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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 11:21:04 AM | | If living together can wreck a relationship then u don't have much of a relationship do u? Living together should only make it stronger. I think u should live together before marriage to see how it works out. If u don't want to live with her then u probably are not as into her as she is u. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 11:27:31 AM | Even though more than 50 percent of couples now do it, compared with only 10 percent thirty years ago, living together before marriage is still linked to higher rates of troubled unions, divorce and separation, Penn State researchers have found.
The Penn State team compared data on 1425 people married between 1964 and 1980 when cohabitation was less common and between 1981 and 1997 when cohabitation was more common. In both groups, cohabiters reported less happiness and more marital conflict than noncohabiters. Also, couples who lived together before marriage were more likely to divorce.
The most recent data from the Penn State research is 12 years old.
And in 1992, the National Survey of Families and Households found that, in 3,300 families, married couples who had lived together first were judged to be 46 percent more likely to get divorced.
The NSFH survey is 17 years old.
edit: on the NSFH site, they list: "UNION AND MARRIAGE HISTORY CONTENT", and "union" and "marriage" history are separate links. Per my comments above, then, I'm guessing that "union" is NOT = "marriage".
"In the union history file, all unions are ordered sequentially, whether begun by marriage or cohabitation, and whether or not a marriage occurred."
Some awfully "clever wording" in those "statistics", to say "unions" begun by cohabitation are more likely to fail vs. "first marriages". Why are we comparing apples to oranges, rather than apples to apples??? Makes me wonder, why not compare "first marriages" with and without cohabitation prior - rather than "all unions" (which according to NSFH doesn't just include marriages) begun w/ cohabitation vs. "first marriages"? Do the numbers not quite work out so "dramatically" for their "purpose"?
Researchers from Yale University, Columbia University and the Institute for Resource Development at Westinghouse revealed the divorce rates of women who cohabit are nearly 80 percent higher than the rates of those who do not.[4]
4. Neil Bennett, et al., “Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability,” American Sociological Review 53 (1988): 127-138.
The Columbia report is 21 years old. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 11:43:51 AM | Ok, I am guilty of past co habitation, and it just does not work for me. Some leach moves in promising to help with bills and mortgage and ends up paying zilch, not even for food he eats.
All I got was "Barb, fridge is empty, we're out of tp". | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 11:46:14 AM |
Ok, I am guilty of past co habitation, and it just does not work for me. Some leach moves in promising to help with bills and mortgage and ends up paying zilch, not even for food he eats.
All I got was "Barb, fridge is empty, we're out of tp".
But it would be better if you got *married*, and all you got was "Barb, fridge is empty, we're out of tp, and get me some beer while you're out."? 
What does cohabitation have to do with your bad choice in men? (not meaning to insult, but he sounds like a loser). | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 12:10:01 PM | You'll be living together after marriage, right? I mean I've heard of seperate bedrooms, but seperate houses/apartments... Really??? (kidding!)
No, but seriously, if your gonna marry and live together; you better find out now if your compatitble in a living arrangement.
My roommate dated this guy for years. They were gonna get married. He moved in, became "the man of the house", and they (very) shortly therafter BROKE UP!!!"
People and dynamics of the relationships change every time circumstances change. Especially in marriage or living together without marriage, or both.
I would have to live with somebody before I married them. While some "surprises" can be a nuisance (bad habits), others can be downright fatal! (possessive psychopaths!!!)
If spending time with each other in a cohabitational setting is difficult, then for god's sake, save yourself the trouble and DON'T get married!!! | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 12:44:45 PM |
You fall "head over heels" for someone, and they feel the same way about you. You're GOOD together. Problem is they want to live together before marriage. You don't, knowing that living together is a sure fire way to wreck even the best relatiohship. What do you?
OP -- The premise behind your logic is failed. So you are good together, one wants to live together first (likely to see what kinda life it'd be like) and one doesn't, assuming that it will "wreck" the relationship. Ok, so they get married and THEN live together...and what happens when they find they are SO ill suited to be sharing one dwelling?
Divorce. Yep.
Great masterplan you have there. Your logic is failed.
Just like sex before marriage, the "test drive" so to speak...living together before a marriage is no different in the sense that you get to "test drive" cohabitation. See if you both like it and are suited to it. You take a big risk by no pre-marital sex because now you don't know if you're compatible until AFTER it's all said and done...you take a big risk by NOT cohabitating before a marriage just the same.
I know for me personally, I always said I would never live with someone unless we were gonna marry, or at least engaged to be. I have no desire to "play house". If it was me in this situation and I wanted to live together before we were married and she didn't...I'd stay with her, but she'd be put on alert that unless she agrees to the cohabitation part before me marry, there won't BE a marriage in our future. Just a lifetime of dating exclusively and from separate abodes.
JMO. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 1:07:57 PM | lol..
All of this expert advice...
You all lived together and got divorced ...before the marriage or after...and the relationship between you ditched, dumped and deep-sixed!
So...all moot. Doesn't matter.
Like the test-driving. lol... Ohhhh...we are so matched.....it's awesome! Then 7 months down the road...ummm.....we called it quits.
What does that prove?
You were once married. You were once so in love with other! In each other's hip pocket!
Then it died.
Moot again.
So...it boils down to educating yourselves about what marriage is really about and if you have the desire and the heart for it. It's vow and ceremony of committment.
If you do not...it doesn't matter whether you live together ...or not...your head is not into it. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 1:40:40 PM |
Actually, I found a very recent one that said that a woman that had cohabited only once, with her husband, actually had a *lower* divorce rate than those that had married w/o living together, or had lived with multiple partners before marriage.
Just thought I'd make your day. Ha ha.. :thumbs up: Thanks, forums1 | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 2:52:57 PM |
Like the test-driving. lol... Ohhhh...we are so matched.....it's awesome! Then 7 months down the road...ummm.....we called it quits.
What does that prove?
Um...it proves you weren't stupid enough to MARRY first then live together. It proves that you had enough foresight to cover some bases first. 7 months later you fail, and call it quits. It proves that you now can leave of your own accord and there's no talk of Lawyers, divorce, alimony, child support or splitting assets.
H E L L O??
However, if you're naive enough to marry first then live together, and you fail 7 months later...then it gets ugly and messy.
Long story short...it "proves" a lot.
Sad that it had to be explained with paint by the numbers... | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 2:57:47 PM | So... they will live together after they get married or that will wreck the relationship?
If people think like you, they'd be married and divorced like 8-10 times in their lives. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:08:50 PM | If it's a moral issue for you not to want to live together, the person you love should know this about you. There ARE reasons for not wanting to live together before marriage - I think people have forgotten that there are some things in life that are supposed to be reserved for the correct timing for some people.
I lived with my ex for nine years, then we married and split after six years, so I do understand what you mean about living together wrecking the potential, BUT the 'relationship' not the marriage, not the living together, has to have a good strong foundation for you two to co-habit anyway. You know, building blocks of a good relationship? Doesnt work when a few are missing, no matter who you are. Speak openly and honestly about your concerns. If you can't resolve it, consider it a sign that bigger, harder things won't be able to be resolved living together/married either. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:09:06 PM | ruby darling,
what a snotty little comment and to whom do you make it to little girl?
are we supposed to guess at to whom you directed it to?
IMHO, if people think like you, they'd be married and divorced like 8-10 times in their lives. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:24:08 PM |
Um...it proves you weren't stupid enough to MARRY first then live together
A N D...
The ones that lived together and then got married....
A N D...
there's talk of Lawyers, divorce, alimony, child support or splitting assets.
So...ummmm.....it's moot isn't it???
One or half a dozen of the other....they didn't make it.
Living together and test-driving each other is NOT the issue of whether a marriage survives or not.
There have been successes and failures at both ways.
There seems to be a virus of idealism on here and some people need a dose of reality.
UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE FIRST.
That is the secret of it's success.
(...as she puts her ABC book away until the next dumbass comes along...) | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:30:48 PM | It USED to be that people didn't have sex before marriage, didn't live together before marriage, etc. based on the principal that when two people are 'joined as one' they have their entire lives ahead of them to work things out. The wedding day was a day to celebrate the launch of a new life. Now it's "oh thank God, I've found someone who likes me a little. Think we'll live together for awhile." sheesh. Nowadays, it's different. One of my friends' boyfriends moved in and right back out again when he found out she snored. No resolution, no talking, nothing - just decided he couldn't handle that. To me, this is shallow and shows a lack of maturity, though undoubtedly there will be others on this site that would do the same thing (missing entirely the point that all things can be worked through to resolution if two people are willing to work at it). It takes two well-grounded individuals to make a relationship work. Not just everything constitutes a loving relationship. If you're going to go through all the motions to live together, why not TRUST and BELIEVE that it will be for the rest of your lives. It's about 'tolerance', not about "does this work for ME?" In a real relationship, (I didn't get the memo if this has changed) two people communicate well enough, believe in themselves and each other enough to get through whatever life throws at em. Ultra-simplified, but I still believe that's what preserves the longevity of a relationship. Having a 'test run' (living together) doesn't guarantee failure or success - it just means a watered down version of the real thing - lifelong partnership. Sometimes after a few years of living together, one begins to feel that they've allowed their partner to give less than ALL to the relationship. EXAMPLE: "yes I love you, but that only means living together, not marriage." or "Yes, I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you, FOR NOW!" lol
After awhile it can play with your head to wonder why you're good enough to live with, but not good enough to marry. Fear, anxiety and pressure can take a toll on any relationship, but one that is a 'test run' is especially vulnerable and two people can really fall out of each other's good graces when one decides that's good enough and the other wants a lifelong commitment.
There's no place for resentment, hard feelings, and bottled up b.s. in a 'real' relationship - whether it's marriage or living together. Again, good communication can take the guesswork out of what you both expect and consider "okay" .
Oh and this will probably come under heavy fire, but if the reason she wants to move in with you is to take the burden off herself for financial reasons, END IT NOW AND RUN LIKE HELL. Those relationships NEVA EVA work out. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:32:39 PM |
So...ummmm.....it's moot isn't it???
One or half a dozen of the other....they didn't make it.
Living together and test-driving each other is NOT the issue of whether a marriage survives or not.
There have been successes and failures at both ways.
There seems to be a virus of idealism on here and some people need a dose of reality.
UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE FIRST.
That is the secret of it's success.
(...as she puts her ABC book away until the next dumbass comes along...)
Wow...you'd think someone of your advanced years would be a little more savvy, and not so quick to "moot" things. Eesh.
Why is it moot? Because the marriage itself didn't survive? Bleak and myopic outlook I'd have to say.
It's NOT moot because if you test drive the cohabitation aspect first (and I'm referring to at least a couple years...not the "several weeks" that most deem a lifetime these days) then you'll at least have a better idea if the two of you are compatible under the same roof. If two people have differing opinions on what gets done when, and how, then that will just spell disaster. Find that out AFTER you've married and not BEFORE and you're just a blind fool. A shade shy of moron.
For those that marry first and move in second, they deserve the Courts and the Lawyers and the nasty garbage that comes their way. Surely not smart enough to take the relationship at a pace and feel each other out first. There's still no guarantee that a marriage will work or last longer if they cohabitate first, but there's better odds of success if they go through the feeling out phase well before marriage is on the table. They appreciate that marriage is a commitment that can't be taken lightly, and they appreciate that they will see each other warts n' all for a long time before they walk the aisle. If they're still very much "into" each other after that time, and let's assume they were also smart enough to test drive each other sexually...then two important potential pitfalls have been covered.
They have better odds.
Hardly moot at all.
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:44:26 PM | I have seen people "test-drive" each other sexually...(as is their "educated" belief) and they find that they are little little bunnies together. Life is grand!
Months later, it's done. But why?? They did test-drive each other..
One day...grasshoppa...they will understand that it takes more than test-driving each other to make a marriage or a long, long term committment to work.
There's an elevated thinking that is on a higher level than copulating...
But...hey...do what YOU feel is right for you. I just didn't agree with what you said and didn't like your "paint by number" patronizing silliness in your disagreement with mine. We are allowed to have our different opinions, just don't get smart-ass when someone else has a differing point. They might just mirror you.
Sage advice from an old-timer. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:44:36 PM | | No offense to anyone, but really really good sex doesn't just happen, you have to work at it to make it right for both partners, same with commitments. Anyone who has been in a loving relationship knows that the better you know someone emotionally, the greater the sexual connection and the ease in which you can explain to your partner what it is you like sexually. It doesn't just 'happen' for anyone - if they say it does, they are sooo lying. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 4:05:10 PM |
Um...it proves you weren't stupid enough to MARRY first then live together. It proves that you had enough foresight to cover some bases first. 7 months later you fail, and call it quits. It proves that you now can leave of your own accord and there's no talk of Lawyers, divorce, alimony, child support or splitting assets.
H E L L O??
However, if you're naive enough to marry first then live together, and you fail 7 months later...then it gets ugly and messy.
Long story short...it "proves" a lot.
Sad that it had to be explained with paint by the numbers..
I have to say that I agree with your logic there. I dated my ex for 2 years before we married. Made the mistake of not living with him first. He had a house and I had an apartment. So after we got married I moved in. I think one is ill-prepared for marriage if you haven't lived together beforehand. Anyway, I think marriage would never have entered the picture if not for the baby, but he proposed. There are habits of the other that you need to get used to like for it irked me that he left his shavings in the bathroom sink. Yuck! Then it became a little pile of hair on the counter. Anyway, I'm sure I had habits that bothered him, too. But my god living together for a year or so before marriage would've prepared us for marriage. I don't know how people survive arranged marriages where two people barely know each other as in some orthodox religions! Holy crap! Hopefully, when I'm in a long-term relationship I will have learned from last relationship. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 4:22:49 PM |
I have seen people "test-drive" each other sexually...(as is their "educated" belief) and they find that they are little little bunnies together. Life is grand!
Months later, it's done. But why?? They did test-drive each other..
Yep and we refer to that as the "honeymoon phase". Once that wears off, you'll either still be at it like bunnies and life will be grand, or one (or both) will "turn the taps" off. Sounds to me like at that point, they either better figure out the "why" behind the lack of sexual activity or time to hit the eject button on the relationship.
Brings that old addage to my mind...the one about the newly discovered sexual cessation food...it's called Wedding Cake. Use with caution. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:05:28 PM |
It USED to be that people didn't have sex before marriage, didn't live together before marriage
That was never true, people have been having sex and living together without a marriage contract since time began. Sure Hollywood and literature make romantic tales of how chaste people use to be, etc. but in real life, people did not live that way, it's a lie. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:24:36 PM | I have had 3 ltrs, but never cohabited.If want to live with a man, it will be in holy wedlock.If people take the time to mature, grow as human beings before embarking on marriage, more would last.
There is no need to rush anything in a relationship.Get to know a person at a deep level.Forget the sex and get to know the person.Better still know yourself and what you want in a partner.Have standards and stick to them.
Sometimes people know straight away, when they find the right person.My parents met and married in 6 mths, still going 29 years on.No test drive needed.
I would give any man , the right to be himself and I would get to know him as such.I would expect the same back.
So Op I would not live with a man, I would want to wed, I would marry them period.if I had come to such a serious profound decision, why would I cheapen it or him in anyway.
As Beyonce sings"if you want it, better put a ring on it".I am not anyones test drive. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:28:30 PM | Well' As far as i am concerned' Here is what i see.
To many people go into marriage with there head in the clouds. Most people now don't go into marriage because they love each other and because there is common ground between them. They go into marriage because the sex is good for the most part. Right along with a few other shallow ideas. "He has a good job" I live well with him. She has blond hair and a body to die for. That's just 2. There are others. When something happens and his six figure salary goes down the toilet and they have to learn to live within there means. For a lot of people that's just more than they can take and they split up. He wants to have kids. She pumps him out two or three and in the process gains a bunch of weight and can't lose it. Now he doesn't find her attractive anymore. The sex was good till they moved in together. Now they actually have to talk to one another and find they they don't even like each other. They have no common ground. People for the most part now are driven by sex. They think they love this person when all the time there nothing but in lust with the person.
People don't have to move in together just to know whether there compatible or not. That's just bullshyt. If you go about things right to start with you will know. I have never had to live with a woman to know whether i was compatible with her or not.
For the most part people use living together as a excuse. There not really wanting to marry' There just wanting to fu%* and use that for a excuse so when they get tired of one another they can go there separate ways with no attachments. If a man and woman are truly in love with one another they know it. And they want to be together forever and they will want to marry.
Also' If a man and woman truly love each other. If something happens and the sex goes bad. They will still stay together. A lot of people want to believe that sex will hold there marriage together. Well' It doesn't. Common ground' respect' and love for each other is what it takes to hold a marriage together. Sex is just icing on the cake. | |
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| Would you live with someone you want to marry?
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:34:14 PM | OP, in your long post 67, you do not say WHY you think there is a cause and effect relationship here, and without that, your post is just a very long attempt at trying to make everyone live like you do. You don't want to love with someone before marriage, well, no one is asking you to.
Plus, as alluded to earlier, these "statistics" are really skewed. What about all the marriages that SHOULD end in divorce but don't? They are not counted and I bet more than 50% of them were non-live together first couples.....like my parents!
And that "even for one month" thing is ridiculous and really tips your hand in what you are trying to accomplish...mainly to impose your restrictive views of "morality" as you see it on everybody else. | |
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