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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:41:06 AM | [I do not want a ready made family and going from single to a family of 6 would be a bit much,]
You want a relationship, but you don't. It's a package deal.
By the way, Nice Bike.... Use it! | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:56:16 AM | Thanks to everyone for your opinions. I guess these are basically the responses I was expecting. I guess the only issue I have is that so many people are focusing on her past. The way I view things is what happened in the past is in the past. She had her first set of twins at the age of 17. Was she stupid for letting that happen? Yes, but it happens. This time around I'm not really sure. She says she was on birth control. I don't know. I do know she was on birth control when I met her. Assuming she was these kids could just as easily have been mine. So, while it is true that in an ideal world I don't want a ready made family, especially with that many kids it is what it is. Her and her kids come as a package deal and I understand that. When I found out she was pregnant I quit seeing her because I felt that was too much for me. Over time though we became friends and it's come full circle. Her situation really isn't the issue here. I can accept it. If I ended up with her I could deal with it. I have a good career and a decent income. Sacrafices would have to be made and my standard of living would be lowered, but I could handle it if it came to that.....that would be a long way down the road though....just because we officially started dating doesn't mean I'm going to marry her.
The only issues here are the fact that I've known her for 7 months and she still can't decide what she wants from me. In the meantime she expects me not to see anyone else....I couldn't anyway with her around so much. I'm investing all this time, money and energy in someone who won't commit to anything. I don't even know how to approach her about it without it sounding like an ultimatum....she's going to take it as me saying "Be my girlfriend or else" I don't want that. I'm more than happy just being her friend. We make great friends, but what we have now is not a normal friendship. | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:17:13 AM | I don't quite understand how you can say "the past is the past"...the kids she had and ones she's about to have will be in your present/future forever!
Yes, as someone mentioned, when you date someone with kids, it is a package deal, it goes without saying...so if you end up breaking up with her in the future,you are breaking up with 5 people actually. Chances are, you would probably end up being more of a dad than her baby daddy's are! Let's look at the worse case scenario...you end up in a relationship with her for a few years...you've bonded with all of her kids so when the relationship ends, you still feel an obligation (from a nurturing and/or financial standpoint). Do you really think the next woman in your life, who could potentially be your wife and who perhaps would want kids with you would put up with that!?! Nooooooooo!
Why are you investing yourself so much in someone who is not willing to commit to you and clearly is pretending to ride both sides of the fence!?! | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:26:23 AM |
I am definiately worried though that she is using me....it didn't start out that way but I think right now she is looking out for #1 and that isn't me. She's got someone to keep her entertained, someone she can talk to, someone to help her and she doesn't have to give anything in return.
Dude...you KNOW this isn't a good situation, but you persist. Your low self esteem is showing through here...it appears that you'll do anything for the attention of a woman. Right now, it's this woman, and she can play you like a well-tuned violin.
Get out. Now. And get some work done on your self esteem.
*** EDIT ***
The only issues here are the fact that I've known her for 7 months and she still can't decide what she wants from me. In the meantime she expects me not to see anyone else....I couldn't anyway with her around so much. I'm investing all this time, money and energy in someone who won't commit to anything.
Why should she commit? She's getting EVERYTHING she wants from you without so much as lifting a finger. And, she expects you not to see anyone else to boot?
After reading this, I know for a fact that your self esteem is in the toilet, and that she IS playing you like a well-tuned violin.
Please...get out of this and get some good books on self esteem. Message me if you want a few good titles that have been helping me out.
Paul ;) | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:48:20 AM | I was just talking to a friend about this and she thinks I'm asking the wrong questions. What I really want is one of two things. I either A) Want to get out of this all together without hurting her seeing as how she has enough to deal with right now and is so emotional anyway or B) I want her to wake up and realize that no matter what she calls it we are in a relationship and she needs to either commit now or agree to be friends with no strings attached and no expectation of help from me.
So there it is....In a nutshell that's what I'm struggling with. | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:49:41 AM | IF I WERE YOU ID RUN FASTER THAT A SNOWBALL MELTS IN HELL........ YOUR BEEN USED MAN AND IF YOU DONT GET OUT NOW YOU WILL BE MILKED DRY WELL BEFORE THE KIDS( WHICH AREN'T YOUR RESPONABILITY BY THE WAY) ARE GROWN UP ENOUGH TO LOOK AFTER THEMSELVES. RUN MAN RUN | |
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toy09
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Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 32 | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 2:25:47 PM |
I want her to wake up and realize that no matter what she calls it we are in a relationship and she needs to either commit now or agree to be friends with no strings attached and no expectation of help from me.
You are clearly defending yourself in your and her poor choices. So basically you're in the quick sand, and will not grab the extended branch as you slowly sink further and further until you are out of options.
In retrospect, and in view of additonal posts...
I think the poster who eluded to the fact that you're using her as much as she's using you has hit on perhaps the surface of what's going on with you. From the above statement, we can safely assume that you are willing to provide your heart and wallet only if she is committed to you in a loving relationship as you understand it. So either she commits now, right now, or you're history? Hmmm...
Don't know about the rest of the folks here, but my friends don't present ultimatums like that. We help each other out because we are friends and care about the others well being when facing times of trouble. Are you holding her as an emotional and financial hostage? Sounds like it to me. You think she's not aware of that? No wonder she doesn't want to commit to you. She's between a rock and hard place.
People who genuinely care for each other, don't act this way whether they're in a loving relationship or simply friends.
You need to question your motives. You're right, she has enough to think about right now, and you aren't helping by putting more pressure on her under the circumstances. | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:17:56 PM | Red Relaxed,
I see what you are saying, but giving her an ultimatum is exactly what I DONT want to do. That's part of the problem. I don't know how to talk to her about this without making it sound like an ultimatum. Am I using her? Maybe on some level. It's nice to be able to help someone and be shown appreciation for it. I usually don't get that. I could do something for most people that would be seen as totally insignifigant or as part of my obligation as a friend....do the same thing for her and it literally brings her to tears. The way things are right now she would never be able to aford to leave her house if not for me, so I am happy to be able to help her in that way. However, I don't think I'm holding her as an emotional or financial hostage....that's not my intention anyway.
If she doesn't want to date me that's fine. That's her choice. I would be more than happy just being her friend. The problem is she doesn't treat me like a friend. We are together almost every evening (she calls me). She doesn't want me talking to or about other women. She is extremely posessive....she always talks about "our money" "our house" "our car"...many of our mutual friends have been led to believe by her that she is pregnant with my kids....she doesn't tell them that, but naturally people assume it and she does absolutely nothing to set the record straight. Everyone assumes she and I are a couple which would be fine if we really were, but according to her we aren't. Now, I'm willing to be just friends....willing to give her time.....whatever, but the present situation needs to change because I can't put my life on hold for her which is what is happening. | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:41:16 PM | OP
If she doesn't want to date me that's fine. That's her choice. I would be more than happy just being her friend. The problem is she doesn't treat me like a friend. We are together almost every evening (she calls me). She doesn't want me talking to or about other women. She is extremely posessive....she always talks about "our money" "our house" "our car".
*shakes head*
You've gotten a lot of good advice here...which you choose to ignore. Good luck to you...you're gonna need LOTS of it.
Paul ;) | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:54:35 PM | OK Bmoore, she goes to tears because she's pregnant... Have you ever spent much time with pregnant women... Emotional basket cases for most of them...
YES, she very well could have been on the pill, missed a couple days, OR took something like antibiotics that made her pill ineffective, two eggs can pop out ta da twins... Sometimes the conditions are right to cause a splitting of the zygote.... End of biology class...
You have to decide WHY you are having a hard time having a conversation... You state you don't know how to approach it... You approach like any other relationship where you want to know where you stand...
You use the, well she has a lot on her plate, and I don't want to pressure her...
THIS SEEMS like you are really fearing what she would say IF she is given an ultimatum, OR what ever title you want to use. Is the real fear is that she will be honest and tell you she likes you as a friend (an overly generous friend, who is a great money tree at the moment) however she will never evolve feelings past that...
THIS IS something YOU have to be honest with your self as to WHY you are not approaching this subject...
You state you would be perfectly fine to be friends, however what YOU are saying in one post, or sentence is a contradiction in another. Perhaps you don't want to see it that way, but you have to be honest with YOURSELF, before you can really get down to asking the RIGHT questions...
You state she seems extremely possessive, I imagine so if things are working well in the fact she isn't really a GF, but she is getting all the trimmings of someone acting like a BF... WHICH that is really what you are doing, minus getting any physical trim...
The thing you have to ask yourself is it OK that she has the best of both worlds, OR her cake and to eat it too???? As well as I said in my original post, you have to grab you big boy pants, and take control of the things YOU DON'T like...
If someone say the two of you are a couple, instead of waiting FOR HER to say that you two aren't... You say you aren't, TELL THEM, we are JUST friends...
Set your friends straight that THIS pregnancy happened before the two of you met...
STOP buying all the niceties that she enjoys, with out having any commitment to you..
Let her know that YOU have a LIFE, and that YOU are going to be dating other women, since she has made it clear you too are just friends...
THIS IS NOT MANIPULATIVE... This is taking control of YOUR life, and letting her know that since she calls you a friend, ok, so be it, we are friends...
Pardon me for being so personal, but are you sleeping with her??? That is someone that is treating you like more, than a friend... Her just getting niceties, and hanging out, and crying when you do nice things, well that is just not more than a friend, but an emotionally pregnant person, that is being wishy washy with what she wants..
Can you ask her if she is WAITING for the father of these babies to come back???
You state you can't put your life on hold forever... SHUG, YOU are doing it to yourself... You have allowed YOUR emotional confusion to believe she holds ALL THIS power, when in reality, she has NO power that you haven't given her...
You have every right to ask her where the two of you stand. That you feel it may be better for the two of you to spend LESS TIME TOGETHER, because it is getting emotionally hard on you... THAT IS YOUR RIGHT TO STATE HOW YOU FEEL...
You have the power to set the record straight, and YOU have to ask yourself why don't I???
You also can ask her if she IS afraid of being involved with you, and if it because of things that have happened in her past with men leaving, OR what ever...
These are things to get things going...
She is not a glass china doll, and that does NOT mean you have to stop being a friend, but as I stated before, an REAL FRIEND lets a person stand up on their own... You have given her a lot of hands up, but there is a point where you are handicapping her...
Best of luck
Edit, you have supported her for 3 or 4 months???? At this moment in time I would be asking when this is going to end...
I am very sure she is happy to have HER MONEY TREE, and is extremely glad she only has to be a "friend" listen to your secrets, and hang with you on YOUR dime...
She was all about making it clear in the start she didn't see you as a BF, and has continued to do so, however she is ALSO very happy to accept the money YOU give her without asking...
A person can't get used without that persons permission... You are indeed being used, and are not wanting to object for what ever fear you have... Sad story indeed... | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 7:05:23 PM | Hi bmoore,
You seem like a level-headed guy, and despite her situation your gal there doesn't sound like a colossal train wreck. On paper the majority opinion here makes a lot of sense. But this isn't paper, and the stereotype on which many are basing their opinions doesn't necessarily reflect this woman's true character.
That said, I think you have the right idea about you having two real options/choices. I sympathize with you not knowing how to approach her. It may be difficult to wait, but she's pregnant. I know when I was pregnant, I wasn't myself, I tended to feel very insecure, vulnerable....and I didn't like it at all. I can't know that it's like that with all women, but just throwing that out there as a possibility.
I can see her point, possibly. She's at a rough point in her life. Perhaps she feels unworthy of you? Guilty? Like she'd be a burden to you, and she doesn't want to do that to you -- subject you to instant family status?
I can see the majority opinion too. Very possible she's one of those who is using you, intentionally or not.
Sorry, I don't know that I have any good advice.  | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 7:24:39 PM | OP,
I found myself in a slightly similar situation in my 30s.
What I learned was:
Help people empower themselves!
Find sources that will help her with her situation: financial aid for schooling, the location of food banks, welfare assistance from the State or Fed., a lawyer that might take her case (child support) for free (think it's called pro bono?), etc....
By doing this, you have helped her. Thus feeling good about yourself.
By doing this, you have enabled her to help herself. If she does, or doesn't, follow-up, you'll have a great prediction of how a future with her would play-out.
Wanting to help is noble. Being taken for a ride is bad for the old self-esteem.
Empower her, then watch her behaviors.
The old adage, "Actions speak louder than words." is one of the most profound bits of advice I have ever come across in my life.
just a few thoughts | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 7:35:43 PM | I dunno darlin'...you really need to find the courage to talk to her as you have expressed yourself here in the forums.
Nexthyme has a really good point about you giving up your power in this situation (for lack of a better description). I didn't get the impression that you've been soley supporting her and her kids for the past few months, only that you provide the outtings and entertainment she cannot otherwise afford. Is that accurate? So she's acting like a SO but isn't comfortable with the label.
A pregnant woman does go through a lot of hormonal ups and downs OP. We can be like constipated wolverines one day, and Betty Boop the next, although I honestly think there is more to this. She sounds quite terrified of committment for whatever reason. If you truly care about her, you are going to have to distance yourself for your sake and hers. To allow this arrangement to continue you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. Yes, take control of your life! Yes, yes, yes!!!
Don't be available every night and go rushing over when she calls. Make other plans. Put on your big boy self confidence pants and stop being the boyfriend she says you aren't. You'll soon find out whether she's in it for the icing or not.
I still think you're nuts, but hey, love ain't easy. And I've done some crazy things in the name of love myself so who am I to judge anyone else?
All the best to you. | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 7:40:18 PM | Alrightythen seems to be to be the only one who understands my viewpoint on this. The girl is an emotional trainwreck right now. Forget the money situation, I am the only real friend she has. I simply don't know how to discuss this with her without it sounding like and ultimatum or at least making her feel like crap. I want her to feel like she can come to me. She needs that. At the same time I need a personal life outside of her. I have feelings for her, I would love to date her, but if that's not what she wants that's fine. But if friends is all she wants then the current situation needs to change drastically. I just don't know how to approach the subject. I want her to understand my point of view, but I don't want to ruin our friendship, scare her off, upset her or anything else.
To answer a couple questions....no I am not sleeping with her. When we first met I was but once she found out she was pregnant the whole dating thing ended and it became purely a friendship. As far as the kid's fathers are concerned, she has a restraining order against her curren't kid's father. He lives out of state and she has no contact with him. He does pay child support but it isn't much. The father of the babies she's currently pregnant with doesn't think they are his.....He thinks they are mine and until a paternity test is done he isn't going to belive otherwise. Whether or not he'll help her or not I have no idea, but she wants nothing to do with him and he wants nothing to do with her. | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 7:52:27 PM | Well she is full of hormones and stress so she probably is not acting like herself at this moment.
I think that what your doing is wonderful but don't forget about yourself in this equasion . You want someone who can appreciate you for the good person you are. | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/9/2009 7:58:00 PM |
rightythen seems to be to be the only one who understands my viewpoint on this. The girl is an emotional trainwreck right now. Forget the money situation, I am the only real friend she has. I simply don't know how to discuss this with her without it sounding like and ultimatum or at least making her feel like crap. I want her to feel like she can come to me. She needs that. At the same time I need a personal life outside of her. I have feelings for her, I would love to date her, but if that's not what she wants that's fine. But if friends is all she wants then the current situation needs to change drastically. I just don't know how to approach the subject. I want her to understand my point of view, but I don't want to ruin our friendship, scare her off, upset her or anything else.
OP--my father always said to fight fair with someone who's obviously slower than I am.
So I'm going to fight fair and resist the urge to come find you and beat the crap out of you.
You are more than willing to excuse every single thing she does every single time. You first start out saying you KNOW the woman is playing you and now you're all wishy washy "but she needddddddddddddddddddssssssssssss me" 
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN?
Never mind...it's like talking to a damn wall that's on a motorcycle. You'll be back, whining about how she is now claiming those kids are yours, and blah, blah, whine, whine, bullcrap.
My father also said to never be "book smart and common sense stupid."
Make of that what you want. | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/10/2009 12:02:31 AM | OHHHH Bmoore, I am sorry I thought you wanted suggestions, NOT people to agree with you...
I gave you an out... Which is stop doing all the nice things... Let her come to you...As like the other poster so eloquently put it, and I was saying, teach her to stand up for her self... A real friend does not just FIX everything... They give the person things to empower themselves...
I have stated repeatedly, that perhaps she is a "crazy pregnant" person... However pregnant creatures are able to survive through ALLLLLLL the things that happen in daily life... SURE she is preggers with twins, but once again that doesn't make her a China doll, unable to be spoken to about YOUR feelings...
Sure she's an emotional train wreck, hell I was an emotional trainwreck when I was single and preggers with my second child... However I was NOT manipulative about my situation, I went to school and got an education...
I asked what your fear was...
I want her to understand my point of view, but I don't want to ruin our friendship, scare her off, upset her or anything else.
So when two more babies come along, and the how old are the first twins??? Are running around wanting mommies undivided attention between FOUR kids, are you still going to say, she's an emotional train wreck... I can't talk to her, she needs my help, and support, and I can't tell her about any girls I may be interested in, and in fact I think my parts are falling off from lack of use...
POINT, there is NOT going to be any good time, now or in the future... Especially for the future, cause she is still going to need all sorts of help, and according to you she doesn't have any REAL friends...
I am the only real friend she has. (hmmmm makes a person wonder why, no judgment, just wondering)
It would seem pretty clear if she had an early sonogram and knows the due date, which now is pretty accurate, as to whether you are the father or she was preggers before the two of you met...
SO once again going with "I need some advice on a weird situation"... I don't expect you to agree, because you are asking for some sort of advice, OR you just want to complain, WHICH I will gladly listen to as well...Meh ok maybe not so much...
You stop doing the nice stuff, you stop being over so much, and acting like her BF on YOUR end... Give her the numbers to twin support groups, Welfare, and what ever else financial aid she can get...
Get out and start having a life IF you are too worried to talk to her... Be willing to sit down and tell her that since SHE has repeatedly told you that YOU are just a friend, that you are needing to have a life as well...
Let her know you care about her very much, and will be there, and perhaps her friends will take the time to be real... OR MAYBE you just want to grump that she doesn't want to date you, and you are willing to sell your soul for her...
Trust me, a woman can be resourceful if need be especially when it comes to taking care of their young.. Of course she probably won't get to have her own reality tv show, but it doesn't seem to be all that great of a trade off...
Good luck, cause this is one of those situation where YOU are the one holding yourself hostage to this gals demands... She may be the nicest lady in the world, BUT if she isn't your GF, and you know she just sees you as a friend, are REALLY generous one Then you are devoting your life to someone that isn't in to you... | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:45:33 AM | | i do not use the "codependent" word freely, but you are pretty much fitting into the category. either you are friends or intimate partners. if she is not available for a full relationship and you stay on, paying bills and playing at daddy no less, then clearly you are not available for one either. just say it's her fault! a true relationship would not have these "doubts" given the unique situation at hand. in a true relationship, you would be partners and would also be able to confide in each other. search your innards and ask why you don't seem to think you deserve the whole thing. since you admit to being sexual with her prior to the pregnancy, apparently the cessation has "your hormones" running the show. she's made her position clear. also, is there a possibility that these ARE your babies? how do you know they are the prior guy's? dna test? | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/10/2009 7:49:03 AM | You have said it all yourself. She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you. You buy things for the babies and you pay her bills. Why would she want anyone else to get their hooks into you, and ruin her good thing? If you really want an honest opinion? You are being used, and she doesn't want you getting involved with someone else, who might put a stop to you financing her. I know you didn't ask for this opinion, but I'm going to give it to you anyway. She's in a situation that's of her own doing. She makes crappy choices that have put her in this position. It's not your job to bail her out of it. She can go after her "baby daddies" for child support, it's not your responsibility. You have already gone above and beyond, IMO.
Stop taking her out and spending money on her, paying her bills, and see how long it takes for her to drop you like a hot brick. | |
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| I need advice on a weird situation
Posted: 6/10/2009 8:09:50 AM | What I cannot understand here is why people are still commenting on the OPs post.
He obviously has his mind made up and is not going to change it regardless of what people tell him. He enjoys his fantasy world so I say let him stay there. However, we all know reality is going to take a nice chunk out of his a$$ sooner rather than later.  | |
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