| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:08:19 PM | Hi 2hi-iq-4u,
Hang in there. The gal of your dreams may be just around the corner. With any luck she will have made it into Mensa using just half her brain.
Good Fishing,
Sincerely,
Timothy | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:09:06 PM | | well it doesnt matter either you want to marry her go for it just becarful i didnt live with my ex before we got married it lasted 7 years and someone flushed the toliet on it lol actully it was my best friend but oh well having two jobs to try and support someone and a baby girl means your never home | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:22:23 PM | The only way living together before marriage "is a sure fire way" to end a relationship is if you DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER FIRST.. Waaay too many move in together when they are still in the honeymoon stage of their romance.. then when they have to actually relate to one another without the rose coloured glasses on, the problems start.
Can you provide any stats that correlate the length of the relationship before the actual move in? Or are these stats just gathered on the fact that they lived together without taking any other consideration when compiling the numbers?
Can you imagine how a woman feels who thinks the world of you and wants to be your wife and you only want to live with her? Ouch! To me, the "marriage" part is only a contract.. nothing more, nothing less.. It would have nothing to do with his or my level of commitment to each other. I've done it, after 3 years of dating, 3 years of living together we got married when we decided to have children and it wasn't doomed until 30 years later.
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:23:17 PM |
With any luck she will have made it into Mensa using just half her brain.
That sounds promising. Usually I meet the ones with half a brain. That isn't all bad if she has a half decent attitude and is reasonably easy on the eyes. I'm not looking for a glamour queen or a nobel prize winner, ya know. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:31:56 PM | Quote OP since I forgot how to do it LOL ~~"Can you imagine how a woman feels who thinks the world of you and wants to be your wife and you only want to live with her? Ouch!"
In a healthy sinful relationshhip I am sure individuals are not that naive. A woman has a mouth speak up if she is not happy with her current arrangement.
Its not about an ideal situation that sounds good only. Look around you, the traditional marriage do not guarantee anything except the idea that you trapped(oooops) her legally hahaha.
Communication and using commonsense ROCKS!!! | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 1:27:04 AM | Hi Arabianangel
Yes it does seem a bit strange. Yet I do understand just why they are not being answered. The entire op is a contradiction in itself. So an answer would only make the entire thread moot!
Sincerely
~The Rock Man~
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 1:34:14 AM | I wouldn't consider marrying someone before considering living with them.
There was once a statistic saying that marriages were x % more likely to end in divorce if the couples lived with one another first... or something of that nature. I think it's crap.
Hell...
I've lived with guys i met on craigslist (both good and bad)... i would only assume that if i were 'seriously' dating someone that we could live together more harmoniously than me with total strangers.
That was a sure sign that me and this one girl would never make it...
I have a nice house, plenty of space, reasonable rent.... I'm clean, well-kept, and I have a nice, elegant arrangement. She would have rather lived with total strangers from craigslist before even TRYING to be comfortable here.... what a waste of time, money, and of a relationship. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 1:35:07 AM | | I ask would you buy a car with out test driving it? NO. So why get into a life long commitment without seeing if you both can live that way. A marriage is going to fail whether you live together or not first. Just because your married does not mean it will be a happily ever after thing. Most people stay in a bad marriage just because it be too much of a pain to get out of it or kids or whatever. Which i think is wrong. If you can't live with each other and just be together then how in the world would you live together because of a piece of paper says you should be? But on the other hand i can see how ones religious point of view would come into play. Yes, marriage is a sacred thing. But unless you know 1000% that this one is IT. Which no one does. You have to test it. You test it now, when it is easier to get out of if it doesn't work out. OR you test it when it will take thousands of dollars to fix what could have been stopped in the first place. But to each his own! | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 1:52:10 AM | OP, I think that what you're saying is that living together but not being married is some sort of sign that there is no commitment, or security offered and that damage is done because there is feeling that you're using the person for all the benefits of marriage without the actual commitment to the long term ? This kind of reasoning assumes that both partners in the relationship feel insecure without a marraige contract, which for a good deal of people just doesn't ring true. If you're the kind of person that would feel like they were being used or that there was a lack of commitment by living together without being married then DON'T DO IT. For quite a lot of people who are responding here though, it makes sense to check out the dynamics of living together before making a commitment of marriage or, they feel that marriage is just not necessary to feel that they are in a committed relationship. Personally, someone sharing my intimate day-in day-out home life is commitment enough, and although I'm not adverse to marriage, I certainly wouldn't do it before I'd lived with someone first, this just doesn't make sense to me, how do you know if they leave their smelly socks on the bathroom floor or not (deal breaker) ? | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:19:51 AM | Well since it's not a sure fire way to wreck a relationship, it works out well just was often as it doesn't and marriage only works out half the time anyway, so really it's more of a choice than a dreaded statistic. I probably wouldn't but who knows, I could change my mind. And really, if people are having sex and doing everything a married couple would do except live together, isn't that pretty much a big ole fat lie to act like you are doing something moral by not living together? Now if a couple is truly saving everything until the wedding night, then yeah, they should probably not move in together before the wedding.
OP is just preaching again, and of course acting like us wimens is too stupid & delicate to handle making choices and being responsible for ourselves. | |
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Twooit
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Joined: 5/27/2009
Msg: 39 | |
| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 4:55:06 AM | | I absolutely, 100% want to live with someone before I marry them. Seeing someone a couple times a week is significantly different them seeing them every single day AND living with them. It brings out a side that you wouldn't normally see. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:06:31 AM | | Yeah, funny stuff. If living together will wreck the relationship, then I guess the premise of waiting until marriage is that when living together wrecks the relationship then, it's just harder to get out of said relationship. I don't know where to begin with this. | |
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Jim978
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Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 41 | |
| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:24:58 AM |
All who have replied so far have said they would go for it despite the overwhelming evidence that living together usually dooms a relationship.
As many have pointed out, you are a bit confused here. There simply is no such evidence. You are confusing correlation with causation. While people who live together tend to have a higher rate of divorce than those that don't, that doesn't mean that co-habiting prior to marriage together is the cause for those divorces. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:40:01 AM | Well yes otherwise I wouldn't know all of their bad habits would I???
I like the "living together" part it's the "marriage" I'm not too sure about.................LOL | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:58:06 AM | You learn far more about someone living with them than you do dating.
I had one ex-GF move in with me, with it stated that we'd "live together for a year, and then get married". We'd dated a a few years at that point, sometimes I'd pay, sometimes she'd pay, vacations together, etc, we seemed great together... and then she moved in with me... (and it being my house, and I was paying anyways, I kept paying the bills and we didn't 'split' the costs really other than she usually bought the groceries). Oh, keep in mind here we both made about the same (within $5k of each other).
"We need a bigger house" - um, ok, we can do that, but I'm spending 60% of my take home on the mortgage, plus bills, I can't afford more, but together - with you contributing - we could certainly afford something nicer. "Oh, forget it then".
"We can stay here, but we'd need to put an addition on" - same thing, "together" we could afford it... "Oh, forget it then".
'Fridge craps out, she wants a 36" one (for a 34" space), I suggest the 33" *identical* model (just 3" narrower) because "the 36-inch one won't fit in the space in the kitchen". "Well, we just need to redo the kitchen then" - ok, but the fridge is dead and all our food is in a cooler on the kitchen floor, not the best time to be thinking about remodeling the kitchen - lets buy the 33" one and if you want to redo the kitchen that's fine... we can work "together" to plan & pay for it "together". "Oh, forget it then".
She walked out the door cheating on me a year later, for a guy with more money (who cheated on her 8mo's later, but...). Thank god we didn't get married, apparently "together" and partnership (in her expectations) meant "you pay for everything, I spend my paycheck buying toys and jewelry". Funny how that changed, when before that she paid her own bills and we seemed to have a good compromise on both of us paying for things (I'd pay sometimes, her others). We'd even talked about buying a house "together" before she moved in - but I guess once she moved in the rules changed.
I'd say in terms of the relationships I've seen where "living together" comes before marriage, its about 50/50 for it working out. Then again, 50% of marriages end in divorce anyways these days, right? So I really don't think it makes a difference, its just easier to get out of w/o the divorce thing there, if you can't live together because of those damn expectations. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 6:06:50 AM | I dont know where the stats come from, but I have heard many times that the divorce rate is higher for people who lived together before marrying.
I have no idea if the stats also included info such as how long they dated, or lived together before marriage...but it seems even educators throw this stat out there, that living together is corralated with higher rate of divorce. Is this what the OP is talking about? | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 6:09:26 AM | You don't, knowing that living together is a sure fire way to wreck even the best relatiohship.
If I thought I wanted to marry someone but thought that living together would surely end the relationship, then why would I want to marry them in the first place if I had the mindset that it was going to fail?
meh!! I'm confused. If I really love this person then nothing or anyone is going to keep me away from them. If they're more comfortable living together before marrige then that's okay. I'm that way too but I gotta tell ya. When you're in love you'll do anything to make that person happy and they'll do the same for you.
Sans | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 6:09:58 AM | Mr. Timothy Paul,
To cohabitate or not cohabitate, that is the question… Let’s see… While there are some studies showing that couple that lived together before the marriage divorced with the higher rate, but I would not put the blame on “living together” part.
I would contemplate that people who are choosing to move in and have casual relations have more independency, less religious restrains and more awareness of their individual needs. The cohort of non-cohabitating consists of more religious people, usually older in age which would give more maturity to the relationship and more willingness to compromise. Add on the top of the individual differences the difference in the level of income, small children or grown children, urban or rural area, level of education, age grouping- and I am going to question validity of those researches and statistical legitimacy of them.
Personally, I don’t need a piece of paper granting me a wife’s status. I would assume all the biblical rights and responsibilities as soon as I will enter committed relations.
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 6:34:16 AM | I don't know of anyone that claims that living together before the union ruined a marraige. I know of several relationships that were happy and full prior to marriage and after cohabitating for several years, they married, one or both started acting like a douche and they were divorced within a year.
Maybe your problem is that you don't believe the love and respect necessary to live with someone and overlook their irritating habits exists for you despite how wonderful this woman supposedly is. If you should be with her, you wouldn't even be having these thoughts.
What makes a difference is how long you have been together before you cohabitate and the reasons for doing so. If it is because both truly want it and you really know each other, great, if it is for financial reasons or otherwise because it makes more "sense" than maintaining two households, not so much.
OP, if you want to marry the chick, the only one who has a hangup is you; maybe you are worried she is only using you for sex and a lawn boy.
If you want to live with someone because long after the honeymoon stage is over, the last thing you want to see before you go to bed and the first thing in the morning is that person, don't see how a little thing like a marriage would screw up cohabitating under those circumstances. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 6:36:57 AM | If living together is going to wreck your relationship, you probably shouldn't be getting married.
Just sayin'.
Edit- I would say it "ruins the relationship" about half the time.
What's the divorce rate again? | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 6:41:42 AM | Statistically, if you live together before marriage, you're more likely to break up. It's a correlation but not necessarily causation.
The idea behind the studies on this is that the more you save for your marriage, the more likely it is to last. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 6:58:07 AM | ^ I'd also be interested in seeing what the people who "stay together" believe.
Many of the people I know that DIDN'T live together first "don't believe in divorce." | |
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