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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 8:02:43 PM | He asked you to stand up for him and be his best man OP. That means you support him in his decision (which was his to make), not offer up your advice on what he should do, because you don't like this woman. OK, she slept with someone else, WHILE THEY WERE BROKEN UP! If she lied about it afterwards that is between them. As for the disparity in their incomes and your presumption that she has the perfect recipe for infidelity, again, that is between the two of them.
He can ask you for advice, and if he does, at that point you can voice some of your concerns. But even then, if he choses to still get married, you may find yourself on the outside looking in. I've had it happen to me twice, with formerly good friends asking me what I thought about their brides to be and telling me why they were afraid they might be making a mistake. I shared my opinions about my misgivings too, and lost both friends when they got married anyway, and evidently shared what I had said (but not what he said of course) with the wife, making me persona non grata in the eyes of the lady of the house. So speak up only if he asks and with great caution, but be prepared for your friend to go his own separate way from you, if you open that can of worms. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 8:12:52 PM | I have been at this same point on a few occasions. Here's what you do. The part about her sleeping around is not something you can bring up now because you should have brought it up back then. Since she wasn't officially cheating...using it now doesn't look honest.
WHAT YOU CAN DO IS THIS...sit him down and say "Dude, I don't think you love this girl. If you want to walk away now then none of your friends or family will be mad at you."
But most guys that commit to a bad idea stick it out. So just ride it out...it'll end in divorce and he'll come to you to help rebuild him. He'll listen the next time around so don't destroy the friendship now.
I seen five of these and they all went ahead with it...they all got divorced...and they are all still my friends and in better relationships now. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 8:35:35 PM | I think you should stay out of it this is why: YOUR WORDS "ok, so recently one of my best friends announced he was getting married to his girlfriend of several years."
If they have been boyfreind and girl freind for several years what happened in the beginning is obviously worked out.
The problems that she has with you guys will probably work themselves out after the marriage.
I might suggest a prenup but that would be your call but if he has been with this woman for several years he probably has weighed his pluses and minuses already and has his own reasons.
As a freind all you can do is say if this is what you really want to do I will be there for you no matter what the outcome. To bring something up at a point when they were separated years ago is spiteful and doesn't have any bearing on whether or not they will make it or not. How do you know she lied about it? If he doesn't know about it? this is confusing for me if he had his suspicions and asked then he probably knows deep down and has chosen to forgive her.
I have chosen not to stand up for the my best freinds wedding and you know what after 12 years they are still together . Don't assume that you know what your freind really wants from life. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 1:57:04 AM | first, i'd like to thank everyone for their input, whether i thought it was valuable or not. unfortunately, i've had neither time nor inclination to read over and analyze every single response.
perhaps i haven't been perfectly clear about the facts. first of all, some of you have doubted how much i actually know about my friend's income, or future income. well, i'm not exaggerating.
if you want it put another way, my friend's father is the PRESIDENT OF THE ASIAN REGION OF THE BIGGEST OIL DRILLING COMPANY IN THE WORLD. HE IS A BILLIONAIRE
so yes, my friend will be making quite a bit of money.
another thing. i've noticed quite a few here have been making me out to be the bad guy. which, given the circumstances, i might be the easiest one to point the finger at. apparently i am a terrible friend. i don't need to justify myself to those people. i think they should get off of their moral high horse and go find someone else to heckle. i feel bad enough already; i didn't create this thread to deal with that nonsense.
also, i have misinformed you about the situation of "lying" to my friend about the girl's "cheating".
technically, i never lied. he never asked me. he asked someone else and THEY lied. so i am guilty, yes, of withholding information, but i am not a liar. if he asked me, then yes, i would tell him. you can choose to believe me or not.
also, you must understand my reasons for not telling him. i didn't clarify that in my first post.
i have been friends with the girl since BEFORE they even met. so i once considered her just as good a friend as him. at least, until she turned on me.
but, i was one of the first ones she confided in when she told me she slept with someone, and asked that i not go gossiping around town that she slept with his other friend during a split up. and i obliged.
see, when a good friend tells me something in confidence and asks me not to repeat it, i generally listen. i honored her request. i made it clear to her that i didn't like being stuck in the middle, and would likely tell him if he asked me, since i didn't wanna lie to him. but he never asked me. i avoided a sticky situation. honestly i think he DOES know something happened and just chose to ignore it.
see my dilemma? either way, i felt like i was betraying somebody. i tell him, betray her. i honor her, betray him. so i let it go. i'm still torn up about it
i think i've come to a decision though. i think the infidelity issue is now irrelevant. bringing it up before would have been the best thing. bringing it up now would only cause problems, and not solve anything. again, i believe this is more about him entering a loveless marriage than a drunken tryst she had while they weren't even technically together. as some of you so eloquently put it, i am just a total jerk for waiting until they were about to marry. i think i should just leave that issue alone.
i think i will just back out. and if he asks why i will tell him what i think he NEEDS to know, not what we WANT him to know. and that is that we're concerned that he's doing the right thing.
but again, some people think it isn't my business who he marries. bullsh*t. i have perfectly good reason to question it. my friends' well being and lives are my business. anyone who thinks otherwise is a sorry friend.
i've had love blinders on before. and people tried to warn me. and i turned on them, telling them to "butt out; mind their own business". and i feel like a complete idiot for not listening.
one last thing...
he is still going to marry her. i know him and her very well. he is very stubborn in that fashion. another reason why i won't bring up the issue of her cheating (or whatever you want to call it). it won't affect his decision.
it will only make him pissed off at me and the rest of us, and rightly so.
this sucks lol.
thanks to all for your help.
feel free to keep on commenting, but please, i don't wanna hear anymore comments about how terrible we are as friends. we feel bad enough. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 3:11:35 AM | also, i would really like if everyone would actually read my entire post, both the last one and the original, and draw your conclusions accordingly.
if you are unsure about something, ask me. don't just assume things; after all, none of you know the couple, and moreover, me.
i'm asking for advice, not inviting hordes of angry women who are just waiting to castrate some random guy on the internet just because they're over 35 and STILL single (god forbid).
i think some of them are actually jealous of the girl getting married, sad and pathetic as that is.
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 3:16:05 AM | He should definately get a signed prenup PRONTO! she has a very long ride that she is planning on taking him on. But as far as his friends, they fell way short in not telling him the truth when the situation first arosed. Sleeping with one of his friends is foul; seperated or not. There are golden rules here and sleeping with one's friends is a definately NO! NO! ...TSK! TSK! | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 3:23:54 AM | There has a lot been said and advice offered. I do not know you, your friend or the lady concerned.
I will step into his shoes and then into yours.
HIM
I would want my friends to be HONEST with me. Tell me what I ought to know, the plain FACTS, unembelished with opinions.
I would want my Best Man to be FULLY SUPPORTIVE.
YOU
Having already lied to my friend(?) I would have to tell him I could no longer accept his invitation to be his Best man, nor could I even attend the ceremony.
I would add that if in any event in the future he needed me, I would be there.
The reasons could be held back if/until he asked for them. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 3:26:54 AM | | Without taking any sides here, my advice would just be: don't be the messenger. No matter how helpful your information, your friend will just associate you with the pain that is the end result. If you really can't stand it, bow out of being best man, giving some general excuse that you don't think this is a good move on his part. Even if you do only that, expect the friendship to end. I speak from personal experience here, unfortunately. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 4:43:40 AM | Your post (unlike many others) seems to be that of a person genuinely struggling with what would be best to do, rather than seeking justification for what you're about to do anyway (strike back at her out of revenge, while claiming the high road).
In case that's the case -- putting myself in your place, I really believe I would tell the truth (this time) if he asks you, but otherwise keep out of it.
Edit: The forum guidelines tell us to post our opinion, regardless of whether it's been already posted, because opinions for / against are being counted or whatnot. So I jumped in before I'd read the middle part. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 4:51:56 AM | | Well..I am going to say this. I have 3 "best friends". We are all super close. Yes they are gay men, but here is the deal. My friends do not sleep with boyfriends of friends. Period. Broken up or not. It is disgusting. Second, if you all knew of this, why did it not come up before? Now that he wants to marry her, it seems to be a pressing issue. Ok, so the guy makes a good living. And she makes not as much. When I was married, I was the breadwinner. It should not matter who makes more money, what should matter is the morals, and whole relationship of the two people. Personally, I think you guys all f a sudden feel guilty and tragic for with holding this; and you should. Friends do not DO friends like this. I would not even HAVE a friend like that at all. Her behavior sounds like it is just how she is. I am not saying it is right either. She sounds like a royal ****. (See why I hang out with men?). I think you guys SHOULD tell him. I also think you all need to re evaluate what you consititute as friendships and stop screwing other people's lovers when there is a break up. This saddens me really. I am so lucky and glad I have good true friends. I do not always like what I hear, but in my circle of friends, we never would do this to one another. Ever. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 5:57:48 AM | | I think you need to get on with your life and let your mate get on with his. You say you don't like the people his girlfriend saw when they were separated? Separated means not together....it means she could see who she liked. Even sleeping with his friend was when they were not together, and maybe she does feel wary about you saying something. However, your attitude towards her comes across as entirely prejudiced - I bet she can feel your dislike of her a mile off, and yet you say she used to be a friend. Used to be....is this your way of getting back at her? For the sake of your friend, you need to accept this is the girl he has chosen to be with. What sort of guy tries to come between his mate and the girl he loves? Think how devastated your mate would be if you did split them up, and knowing you were the cause. Do you think he would want you around, a constant reminder of that. I can speak from experience on this, as years ago a family member had a hand in splitting me up from a boyfriend I loved very much, and our relationship never recovered from it. To quote your own words: "Isn't this about him being happy?" Forget this fling....think about your mate rather than yourself (cos this is about you thinking about yourself, isn't it). Concentrate instead on doing something constructive, not destructive and being a great best man. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 6:09:45 AM | | Just a point, you make reference god forbid to women who are over 35 and single. You have no idea why anyone might be single over 35. That is entirely due to their own circumstances, and does not mean there is anything wrong with that person, so it seems pretty judgemenental to stereotype in this manner. As a point of concern, I would suggest you consider the bigger picture, not just in this but in any other matter of stereotyping. Just because a person's life hasn't followed a particular path, or perhaps they have not been as fortunate, does not mean they are unworthy in any way. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 6:28:26 AM | | This is simply none of your business. You may not know or have all the details about their personal lives and should not divulge possibly inaccurate information about what you think you know about "infidelities". Also, it is important to show some understanding when he chooses to spend time with her rather than his "friends". In my opinion this shows he prioritizes his relationship with her which I actually think is an ingredient for a healthy marriage. It might behoove you to view and treat her as your friend too and show support for their marriage rather than hold suspicious and bitter feelings. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 6:30:43 AM | Widdler....You say you were once close with this girl....if it was my decision, I would talk to her. It would go something like this.....
We used to be good friends, and could be again, we both want what is best for "Joe". I know what happened in the past, you know what happened in the past, we can leave that there. But let me make it perfectly clear, "Joe" is a good man and my good friend, who loves you, who cares about you...do your best to be the woman he deserves, be faithful, support him, contribute to the partnership you are about to enter and let him have his friends.
I am saying this to you, because I want your marriage to be successful, and I want happiness for you and "Joe". "Joe" needs and wants you and he needs and wants his friends, he can have both and it is your responsibility to support what is best for him. Do this, and be a secure, happy wife to "Joe" and all will be good. In your doing so, I can stand up for "Joe" and support this marriage, anything short of that, and I may have to make another choice. The choice is yours.
Good luck OP. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 6:36:00 AM | I think you're being jealous, immature, and irresponsible. Go ahead and tell your friend, so he can break up with her, and be more available to you, because you would be much better for him.
They've been together several years, and I bet he wasn't making this good money when they did... And even if he were, so what?!
They broke up, and she slept with someone else during that time, as she is the owner of her body, so what?!.
She makes less money than he does, and he is lucky in having found a job that pays well... So What?!!!!
She has done nothing wrong. He loves her and she him. They're getting married, and you are losing your mind.
You can do what you say you want to, but consider yourself a bigger **** than you say she is when you do. A man who feels like he needs to talk about a woman like this, in my opinion, has major issues with women in general. You say your friend is marrying her, not for love, but not for any other "she's pregnant" reason either.
What is wrong with you, and why do you not see that you have a huge problem instead of this girl? M | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 7:08:50 AM | | Normally I would say mind your own business, but hell yes. If he later finds out, and finds out that you knew, he will blame you. BUT YOU NEED EVIDENCE FIRST. People like her are slick with their lies. You need to record a phone call. Then confront them all. When they lie, click play. Also make more than one copy. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 7:54:20 AM | It's too bad none of his friends had the guts to tell him the truth when he flat-out asked.
Your chances of losing a friend are great either way..., because if you tell him now ... you are admitting to lying to him in the first place. Plus, he may not WANT to hear it now. Obviously he wants to be with this girl, and now he may see it as an attack on his "love". If he's in love, and he feels the negativity between his friends and her, he will likely only get closer to her and shut his friends out.
Since things seem a little hopeless either way, I would tell him what you know and express that the boys are worried about him and his future. You may lose him for awhile, but IF you guys are right about her ... he will be needing his friends back.
It's really too bad that he doesn't seem to know or care about what he is setting himself up for financially, though. But, when some men are in love or just plain old
"p-whipped", they just aren't thinking ahead at all.
I don't respect the girl at all for not admitting to him she was sleeping with someone else ... she should at least have the decency to be honest. But, just to be fair, there is a slight chance she may not be the golddigger you envision. If he works away from his nice home and she stays there, at least his home is not sitting empty for vandals to enjoy ... so maybe her being there is actually "functional"?
Put yourself in his position ... what would you want your friends to do for you?
{golfgirl ... excellent idea!} | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 7:55:15 AM | After reading the OP's subsequent Ps:
That missing information was sort of crucial. I bet it was left out for brevity's sake; so I'm glad to know it, because even though the situation's still a mess, it makes the people involved seem less like monsters.
My angle on not speaking up now was -- it would have a low probability of stopping the wedding + a high probability of making unpleasant, what's supposed to be a time of joy. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 8:32:21 AM | tell him...... say you are there for him and because you really didnt think it would get this far on its own you didnt mention anything. you are his friend and before he makes a decision he should know all the facts and how it makes you as his friend feel. but be clear that you are going to support him no matter what he chooses (so he doesnt get defensive and cut you out completly for trying to ruin it) then you be there even if he marries her and gets divorced lator.. at least youd have something to chuckle about.
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 8:48:13 AM | I would tell him. He may not be happy about it but it's gotta be done.
My reason for this is being in the same situation. My friend's fiancée slept with his best friend and I found out. I said nothing cause I didn't want to get involved and they got married. After 6 months his wife left him for his friend and he's now in the process of a divorce.
My friend was hurt and angry that I kept quiet but I explained why I hadn't said anything but we're closer now than before after being honest with each other. Good luck hun | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 10:04:48 AM | widdler, you should absolutely tell him how you feel and try to save him from making a mistake before children are involved. It is just sad that you protected her and this "friend" - hmm....was that friend you? - years ago.
His economic status/her economic status, totally irrelevant because they both know each other's economic status.
Her propensity to lie to him however is totally relevant, much more relevant than sleeping with someone else when they were broken up. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 10:40:59 AM | "Isn't it curious that the most of the guys say tell him and the women say let it go?"
Yeah, that was curious to me too ... especially given this quote from OP's post:
"but this girl is a really manipulative b*tch. she literally won't let him hang out with any of his friends anymore, including me. the last few times i have hung out with them she has thrown a hissy fit and made it quite clear that she didn't want me around. and she has done this to his other friends as well. and he has allowed her to act this way."
If you take those words and change the gender you have:
"but this guy is a really manipulative b*stard. he literally won't let her hang out with any of her friends anymore, including me. the last few times i have hung out with them he has thrown a hissy fit and made it quite clear that he didn't want me around. and he has done this to her other friends as well. and she has allowed him to act this way."
Reading it this way, would women have the same advice to another woman ... let it go? Isn't isolating your partner from friends/family a red flag for emotional abuse/domestic violence? We may call it emotional abuse in women or p-whipped in men ... but it's the same thing.
OP ... you care about him ... talk to him. | |
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