| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:35:00 PM | Isn't it curious that the most of the guys say tell him and the women say let it go?
You're agreeing to be a best man in an abomination of a marriage. We've all seen how these relationships go, we know it won't hit the 5 year mark. WE KNOW IT
Now the idea of a pre-nup is the best one offered. Suggest it to him due to the extreme disparity of incomes between the two parties as an insurance policy and self-preservation. After all, he already knows he can get nothing out of her and she knows she can get EVERYTHING out of him.
He'll likely prod you on why you're recommending this. You can honestly say "You're my friend and I care about you. I don't want to see you hurt by circumstances you can't expect." and leave it at that.
I couldn't be in someone's wedding knowing what you know and believing what you believe. I would either have to opt out or spill my guts, possibly both. You've knowingly let your friend make a life altering decision that is going to end up badly emotionally and possibly financially. What kind of friend does that make you?
You have to do something, saying and doing nothing is not an option. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:37:02 PM | I'm just curious..is the only reason this is an issue for you now that she doesn't want you guys around?
If it is..cause you didn't seem worried about her being with him before you stated that fact, then its wrong to tell in my humble opinion. He was ok to date her, move in with her, and lie to on her behalf but now that she does not want you there its not alright? Living common law she could already take him for all he's worth, he doesn't have to marry her for that.
Personally it sounds more like your problem not his, not hers. He makes his own choices to allow her to call the shots. So what if she is just a waitress...she doesn't deserve a guy who makes money???? Also, who cares if she is a ****...he obviously doesn't.
I think your motives are a bit off...guilt maybe and some anger over losing a friend, which will happen anyway if you tell him. Why not let sleeping dogs lie. You have no proof that she is cheating on him now that they are together and as a friend to dredge this up now will only cause a total loss of all friends and lots of unnecessary commotion.
To me, you had your chance, now just be there as a friend and continue to offer support..when he needs it. If you can't be his best man then don't but if you do tell the truth then say good bye to him right then and there. | |
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ATPase
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Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 28 | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:42:51 PM |
Now the idea of a pre-nup is the best one offered. Suggest it to him due to the extreme disparity of incomes between the two parties as an insurance policy and self-preservation. After all, he already knows he can get nothing out of her and she knows she can get EVERYTHING out of him.
Actually, WE don't know that "he can get nothing out of her and she knows she can get EVERYTHING out of him." We only know what the OP told us. Hell, this woman's family could be richer than stink and she'll be up for one helluvan inheritance one day, yanno?
Besides....with the OP stating his friend "will be very rich 20 years down the road"....
Really, 20 years down the road? Assuming he doesn't get shmucked by a bus between now and then, how can anyone say just WHAT this young man will be doing or earning 20 years down the road? Seems like a pyss-poor waste of a life to me, if this gal is assumed to be such a gold digger that she'd waste 20 years of her life *hoping* this man eventually becomes a millionaire so she can get her payday from him? 
Geez, the guy's been dating her for years, according to the OP. And, years later, the OP is wondering if he should have come clean to his buddy about her possible cheating.
It's really none of his damned business if *HE* thinks the marriage is suitable or not. Otherwise I'm sure not many couples would ever get married. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:51:38 PM |
Hell, this woman's family could be richer than stink and she'll be up for one helluvan inheritance one day, yanno?
So that's why she's working a $300 a week job and living with him? Oh yeah, I forgot, heiresses love to work $300 a week jobs.
Besides if her family has money he has no way of attaching that in a divorce proceeding. In the case that she stands to inherit a colossal sum later in life a pre-nup would protect both parties assets present and future, not just one.
Again, you'll notice the disparity in responses by gender on this topic. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:01:18 PM | So he has money and she keeps working anyway at her demoralizing little job even though he pays her way on everything. Yup sounds like a gold digger to me.
Years later as the above poster said YOU decide she is no longer good for him..years later after YOU lied to him...SHORTLY AFTER she didn't want 'the guys' around.
You are getting awfully mad at opinions that don't confirm that you should spill the beans, so GO AHEAD...do it. You didn't have the guts to do it when it mattered so go ahead do it now..ruin his own happiness so that you can feel better about it. It's the only logical decision to make. She will move HIM out of the house and collect her share of their 'COMMON LAW' relationship both will be devastated and you will have lost a friend cause he doesn't respect you anymore and he'll blame you for his misery.
Good luck with that, keep us informed..you'll definitely be sleeping better at the end of it all LOL | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:06:39 PM |
Again, you'll notice the disparity in responses by gender on this topic
Again...you'll note that we only have the OP's word that "in 20 years" his buddy might be a millionaire.
Again...pyss-poor investment on her part, if she has to wait 20 years for a return on her investment with no guarantees that he won't get schmucked by a bus tomorrow, no?
Not to mention, how does the OP even know how much his buddy earns?
Dayum...from the sounds of it, we have several possible millionaires "in 20 years" on POF in this thread alone....why else would one figure that a man's girlfriend, that he's been dating for years and is now marrying, obviously MUST be a gold-digger and nothing else?
And BTW....I highly recommend pre-nups as well. For both men AND women. Especially for the women, when there are evidently so many "future millionaires" in the works.....you know, just in case things don't pan out for these men who brag that "20 years down the road I'll be"....... Puhleeze.
So many Midases apparently on POF...lmao.
And again...WHY is the OP even worried about this at this late date? His friend has been dating this woman for years now....if his friend was truly a friend, he would have been honest with him years ago about her *possible* indiscretion.
And that WAS the original question, no?
Cheers  | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:19:06 PM | If you listen to these women who are saying you can't tell him now because you've waited this long, you're a moron in my eyes.
Maybe he didn't tell his friend she was banging his friend is because he thought the relationship would fizzle out.
I'd grow a set and tell him.
If my friend was in that situation I would tell him everything now before he makes a mistake.
Women are obsessed with marriage and probably are jealous they aren't landing a dude like him so that's why every woman on here is saying not to tell him. He makes a ton of money, provides a house for her, and is barely there to try to bang her. If that's not most womens fantasy husband I don't know what is.
IF YOU AINT NO PUNK, HOLLA WE WANT PRE-NUP, WE WANT PRE-NUP! | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:23:36 PM | So you want to ruin your friend's life because she "won't let" him pal around with the likes of you?
You're upset the she lied about something you've ALL been lying about??
You lied because you're all a bunch of wussies and didn't have the guts to talk about it.
You're worse than she is-- she had a fling when the relationship was broken up.
You and your pals are the ones being disloyal.
Butt out and continue to keep your collective mouths shut. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:37:27 PM | Ok...aside from gut feelings, you really have nothing to go on here.
1. She was allowed to sleep with someone else while they were separated. Separated means 'not together'. Technically, it isn't even any of your business. Also, might it not be a sign of how she cares for the boyfriend, that she went back to him instead of getting serious with the fling?
2. Dude. Some people are going to be financially well off. That doesn't mean that anyone making less than them shouldn't try to date them. So rich people shouldn't date anyone else but the exceptionally wealthy in order to be sure no one's gold-digging them? It's ridiculous...not-so-subtly accusing her of gold-diggering based on circumstantial evidence.
3. You don't know that he doesn't love her. By y0ur own comments, you haven't spent much time with him at all in the past yay-how-long. You can never know what's really happening between two people. He thought about it for a long time, as you said. Clearly, he took his time in deciding, and he decided he wanted to marry her.
4. I would pitch a fit if you hung around my fellah, talking crap about me as well. Yep, darn right I wouldn't like it.
Now, if you see her acting suspiciously with other men while he's out at the oil rig...take pictures! Is she hanging out with them in a coffee shop, or is she taking them home at 2am? There's a big difference.
I just don't think your objection to their marriage is entirely on the up and up. If I knew you better, I'd say there's a jealousy thing going on here. Or it could be pure hatred that she doesn't 'let' (I mean, come on, if he really wanted to hang with you, she couldn't stop him) him hang with you anymore. Solution? Stop trying to split them up and stop talking crap. If she genuinely does something wrong, THEN tell him. If, like I suspect, you just have a bad feeling and are reaching for some justification for those feelings, let him know you have a bad feeling about her and leave it at that. It's not your job to make his decisions. It's your job to support his decisions. | |
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Jim978
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Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 37 | |
| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:37:36 PM |
not only that but i have information that he is unaware of that i feel he needs to know. towards the beginning of their relationship, while they were briefly separated, she slept with one of his friends. repeatedly. and lied about it. actually, all of his friends know what happened. and none of us have the guts to tell him. i think this is why she acts the way she does. she knows that we all know what she did and is trying to drive us out of the circle so that we won't tell him. that or she feels so guilty that she hates herself and takes it out on him.
So... just out of curiosity and in order to address the thread... Are YOU the "friend" she slept with? | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:39:58 PM | If I were the OP, I would accidently refer to the time the couple parted, and accidently drop the bomb. I am terrible at keeping secrets, and sometimes secrets just fall right outta my mouth...LOL...just ask him if they ever run into 'that guy she dated while they broke up'...and ask him if it bothers him that she dated someone else while they were broken up. Then, it is you showing concern...not coming off as blabbing a secret. When buddy shows his surprise, you say you thought he knew...because everyone else does. If he doesnt act surprised, you know he already knows...but either way, you have given him enough info for him to at least ask some serious questions.
Seriously OP, put yourself in your buddies shoes. Would you want to find out after you wed stuff like you say happened? Would you feel good knowing all your friends felt you were making a huge mistake, and didnt think enough of you to say something? What if they have a child, and then he finds out and leaves...now a child is from a broken home too. I think your friend should know all the facts before marrying...and a ball gets put into motion that is difficult to stop. It is a lot easier now, that for sure. Truth has a way of surfacing, and you can help him big time by making sure this all surfaces before the friend says I do. JMO | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:40:00 PM |
I think it sounds like you are jealous OP. He wants to be with her, he chose her over you guys. You aren't happy with that. Are you gay or bi?
Eschec mat, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 5:24:28 PM | I actually had to go check the age of the OP and am floored that, at age 29, he's immature enough to interfere in a relationship that's none of his business. It's a bit strange to come across this thread today, as I had a very similar conversation with my 16-yr old grandson last night. He was ranting and raving about some girl who had gone out with someone else when she was split up from her boyfriend and they they got back together and she didn't tell him about it. My advice to him - and to the OP - is that it's NOT your business. Besides, you already betrayed your friend by lying to him in the first place. In the second place, was she supposed to sit around whinging, grizzling and having Victorian fainting spells because they were split up? She got on with her life. So she and your friend got back together and now you're all in a big tizzy because she slept with someone else when they were split up? HUH?????? I really don't understand why you think that's such a big deal. They weren't together when that happened. DUH!! It would be a different story if they hadn't been split up when she did it.
I heard a very wise man say many years ago, when he was asked if he thought his wife was cheating: "So, tell me, would you really miss one slice out of a loaf of bread?"
You know, when people enter a relationship, their main focus should be on their partner - not their friends. As people mature, they outgrow the need to be constantly hanging out with their bro's and gf's. I can readily see why she objects to his hanging out with you - you dislike her and she knows it. You are NOT privy to what actually goes on between the two of them in private, so you are not the best judge of whether or not she will make him a good wife. Give your friend a break and support his choices or you will be the one out in the cold.
I find this kind of behaviour very immature. I hope, OP, that when you find a woman you want to marry that you don't subscribe to the "Bro's before ho's" mentality I see so often exhibited by young men. It will guarantee you a trip to the divorce court. If you don't believe me, I'll give you my ex's phone number and you can ask him.  | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 6:10:49 PM | SevenShields, RE: Message #40
I agree with your post. Really doesn't make any sense.
Read my post # 13, i really think the OP needs to take care of business that he should have taken some time ago.
Also, sometimes both guys and girls don't open their mouths and tell certain things to their friends because they realize there is a chance that the bf/gf relationship won't work out so maybe they don't have to say anything and risk their friendship with the guy in this case.
Also, this girl according to the OP is basically eliminating her bf's friends little by little and guys that are whipped and under the influence of b*tches usually don't realize some of this stuff until something goes wrong in the relationship and he starts opening up his eyes and all of a sudden realizes his friends are gone.
This crap happens with women too.
It's just a matter of people having control issues.... | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 6:28:56 PM | If he were my son I would I would tell you to stay out of his business.
He is a grown man that is making his own choices. He apparently loves her, is willing to accept her bossiness, and faults and would rather be with her than with you. Her financial status, what she did while separated from him and her controlling ways are none of your business. Do you believe that your friend after months at a time on an oil derrick didn't hook up with a local lady once or twice?
You chose to lie. No one forced you and you for some reason felt that it was in his best interest NOT to tell the truth. You may feel she is not the best wife material but do your actions show you are a good friend?
Her strength, independence, self assuredness and moxie may tell him that she can handle the home while he is away. He can trust her not to panic or get taken advantage of when he is gone. Past is past and he future is now. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 6:55:39 PM |
A lie is a lie is a lie no matter how well dressed it is. You and others LIED to him, for HER. That was your first mistake. Your next mistake will be in bringing it up NOW when you shoulda brought it up THEN. For all intent and purpose - the fling is ancient history now, and a dead issue. Bringing it up will result in ONLY one of two things:
- he will hate you/resent you for lying to him initially and for bringing it up NOW when he's about to get married
- she will use the revelation as the only source of justification that she will ever need to bounce ALL of his friends to the curb, and you'll hear lines like "They're just making stuff up to try and drive us apart...I TOLD you they were no good for you!"
This is exactly what will happen.
My son's friend went through a similar thing. He worked in the Oil Patch, too, and came home 12 in and 12 out. Fell in love with a girl with an eye on the dosh who fooled around on him while he was gone.
The guys told him about her and Mr. ****-whipped confronted her and...yes...it was predictible.
They haven't seen him for three years and she doesn't allow the "boys" near him.
Poor confused guy. I always liked him as a kid. He was always a bit shy.
Oh..well...one day... | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 7:22:18 PM |
Dude...that's what it means to be p*ssy whipped.
You said it. It's a classic case. I had the same experience with my (then) closest friend. We were friends in Junior High School and college. We even joined the army at the same time. Before going in the Army, he was, let me put it delicately, not the most assertive person in the world. But when I got out, I thought he changed.
Long story short, he met this gal and they got engaged. She did the same thing your friends gal did - i.e. try to separate him from ALL of his close friends and she was quite successful at it. As a result, I wasn't even invited to the wedding. I've always believed (and still do) that honesty is ALWAYS the best policy in the long run. All his friends, including me, told him exactly what we thought of her. NONE of us were invited to the wedding and that pissed me off no end. We all told him exactly what we thought of the situation, take it or not. He didn't and we haven't seen each other since. While it's a shame, I guess, in hindsight, we weren't all that close although we all sure thought we were.
I heard through the grapevine that they divorced about 8 years later and she took him for everything he had. Tough luck. But I couldn't stand by and not say what was on my mind and let the chips fall where they may. Believe me, I got no satisfaction out of thinking "dammit I told you so" never said that though.
If your friend doesn't get a pre-nup then he's got serious SERIOUS PW problems and whether he's mature enough to accept that is his problem but I promise she'll eventually take it all. Good luck. I think REAL friends tell you the truth no matter how much it hurts. You can get BS from anyone but a true friend tells it like it is. At least that's my philosophy. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 7:28:11 PM | Just tell your buddy, which you should have done in the first place. As for the pre nump, most definetly, she will leave with what she came in with which is nothing.
common law relationships don't work like marragies, some laws changed in 2001. So check into things for your self and let your buddy read up on things to. You wanted opinions you got them, like them or not, hope things work out either good or bad. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 7:39:01 PM |
Again, you'll notice the disparity in responses by gender on this topic I really don't see what gender has to do with this in the long run. Yes, from the OPs words, his friend is the primary bread winner while she brings in a pittance in comparison. That's not uncommon... so does it mean that any woman or man that is earning less than her / his spouse / s/o is immediately suspect of foul play?
I don't think so...
Furthermore, I've been in the situation of speaking up to a friend, not later, but at the time of the transgression and in the whole series of events, I lost a friend.
I refused to make that same mistake again... and although I opposed my brother's choice in a wife, I kept my thoughts to myself in favour of keeping my brother in my life. What it boiled down to was that I loved my brother more than I disliked her...
My advice... let sleeping dogs lie... | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 7:48:49 PM | This is a difficult situation and I went through something like that with a friend too. He was my best friend for a long time and she is jealous and insecure and manipulated him to spend less and less time with me until he cut me off completely. She "let" him keep males friends she approved of but no females ones. She controls how much time he can spend on the computer and got mad at him when she read his private journal because she didn't like what she read. I never told him I didn't think she treated him well becauseI wanted to be a supportive friend and although she was controlling and manipulating him, in some way she made him happy. I wish I had told him earlier before I heard they were engaged. Now that they're engaged even if I had the chance I don't know if I would because I know it wouldn't make a difference.
If you told your friend, do you think it would make a difference? Do you think he'd value your opinion or say that he thinks you're crazy or jealous and just get mad at you? Would it change anything?
If I had a chance with my friend again, I'd tell him but in a supportive way. Maybe tell your friend that he's a good friend of yours, that you only want the best for him but you don't think this is the right decision because (and then state your reasons). At the end say that you will support him no matter what his decision (if you actually will) but you felt he should know. Also, how you say it is huge. You don't want to start a yelling match or something. Keep it cool and professional, not too emotional, and try to keep him the same way. You're just informing him because you care about him. It might also be a good idea to gather a few other closer friends who feel the same way so he doesn't think you're crazy but not too many that it looks confrontational.
If the wedding does goes as planned I'd do what some other person said and snub the girl. Once you tell him she's bound to know and she'll hate you for it.
If you guys are good friends he might get upset but it'll pass and he'll understand that you are just looking out for him.
Good luck and I hope you update to let us know what happens. This is a tricky situation and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 7:57:42 PM | OP, there are many things to consider here:
1) You may lose a friend if you tell him.
2) You may lose a friend if you do not tell him and he finds out.
3) They may have an agreement together that they can sleep with someone else when he is away.
But if you really want him to know and are not sure how to do it, here is a suggestion:
- Hire a detective to take pictures of her with someone else when he is away and have them sent to your friend, making sure he receives them personally. That way he will see for himself, get angry and act with full knowledge of what is going on.
Because, one thing for sure, he will be angry at you when he finds out you lied to him before. But if you can show him with pictures what he is getting into, after that, it is his choice. | |
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