, little. The concept of only being able to live with a person if they are totally under my beleif to hell with what they're belief is, is barbaric. We need to just start dragging women by the hair again whenever we want lust and sex and then beating them like the 3rd world countries do whenever they don't listen to what the man says and the woman should keep a gun to shoot the guy if he doesn't do what she wants him to do. It will come to a point one day down the road where everyone is looking for certain expectations of each other no one will be mating with the opposite gender because everyone's expecations won't meet with what they are looking for, so the whole thought of living together and/or marriage will become extinct and a new generation of battles will have begun. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/23/2009 1:48:21 PM | | As you would, presumably, be living together after you married, I'm wondering why you think that "living together is a sure fire way to wreck even the best relationship?" | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/23/2009 5:42:43 PM | I think the sure fire way of knowing if I want to marry someone IS to live with them.
Everyone seems (hopefully) to put their best foot forward on dates and thats fine. Then as we get to know the other person more and things come together. That initial information we gathered about that person has been added to and digested and hopefully we still say.. I like this person, let's keep going.
Living with someone will be the tell all of everything I would think. It brings out the every day habits of both individuals and a "reality" factor.
If we can live with each others "reality factors" and accept the things that make us individuals, then yes.... I say go for it.
As we grow older we all get set in our ways. Having a space for someone elses "stuff" and differences in each others lives, accepting them, embracing them, adjusting to them, makes a difference in if we are to last or fall by the wayside as so many others have.
Having an open mind to another individual and their past and present and hopefully
"our" future takes a bit of work and adjustment.
Me....I want to live with the man I think I want to marry. I want to know everything about his likes and dislikes and anything else I can find out that will make OUR life better. Hopefully he will feel the same.
I think many of us are past the point of wanting surprises in our lives. I want reality.
I don't want to guess and worry ....
I want my best friend, lover, helper, guide, mentor, listener, helper, and person to share everything and grow old with.
Maybe I went way past your question ...but.... haha... I got lost in thought....and maybe wishes too.... | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/23/2009 5:57:40 PM |
I'm truly surprised. Seems like if you really loved someone and wanted a future with them, you'd avoid doing things that are likely to ruin the relationship.
I'm confused, if you really love someone and wanted a future with them i'm assuming marriage would be the next logical step to take.....but according to you living together will ruin the relationship so how will this 'marriage' be a success? Maybe you need to find someone long distance and you can have a cyber marriage, cyber honeymoon, cyber kids, cyber everything to avoid the doom and gloom of living together. 
Personally I think living together before marriage is a great idea. Gives you both a chance to see if you are right for each other. If you don't want to live with a person then you obviously don't want to marry them. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:51:04 AM | Guess we all see things differently. If you live together you have no need to compromise, no need to communicate, you are who you are and have no need to give up things together to make a relationship work. I'm not saying living together you can't give up things to work, but if you have no moral responsiblity to anyone but yourself why? Sure you'll do it for a while until you or the other get's pissed off about something. Then you're back to hey "we're not married you can't tell me what to do", or "I don't have to do this or that, we're not married". "I have no responsiblity to no one but myself".
I realize marriage is a piece of paper and I agree you shouldn't have to have a piece of paper to tie things together. But from a moral standpoint vows are typically a covenant that you've made a promise to a higher being to abide and stick it out. The responsiblity in memory and thought rest on your shoulders because we all want to do the rightious thing. Guess it's all about how you believe and what you believe in.
Bottom line is simple to me, if you meet someone and both of you click, you "work" at it to make the relationship work. It doesn't matter if someone has a habit you don't like, it doesn't matter if you're set in your ways; you chose to pursue that person at every level. It's just like your house, it takes a lot of work to maintain it and to keep you in it. If you're not willing to commit at all levels, being married or living together won't work no matter what the situation is. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/24/2009 12:31:30 PM |
Guess we all see things differently. If you live together you have no need to compromise, no need to communicate, you are who you are and have no need to give up things together to make a relationship work.
Why on earth would I want to live with someone who wouldn't communicate or compromise? Hell, I've had a *male* rommate (2 actually, but one was great) that I wanted sorely to get rid of within 2 months because he could do neither and had no respect for us other two roommates... (and was stuck with for the entire year, Freshman year).
I'm not saying living together you can't give up things to work, but if you have no moral responsiblity to anyone but yourself why? Sure you'll do it for a while until you or the other get's pissed off about something. Then you're back to hey "we're not married you can't tell me what to do", or "I don't have to do this or that, we're not married". "I have no responsiblity to no one but myself".
If you have no moral responsibility living with someone, hate to say it, but you're probably not going to have any responsibility/respect married to them either. I wouldn't have a woman move in with me if I *wasn't* prepared to respect her, communicate, compromise... the argument is silly - some people can't do those things, married or not - that's a personality thing, personal morals & values, and someone who can't do that living together more than likely won't married either. And someone who *has* those qualities, that personality, will try like all get-out to make a relationship work, whether living together or married. Trouble is, you won't always find out that part of their personality *until* you've spent extended time together. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/24/2009 1:57:51 PM | As someone who conducts marriage ceremonies, I can tell you that the trend of living together prior to marriage is hugely popular--so much so that virtually every couple I've married in the past seven or eight years has already been living together at the time of marriage. And they are still married, with one exception. So much for the statistic of living together ruining relationships.
That said, you need to do what is best for you, Timothy. If you are simply not comfortable doing so, you shouldn't do it. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 10/24/2009 10:08:17 PM | I would rather live with someone and find out the person's true colors because it is better then a divorce. When you date someone often they wear a mask and their true characteristics come out. I lived with my fiacee which was a blessing in disguse and I am gald I did not marry him. He wore a mask to me while i was dating him. I learned he owed a lot people money and he did not pay them back. He was always bouncing checks, did not pay his credut cards on time, had an explosive temper and broke stuff.
He wanted me to do all the chores when he told me before I moved in that he would split all the chores. He told me all the romance is gone once i moved in to his place. He said he wanted me barefoot and pregant. He was someone else when I moved in with him. This explains why I am so cautious about getting married or living with someone. I am glad I diod not live with him 1st otherwise I would been divorced. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 10/24/2009 11:56:59 PM | I think you are just making excuses.
What makes you think when you are marriaed things would fall into place like you want them to be. Sounds controlling to me. A marriage is not to prevent anyone from f'ing up. Living together before marriage as good as being married. You are an older adult this should not be an issue unless you are religious then I get it. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 10/25/2009 12:20:29 AM | Heck yes!!!!!! There's no way in God's great earth am I gonna marry any woman without testing the goods. And the best way of doing that is by making her do all the chores, sexing her up whenever it suits and always asking her what's for dinner, just as a random question to see if that annoys the tar out of her. If not, she's good to go!!!!
Not living with her prior to marriage is like buying something really, really, really expensive with no return policy or warranty at all.... Heck I couldn't even do that on eBay, even at a bargain basement price.
What if she doesn't give good love? What if she's as frigid as an ice bucket? How would I and my Chili Willi be? I mean it goes both ways too. What if she can't handle my Woody Woodpecker? Or my annoying inquiries about world cuisine and if it is ready yet before I get home? What if she doesn't like me reading her The Economist aloud in bed and showing her graphs in different colours and designs, every single night?
Living together is like a sound check before a gig (testing, testing 1,2,3), or a TEST IN PROGRESS sign outside the exam room (with two students inside), or a dummy run of a statistics program such as Minitab...(awww, old school). | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 10/25/2009 7:14:19 AM | | Marriage is beyond the shadow of doubt. You have to be sure before you take that plunge and if you have questions, or reservations. Its best to live together until you know deep in your heart that is what you want for the rest of your life. Can you picture yourself growing old together. Bottom line is: Don't date anyone you wouldn't marry. It all Starts there. Same for sexual if its not there then it will never work. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 10/25/2009 7:22:31 AM | | After my last relationship broke up (we were living together), I promised my father I would NEVER NEVER NEVER live with someone again. Not unless we got married. Yeah, I know what you are thinking, look at my profile, I'm 52 years old. But yes, I promised him and I'm going to stick to it. | |
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