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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 11:38:08 AM | I still think that you are jealous. I still think that you don't know what is in this man's heart or her heart. Why does it matter if he is broke or will be rich? If the two have been together and roughed out a break up, they obviously care about each other.
She wants to spend time with him as he obviously doesn't have much time with her. He has limited time when he is back from his trips. You are jealous of that. But that should be a sign that she cares about him, not that she hates him, that she wants to spend more time with him.
Sorry, but you aren't in high school any more. At some point people grow up and they spend time with their spouses. Some may have a ladies' or men's night, but I know that my ex and I never did that. It was when we stopped doing everything together things happened.
And when you are broken up, it isn't cheating. That is a mute point. Drop it and forget about it. Until they are actually wed, they haven't taken any vows. It is what happens in the marriage that is important.
If you are a true friend you will be happy for him and with him. You will support his decisions that are his to make, not yours. You will be there for them in happiness and sadness for support and to share, but not to judge. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 11:41:31 AM | WIDDLER!
Of all the post I read there was one that addressed each issue. All the others have good points but the one post you should burn into your brain is Big Daddy Jinx's.
Everything I felt and was going to comment about was dealt with by him.
The only thing I will add is that you have already basically lost his friendship because he is pu$$y whipped and when a man is that far gone even telling him the truth won't change it....but if he is someone you care about then tell him, you can't hang out with him anyway..right? So, telling him something you should have told the truth about in the first place wont change the outcome of your now defunct relationship.
If he does marry her and finds out later that you knew he is going to really be pissed and you can't blame him for that. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 12:15:20 PM | This happened to me. My "ex" was calling my best friend (of over 20 years) asking her for sex. Of all the women in the world did he really think she would sleep with her best friend's husband. Sadly I did not know until after we had split then she finally told me. We had an agreement that if one saw the other's significant other someplace with someone they shouldn;t have been we would share.
She found out my first husband was at a bar dancing with other women while supposedly at a stag. I was at home 3 months pregnant sick as a dog with a horrible cold and of course couldn't treat due to being pregnant. When I confronted him of course it was all lies according to him. I left for a few days...considered an abortion..but in the end went back and we split up 13 months after my daughter was born.
Sadly, she caught both both my ex-husbands doing stuff they shouldn't and she did tell me although I know it was difficult telling me the one while I was pregnant but I do appreciate being told. Always will.
I think you should tell your friend. He will stand to lose alot more as time goes on and if he makes big bucks could be stuck supporting her for a long time after she is out of his life. He will probably not want to believe you at first but I bet he has a gut instinct something is going on. Who wants to be humiliated in front of their friends? Imagine if he does marry her and finds out all his friends knew and didn't warn him??? Even more humiliation. He definately should get a pre-nup for what it is worth in your state but hopefully he will see he can do so much better. There are lots of honest women out here. He has way too much to lose to someone who doesn't even appreciate him. Too sad. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 10:06:44 PM | Technically, it may not have been "cheating" if they were seperated at the time, but he does have every right to know that she was having sex with someone else, especially if were a friend of his. Actually, if she had any decency, she would have told him BEFORE they had sex together again ... just in case she had picked up some little disease ... and just for the sake of honesty.
Honesty and openness is supposed to be part of a relationship that's headed for marriage, is it not?
I'd sure want to know how "honest" a guy I was planning on marrying was!
OP ... one thing you need to think about is .... What will happen if he finds out after he is married? | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 10:26:27 PM |
If a small toddler quickly runs toward a huge manhole, do you run and stop it from falling in or do you ignore it knowing it's a life's lesson the child should learn on it's own? Just something to ponder.
Bluesman ~ There is no comparison with this scenario and OP's friend's situation. With a child we would jump in and help because its about safety and life. With the OP's friend, he is a grown man with capabilities to do the right thing for himself. Yes, we see this situation as wrong as OP described but its the friends life. OP hs already voice his concern to his friend and that is good enough. The thing with scenario like OP's friend if he is infatuted with this girl and blind to see her qualities and reality then that is something only he can work out to understand and believe what people has been trying to tell him. Maybe he likes the wrong women or jave a low self-esteem to act.
OP has to be careful him, gooing in between his friend and gf might cos him their friendship.
Here is a scenario that might make you understand better the situation...lets try "abortion". If a girl was raped and decides to abort her child and the many people around her thinks its a wrong act, its murder. Do you think its right to think what is right for the girls based on our values? No, the thing is, its the girl that would live with that decision for the rest of her life either abort or not. Many factors will haunt her for her decision. Yes, we can voice our concerns but the decsion will have to be OP's friend.
If OP's friend marries this girl and reality finally kicks in ...it is here will he then see what OP's been saying to him all along. Then OP should be there for him like a good friend. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 10:28:27 PM | I'm not saying let it go, but I am saying isn't it a wee bit suspect that if he was such a close friend, and if you were genuinely concerned that you didn't tell him any of this long before it went to the point of engagement and weddings?
It would seem to me that a good buddy would have said something long before the I do's were a possibility. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 3:18:34 AM | hahaha i almost wish i'd never posted this thread. it's getting ridiculous. i am amazed though that so many people are concerned about someone they know absolutely nothing about!!!!! lol jk
however, i would like to congratulate BigDaddyJinx on his post (see page 1).
his has probably been one of the most rational, sound, unbiased opinions thus far. or at least the most well thought out based upon the information i gave him. some posts here are just self righteous tirades from self absorbed half wits.
i thank you for that, my friend. you nailed it. that's exactly how i feel about the matter
there are some topics i would like to address further though.
some here have accused me of just being jealous, and consequently, vindictive.
i can understand why you might think that. but it is not the case. i feel the need to defend myself on his subject, you see, because i considered "envy" a possibility from the start.
i wondered if i was just being jealous, immature, and unsupportive of someone else's love and happiness. that is not an unusual sentiment when one of your best friends decides to settle down. especially when you're a 30 year old bachelor and looking.
but that is simply not the case. i'll tell you because i live with an engaged couple. the male is my best friend and the female is also a great friend , who i've known almost as long as the male (no, it is not the original engaged couple that i am so worried about). we get along just fine, and yes they have problems, and yes, i get caught in the middle, but in many ways i am a constructive mediator in their relationship. i am nothing BUT supportive of them. if possible, i stay out of their business
if you're not convinced, then i'll tell you that another friend of mine, who coincidentally works for the same company that my "doomed" friend works for, the oil company, is married, and is a friend i've known about 20 years. and i am a diplomat in his relationship with his wife as well. they have problems. i listen. i understand. i empathize. i counsel when it is desired. i am not intrusive of the time he spends with her. they have an amazing baby boy who i think is the coolest thing on the planet. i am called "uncle matt", though i am not related to him
point is, i don't sabotage my friends' relationships. i am not jealous. so don't even try to call me out on some high school B.S. about me being "jealous" of the fact that a good friend has found "love"
and also, all of the friends mentioned above also feel the same way as i do about the upcoming marriage. we feel uncertain, apprehensive.
which makes the situation i mentioned in the beginning all the more absurd.
why are we so afraid to tell him ? to interfere? what is holding us back?
oh...and for the record, i did have a brief heart to heart chat with my buddy when he first told me he proposed to her. i guess i forgot to mention that, too, in my first post. i didn't say anything negative, or disclose any "info". i just essentially told them that i was really happy for him and hoped the best and would be there for him no matter what.
for what it's worth
tomorrow my friend is having a birthday party. we will all be there.
i'm trying to figure out if that storm cloud on the horizon is heading our way.
stay tuned... | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:00:13 AM | It is like watching the zebra try to run away from the lion.
But...
Your friend KNOWS she is a ****.....he HAS to.
He KNOWS how much she makes.
I bet he even suspects the sexual episodes with the friend also.
And yet, he will marry her.
This is his choice.
Alimony is tax deductible, sounds like he needs a tax deduction anyway. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:28:32 AM | If you tell him now he won't believe you.
However how can you be his best man if you don't agree with the marriage? That's one part I would have a heart to heart with him. You could always be in the wedding just not the best man and if he asks why, then you need to tell him straight up.
As his best friend you also HAVE to tell him to get a prenup, who in their right mind wouldn't get one with that difference in income????? This would also ensure that she marries him for the right reasons and not his wallet. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:28:52 AM | | My friend didnt tell me that the woman i was going to marry was a cheat and a liar , we married 4 years on i'm divorced , in debt , in therapy . Men are built for physical strength and what women lack in that department they have in wit and cunning ! If she's like that now , before te rings on her finger she will get worse , your friend will have the spirit crushed out of him . Then when he's "broken" she'll look for a new toy to play with , women ! rats on stillts !!!! | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:54:01 AM | wtf are you waiting for?
You're excuses for withholding this vital information hold no honor.
It's urgent that you tell him immediately
then he can decide if raising another man's children is a risk he is willing to take for his love | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 7:04:00 AM | OP: It sounds to me like she is going to push you and his other friends away anyway the way things are going at the moment. So you don't really have anything to lose in confronting him about her. She is the one who has a problem and you should make him aware of it.
You need to take the power instead of being a wimpy bystander. Tell him there is no bloody way you are going to be his best man when his wife to be is treating you like a criminal in his life. Tell him her behavour is totally unacceptable and really there is no reason for you guys to continue being friends as it seems he has made his choice in choosing to marry her. Wish him well in his new life. Walk away. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 7:10:37 AM | A guilty conscience is an evil thing, but whats worse is she seems to not even feel bad about striking all his friends away. I'd hate to wonder, if she's like this now, and not in therapy, its only bound to get worse. However, I can't guess that he would listen to you if you tried to tell him about the fling since he already trusted you to tell the truth and you did not tell him the truth. Don't do anything on her behalf, she may have been a friend back then, but when he asked, why did you stand up for her(even though they were apart)? or tell him you were going to be supportive for him. Although I do understand that you didn't want to ruin his moment of happiness telling you by saying "errrr, theres something you should know..."
These guys she's hanging out with while he is gone may be 'just friends'. But if it looks like a duck.........
She's found a place to be comfortable since he lets her have everything. He may not love her and felt pressured (by her) into marriage, I've watched that happen to one of my long time guy friends. He didn't want to leave, doesen't necessarily want to stay, but when it came down to marry me or I'm leaving, even if its no longer love but compliancy, they will stay, and begin marriage arrangements.
This may be whats happening to your friend, tell him how you see the situation. Manipulative b*tches are hard to watch take your friends, I know, leave this joke for him when its all done, its one of the best I've ever known:
At a wedding a little girl asks her mom "mom why is the bride wearing white?" the mom answers "because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The little girl thinks about this for a moment, and then asks "then why is the groom wearing black?"*******
have him mull around on that for a while! | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 7:39:55 AM | And you are with the two of them when they are alone together how often to see how they interact?
Honestly don't see anything but jealousy. I haven't seen any valid reason for you to now suddenly decide that you want to tell him about her possibly messing around when they were BROKEN UP - NOT TOGETHER, they weren't married or even living together.
So you know what, you go for it. You tell him and if he doesn't already know, aren't you just going to be a hero for saving his life. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 7:42:09 AM |
she works as a waitress at a bar and maybe makes $300 a week. and doesn't have much of a college education. you see where i'm getting at. ...yes I can see what your getting at. You are seeing $ before anything else. You seem to think that in order for a relationship to work the stakes must be even.
For heaven's sake it is quite clear that you don't like the woman your friend wants to marry.
i have a bad feeling that isn't the first time she's been disloyal . i've seen her hang out with some weird dudes while he was away. think about it. she has a giant house all to herself for months at a time, is very attractive, and doesn't have any friends where she now lives. recipe for infidelity right there. .....Talk about an over active brain.
This thread has told me a lot about YOU.
YOU are disloyal by lying to your friend.....and he must be fairly close to you to ask you to be his best man. YOU appear to be insecure by creating scenerio's in your head.
I am more than sure that your friend is aware of his fiancee's infidelity.....If all the friends know then how can it possibly be a secret?
You need to decide whether or not to take on the roll as best man.
If you have doubts then don't accept.
Personally I think you should butt out of their personal affairs.
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:01:55 AM | Say "I don't want to be your best man and here's why". If your friendship with him can handle the strain, great. If he never speaks to you again, your friendship with him has its limits and let him go marry this chick and see how it goes. Either way, YOU'LL have a clear conscience and know that you followed your convictions, instead of perpetuating what you feel is a lie and a big mistake.
You might not be invited over to dinner once they're married tho-! | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:26:07 AM | | Stop him from marrying this evil piece of crap at ALL COSTS. It doesn't matter if they were supposedly "separated". The fact that she chose his friend to sleep with shows how uncaring and disgusting she really is. Any women who would make excuses for this behavior are obviously pigs. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:10:26 AM | is this information even relevant? i mean, this isn't my business who she slept with while they were apart, but the fact is he suspected something was up and flat out asked other people if she was sleeping with someone else. we lied. and i have a bad feeling that isn't the first time she's been disloyal . i've seen her hang out with some weird dudes while he was away. think about it. she has a giant house all to herself for months at a time, is very attractive, and doesn't have any friends where she now lives. recipe for infidelity right there. - widdler
Question #1) Not really. Except for the fact tha he asked & you all lied, which shows what wonderful freinds you really are
#2) It's not neccessarily DISLOYAL to sleep with someone else, when you are SEPERATED. It shows incredibly bad judgement on BOTH her & the so-called friend's part, but it's not cheating,
if they broke up. Okay?
#3) Having friends to hang out with, while he is away, if only a "recipe fopr infidelity", in YOUR mind, not any rational persons.
IMO, you should turn him down on the offer to be best man. Your best man should be a trusted, respected friend, not a back-stabbing, dis-loyal jerk like you. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:44:37 AM | I thought I had posted about this already, but I don't see my reply, so here goes:
You absolutely have to tell your friend. A true friend will let his friend know his girl has cheated on him. You have to do it in a very kind way and from the heart, not letting your thoughts about her get in the middle. Don't say anything about her not liking you or allowing him to see you. Keep it short and sweet and let him know you are sorry you didn't say something sooner.
If I was your friend, I'd want to know. Even if he's not happy about it or with you right away, someday he will thank you, even if he doesn't say it outloud to you. He deserves better. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:47:32 AM | | Gotta tell you you made your mistake years ago by not tellin him when he asked but now you are between a rock and a hard place you had better be prepared to lose him as a friend either way cuz he you tell him and he marries her any way she will never let you into their lives and he will side with his wife if u dont tell him and he finds out he wont forgive you your best hope is to tell him and hope he doesnt marry her but there might be a trust issue any way it works out there is gonna be issues | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:48:52 AM | Be a true friend - which means being truly HONEST with him. If he asked you to be his best man, it means he values your opinions and friendship.
If you go ahead without voicing your concerns, you will always have regrets. Best thing to do is to tell him exactly what you have told us, strangers, and let him deal with it.
I wouldnt want my maid of honor to support me through wedding process if she had deep concerns/secrets untold or unshared. That is not what a best friend is for. Best friends mean much more than that! | |
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