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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:47:32 AM | | Gotta tell you you made your mistake years ago by not tellin him when he asked but now you are between a rock and a hard place you had better be prepared to lose him as a friend either way cuz he you tell him and he marries her any way she will never let you into their lives and he will side with his wife if u dont tell him and he finds out he wont forgive you your best hope is to tell him and hope he doesnt marry her but there might be a trust issue any way it works out there is gonna be issues | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:48:52 AM | Be a true friend - which means being truly HONEST with him. If he asked you to be his best man, it means he values your opinions and friendship.
If you go ahead without voicing your concerns, you will always have regrets. Best thing to do is to tell him exactly what you have told us, strangers, and let him deal with it.
I wouldnt want my maid of honor to support me through wedding process if she had deep concerns/secrets untold or unshared. That is not what a best friend is for. Best friends mean much more than that! | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:53:57 AM | Hi there,
I think you are in a tough position because on the one hand you want to be honest and say how you feel, on the other hand you question is your place to say things. I am thinking you have probably discussed these concerns with him before? If so what was his reaction? I think sometimes when you get into a sticky situation of someone cheating it gets hard. Sometimes when you reveal it to the person they are in denial, or think you are a liar. If the girl is manipulative as you say she is she could turn this guy against you! So just beware that could happen. I think ultimately it is his decision. Love can be blind, and sometimes people do not see the person for who they are or their intentions. If she is a gold digger that should already be revealed to him and if he chooses not to see it, that is a choice he makes. Also remember you cannot change his mind he has to come to all the conclusions. One thing you may suggest is they seek pre marital counseling. I am a firm believer that every couple needs this!
alcestis | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 10:34:44 AM | OP, I was asked to be the maid of honour at a friend's wedding. Between the time of the engagement and the day of the wedding, the groom-to-be displayed some troubling behaviour (not cheating, but an actual crime). Our close group of friends believed they should not get married because of it. I told her the truth and also declined the be in the wedding.
Why? I knew there would come a time when in the ceremony the pastor would say:
"If any of you has reasons why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."
I just couldn't do it. I would have felt like a huge liar/hypocrite standing up there as a witness.
I was not in the wedding. My friend did marry him. She was angry at me, but she never cut me out of her life, probably because part of her recognized the truth. After the one day I told her of my feelings, I never, ever mentioned it again. In fact, I sent them a wedding gift and my sincere wishes that they would make it work. It did not work, and for the exact reason that I felt it would not work. They are now divorced. She and I are still friends.
Maybe try to apply the golden rule? If you were in your friend's place, would you want your friend to tell you, or not?
Me, I would tell him. Once. I would present all the information as neutrally and factually as possible and keep your opinion out of it. Once he has decided, for good or for ill (knowing all the facts) support him in his choice. Then shut up about it. Good luck OP. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 10:41:37 AM | "why are we so afraid to tell him ? to interfere? what is holding us back?"
I don't think jealous is the right word...It sounds like you have a real close knit group, don't like this woman and the fact he is picking her over you and your group..
You don't sound like a buddy, you sound like the guys ex gf who is pissed about the wedding.
The only people who ever really know a relationship are the 2 involved..
Your afraid to tell him because you know your friendship will be over and he will still get married anyway.
So don't tell him shit, go to the wedding and just accept that what you had prior to this chick is gone forever.
c'est la vie | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 10:53:48 AM | So it was okay for her to lie and for you all to lie until she became manipulative and your friend allowed it. That is a key you made in your post, his choice to remain with her and cut you out of his life. Since you all lied to him, perhaps that is not a bad thing.
She has hit the jackpot, really. So if they marry and she spends the next twenty years with him and they have children, she will be a single mother. You see, one of the reasons that these men get paid so much is because their jobs are dangerous and they make it very difficult to have a life.
If you have qualms being the best man, tell him you cannot in good conscience stand up for them because you are not sure that their marriage is based on what a good marriage should, trust, respect and sincere caring beyond something that has become convenient.
Beyond that, you are being a douche. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 11:44:11 AM | She use to be your friend, but then she slept with another one of your friends, you all lied to another friend, and now you want to ruin his marriage because all the sudden you have morals.  The friend who screwed his then-separated girlfriend needs to step up and admit what happened. Why, because you are all ganging up against this woman who did exactly what the friend she screwed around with did, so either hate them both or get over it, but if neither she nor the friend are going to tell him the truth, what's the difference between the back stabbing girlfriend and the backstabbing buddy???
Personally I think you should stand up or shut up, but you should not be his best man if you aren't his best man. Tell him you can't stand up for him in this because you do not like him marrying someone you do not approve of, nor do you want to be involved in a marriage ceremony where you know the wife-to-be doesn't want you around. Be honest, you don't support his decision in marrying this woman so why the hell would you play a part in it? No it's not your business who he marries but it is your character that is being tested. So who are you and what do you stand for? | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 1:36:01 PM | I didn't even finish reading this.
The fact is, that this is none of your business. If you can't be supportive, fine, then don't be his best man...but unless you have some kind of supernatural abilities that the rest of us don't, you can NOT decide whether they love each other or not. You don't know the heart of another person, especially when YOU are not in a relationship with them.
How they live is none of your business. If they are happy with their life and their finances the way they are, who are you to tell him that he's somehow "wrong" for their situation? If they are satisfied with the way things are, your input is clearly not needed.
How convenient that "now" you have information that he doesn't know about. Something that happened "towards the beginning of their relationship," which has zero bearing on the present. Why have you held onto it till now? Apparently you didn't feel it was something he needed to know. They were broken up, it didn't concern him then, it doesn't concern him NOW, and at no point in time has it concerned YOU.
You have a "feeling" this wasn't the first time she was disloyal? What would you call yourself and your friends, after lying to him for years? The damage is done, it would be pointless to try and tell him now. At this point it just sounds like you want to create drama between the two of them that you didn't see a need to before now.
You can tell him anything you want to, but prepare to lose a friend. Do you really think he's going to choose you over the one he's chosen to spend the rest of his life with?
This is all about the fact that you don't like this girl, and nothing else. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 3:18:42 PM | I read on another thread about men not wanting to get involved with dating because the minute they do, they are expected to act like they are in a marriage. An engagement isn't a marriage, only the actual taking of the vows is when you are married, when you promise to only be with that person. I wonder about how many people act like they are married when they are dating. It is no wonder people get burnt out on commitments.
I read in a book from the 1700's the marriage vows said sic, "do either of you have reason that the other should not take your hand in wedded matrimony." I haven't verified this, but from what I am reading, it seems the vows changed to include witnesses of the marriage. Kind of odd since the witnesses are not going to be part of the marriage. It seems it was the last step to determining if there was anything they needed to bring up or out to verify with the other that they were kewl to marry.
If you aren't in a relationship and you sleep with a friend, you slept with a friend. If you get back in a relationship and don't tell the other about it, that is fine, it isn't any of their business. But there is a difference between lying and telling someone noyb. As a friend, you are not with them 24/7 to know what they have and haven't talked about. Has she slept with anyone else since they have been together? I bet not, that shows what her character is. Again, if you feel so strongly that their marriage is doomed only based on her lack of earnings and that she slept with someone when they weren't seeing each other, go for it. I don't think it isn't any of your business. You have stuck your nose into someone else's life and are judging them based on your perceptions because you are mad that she won't let you hang with your bud. Is it cause he used to always pick up the tab? | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 3:41:58 PM | Life can be messy, especially when it comes to doing the right thing.
If you and your friend had your roles reversed would you want to know your finance had a fling while you were separated? Treat your friend like you would want to be treated. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 5:09:26 PM | You are obviously a good enough friend to this guy to care. Why you didn't tell him before is beyond me. Anyway, contrary to other posts, you did not 'forfeit your right to be his best man' when you didn't tell him previously. However, it would be wrong to stand up next to them as they got married without giving him the respect (that 'friendship' demands) of letting him know. If he still decides to marry her, then that's his choice, but at least you know you were a good enough friend to clue him in. If you do, and if he still decides to marry her, then you are standing up next to HIM, not her. Friends care about each other and support each other - even if we don't always agree with their decisions. But as a friend, and especially as the best man to him, you have an obligation to tell him.....just do so in a 'matter of fact' way as opposed to seeming to have an agenda of your own. In my experience, when you try to tell someone something that they really need to know and their feelings/defenses are involved, you need to be very careful not to seem to be impressing your own beliefs on them - just merely letting them know the facts, and then let their feelings dictate what they decide to do. I do realize that men and women think differently, however, I was raised with brothers (one of whom I've had many insightful conversations with) and have had very good friends who are men - so I think I've gained at least a little insight into the 'male' psyche.....not enough in my opinion  , but at least a little. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:04:26 PM | | It is time for you and your friend to talk. Say what is on your mind. You can lose your friend if you tell him or not. If you tell him you can lose his friendship, if he finds out that you knew about it, you can lose your friendship. Your call. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:29:46 PM | OP,
Don't bother trying to tell him not to marry her if he has made up his mind... even after you tell him the truth about her sleeping with someone else (and yes you should tell him... NOW!!!). Mind you... he might get pissed that you guys didn't tell him immediate.
HOWEVER... tell him to get a Prenuptial Agreement. And in that agreement, have him spell out what he's bringing in financially and what she's bringing in financially.
Also tell him to hammer out certain key things like in the event of divorce, neither side is entitled to any spousal support and that she is EXPECTED to work and contribute to the household... and hammer out what those responsibilities are.
The only thing that gets overridden in prenup agreements is child support. The only way it doesn't get overridden if you simply say that child support would be whatever is listed in the Child support guidelines in your state.
You can't always stop people from making mistakes... but you can help them take precautionary actions to minimize potential damage down the road. | |
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