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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/11/2009 10:53:42 AM | Laughing....can't post the alternate word for drinks.
Cocktails. Libations. 
Oh...must have been a space issue on my first post. I did mention I missed sex...must be on my mind and fingers went another way. *smiling* | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/11/2009 12:19:21 PM |
There is so much good in having a steady partner and love. But it does take a while to get there.
Agree! Your whole post was awesome.
People confuse dating and really getting to know someone with committed relationships that include sex.
It's almost as if we need a whole new vocabulary to eliminate the confusion. I'll blame POF here, in a nice way, because we are forced to choose terms on our profiles that essentially have NO clear meaning. On the other hand, can't blame them since we all can't reach consensus on what the terms mean anyway!
Respited, did you get the first date that you wanted? | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/11/2009 9:36:02 PM | I think it’s very interesting that most “people” who think it’s OK to date around seem to share the same narrow and somewhat egocentric view that it’s them that is getting all the action…… I wonder how they’d feel about it when it’s the other way around. And if you’re both so busy playing the field what’s the point?
Overall the practice a little inconsiderate and insulting; as if they’re saying you’re not important enough for me to give you my full attention. Not unlike trying to have a conversation with someone who is more intent on watching the television. And it borders on infuriating how quickly some will call a woman “psycho” or a man “controlling” because they demand a little focus. Where is the loyalty, the consideration, the respect, even for yourself?
Relationships, even a simple little “mini-relationship” like going out for dinner or to a movie with someone, requires your attention, in all fairness, your full attention. Do you want your date carrying on a conversation with a member of the opposite sex at the next table, flirting/exchanging numbers with the waiter/waitress, talking on their cell phone to someone else? I doubt it. So in what specific zip code of this Twilight Zone is it OK for anyone to just do whatever with whoever and whenever they feel like? Try acting like that at work, in front of your boss, can you say “unemployed”?
To paraphrase numerous people: We have more than one friend, we don’t just test drive one car, etc. Are you frigging kidding me? Hopefully you’re not considering ever sleeping with your friends a possibility and dates are not cars, it’s a stupid comparison. If you don’t agree, remember that the next time you feel compelled to ask someone “So, who was that?” and they reply “Oh, just a friend.” Or better yet, try this as a pick-up line, “Hey baby, how about a test drive?”
Newsflash: it was never OK for guys to do it; they’re dogs, only out for one thing, afraid of commitment, players, oh I’m sorry, “playas”. Women are sluts, teases, flakes, gold diggers, hoes, tramps, etc. I guess that means that whichever team you’re playing for, it’s against the rules as far as the other team is concerned. What happened to ideas like “Do unto others….” and “treat people the way you want to be treated.”?
I don’t ask someone out on a date or accept an invitation myself unless I’m interested in them. Whether they accept or ask I think it’s a fair assumption that they are interested in me. I am not just bored, have nothing better to do, waiting for something better to come along, want a free meal, etc. I am obligated to this person, to respect them as another human being, to be mindful that they have feelings too. And give them my undivided and honest attention for as long as the date lasts, for as long as I continue to date them, until such time as we get to know each other well enough that we both want to take it farther, or one of us decides to stop entirely.
To each his own, but if you never have a decent relationship it’s because you never took anyone seriously and they were just returning the favor. Or they heard all about you before you even said hello….
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:30:55 AM |
Why does a relationship have to become exclusive at the 3rd (or whatever) date or (heaven forbid) after a certain number of days have gone by?
Not everyone who is hoping to find a long term commitment makes said commitment after the “third” or a certain “magical” number of dates. There IS a difference between DATING EXCLUSIVELY to see if a great initial connection might have relationship POTENTIAL, and jumping the gun into a “relationship” with a stranger you’ve only dated a couple of times.
It's no wonder so many people are single for SO LONG nowadays, when you have to spend months getting to know somebody encumbered in an exclusive relationship. When it doesn't work out, you have to start all over again at square one, all of which takes so freaking much time!
And it's no wonder so many people have bad pickers. At this rate, it takes a life time to improve.
Ultimately, I am looking for a long term commitment; and I already know “who I am” and “what I want”, so I don’t need, nor would I want to date a cadre of suitors simultaneously to improve my “picker”. I prefer to focus on one suitor at a time; we meet, perhaps date a couple of times, and then we MOVE ON if there is no connection. If I am fortunate enough to find someone with potential, then it will NOT be an encumbrance to begin DATING exclusively. In fact, I would surmise that we will be overjoyed and eager to focus our attentions solely on each other to see if our initial connection can develop into something more.
It seems like the dating model is now: answer a gazillion questions. If you make the "cut", then you go out on a date. If the "chemistry" is there on the date, you go out a few more times. If those go well, you then become "exclusive". Then, inevitably, because it takes time to really get to know someone, something goes wrong and the entire process starts all over again. WTF? At this rate, it's going to take decades for me to not only improve my picker but to find a mate.
If you eventually hope to find a life mate, then I fail to see how dating a cadre of men simultaneously is going to prevent the inevitable: AT SOME POINT, you’re going to HAVE to narrow the playing field down to ONE suitor and become “encumbered” in exclusivity. You will ALSO have to face the possibility that if “something goes wrong” the entire process is going to start all over again. Whether or not you dated a bunch of men simultaneously before you met the one with potential is immaterial; “dating around” does NOT shorten the time consuming process of getting to know that one guy with potential. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:47:29 AM |
I would like to date around, as long as I don't also get accused of sleeping around,
If you're happy with yourself - don't worry what someone who doesn't 'know' you says.
OT - I think many of us do "date around" .. it doesn't mean 'sleeping with' .. 
I think it’s very interesting that most “people” who think it’s OK to date around seem to share the same narrow and somewhat egocentric view that it’s them that is getting all the action…… I wonder how they’d feel about it when it’s the other way around. And if you’re both so busy playing the field what’s the point?
Why do 'some' people equate "dating" around with "Sleeping" around??? .. unless of course .. that's 'their' style... ???
"Playing the field"??? huh??
IMO - that "sleeping with" thing happens when both parties have decided to become Exclusive. That doesn't happen (for me) after a few short Dates!! I like to get to "know" a person before I 'sleep' with them .. gotta know they're the type of person I'm not going to regret giving 'it' up to ..
I too think it a little creepy, possessive, controlling and insecure to think "we" should be exclusive after a Few dates .. rather "high schoolish" if you ask me .. the 'jealous' type always sends me runnin the other way ..
...
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:31:50 AM | yna6 said;
GUys try to keep it to themsleves if they are dating around, or else he will lose the whole bunch because they will lable him a skank.
Same with women. Besides....this goes to the old "who's sleeping with who" and what are they bringing to bed with them? Yuck! You can never be positive they are NOT sleeping around...but you sure can be careful. These diseases can kill you now...need a lot more than a shot at the local free clinic to clear up that rash, eh?
This man would not lose me and I certainly would not call him anything other than trying to find the right woman. But I am assuming here that he is not being intimate with any of them otherwise to me he is a player.
The way to date around is to keep it casual. To me becoming intimate with someone is a commitment and not one to be taken lightly.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:59:00 AM | The way to date around is to keep it casual. To me becoming intimate with someone is a commitment and not one to be taken lightly.
Well said, Cat! I agree. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/9/2009 2:13:20 PM | | It is very expensive to date around, don't you think? Aren't you saying that because you are dating around, then due to time and money issues, it may be a long time until you see a person twice? That would shoot every potential relationship in the foot. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/9/2009 2:48:03 PM |
The way to date around is to keep it casual. To me becoming intimate with someone is a commitment and not one to be taken lightly.
Well said, Cat! I agree.
When we are young we are stupid and don't know what we are doing, so dating lots of people might make sense. If at this age and after 3 dates with me you aren't willing to dedicate a little time for the two of us to see if there is anything there, then guess what? There isn't anything there. I'm not saying you should know if it's going to work long term but you ought to be able to at least know if it's worth the effort to find out. If after 3 dates with me you still want to date other guys, I know what I need to know. Homey don't play that game.
Here I am doing that Barbie wave saying bu bye. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:18:23 PM | "dating" around with multiple people at the same time is okay if that's what the people involved want to do. there is a huge risk nowdays ... because "dating" has come to mean cheap, easy sex.
if there is no expectation of getting laid, then "dating" does indeed go back to the old-fashioned, "we're just having fun, getting to know each other, sharing activities," type of thing.
but, if it wasn't about sex, then most men would not have a physical appearance that was mandatory! big tits, Playboy centerfold, blonde, size 2, etc.
the simple fact remains that the world has convinced women they are at a disadvantage. that it is only men who get to pick and subsequently many women don't know what to do to avoid settling for someone who is not worth it! | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/10/2009 7:51:27 PM | Dating around ended when sex became more casual.... If without the sexual issue I would never continue to date a women that didn't want to date exclusively. This may not happen after two or three dates. How many of your married friends or friends in solid long term relationships dated around after meeting their mate. Not many I am willing to bet. How would you feel as a man or women to invite someone that you were real starting to like to have them explain they can't be they have a date. I am not talking week one but at some point in time my guess is the feeling would not be good.
I say date one at a time if it does not seem right move on or as some say NEXT | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/10/2009 8:43:14 PM | | I sometimes date more than one person at a time and no, I don't tell them right away. That is not information they need to know on the first or second date. Now if the dating continues beyond a second date or so, or becomes intimate, I will share that information. And them sometimes, like now, I go for months without dating anyone. That is the ebb and flow of lfe, because when dating around doesn't equate to sleeping around, often there is no second date. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/10/2009 11:59:37 PM | | Did I miss something? I never ‘dated around.’ Whenever I dated when I was younger it was only ever with one man at a time NEVER ‘multiple people AT THE SAME TIME.’ To me, and this is just my opinion, dating infers a certain exclusivity. Nothing has changed as far as I’m concerned. If I’m dating, it’s only with one man at a time. Anything more is too complicated and just doesn’t feel right to me. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 6:10:10 AM | I never dated around either. And never will. I think that once I see someone I want to get to know with the idea that maybe she is "the one", I get tunnel vision and focus on just her. Ever since I can remember, the whole process of dating was to find that one woman I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. I can remember the first date with my first wife. She said she was thinking about becoming a Nun. I told her that is to bad since this will be the last date. I explained to her that for me dating was the process of finding that one woman to share life with; And since she might become a Nun, there was no point in dating her. Of course she winked and said, " well if that's the case, I might change my mind about being a Nun". Of course today I wish she chose to be a Nun!
Well darn it! Made me really think back. After the 5 year marriage I did spend about 3 years in what you could call dating around. So I take back my opening statement. lol
After the pain of a divorce, I became a devout bachelor and just knew I'd never love again. So yes, yo made me think. I did date several women at a time. Even had those FWB women and those that were just casual no strings attached relationships. But I was kidding myself. I never did well on my own. Always the life of the party, always came across as happy go lucky with anyone I came in contact with. But what no one saw was the loneliness that set in as soon as a night on the town was over. Funny how I could be laughing and having a ball and at the end of the night open the door to my empty home and feel so alone and as empty as the house. It was not home...just a house.
So now I date only to find that one. And I do that one at a time. The only difference is after my recent heartbreak after 3 years, I can cut them out after one date...maybe two or three. I'm chosey... more so then ever before. If I see a negative thing now, it's all over. So far, that's how it's been. But to date around, will not work for me.
If I meet a woman that says she is dating around or hints she is seeing others, she won't be dating me. I don't do the competition thing and refuse to be one of her many dates all in the same month. I see no point in dating if it is not to find the one and only. And a woman needs to know that before accepting a date with me. She has to have the same mind set or it's not happening.
When I read profiles that say "DATING" instead of "LONG TERM". I just pass it by. That is unless I read something that gives me a hint she is really looking for long term.
I realize many women are afraid to say they really want long term out of fear of running guys off. But do they want the ones that want to just a date? And we all know what most men really want. Just sex and then good bye.
I for one don't like this dating thing. But realize it is a necessary step in finding my next love.
I'm one of those that is on a dating site just to get the hell off of it. Am I that alone in this? | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 6:24:21 AM |
I'm one of those that is on a dating site just to get the hell off of it. Am I that alone in this?
Nope, you are definitely not alone. But I do think some of us (not all of us) are here because we didn't take the time to really get to know the persons we have dated in the past. And being over 45, the clock is ticking, so a lot of us seem to be in a huge hurry to settle down without taking that time. And then we end up back, once again, on a dating website.
I wish I had the answers. All I seem to ever find are more questions! | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 6:53:54 AM | Yes, I can see what you mean, But right or wrong, I trust my judgement and don't need to date a bunch of women to know when I have found the right one. I am very aware that my desire to findd the right one makes me vulnerable to falloing for the wrong woman and to fast, so my guard is up and I take the time to really think about what I may be feeling. I have to be careful with my emotions or attraction to a woman. But still, the dating around thing is not for me and I can't focus on more then one woman at a time.
Like you, I wish I had the answers. And I know what you mean about more questions.
As for the guys that date around, they get labeled as players. A lable I never want associated with me. And for the women, they get labeled as someone just looknig for a free dinner! lol
Oh what's it all about Alfie?  | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 10:17:45 AM | Some people are just in different points in their lives. Dating can mean company and friendship. It can mean looking for Mr. Right. It can also mean sex.
I am a hopeless romantic and always think that everyone else is, too. Having been involved in serial monogamy for most of my adult life, it is sometimes nice just to be appreciated, without the added emphasis of restrictions on my time and feelings. So, for me, going a little slow is good. If slow means that I spend my time with a few people, getting to know each of them, without the sex issue, then it is good. Would I like to be exclusive, yes, but it would take a lot. I really don't want at this point to have an idea of what I want, and then try to put someone into that image. That might work for people who tend to know exactly what works for them.
Life is too broad and people too fascinating to fit into my narrow, finite image of Mr. Perfect. (Of course I have one, just don't know how much of the image is from romance novels.) And as far as sleeping with people, well we all have desires and needs as human beings.
I prefer to go on a date with someone and then judge if I wish to take the meeting further. It really is a case by case situation with me.
M | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 10:37:37 AM | I started to say "damm she is smart to be in her 20's".
Then viewed your profile.
Woman you look so young!
I think because we were taught it is "slutty" even if we aren't intimate.
We need some new teachers.
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 10:45:09 AM | Good post, OP. I use this 'herd mentality' as a dating filter, which works well for me.
I want to date- have the guy make the initial plans, go on a bonafide date and have fun.
I only see these men- so when the 'others' approach me, it does the weeding out for me.
I don't buy into it. There are no rules- just what each person wants and what the other
wants, respectively, collaboratively, or what have you. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:35:34 AM | | I think dating around is OK, as long as you constantly check in with your SOs and tell them how you're feeling. Constant communication keeps the other and yourself apprised of the status quo and from getting hurt. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:41:09 AM | My reason for not doing it is that I just don't have time for it.
I'm willing to go have lunch with just about anyone - at least once. If that's "dating around", ok, fine.
But as soon as I start getting emotionally-invested in seeing someone then there's a pretty serious diversion of time and resource that goes into that.
When I was 20 I pretty much went to work, slept, and the rest of the time was to party or whatever. It made sense then.
But I'm not 20 any more. I have a kid with me full-time, I have business interests to look after, and my pool of available time has shrunk a lot. I have therefore gone from preferring quality to quantity.
Its not intentional, its just a function of where things are in my life. When my daughter goes off to college and I'm no longer a primary caretaker and parent that time division will shift again, and I suspect (if I'm still single) I'll be far more interested in a "let's do dinner" thing without anything else beyond or behind it. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:52:03 AM | Anjelic!
May the gods that be send many fine things your way!!! Thanks for the wonderful compliment. It always helps to have a good photographer!?! LOL
M | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 12:00:27 PM | | In the days of our folks, dating around was acceptable and respectable, but in these times the connotation of "dating around" too often infers sleeping around, and who amongst us wouldn't find fidelity in a partner with aspirations for the long term desirable? I don't find the inference fair myself, but in these times can see why prospective partners may wonder. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 12:19:56 PM |
What ever happened to dating around? I did a quick Google search, and I find that this term has now come to mean "pimping around". I think we've lost something that The Greatest Generation had: back in the day, everybody knew the end result was marriage, and they dated multiple people AT THE SAME TIME. The only way to improve your picker is to date lots of people, figure out who you are and what you want.
Why does a relationship have to become exclusive at the 3rd (or whatever) date or (heaven forbid) after a certain number of days have gone by? It's no wonder so many people are single for SO LONG nowadays, when you have to spend months getting to know somebody encumbered in an exclusive relationship. When it doesn't work out, you have to start all over again at square one, all of which takes so freaking much time!
And it's no wonder so many people have bad pickers. At this rate, it takes a life time to improve.
It seems like the dating model is now: answer a gazillion questions. If you make the "cut", then you go out on a date. If the "chemistry" is there on the date, you go out a few more times. If those go well, you then become "exclusive". Then, inevitably, because it takes time to really get to know someone, something goes wrong and the entire process starts all over again. WTF? At this rate, it's going to take decades for me to not only improve my picker but to find a mate.
What ever happened to dating around?
I quite agree with you, and I find the new way kind of alarming. I think that in a few years, people will expect lifetime monogamy after having lunch together.
I don't agree with the people who say that dating around has become screwing around. Dating around has been screwing around for every generation; it's just that previous generations didn't let their kids find out about it.
However, there are a number of things about this Greatest Generation stuff and previous generations that you're leaving out:
1) It was almost impossible to get divorced, except for infidelity. Even that was difficult. Extramarital affairs that did not threaten the economic security of the household were widely permitted.
2) There was no concept of marital rape (as there is not in Afghanistan today). Sex was considered a duty within marriage, and women were not protected for refusing it.
3) Domestic violence was expected and wasn't taken seriously until the 1970s.
4) Ditto for beating children. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 7/12/2009 12:44:23 PM | I've had an experience with this recently. I was talking on the phone with a potential customer. lol Anyway he needed me to assure him that I was not dating around. I attempted to explain that although I was talking with different ones and meeting some that I didn't considered it to be "dating around".
I know of no other way to get to know folks than to meet with them. That's how it works in my dating world anyway! | |
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